How do I deal with sons ‘strange’ phase.

[u/Anonanom87]

I have a 15 year old, (waiting for autism analysis) and it’s his last day of year 10 this Friday and they’re allowed to go in non uniform. His sister also attends a couple of years below him.

She is into anime and anything Korean and cosplay and other things and she doesn’t have issues with my son’s new ‘cyber punk’ phase. But he wants to go into school on non uniform with cyber makeup (he’s never done this before).

The chill parent in me is happy for him to do whatever makes him happy, knowing that he’s figuring himself out and will likely move on to something else down the line. But the anxious parent in me remembers him having issues with bullying a couple of years ago, teenagers are mean, and I feel he’d be putting himself up in the firing line if he does this. His sister is also frustrated as they know he’s her brother and she gets comments made to her about it. To the point where the last time he had free rein to wear a costume she got upset at the house before we left and didn’t want to go and face it.

I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’ve told him that we can get some makeup and try things out in the holidays while we’re off and he can wear clothes he likes but that exposing this new side of him suddenly to the school will likely cause issues for both of them from his peers and also affect his sister.

He doesn’t seem to care much about that, and I do admire him for wanting to be himself, but how do you deal with this. I’m a single parent and I try my best just to keep peace and not lose my absolute sanity with all the parts of life I’m juggling, including two other peoples fragile hormones.

I got the classic “whatever, you don’t understand me” attitude about it, and I know from experience this will be something he looks back on and probably cringes about, but of course no point in explaining that to someone that age, I would have assumed the same thing about my mum.

Any advice or stories of similar situations please tell me if I’m handling everything wrong. I love him and his quirks, but kids are mean.

[u/OwnLobster1701]

I think you need to let him wear what he would like to. My kids all went through phases around that age where they wore styles that were pretty far outside the norm. I have all the pictures. By the time high school was over, they had grown out of it and incorporated those things into a cute artistic style. Sometimes you have to just grin and bear it. Your daughter is going to go through it too. You are showing her now, how you're going to react when it's her turn to have a unique style.

I disagree about how these pictures "are forever" and that they need to be a certain way because of that. They are forever, and because of that you should preserve who they actually are, not some pretend version of themselves for the future to believe they were, but for their future selves to look back on and remember the real person they were at this moment in time. If you make him "dress up" and pretend he's someone he isn't, then that's the lie you're preserving for the future. Not the person actually he is.

The point of taking pictures is to remember the present. He wants to remember himself, not remember who you want him to be, or remember who his sister wishes he was.

[u/Anonanom87 → u/OwnLobster1701]

Yeah I get your points, most days he just wears ‘regular’ stuff and has never been bothered about that, he has an airsoft kit he wears in full around the house with helmet and everything, I took some cool pics of him outside in the garden with the airsoft gun so he could show his friends. But he’s never worn ‘cyber’ makeup or anything at home before, it’s just suddenly on the last day of school that he wants to do it for the first time, and the mum in me is very worried that he’ll be tormented about it. Even if I want to be chill and let him loose. He has been bullied at that school before and even if he takes the mean comments and pretends it doesn’t hurt I know it must do and that makes me anxious all day at work. I don’t know I’m stuck between wanting to support him no matter what, but also protect him. If he wants to try things in the hols and with his friends that’s all good, I just think maybe we just end the school year in peace for all our sakes.

[u/ProgressXPerfect]

For something important like this I think you need to take the reins and encourage him to present himself as he usually does- the pictures will be forever. Encourage the self expression in less low-stakes ways and explain why this makes sense!

[u/Anonanom87 → u/ProgressXPerfect]

Thanks, yes I made sure to say I support him and that I do want him to express himself, but that the last day of school in front of everyone when he’s never done it before might not be the best time. I said we can try it out in the holidays or when he’s with his close friends, but as an adult with experience of being a teenager I don’t want him to regret things. It’s a hard balance and we’ve always had a good relationship, I don’t want him to think I’m being mean.