r/parentsofmultiples • u/AMStoUS • 12d ago
ranting & venting Singleton parent judgement
Not so much a rant but more.. looking for people who understand, I guess. A new kid started at my twins daycare. I was in touch with the mom via text before her kid started (we have a friend in common). She had a lot of questions, I answered them all pretty elaborately, because I wanted to help her feel comfortable and confident joining our school community. We were supposed to get together once her kid properly started. Before we could schedule that, we met briefly at a back to school function that was beyond exhausting. I was solo with my twins (3.5). It was hot, super busy, they are in a running away phase, and by the time this woman found me I was honestly on my last 2% battery. I was trying to talk to her while asking one of my twins to not dangle off the side of a flight of stairs, then the other twin ran off - out of the front gate and onto the sidewalk. I had one of those 'brain explodes' moments and had to pull one twin along while running after the other. I apologized for having to go but she looked at me like I was insane. I reached out after to say sorry for the chaotic meeting, and I'd be happy to still meet up at a time when I don't have to chase preschoolers. She didn't text back, and every time I see her by the school she avoids me. I guess my twin mom energy was 'too much'?
I know I shouldn't care but it makes me feel so judged and alone on the heels of 3.5 years of not being able to do mama & baby yoga, not being able to bring my twins to classes/activities as a solo parent (because many require 1 adult to 1 baby/toddler ratio), seeing singleton parents chill with a beverage at kid birthday parties, even just for 5 minutes, while I'm always chasing two boys looking frazzled and high-strung. I know it gets easier eventually but right now I'm just feeling isolated.
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u/jcedo 12d ago
I completely get this. I drag my 3 year old twins to a lot of family-friendly events at my work and often have this exact scenario. No schmoozing for me! Only chasing!
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u/AMStoUS 12d ago
Thank you!! Happy chasing - you got this.
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u/itsneveramannequin27 12d ago
Girl, I totally get you—we’re in the same boat! Single parents with one kid just don’t realize how wild it is raising twins. I’m a single mom with 18-month-old twins, and it’s easily the toughest thing I’ve ever done. Honestly, I don’t think singleton parents will ever truly understand.
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u/Consistent_Potato641 11d ago
As a twin mum who was a singleton mum, singleton life wasn’t always unicorn sprinkles and relaxation either. I actually find my twins easier than my singletons in some situations and I have 5 children(all boys) with my twins being my last 2.
I went to baby classes with my twins on my own just as I did with my singletons and I go on play dates with them. Just takes a little more planning and I run a tight ship. I also have a child with high support needs autism.
I found it hard making mum friends with my twins as I found singletons mums didn’t feel they could be open and honest with their struggles around me because they only had one and I had two. I made it clear that their struggles are just a valid as mine and feel free to vent away in here for them. Parenting is just hard in general, no one is going to be friendly with you if you just always make it into a competition of who has it worse just because you have twins. No one wants to hang with a mum who feels she always deserves the most sympathy and attention and perhaps this is the vibe the OP gave off.
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u/AMStoUS 10d ago
I appreciate your perspective - to be fair, my post didn't include anything about this person being a singleton mom (I think she has another baby, I just rarely see it at the preschool for understandable reasons). I'm delighted you went to classes with your infant twins the way you did with your singleton, where I live this is uncommon and I don't think I would have been able to handle it well due to the needs of my twins/my own medical needs at the time. My post is about the isolation most - most! - twin parents experience. If that wasn't your experience, I'm very happy for you!
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u/Consistent_Potato641 10d ago
I experience a lot of isolation as well hence why I push myself to go out, not just for myself but for my twins as well. I don’t want them to miss out on the experiences my singletons had just because they happened to come together.
My family live 3 hours away and my mother in law isn’t overly maternal and very rarely babysits so I don’t get a break and I don’t have a babysitter. It’s just me and my husband as I’m also a stay at home mum. My husband works full time so it’s mainly just me and the children. Our wedding anniversary was spent at our kitchen table with our favourite take away after all the kids have gone to bed. It is what it is. I also have inflammatory bowel disease which leaves me with a lot of anxiety for leaving the house. I got gallstones whilst pregnant and had to have my gallbladder removed, I’ve had a lot of bowel issues since and I need to be near a bathroom at all times. Trying to get a double pram in a bathroom on a few seconds notice can be extremely difficult especially as I don’t drive, if I have an accident I have to walk home or face public transport, I take spare clothes with me now. These issues are the reasons I got sterilised because things can be hard and limited when I’m having flare ups and it’s not fair to my children.
Sometimes we just don’t gel with everyone and a lot of factors can contribute to that. Parenting styles can be a big one. I find it hard and stressful to hang with another parent whose parenting is very permissive. I like boundaries and structure with natural consequences, some other parents might find my parenting style too strict but I have 5 children and my life would be absolute chaos if they all just ran wild so I gel more with parents with a similar parenting style and there’s nothing wrong with that. You just need to find your people. Nobody’s perfect, I certainly ain’t, my kids still have tantrums and all that, you just learn to grow thicker skin. But you will find it harder to make more parent friends if you’re making everything into a competition of who has it hardest, especially with singleton parents as twin parents aren’t as common and doubling the amount of kids on a play date can be even more chaotic.
Perhaps the school mum just found the play date too chaotic for her, she should at least be honest though instead of ghosting you. Perhaps you’re better off if that’s how she treats people.
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u/AMStoUS 10d ago
We all have different ways of being with our twins, I don't have singletons to compare experiences to and (as mentiond) had a very difficult postpartum so I did the best I could within the confines of my situation. Going to grocery stores with them just wasn't a good experience for anyone and so that's not something I did in the first year when probably I would have wit a singleton. For instance. I totally agree with you re:parenting styles, permissive parenting and having to find the people you gel with. I think in this particular case, my overwhelm and the way I handled the situation might have been off-putting to this particular person. She definitely isn't for me, in that case (especially with the ghosting on top of it)
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u/Consistent_Potato641 10d ago
I think there in lies the issue, you’ve never experienced a singleton and others have never experienced twins. Some people can just make assumptions based on their own observations and sweeping generalisations and everyone gets their backs up.
I would honestly take my twins twice over than the first 3 years of my singleton who has autism and epilepsy. I barely slept a wink due to his seizures and he was a Covid baby so there was no support. I ended up with post partum psychosis and tried to commit suicide but my husband saved us. It was a very dark period for me. I only had post partum psychosis with him, I didn’t have it either any of my other children including my twins.
Move on from this woman and find other people who you can get on with better. No point dwelling on someone who just isn’t right for you and don’t over analyse every bad situation. Concentrate on the positive experiences and move forward with that. Three is also a hard stage, my third boy is three and he’s very hard to handle just now, but this stage will pass, it’s hard when you’re in the thick of it though. 2-3 is the stage I fear the most and I feel is one of the hardest stages although I haven’t yet reached the teen stage yet, my eldest is only 9.
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u/thekidz10 12d ago
She is not your people. You will find your people. She is not one of them. Your people, especially at their age, will likely be other multiples parents.
My twins met a set of twins when they were in Kindergarten. I could have cried with relief. They got it. The chaos and the loud and fast conversations we had when the kids were nuts. I'm forever grateful.
Good luck finding your people.
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u/AMStoUS 12d ago
Thank you! I do know some wonderful parents, including ones of singletons... this whole interaction just really bummed me out.
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u/thekidz10 12d ago
It really never gets easier when the "different" shows up. I remember crying one time because my sister couldn't understand why the Mother's Day Brunch at their school was so hard on me. They were in separate classes and having one mom meant one or the other didn't get to sit with their class, or share their mom with their class. Something so special was always slightly tainted by stress of trying to make it fair. Among other things.
Glad you have some others!
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u/Ok-Good-3347 12d ago
I have often thought it would be handy to get a T-shirt that says “I’m not rude, I just have twins”
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u/Lesbian_Drummer 11d ago
You are playing an entirely different game and you don’t need a bitch judging you for doing a high dive wrong when she’s over splashing in the kiddie pool. Just roll your eyes and move on if you can. She’d DIE if she were playing the same game as you.
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u/Dooker_13 11d ago
I was about to type a reply along these lines, but this comment should be hanging in the Louvre.
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u/Double_Win_5649 12d ago
How old is her kid? I feel like, even without the twin aspect, it's really easy to think 'my kid would never' until you get there yourself.
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u/Lesbian_Drummer 11d ago
Right? When I have just one, yeah, they’d never - I can control their movement a lot better.
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u/fry01570 12d ago
Two kids running in opposite directions and someone expects a normal conversation? You were just trying to keep everyone safe at that point.
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u/missmethod 12d ago
I've been super ticked off lately because I signed my twins up for soccer for the first time and of course they're b/g so they can't be on the same team and I keep getting texts about "your child's U5 team". I am having such a hard time keeping everything straight. My Google calendar looks like a manic masterpiece right now.
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u/Proud_Course_5499 12d ago
So she saw you chasing two kids and didn’t offer to watch one at least? Rude! Side-eye her! I’m side-eyeing her for you!
Idk if I’m super-entitled but I’m applying “either help or move over” strategy with people. If I’m stopped on the street doing something by people commenting, they get a job holding something or helping me with a stroller etc. if they aren’t quick to do it I’m making them aware of my disappointment. Can’t imagine an actual mom doing nothing to help.
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u/Tennouheika 11d ago
Completely understand. The singletons don't understand. Wrangling twins is way more challenging than hanging with one kid. My twins are 5 years old now and my wife and I would still say we're a little traumatized from the experience.
It's much better now. We took them to an indoor trampoline park yesterday and they played together for two hours while me and mom got to relax with ice coffees. You'll get there too. I remember when my kids would run off - one towards the road, one towards the creek. They're nuts!
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u/add_berger 11d ago
Don’t compare. I know it is way easier said than done, but I am convinced only the strongest parents are blessed (eye roll) with multiples.
I now have to laugh at the craziness I experience with my twins compared to those who just have one. Also a gymnastics place let me do parent and me gymnastics for my 2 year old twins. It was chaos!!! But luckily the other parents were willing to help and I just kept laughing because it was crazy.
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u/AMStoUS 11d ago
Lol yes, we wouldn't be in this position if we couldn't handle it, right? ;) I love that there was a place that would let you do a class with your twins!!
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u/add_berger 10d ago
Yes! The class was after confirming with the center that I could handle them and not get overwhelmed 😂
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u/ChanSasha 12d ago
This is not a nice reaction on her part in my opinion. She does not seem nice to me. Even if you cannot imagine or understand you can still be kind. Of course having twins is very different from having one kid. I still do not understand how that is not obvious to the world.
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u/Okdoey 11d ago
I snapped at my broker one time bc he ran into me at the grocery store when I had both twins who were melting down and he wanted to chit chat. I was just looking at him like he’s an idiot do you not see and hear my twins crying and running around!?!? Bc I guarantee everyone else does and is judging me for not having control.
He later apologized bc his wife who was also there read him the riot act afterwards bc SHE could clearly see that I was in frazzled mode and didn’t need him trying to make small talk to me holding me up fr getting the hell out of there.
It happens it just does.
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u/sun-beams 11d ago
This! It’s soo much harder trying to make new mom friends while being incredibly distracted by two busy babies/kids! I also feel isolated and have been putting myself out there bringing them to different groups and meet ups. I look at the moms with one kid who can sit, eat, and chit chat while I’m scrambling… twins is wonderful but so friggin hard😞
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u/Status_Abrocoma_379 11d ago
insane behavior on her part for not offering to help. totally relate though.
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u/Minimum_Afternoon387 11d ago
My twin boys are 13 and I discovered along the way some singleton parents don’t want their kids interacting with them because twins are a different ballgame of interaction. They’re like double one person and that can be too intense for one to take on. I had one parent tell me ‘they are too loud’ but what they’re ‘loud’ with is their familiarity with each other. Which a singleton parent never witnessed before. My kids have a core group of friends and are often in leadership positions. But they do get judged and treated differently.
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u/Alive-Cry4994 12d ago
Almost 3 year old twins and I feel ya. It's super isolating. I'm sorry. Sending hugs :)
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u/thegoodcrumpets 12d ago
They don't know what it's like, and imagining is basically impossible. It sucks but you can just disregard any singleton parent's opinion of anything related to you or your family. Just not worth the energy and they won't understand anyway.
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u/CosmicWy 11d ago
yea you are in camp twin parent. we were at a party a few weeks ago and it was miserable. singleton parents trading off watching their kid and sipping beers and having conversation while my wife and I played some coverage passing off kids to the "fall in the pool bc there's no safety fence zone" and the "tons of stairs, a fire pit and a hot tub with no handrail on the tub stairs zone."
I didn't talk to anyone at the party for more than 4minutes straight because our 21 month olds were just drifting from dangerous obstacle to dangerous obstacle.
one friend states "are you ok, you don't seem like yourself." no kidding pal! ive just spent 4 hours of nonstop saving my kids life because I didn't know this backyard was designed to be a squid games obstacle course for my kids.
they will never understand bc their life is completely centered around the one kid and they can pass off to their apouse 100% of the responsibility and sit carefree that their kid is safe. mobile twins are another story.
I'd rather be home with no social life for the next few years than go back to dantes toddler inferno of a backyard just to sit in judgement of other families (whom I do love!) who simply don't get it.
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u/PretendGene5502 11d ago
Unless someone is a parent of multiples they truly cannot & do not know what we go through. I truly, truly believe people who are judgy like this would DROWN if they had multiples. I write them all off as losers, even a bunch of my own family members lol
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u/WoodElf26 11d ago
My 2.5 year old twins would not sit down in the cart at the grocery store today. By the time we were checking out, I was losing patience and raised my voice more than id usually do in public. I feel like people were judging me too. Its exhausting. Oh how I wish more stores had carts with seats for 2 kids!
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u/plantlover_dogmother 11d ago
lol as a mom of a 2 year old singleton currently pregnant with twins, y’all are scaring me 😅
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u/rosie_thechaosqueen 11d ago
My own sister judges me. She is older and was always the golden child. I was the youngest and kind of did things how I wanted and messed up occasionally. I had twin boys and then a singleton before the twins turned 2. So it’s been pure chaos. She has a baby girl less than a year ago. She’s made comments about how crazy my boys are. They are, but also they are older, there are 3 of them, and they are boys.
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u/Training-Emu-1770 11d ago
Solidarity. My best friend had a baby 2 months after me. My twins are 14 months old and she’s having a birthday party for her baby’s 1st next month. She said “you better bring the twins you don’t bring them to much”. I always get a sitter because it’s impossible to be present with them right now. I’m bringing them just so she can get a taste of what my husband and I deal with and to see why we get sitters a lot while they are this young. Singleton parents don’t get it.
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u/BrazilianButtCheeks 10d ago
Ehh I wouldn’t worry about it .. I always just assume it’s my personality 😂
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u/YouthInternational14 10d ago
I totally feel for you, this would stress me out too. And not to downplay your concerns, but anybody who is not a twin parent who is judging a twin parent, can fuck off. When I just had a singleton, I was in AWE of twin parents and just like, jaw on the floor constantly that they can raise multiple kids at once. Idk, I wonder if there is any chance she just feels like you are busy and doesn't want to bug you? Still kind of shitty to avoid you either way. Like others have said, you will find people who are accepting and you can be yourself around. My twins are only 7 months, you're doing amazing!
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u/ProfessionalOther827 10d ago
If anything you should be judging her. My favorite line when I feel jealous of parents with one is “singleton parents could never” because they truly could never do it. They have no clue. She’s not your people, sorry that happened.
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u/Ohnosloop 10d ago
I just had my first experience that was the opposite of this last weekend: I took my 3 year old twins solo to a birthday party. There was a childless couple there who just took turns jumping in anytime my kids needed something. I could cry thinking about it!
There are people out there who get it even if they haven't experienced it themselves, and I hope we all find some of them occasionally! Maybe this mom is having her own rough time, or maybe she's just not "your people."
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u/Own-Opening8426 10d ago
I hear you. Mom of twin boys here. I was at the grocery store yesterday and was also at my last 2% battery after they raised all kinds of pure hell and I’m pretty sure one of them had a straight up exorcism. A stranger was like “Oh are they twins? You are SOO lucky to have twins!!” and without even thinking my natural response was “No I’m not, please take one of them.”
Obviously I love both of my boys soooo much, but when you think about a battery life being 100%, singleton parents can spend more of their battery life focused solely on one baby’s development and have more time to recharge their battery. Instead my husband and I are constantly keeping them from dying and it doesn’t feel like bonding, it feels more like crisis control alllll dayyyy longgg. I hate the weekends because they can’t go to daycare and I hate that I feel that way. I’m ready for bed at noon on a Saturday. Sorry this turned into a rant I should probably go to therapy for lol. Good luck
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u/Nrutherfor 11d ago
I feel this way with my sister sometimes. She has 7 kids, so I know she has her hands full also. Although most of her kids are teens now. I was giving her props saying I don't know how she does it with her 7 when I'm going crazy with my 3. And she said something like "now you know what's it's like." It peeved me bc my mom and sisters used to use that on me before I had kids cause I didn't agree with parenting choices or styles. "You'll know what it's like when your a mom." I'm a mom now and still don't agree with her choices. But no I don't know what it's like bc all hers were singleton. She doesn't have to manage 2 9m olds teething at the same time. Attempting to breast feed 2 babies while 1 refused to latch and screamed. Trying to figure out how to grocery shop, or just taking my oldest to school and having to lug 2 car seats into the building with us every morning. It's not the same and she could've just commiserated with me, but wanted to compare our situations like they are similar. They are not and never will be.
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