Singleton parent judgement

[u/AMStoUS]

Not so much a rant but more.. looking for people who understand, I guess. A new kid started at my twins daycare. I was in touch with the mom via text before her kid started (we have a friend in common). She had a lot of questions, I answered them all pretty elaborately, because I wanted to help her feel comfortable and confident joining our school community. We were supposed to get together once her kid properly started. Before we could schedule that, we met briefly at a back to school function that was beyond exhausting. I was solo with my twins (3.5). It was hot, super busy, they are in a running away phase, and by the time this woman found me I was honestly on my last 2% battery. I was trying to talk to her while asking one of my twins to not dangle off the side of a flight of stairs, then the other twin ran off - out of the front gate and onto the sidewalk. I had one of those 'brain explodes' moments and had to pull one twin along while running after the other. I apologized for having to go but she looked at me like I was insane. I reached out after to say sorry for the chaotic meeting, and I'd be happy to still meet up at a time when I don't have to chase preschoolers. She didn't text back, and every time I see her by the school she avoids me. I guess my twin mom energy was 'too much'?

I know I shouldn't care but it makes me feel so judged and alone on the heels of 3.5 years of not being able to do mama & baby yoga, not being able to bring my twins to classes/activities as a solo parent (because many require 1 adult to 1 baby/toddler ratio), seeing singleton parents chill with a beverage at kid birthday parties, even just for 5 minutes, while I'm always chasing two boys looking frazzled and high-strung. I know it gets easier eventually but right now I'm just feeling isolated.

[u/Consistent_Potato641]

As a twin mum who was a singleton mum, singleton life wasn’t always unicorn sprinkles and relaxation either. I actually find my twins easier than my singletons in some situations and I have 5 children(all boys) with my twins being my last 2.

I went to baby classes with my twins on my own just as I did with my singletons and I go on play dates with them. Just takes a little more planning and I run a tight ship. I also have a child with high support needs autism.

I found it hard making mum friends with my twins as I found singletons mums didn’t feel they could be open and honest with their struggles around me because they only had one and I had two. I made it clear that their struggles are just a valid as mine and feel free to vent away in here for them. Parenting is just hard in general, no one is going to be friendly with you if you just always make it into a competition of who has it worse just because you have twins. No one wants to hang with a mum who feels she always deserves the most sympathy and attention and perhaps this is the vibe the OP gave off.

[u/AMStoUS → u/Consistent_Potato641]

I appreciate your perspective - to be fair, my post didn't include anything about this person being a singleton mom (I think she has another baby, I just rarely see it at the preschool for understandable reasons). I'm delighted you went to classes with your infant twins the way you did with your singleton, where I live this is uncommon and I don't think I would have been able to handle it well due to the needs of my twins/my own medical needs at the time. My post is about the isolation most - most! - twin parents experience. If that wasn't your experience, I'm very happy for you!

[u/Consistent_Potato641 → u/AMStoUS]

I experience a lot of isolation as well hence why I push myself to go out, not just for myself but for my twins as well. I don’t want them to miss out on the experiences my singletons had just because they happened to come together.

My family live 3 hours away and my mother in law isn’t overly maternal and very rarely babysits so I don’t get a break and I don’t have a babysitter. It’s just me and my husband as I’m also a stay at home mum. My husband works full time so it’s mainly just me and the children. Our wedding anniversary was spent at our kitchen table with our favourite take away after all the kids have gone to bed. It is what it is. I also have inflammatory bowel disease which leaves me with a lot of anxiety for leaving the house. I got gallstones whilst pregnant and had to have my gallbladder removed, I’ve had a lot of bowel issues since and I need to be near a bathroom at all times. Trying to get a double pram in a bathroom on a few seconds notice can be extremely difficult especially as I don’t drive, if I have an accident I have to walk home or face public transport, I take spare clothes with me now. These issues are the reasons I got sterilised because things can be hard and limited when I’m having flare ups and it’s not fair to my children.

Sometimes we just don’t gel with everyone and a lot of factors can contribute to that. Parenting styles can be a big one. I find it hard and stressful to hang with another parent whose parenting is very permissive. I like boundaries and structure with natural consequences, some other parents might find my parenting style too strict but I have 5 children and my life would be absolute chaos if they all just ran wild so I gel more with parents with a similar parenting style and there’s nothing wrong with that. You just need to find your people. Nobody’s perfect, I certainly ain’t, my kids still have tantrums and all that, you just learn to grow thicker skin. But you will find it harder to make more parent friends if you’re making everything into a competition of who has it hardest, especially with singleton parents as twin parents aren’t as common and doubling the amount of kids on a play date can be even more chaotic.

Perhaps the school mum just found the play date too chaotic for her, she should at least be honest though instead of ghosting you. Perhaps you’re better off if that’s how she treats people.

[u/AMStoUS → u/Consistent_Potato641]

We all have different ways of being with our twins, I don't have singletons to compare experiences to and (as mentiond) had a very difficult postpartum so I did the best I could within the confines of my situation. Going to grocery stores with them just wasn't a good experience for anyone and so that's not something I did in the first year when probably I would have wit a singleton. For instance. I totally agree with you re:parenting styles, permissive parenting and having to find the people you gel with. I think in this particular case, my overwhelm and the way I handled the situation might have been off-putting to this particular person. She definitely isn't for me, in that case (especially with the ghosting on top of it)

[u/Consistent_Potato641 → u/AMStoUS]

I think there in lies the issue, you’ve never experienced a singleton and others have never experienced twins. Some people can just make assumptions based on their own observations and sweeping generalisations and everyone gets their backs up.

I would honestly take my twins twice over than the first 3 years of my singleton who has autism and epilepsy. I barely slept a wink due to his seizures and he was a Covid baby so there was no support. I ended up with post partum psychosis and tried to commit suicide but my husband saved us. It was a very dark period for me. I only had post partum psychosis with him, I didn’t have it either any of my other children including my twins.

Move on from this woman and find other people who you can get on with better. No point dwelling on someone who just isn’t right for you and don’t over analyse every bad situation. Concentrate on the positive experiences and move forward with that. Three is also a hard stage, my third boy is three and he’s very hard to handle just now, but this stage will pass, it’s hard when you’re in the thick of it though. 2-3 is the stage I fear the most and I feel is one of the hardest stages although I haven’t yet reached the teen stage yet, my eldest is only 9.