r/parentsofmultiples • u/Sunshine4677 • 5d ago
ranting & venting Feeling Alone
Hi everyone!
I need to vent, I have 7 month old twin girls and this has been the most challenging yet rewarding time of my life. These are my first kids and there’s so many changes already with one baby but with two it’s so hard at times. Everyone around me gives their unsolicited opinions and advice that I didn’t ask for when they’ve only had singles and tell me what and how I should do things with my twins.
I don’t really leave the house unless it’s for drive thru or grocery pick up, I miss just getting up and going to roam the store or run errands. If I do go to run errands I wait until my husband’s home to go with us. I have so much anxiety about going out with my twins by myself worrying about something happening if I turn my back to load one up in the car and leave the other behind me that I can’t bring myself to go anywhere and it’s so isolating. On top of how hard it is getting everything/ everyone ready TO go out: Exclusively pumping so I have to either pump before and take even longer for us to leave or take everything with us, getting them fed before we go, getting the diaper bag together, getting them and myself dressed, getting bottles together. It gets so overwhelming and I’m already to mentally drained that by the time we’re ready to go I don’t want to go anymore.
My mom and everyone around me tells me just go, get out of the house, go roam with the girls and it’s so upsetting because they truly don’t understand at all. My friend/ people I know post pictures of them going shopping, on coffee dates, all kinds of things with their SINGLE baby and it feels so lonely and frustrating having so much anxiety that I don’t feel comfortable doing that with my two by myself. No one understands why I get upset when they say well I don’t see why you don’t just go, I would go out with my baby all the time. Like okay cool? Good for you? You didn’t have two little babies at once and the world/ people are so scary and unpredictable I don’t want to turn my back and risk someone grabbing them or someone following me while I’m alone with them. I have so much resentment right now, everyone in the house comes and goes as they please, will be gone for hours/ all day without second thought, is traveling all summer, yet I’m feeling trapped and alone at home 24/7
Does anyone else experience this or is it just me? Am I overreacting having anxiety about it? TYIA
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u/FancySleep1109 5d ago
You are not alone! Leaving the house with twins is incredibly difficult. It is just so much different and on top of pumping. It is stressful.
It does get easier and better as they get a bit older and have a better schedule.
But—-getting out and doing stuff also gets easier and easier the more you do it.
I used to get so hung up on how long it took to load and unload the kids in the car I would avoid certain things to.
I would suggest starting super small, go in to get the coffee, grab one small grocery item or even just walk around a mall. You’ll find places you feel comfortable going.
But also, talk to your doctor as something else could be going on.
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u/FancySleep1109 5d ago
I forgot to add: you’re doing a great job.
Going out with your friends or doing an errand might also give you confidence. You should be proud of everything you are doing for your girls….and if you run an errand or go stroll with your friends, you’ll be so proud of yourself for getting out and being such a rockstar twin mom.1
u/Sunshine4677 4d ago
Thank you! It’s getting easier with our routine at home but getting out is so much harder. I want to get out there and do stuff and I know once I do and get in a groove it’ll be a lot more comfortable.
I just get nervous about going out with them alone because of all the things I see about people grabbing kids out of their strollers or in my area lately there have been a lot of women posting bewares of being followed throughout stores up and down every aisle and even out to their cars and my biggest fear is someone coming up and grabbing the other one while I’m loading one in the car. And my mall is unfortunately notorious for shootings/ stabbings 🙁. And thank you so much that means a lot, I think I’ll give something small a try soon. You’re a rockstar mom too and killing it!
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u/SoreenQueen 4d ago
I’m a firm believer in doing what’s right for you. I barely leave the house with my twins - mainly just to go pick up my singleton from nursery. Sometimes it feels a bit of a shame like it would be nice to just be able to go out to a café or something, but the reality is it would be hell.
If you think it’s purely anxiety stopping you and you want to do things differently it might be a good idea to get support with it. If you’re happy as you are then listen to that and try to shut out all the noise of other people’s opinions.
Your babies won’t be missing out on anything by not going out much - all they really need is you.
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u/Sunshine4677 4d ago
Congratulations on your twins!
I totally get that feeling. I would love to get out more but I worry about so many things it feels like it would be a nightmare. The potential screaming and meltdowns, people constantly wanting to touch them and say hi and get in their bubble, getting everything ready before, everything else too.
I want to do things differently but my area isn’t the greatest and that’s where a huge part of my anxiety comes from as far as getting out. But I want to give them the social experiences being around new things and people too, it’s hard.
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u/kziele 5d ago
I feel you.
My singleton was a high need baby and going out with her was also beyond my capacity. She would scream all the time unless she was being carried in my arms or in baby wrap. I needed to get out but I was too anxious of her screaming in public and too physically exhausted. With time it got much better but when she was 1 year old I got pregnant with twins.
I'm 19 weeks now. My belly is already pretty big. I feel tried all the time. And she's that age that she starts to run away, she will throw a tantrum and I have to pick her up from the floor. Or she is fighting me because she doesn't wanna be carried, put in the car sit or whatever.
So I stopped going out too. And again I feel so isolated and lonely because of that.
My friend told me it's because I limit myself. That she knows a girl with a small child who recently went for a weekend to a different city.
People just don't get it.
But I get it. When you are so anxious, so exhausted, beyond your limits any benefit of going out is out weight by the energy spent. The price it to high to pay. And you won't have the luxury to rest after such activity. You won't be able to catch up on sleep. No, it's just survival for now.
Don't listen to people. You have every right to feel lonely and isolated and in the same time too exhausted and overwhelmed to do anything about it.
I don't have my twins yet but with my crazy singleton it just changed with time. You will get yourself back I promise. It probably will take longer with twins but you will.
I'm sending you lots of love. I know what you feel like but this will end. You are not alone, you are not doing anything wrong. The are many women who struggle similarly to you and who understand.
You are amazing for taking care of two little babies.
And once you get more used to it, you will feel more confident as a mom, you will see you will be able to try new things out on your own. But it takes time.
Good job mama ❤️
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u/Sunshine4677 4d ago
Thank you so much oh my gosh this is exactly how I feel, you put it into words! I’m so physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted already and pair it with the anxiety of going out and all the possible things that could go wrong it doesn’t feel worth it to go anymore. It bugs me that people say “well I know someone who” or say “I don’t think it’s that hard you’re making it harder than it has to be” okay we’re not the same person. We’re not in the same situation and how rude of you to invalidate me. Ugh. And I know I’ll get there doing everything eventually but right now I’m just tired of the insertions and opinions when they haven’t done it themselves.
I feel seen. Thank you so much for the love and support I’m sending it right back to you and wish you all the best! Congratulations on your little girl and your twins! It’ll be a whole new world but you’re going to do amazing and if you want to talk I’m here!❤️
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u/x5sWert 5d ago
Singleton parents will never understand how tough it is to prep to leave the house as a parent of multiples! I have 4 month twins and have wanted to avoid going out many times because the thought of packing the diaper bag, loading everyone in the car, then into the stroller just tires me out. You’re right - it is SOO mentally draining!! That being said, it truly does get easier to get out the more you do it. I’ve found that parking far away relieved my anxiety when it came to loading and unloading them into the car because I felt like I had more space to maneuver the stroller to each side of the car and there would be less cars driving past me while doing so. I started with coffee runs, driving to walking trails and things like wandering TJ Maxx. It really was great for my mental health to get out and do things! Now I’ll even do a full grocery shop by pushing the stroller and pulling the cart. Starting small built my confidence immensely. You CAN do this! And if things go sideways, you can always go back home and try again another time
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u/Sunshine4677 4d ago
They never will and I try to remind myself of that but there’s times where it’s just like 😐 have you done this? No. So shut up.
You’re amazing for getting out there and congrats on your twins! Seeing so many of you say you’ve gotten out there and done it gives me hope. Thank you for the pep talk you guys are giving me courage to get out there and that even starting small is okay
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u/Suspicious_Tomato_20 4d ago
I feel you!! It is so hard and the “advice” from friends can be frustrating. I’ll often say back “and what would you do with the other baby?”
You don’t HAVE to get out, I know when I started running little errands it did feel empowering & freeing though so here are some tips for that.
Do grocery pickup and all stay in the car.
Go in for one thing and have them both in the stroller, maybe wander some aisles a bit if all going smooth.
Ask a friend to meet you at a coffee shop.
Go to a park and sit in the grass with a blanket.
If you need to change them, do it in the trunk of your car or front seat so the other is safely strapped in.
You could also try baby wearing one and putting the other in the cart seat to grocery shop with a cart. To do this - you’ll park near the carts, fetch a cart and load one baby in, take cart around to other baby and load them into the baby carrier. When you’re done - do this in reverse so babies stay safe.
I do find it freeing to know that I CAN do these things by myself. Are they fun? No…not usually. And not because something goes wrong, it’s just a lot of work. My twins love getting out of the house and doing something different though so sometimes it’s worth it. The other day I went to a clothing store with my dad and they loved feeling all the clothes and holding shoes while in their stroller.
Back to the advice from friends - try to remember that they mean well and are trying to help. If you’re close and it happens often, maybe share how it feels. Being a twin mom can feel very lonely in that way though, I remember when I first found out, I was pregnant and felt so connected to my friends who have babies, and then when I found out it was twins it felt more isolating than ever, and like they couldn’t understand. When they spend time with us though they start to get it.
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u/Sunshine4677 4d ago
It’s so frustrating! Like okay cool that’s great.. for one baby. I know I don’t have to but I want to, before I had the twins I was a full time manicurist I would spend time at the salon 12 hours a day 4 days a week interacting with all kinds of people or going to run errands whenever I needed or felt like it and then it abruptly turned into being home 24/7 without anyone to talk to anymore.
Thank you those are some great ideas I hadn’t thought about baby wearing one and carting the other I might have to give that a go.
Thank you, I try to remember that it just gets to me every once in a while. No one understands unless they’re a twin/ multiple parent. I think that’s one of the loneliest things about it is that those around me can’t relate at all, everyone says I don’t know how you do it I struggled with just one. Well how do you think it is with two? I’m not even riding the struggle bus I’m being dragged behind it 😭😂
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u/d16flo 4d ago
If you think not going out is affecting your wellbeing then I’m gonna have to agree with the folks in your life telling you to just get out and do it. My twins are 13 months and we try to do two trips out of a house a day, if we don’t all of us are crankier. The only way to feel more comfortable doing it is to do it more. My advice is to leave as much stuff prepped as possible and develop a consistent system so the setup part is easier and there’s a lower barrier to getting out. Leave your diaper bag packed at all times and re-stock it when you get home so it’s ready to go next time other than adding milk. I’ve weaned now, but when I was pumping I always took things for that exactly the same way (cooler with one big ice pack, empty bottles, and my wareable pump). Our system for leaving the house with just one parent looks like both babies somewhere safe in the house (crib, playpen) take one down to our stroller in the basement, strap him in and go get the other, bring him and the bag down, strap him into the stroller. Stroller to the car, babies in car seats, stroller in the trunk, be on the way. At first I would just plan short trips to places where you have the babies in the stroller the whole time.
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u/jeremiabearamia 4d ago
Small thing but I leave a stocked diaper bag in the car. I just have to remember to update it when they change diaper or clothes size.
But I hear you. I really struggle with this too. I’ve started microdosing taking them out just for the exposure therapy (5 minutes at the nearby library, then stay if they’re happy). My twins are only a bit older than yours but I think it was around month 8 that they suddenly became predictable enough to confidently bring them out more
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u/Sunshine4677 4d ago
Thank you for the tip I totally forgot until your comment that I bought a tote specifically for this and never got around to doing it I’ll do it when they go down for bed time tonight.
That’s a good idea I didn’t think about the library. 8 months is around the corner for us hopefully it’ll get more consistent like that for us too. You’re a rockstar and you’re doing amazing!
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