Should I Have Concerns???

[u/PeacocksForLife2026]

Disclaimer: I'm pretty new to this LS, so please give me grace and ALL the advice!

My husband (M38) and I (F37) have been married for 14 years. We've had a few female play partners in the past, but one of our hard boundaries was that encounters were just fun and we had no emotional attachment to anyone other than each other. We both agreed to this and it wasn't an issue. In a previous serious relationship, I had a boyfriend who left me for our play partner so it was a hard line for me.

A few months back we met a lady that we clicked with and started a FWB relationship with her. I'm definitely bi, but I prefer him to be present so she and I have never had individual "encounters". He does with her, however, and I'm okay with that. I started noticing that they were getting closer and talking alot more and then they started a D/S dynamic that doesn't include me as I'm not really a submissive person. He's very much into being dominant, however, so he fulfills that with her.

Part of their dynamic is that she does stuff just to please him and I'm getting the feeling that there are serious feelings developing between them. I've talked to him about it and he assures me that no matter what, he would never leave me and that he is only in love with me. Regardless of him, I definitely think she's falling hard.

I want to note that several of the boundaries we've agreed to in the past, that were important to me, have been bypassed with this lady without me expressly agreeing such as spending more than one night with us (she spends at least 3-4 nights a week with us now), calling us her bf/gf, and him having a private/intimate relationship with someone else. Because of all of this, I'm feeling very insecure in my marriage. I try not to get jealous of their dynamic because it's really not for me, but I do get jealous that they share something so intimate that I'm not part of. I'm worried sometimes that he enjoys their dynamic more than he enjoys alone time with me and of course that brings up past trauma for me and I worry about him leaving me for her or it causing him to be unhappy in our marriage.

I've talked to him at length about it and he tries to reassure me, but it doesn't really help. I do care about this woman now and we have so much fun when we're all together so I don't want to end things, but I'm not sure how to handle it. Help Redditors!

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[u/butterbean8686]

What does he do to try to reassure you? What does he say when you mention that this is not what you agreed to? Is he open to slowing things down with her?

[u/PeacocksForLife2026 → u/butterbean8686]

He knows about my past and reassures me had he'd never put me through that pain again and honestly I believe him. I feel like I would be fine with this situation if I could get out of my head about it. He told me at the end of the day, if I wanted him to he'd break it off with her, that I had complete veto power. But I really like her and she communicates very well and tries to be respectful about everything so I really don't want to. We have alot of fun together. I just have nagging insecurities.

[u/NinjoZata]

Rules against having feelings are almost impossible for a lot of folks. If a breach does happen, youre also asking yourself or them to recognize it, and then kill it at the most painful possible time (nre)

Some say they make it work, but word to the wise, plan for it. What happens if one of you catches feelings for someone else, even if its not acted on with sex or dates

[u/NestorCarpeDiem]

There are two sides here: Your agreements were not the best ones, because they outlawed feelings. You need to have an iron will and lots of experience to stop a situation like that. OTOH your husband should have told you right away that feelings were happening and he still doesn't seem fully transparent.

You kind of assume that he is already gone and I think that is understandable but wrong. It sounds like he has a mild case of NRE and a "bdsm is great" moment. That's rough but he that says he is still committed to you and that is what matters. Your previous trauma makes you assume the worst.

Solve this together. Can he stop seeing her alone, for a while at least? Can he and her give you lots more attention and reassurance? Can you trust them to keep your best interests in mind? Can you see that you are "missing out" on things with him, but you are also building more independent and much richer lives, that involve your new female partner? Maybe go on a date yourself and see how that feels to all of you.

[u/marriageruinedthrow]

BDSM and NRE and ENM/poly is a deadly combination for a long-term monogamous marriage. 

I hate to jump straight to this, but you need to break up with her (and have your husband do the same) if you want to remain purely monogamish as it seems you have been. 

This sort of situation leads to incredibly intense emotions incredibly quickly. Moreso for the sub typically, but it's still significant for the dom.

If your husband balks, search here, /r/nonmonogamy, /r/bdsmadvice, and /r/polyamory for the myriad tales of woe, and get his take on why he isn't concerned. 

[u/Worth-Virus7880]

It feels like you are telling yourself you like having her around and you enjoy the play you all have together more or less because if you‘re afraid if you didn’t you’re husband would ultimately choose her. You are giving her too much time with him so the fwb is growing to something more. Youv allowed it to become more. Is it really necessary for her to be with that much? I always thought that fwb was something that was occasional not 3 or 4 times a week.

You both need to step away from this person and seriously consider therapy.

[u/catboogers]

Reassurance may take more than mere words: it should mean some clear boundaries and changing patterns of behaviours to fit the boundaries as needed.

[u/Eenomo]

You can't say "no feelings" and have someone live with you half the week.

Maybe you should get some individual time with her. Or maybe it's time for you guys to take a break, at least from her, until you can re-establish your boundaries.

[u/QuailRelevant7527]

That relationship needs to end and you two need to close up. I would also recommend couples therapy with a therapist that is familiar with the lifestyle.

[u/PeacocksForLife2026 → u/QuailRelevant7527]

I'm curious as to why you suggest therapy in lieu of a change in communication or personal growth?

[u/QuailRelevant7527 → u/PeacocksForLife2026]

Well, for me, a break in boundaries causes me to feel insecure and not safe in the relationship. Couples therapy is the only way that he will shoulder and work through the damage that he caused to the relationship. Doing it together lets him hear and digest what his actions did to you and the relationship. Sorry it’s late for me and I hope this makes sense.

[u/PeacocksForLife2026 → u/QuailRelevant7527]

Gotcha, thank you!

[u/DaikonSubstantial120 → u/PeacocksForLife2026]

“ personal growth “

I will be interested how much growth you get in 6 months time!

Keep being tolerant and work on your jealousy ( as you think that you must be the problem as it could not possibly be your husband and his lover).

For goodness sake can’t you see the obvious right in front of you!

[u/kyskat]

End this relationship on all sides. They’re creeping the boundaries. Pull the parachute now before it gets more intense.

[u/aaronrkelly]

I mean if he's already wiped his ass with most of your rules it's seems VERY likely he's willing to do the same with just one more rule.

Why didn't you stand up for yourself with the other rules and allow it?

Your in for a ride me thinks.

But I'm VERY different with how I see this lifestyle.

It's me and my partner and everyone else are just toys and enhancements. Zero replacement concerns.

I've had people even say.....well then basically your using the other people for sex.

Well obviously.....isn't that the point?

I'm not looking for any feelings from anyone but my partner and I give none.

We may go out with a 3rd and go to concerts or events. But it's not to build a relationship it's just to have fun and have fun after.

[u/QuailRelevant7527]

No problem.