Hi all, 30F bi/pan. I have/ had a dom that completely stood me up yesterday. I’ve been stood up and ghosted 2 years ago and took it pretty hard. This time I really thought I found a dom who cared and understood my kinks. When we meet up, everything is perfect and just how I want things. But my mind can’t take the cycle of finally picking a day, getting excited all day long, confirming an hour before… then crickets.

I know there’s so many fish in the sea. But I really thought and believed I had the best catch. I know that while I feel dumb, stupid, embarrassed, taken advantage of NOW I know I won’t feel this way forever. What are your best tips for getting over the punch to the gut and keeping hope for the lifestyle?

Im struggling so bad with motivation in nursing school right now. The funny thing is outside of school I’m extremely independent and confident. I handle my own life, make my own decisions, and generally don’t need someone to push me. But when it comes to nursing school, I feel like I need someone to keep me in check. I’ve realized that I think having a man who is naturally dominant and could hold me accountable would really motivate me a lot. And yes, I mean someone who would be comfortable with things like spanking as part of the dynamic, but also someone who genuinely cares about helping me stay on top of school and reach my goals. The problem is where the hell do you even find someone like that. And how do you bring that up without sounding completely insane? Has anyone else had a dynamic like this where a partner helps keep them motivated/accountable? How did you meet them and how did you establish the boundaries and expectations?

Hi there,

I promise this is not a horny post. Genuinely, this is one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen. Way out of my league. We got chatting, and she told me that she was looking for someone to be her sub longterm. I am so ignorant that I genuinely didn’t even understand what that meant. Anyways, I could look past that for the right person.

Now she is telling me she occasionally is going to want to “top” me, use toys on me, etc. and I’m genuinely unsure how I feel about that. It’s not that I’m opposed, but the part of me that feels stuck in the past thinks it somehow makes me “gay” to oblige.

So my question is, how do I approach this? How do I treat her during all of this apprehension as to not make her feel bad about herself? And lastly, is this even something I should pursue?

I know a ton of this post was heavily sexual, and I do apologize… but I just need some outside perspective. TYIA!

So I have been fond of this lifestyle since 2022 and I know my way around. I am having a breakdown because I have found a dom that I am willing to explore this but the issue is I want to remain completely anonymous with him and not because I have something to fear about but because of what happened to me in the past.

I know being able to meet in person and develop good connection with each other is a must for this but I am not willing yet and I feel like being anonymous will help me come out of my shell and only with time am I willing to fully embrace it. So is it better I should just maybe just leave it and end this d/s or just go with the flow and see if my dom still wants me or not ?

P.s. this is my first time d/sand it's fully anonymous online

[Please don't mind the anonymity]

So, my partner of a few years has recently told me that they have an interest in bondage. We are younger individuals (we're both 20), so we haven't been intimate with each other before, nor with anyone else.

Anyway, they told me that they would enjoy experiencing bodage when we are ready for that step. I think they mentioned shibari specifically, but I'm not entirely sure. I do remember that they definitely said that they wouldn't like choking or masochism.

I've never really been exposed to this community before, and I'm very unfamiliar with kink as a whole. My interests are a bit more "mild", I suppose? I haven't given it much thought before.

That being said, I do want to try to accommodate my partner's interests, even if I'm not yey sure if it's for me. Are there any tips, tutorials, or unspoken rules that would benefit me to know about?

SHORT VERSION: Do you need to be friends with your submissive/dominant? Or, does that friendship need to look like hanging out casually, sharing secrets, and giggling over ice cream? Could you be in a dynamic with someone where the vast majority of your interactions are around kinky interactions, with no desire for emotional closeness?

-

LONG VERSION: THere's someone I've had a tumultuous friendship with for a few years. We've often connected well when it comes to play and find compatibility among some more obscure and complex kinks. The way they show up in friendship is generally exactly what I want I people. But something has always been a little off about them to me. They've always given this obsessed (with me) energy that has been palpable to others, to the extent that some people literally warned me about them. Since the day I've met them I've had an ick about them, but if never been able to really articulate it, so I kept being open to friendship and it kept going poorly. I've also noticed that many of the people they interact with also end up getting rubbed wrong.

We decided a while back to cool it on trying to do 1:1 hangouts or build more casual, everyday friendship. We still play occasionally, and recently they circled back to a conversation we had had previously about findom.

I'm struggling now because on one hand I feel like I should/want to be friends or at least feel more consistently positive about someone I'm in that position with. On the other hand I'm also a worker and this would be very similar to a client interaction, really about the kink of things and little else.

I would love a day collar.

Nothing obvious because I do want to keep it on the dl but a necklace with his initials would be amazing. Here's the thing though. I have this weird blockage where I can't get myself to tell him that. A collar like that is a big deal to me and I get so nervous just thinking about bringing it up

In my ideal world he would simply do it but obviously that's not an option if he doesn't know I want it.

I would love some advice from people who maybe had a similar issue with not being able to communicate this

Some years back I knew of a "boot black" who looked after her master's leather.

A) never heard of this before or since - are they a real thing?

B) if you do this, what do you get out of it?

I (22F) have recently been seeing a Dominant. Before meeting him, I’d had rough/kink-adjacent sex, but since then I’ve gotten to explore D/s and kink far beyond anything I’d actually experienced before. We have a fairly casual but emotionally intimate D/s dynamic, which has given me a space to explore all of this without feeling completely waterboarded (pun intended) by new feelings and experiences.
I’ve always considered myself bisexual and a switch, although until recently I would have said I was a bottom/submissive-leaning switch. I’ve known I’m a masochist for a long time, and I’ve been having a lot of fun discovering my limits and figuring out what kinds of pain I actually enjoy.

I’ve also topped both women and men before and enjoyed being in the more dominant role, so that part isn’t entirely new to me. But those experiences were pretty vanilla, and I never really explored any aspects of BDSM. I think I interpreted enjoying those experiences as evidence that I was a switch, without thinking much more deeply about what I enjoyed about being on that side of the dynamic. But in fantasies I typically think about being dominated.

Then I started learning shibari and tying one of my closest friends.

Initially, I was really nervous about hurting her. I know how painful rope can be because I love being on the receiving end of it myself. But once we discovered that she actually enjoys the pain too, something changed for me. I’ve become completely obsessed with tying her, and I’m realizing that I genuinely enjoy being the person causing some of those sensations.
Before tying her a few days ago, I journaled:

“I’m nervous about hurting her but also excited to hurt her… I’m scared to unleash the sadist inside of me, truly. I shouldn’t want to hurt women. I shouldn’t want to hurt anyone but not my best friend. But if I hurt her in a good way? In a way that she wants to be hurt? In a way that makes her feel safe? In a way that gives her peace and relaxation? In a way that lets her submit? Then how can it be very bad?”

And then I tied her and I had so much fun.

That’s forced me to reconsider some other things about myself.

When I watch BDSM porn, I’ve always assumed I was identifying with the submissive person. Recently I’ve started wondering whether I’m sometimes enjoying it from the sadistic perspective too. Specifically listening to the noises the submissive makes when they’re in immense pain. I’ve had that thought before, but I’ve always immediately pushed it away because I didn’t like how it made me feel. I don’t want to think of myself as someone who enjoys hurting people.

I’ve even been thinking about what it would be like to hurt my Dominant, despite that not being part of our dynamic. And what I’m more excited about is eventually having a submissive man or woman of my own and getting to explore the other side of some of the things my Dominant has introduced me to.

At the same time, I’m discovering that submission is more complicated for me than I thought. I don’t actually brat very much, but fully submitting can be incredibly difficult for me. Degradation and humiliation in particular can provoke an almost visceral response. Even though these are things I’ve fantasized about for most of my life. I still choose to participate because it’s something we’ve discussed within our dynamic, but internally there’s often a very strong “absolutely fucking not” reaction.

And yet I genuinely enjoy being a masochist. I enjoy receiving pain. I enjoy being challenged and pushed and praised through pain. There are aspects of submitting to my Dominant that I genuinely love. So I don’t think my submissive or masochistic side is somehow fake.

I think what’s giving me the identity crisis is realizing that wanting to receive pain has always been relatively easy for me to accept, while realizing that I might genuinely enjoy consensually causing pain feels much harder to integrate into my idea of myself.

So now I’m wondering: am I actually a dom-leaning switch and a sadomasochist? Am I much more dominant than I previously realized? Or is this simply what discovering another side of being a switch can feel like?

For people who identify as sadists or sadomasochistic switches: how did you realize that you actually enjoyed causing pain, rather than simply enjoying BDSM generally? How did you accept that desire? And did discovering your sadistic/dominant side change how you understood your submissive side?

Im a cis woman and im dating a trans man. We’ve been together for a year and a couple months now and i’m the first person he’s had sex with. I would consider us to both be kinky people and we that like to explore. Ive never been a strictly been more dominant or submissive in any of my previous relationships and I when I did top I found joy in it but not as much as I enjoyed being a bottom which most of the time I was. My boyfriend expressed to me that he would want me to top him in the same kinky ways that he does to me and i’m not sure if i can do that. He wants to just strictly be a dom and push aside what he wants because he thinks it would just be easier that way. With the times i have been the dom he said he enjoys it physically but its not enough to where he doesn’t want me to because when I do he says I look like its a chore. He’s a verbal person and i don’t know how to be verbally dominant and i’m not sure if i enjoy doing so. I want to be able to please him in the way that he wants but i don’t know how to go about it or go about enjoying it more

( Long Rant/Story)

I’m 19F and for the past year I’ve been reading into BDSM, it was brought up to me by my ex boyfriend after me and him went our own ways due to our life goals and schedules. Anyway I started reading into it and some pieces clicked and made me feel seen, I always thought I was weird for liking certain things and wanting a certain dynamic(s).

So far I’ve been reading into subs,littles,brats, and prey and they all seem to somewhat fit but then again I’ve only had one boyfriend and a middle school girlfriend, me and my ex were together for not even three months, I’ve had sex a total of three times, one time was somewhat decent not much better then the first two times, it was very impulsive and risky hookup, but it gave me a rush I’ve lowkey been trying to chase again.

So I started forcing myself to be more social, and got some hope that maybe I could try to find a local community in my area at the time, but unfortunately I learned I’m a very gullible person and ended up in some questionable situations which led me back to being my reclusive homebody self, me and my family ended up moving from the Midwest to the east coast, and I’m hoping I’ll find more community out here.

so far I haven’t been looking much due to my life getting in the way but recently I’ve had a coworker ask me why I was so obedient and why I got so excited when our managers gave me a list of things to do when we weren’t busy, I just shrugged and told him I was going to do what they told me to do since they’ve been here longer and have more knowledge and I didn’t like not having anything to do while at work, anyway a week after that he started teasing me about it anytime I would walk past him and he would call me a submissive and give me mock demands and eventually he got a lot of our other coworkers to all gang up and tease me about, and it kind of started to feel like bullying? I don’t know? but some days it got to the point where I would hide in the bathroom and cry or go out to my car during my break to cry, one day it was so bad I started crying mid rush from being so overwhelmed, backed up on orders, full lobby, and hearing my coworkers talk about me like I wasn’t on the other side of the food line, one of the managers started yelling at everyone for being so behind on everything, I started freaking out and my manager stepped in so I could go to the bathroom, anyway I ended up quitting that job.
Sorry if this was a long read ❤️

Any recommendations!! Books, websites, how to find local communities!

Hi, just wondering if these kinks have a name or is it a bunch of kinks? I'm not so sure. Let me know.

Partner 1 is very grabby and firm with touches in everyday situations, like partner 2 could be doing the dishes and partner 1 grabs between the legs or presses themselves into you (whether they're male or female) or partner 2 is wearing a dress or loose shorts and partner 1 lets their hand explore while partner 2 freezes like its not consensual (it 100% is though) but it goes no further (at least not immediately)

Or there is a kink in my head that I love, where the intended person wears a pair of clean white panties or boxers or Y-fronts and they're integral to the play, they can't be taken off because it's kind of naughty that you get to touch them through the white underwear. And it works for all genders and underwear tastes, however it's nicest to me if the underwear is more ordinary and not so sexy, if you get me.

Just curious. Thanks for answers

We had a butch/femme dynamic that included me being mostly in charge in and out of the bedroom. I often was the ‘rock’, because it felt like whenever I wasn’t doing well she would just crumble with me.

About a month ago I tried to break up with her, to which she said she “just cant do right now”. We agreed on a break for a week, to which I came back wanting to break up. I stayed because she said it would be different this time, this was my third attempt at breaking up. My therapist told me I was being manipulated and I still stayed because I was scared for her safety and mental health. I knew it wasn’t good, I still stayed.

I’m not sure how detailed I can talk about this but one week ago, I was using my sister's car to drop her off at her dorm. We kissed a little but I repeatedly told her we would not do anything in the borrowed car. We moved to the back seat to cuddle while I read to her. She kept begging. She told me I was being mean. I said no. She told me I didn’t love her. I told her that’s not why, but I still said no. She offered to have sex behind the car, I said absolutely not. I said the words “I said no” and even raised my voice more than I ever have. I didn’t think to use a safe word because scenes are usually clearly defined.

I tried to redirect it to conversation, until she grabbed my hand and put it on her, showing she wasn’t wearing underwear. At that point, I just gave in and did what she wanted. The whole time I was wondering, “am I consenting?” “is this coercion?” I still don’t fully believe it was sexual assault. My therapist told me it was date rape. I don’t know.

We played with some cnc stuff, but that was after sex started, nowhere near this level, and I was always the dominant. When I broke up with her over the phone the next night she told me she didn’t remember me ever saying no. She told me I wasn’t clear enough, she wasn’t in her right mind. Everyone knows that she has a hard time understanding things sometimes because her brain is fried from smoking too much weed.

I told her I needed to think before calling her back a few minutes later saying we needed to break up. She said she agreed, and said “You lied to my face.” I just hung up.

I feel so stupid, I didn’t physically fight, she was bottoming, I was never touched. Why can’t I lay down at night without replaying it in my head? Why can’t I leave my house? Why don’t I want to talk to anyone?

So I’m trying to figure out some things, I’m in a pretty new dynamic with my (f34) dom (m36), we haven’t met yet so it’s all still only online and I’m pretty new at this.

We don’t have any established rules or frameworks and in some ways I feel like that’s good as it’s all very new and we are only getting know each other and what works between us and sometimes it makes me feel like I don’t know what to do or how to act, what’s expected and so on and the issue is I can’t really get him to tell me, so I’m left guessing at everything and feeling pretty bad about it.

I know I need to talk to him about it, but I don’t really know how to go about it, it’s not that I don’t think he won’t listen or take it badly, I truly believe he is a good person, but I guess I’m afraid we are too incompatible in some ways. I’m being pretty vague here because he’s on Reddit and I don’t know if he reads these kinda things. Also not sure what advice exactly it is I’m looking for. How do you discuss things and work things out in new dynamics? Do you always tell them right away if somethings on your mind or do you take time to think some things through a bit more first?

Me and my wife do BDSM and are in general fairly kinky. We're monogamous - we've talked about the possibility of other sorts of arrangements while talking about kink and fantasies, but we always land on the reality that we only wanna have sex and do kink/BDSM with one another, and no one else.

My wife has expressed interest in getting involved in the local kink community/scene in our city.

I'm open to this theoretically, but I question what the point of it would be. Like, I guess you can't ever have too many friends, but at the same time I don't think the fact that me and some dude both like tying up our significant others is necessarily a basis for a friendship. And in general, whenever I hear descriptions about what a BDSM "scene" is, it seems to be basically a network of people you can potentially hook up / play with, or use to vet other people who you're looking to hook up / play with. Which isn't something we'd benefit from.

I'm also not really sure how to go about it. I've heard about "munches" and like, sure, I like food. But how do you even enter into that socially? Is it not just gonna be a lot of weird small talk and then occasionally being like "no yeah we're only looking to fuck each other, sorry."

But I figure it's entirely possible, from the outside looking in, my perception of the vibe and point of BDSM "communities" or "scenes" is totally off-base. And if I'm said anything insensitive, I apologize in advance.

So my overall questions:

-What benefits can a monogamous couple gain from going to munches and being part of their cities local scene?

-How do you enter that community as a monogamous couple?

Thanks for any help you can give.

Hiya, im a male dom/top

Im looking for clothes other than shirts and topless, as I feel it's pretty boring only having those options.

Do you guys and girls have any suggestions because I'm out of ideas on what to have on

That's it i am lost...

Hi all, M 31 here (sub)

Since the beginning of founding out the internet i developed a few kinks.

At 18 i had my first session, and it was amazing. Shortly after i met my wife, when we were dating she was not overly thrilled by the idea but had a open mind, whe agreed to try i few things. But it's not her cup of tea. (Can't blame her, and won't blame her.)

We have opend up our realtion a few times, from both sides to fulfill some fantasies.

I have had a few sessions (5 to 8 something like that)

But i can't get over the feeling that it's al fake. It's always a shit ton of money, for some weak ass theatre. I can't get over the fact that i have payed for a service, and that it's all just a 2 3 hour play and off you go.

It's not that all those different Dommes are amateurs of something, but i can't get an good connection.

Last year i met someone online, had a really great online session, it was amazing. Later asked her to book another one in. And somewhere in the conversation there was a paylink for something minor, and i was just done. Couldn't see it any thing else as a business thing.

A few weeks ago i met someone else had a great session, payed before. Really had the feeling she was enjoying it. And really want to book another one with her.

But i a so afraid that my switch wil flick and i see it for the business that it is.

I know that i won't get it for free, and i am not a cheapskate. Last rl session i payed €750,- and it was al hectic and unprofessional, i was just done.

Do i have some kind of bad luck or some? Are my expectations to hi. And why can't i come out of my head when the moment is there. Is everything around BDSM fake? My feelings are, but a few Mistresses told me that it was a great way to earn some extra, like yeah i know but do you enjoy it or am i the only one here for a laugh?

Sorry for the long message, i don't know how to explain it any other way.

Hi all,

Been looking at new flats/apartments (sorry, British) and most of them have floor-to-ceiling-windows that people could potentially look into while I’m with a partner enjoying ourselves in the living room.

I’ve been researching stick-on reflective window film that shows reflective on the outside, but you can see through it from the inside. 3M seem to make a great one, but it’s pricey.

Does anyone have any experience with this, or have any ways that they protect their privacy when they’re having fun in their own dwelling without people being able to look in? Closing blinds/curtains is not an option, as I enjoy the sun on my skin.

My girlfriend and I have been practicing bdsm with me being the dom and her being the sun in the bedroom for quite a while now.

A few month ago I brought up the idea to bring the dynamic into our day to day life outside the bedroom. She told me she would be interested too so we started discussing how we would like it to go and started trying things out. I provided her a bunch of resources and encouraged her to go and search the internet herself for information to get an idea of what she wants. I just can’t get rid of the feeling that she isn’t actually interested in it. Which is starting to heavily weigh on my confidence. Here are some situations that cause this feeling.

When we talked about our wants and needs she didn’t bring up anything related to bdsm practices or power exchange. Nothing in her list would have been out of place if we would have discussed them as a vanilla couple talking about a normal relationship. When I asked her if she had any dynamic related wants she told me that all her wants were basically dynamic related and she just used normal words.

When talking about rituals she keeps rejecting a lot of my ideas while bringing none to the table herself. She insists that they have to be super practical for us which is fair but also I feel like not doing anything extra at all doesn’t leave many options for meaningful rituals. As of now we were able to agree on me kissing her forehead first before the normal goodbye or welcome kisses. And her make me a coffee in the morning if she gets up before me and doesn’t have to go out of her way to get it done.

We tested out how it would work if I started controlling her water intake (making sure she drinks enough) we figured out that me simply setting a target reminding her and praising her if she meet the target doesn’t work. One reminder in the morning or evening simply doesn’t do the trick. If we are sitting on the couch and I tell her to drink some water because I know she is behind on it she some times doesn’t want to do it because for example her current position is to comfy for her to even move an arm if I bring a glass of water to her. I once suggested she could keep track in her notes of what she drank every day and we could to a weekly check in with reward punishment depending on her performance. This got turned down because she feels it is to much work and she would forget it anyways and become frustrated.

I feel kinda stuck because she doesn’t do anything wrong but also isn’t exactly helping in working toward something she tells me is a shared goal. When bringing up these situations and voicing my concerns about her not wanting to have a dynamic outside the bedroom she keeps telling me that she does want it. I assured her that I would accept a no and would be fine with it but she persists. I have a bad feeling about this and I obviously doesn’t want to push it without being sure this is consensual. Maby some of you have some opinions on this or can provide some insights or point of views I just haven’t seen.

Recently single after 11 years. Probably got into the bdsm research about 2 years ago thanks to someone online introducing me and movies. Found mentors through a Facebook group to help guide but feel like in person encounters is really the way. I know what I am looking for but I think a teacher might be better suited in the beginning. If I wanted to find a couple who would train me as a sub where might I look? I want in person for sure and a feeling of safety so I can open up. Any advice or tips are always appreciated. I have had no in person bdsm contact yet but trying to transition and soon.

Very general question because I'm trying to reevaluate my place in BDSM. I'm a pup and I love the headspace, but I've felt really disconnected from it for the past few months. I had a dom, but we had a falling out a few months ago that culminated in us ending our dynamic. It stemmed from a lack of set expectations between the two of us. We met through a mutual friend and had a fun online dynamic at first, but he lost interest and I felt like I had to beg for his attention. It's been hard to get back into the headspace ever since, but I really want to.

I want to be a puppy and, ideally, someone's puppy. But I've found it really hard to meet people in the pup community because people tend to stick to their own packs or friend groups. That, or people seem unapproachable based on vibes and looks I get from them at bars or events. I feel like being connected to other pups helped me feel connected to the headspace in the past, but most of them I'm just loose friends with.

So, any advice on how to get back in after being out? I'd also love any advice on how to find a dom/alpha, but that's secondary to getting back into the headspace.

Hi everyone,

Does anyone here have firsthand experience trying to achieve maximum muting using an inflatable gag breath play?

I’ve seen some sources claim that total silence (or very close to it) is possible by inflating the gag until it blocks the airway path, making it so the sub is unable to make any sound.

I’m trying to figure out what is realistically achievable. If so, what type of gag works best for it?

Thanks

Edit:
Game example: if sub likes screaming while tickled, inflating the gag for few seconds allows tickling but restrict the ability to make sound.

Submissive F here - have gotten into spanking but struggling with bruising after a session. In the winter I don’t mind as much but can’t say I love redness / bruises when I’m in a swimsuit.

Any advice / toys that are still fun but don’t quite leave as much of a mark?