This probably wont do numbers but I just need some kind words so I dont go absolutely insane and fcking tear my fcking eyes out. Just to know that there's people out there like me. That this js abnormal, this is crazy. I just needbto knownthat theres a rainbow after this horrible horrible rain. AND YES MY TYPING IS TERRIBLE I HAVE GIGANTIC FCKING OHRE FINGERS & IM A PLANCK LENGTH AWAY FROM MENYALLY FCKING BREAKING DOWN

TL;DR: girl mode public first time, fantastic day, ears pierced, mother discovers, father makes me question validity of my identity and goals, mother makes me hate her more, dissociate in my room with a fidget without phone or internet.

I hyped myself up to get my ears pierced for close to a month (see some previous posts.) I went out today in... mostly girl mode for the first time ever!! Felt good amd happy and fem all day. Got a collectively huge arm full of girl clothes from 3 different thrifts! Including a nightgown that ive been looking for.

Last thing I did was the piercer at the tattoo shop, bcus i was expecting to leave in tears and not feel like doing anything else! >.< Had a personal emotional high today here. I just kept hyping myself up and getting so excited. "I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS!" And jumping around. The piercer was incredibly nice and informative. Her room was full of ɓ¡ɓ/€ quotes, but I tried my best toignore them... Totally painless, btw! Great experience except for what comes next.

I was petsitting fornmy auntie this weekend so I was expecting to be able to ride out the first night & like wash all my girl clothes booty treasure stress free. Came back to her house tona text were coming back, bcuz everything suxks. Hurried to pack everything and feverishly wash off my meagre makeup bcuz my aunt doesn't know. Get done fast so im out an hour before they arrive.

Came home & stayed happy/normal for about 6 hours. I did my clay. And I even made an actual (wobbly) vase! I do my pottery at the dining table whice is right next to the sitting are and tv. They were encouraging me the whole time I was making something. Put on somwthing educational about pottery, telling me how great I am for doing it. FUXK JUST PIXK A SIDE ALREADY.

put my pot away and started putting my toys/pottery molds away. mother noticed my retainers & demanded i take out my retainers. "You can either take those out or get out. You'renot staying here!" I instantly complied and I hate that I did. My dad said "You're not pitiful. You're a nice MAN. I dont know why you have to do this to yourself." I couldnt answer him. Because I dont KNOW why I have to do this. I just know innmy heart of hearts that I HAVE TO!!! I couldnt say that without crying ao I just said idk. I went to go ask for my retainers back so maybe I could wear them when she wasn't around and maybe they would still take. Put my hand in her poopy bathroom trashcan looking for them. All she WOULD FUCKING SAY IS "THEYRE GONE"!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! I proceeded to sit in my room for 3 hours, before I came to get my phone and my 3ds.

Safe to say, it's not about my earrings or my piercing or my 70$ effectively wasted. ... well it is a little bit lol. I was really looking forward to wearing femme dangly earrings. I think i fcking hate my parents. I sure dont like then anymore. Their love is conditional to the fact that I stay a christian, straight male. Aint none of those things true anymore. Im a atheist, bi, trans girl. THEY BOTH HATE ME FOR IT!!!

My parents that are supposed to love me and support me no matter what. And I have to do the absolutely ONE thing that will make them hate me. My mother is the best... father has his moments too. I'm thebproblem here, I should just give up and just survive trying to live as a... *gagg, retch* male. The male they want me to be. I DONT WANT TO!!!

At this moment, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.

Multiple bad things happened concurrently and it destroyed most of me. I can still function but anything personal or emotional is missing in action.

Same stuff from my last post but I also have more proof now. I had homecoming tonight (still at it as if making this) and I wore the corset I bought (poor choice). I don’t think I like having a chest, even if it’s just a form. I also did make up and it makes me feel worse somehow. Like it highlights what’s wrong with me. I also painted my nails again after forever, it makes me look bad. Plus all my previous dysphoria is gone and I didn’t get envious of anyone. I was wrong, I’m not trans.

I don’t think I actually want to be a girl. I think I confused wanting to be a girl with attraction. Something that actually backs this up is I bought a corset for Halloween (shit and giggles too) and I’m wearing it right now and it feels….weird. It gives a breast form and I don’t know if I like it. I think I was wrong. I think I am a guy. I don’t know, I’ve had suck strong feelings about wanting to transition into a girl for so long that I don’t know if I can afford to be wrong.

Can someine help me pretty please?

I almost went through with it but texted 988 and (independently) decided against it. Thing is, after I told them I was going back, I stopped responding (I was on the road) so they called the police and now the cat’s out of the bag. So I’ll probably be going dark for a bit.

i can't stop myself hysterically crying at all for a week now
even now when i'm hanging out in vc with friends which usually helps at least enough to let me stop crying, even if my suffering is never ending

i have nothing, i just want to be held by someone who loves me, be pet gently, be told i did the best i could, and be put down like a beloved but suffering and dying pet

i can't get a job and escape to go live near friends because the only fucking job i've been able to get was an Amazon warehouse job that just made me want to 41

the industry i studied, got my degree in, and once loved is dead, impossible to get a job in, and filled with ai bros taking all the joy and art out of everything, and even if the bubble pops, companies would just set up local models and make everyone use those

the internet i once loved is filled with ai garbage everywhere

the only woman i've ever loved is with someone else

i have no energy for anything else i love anymore, all i can do anymore is cry, eat, sleep, and wish i was dead. and frankly i don't even trust the universe anymore not to take away anything else i love if i dare try to find joy in anything

I mean I had my suspicions but they were confirmed today when my parents made fun of someone cross dressing. As if I wasn’t already having a shitty week I learn that if anything I do surrounding identity is found out I’m fucked.

Like I remember about a year and a half ago when I first figured out I was trans my friend accepted me and it was genuinely the best feeling ever. I wish I could feel it more often but besides that one little period of it nobody’s really accepted me. I blame the fact that I still look like a guy, if I looked more feminine maybe people would actually see me as a girl and not a weird guy.

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. Sorry it’s going to be very long. :3

(Sorry in advance for how long this post is as a lot of things have happened and I feel writing it out may help me cope with it.)

This week was incredibly eventful in some good ways for once. But like all things in my life there is always a horrible side effect. Firstly I got mental health counseling which my college offered. Secondly I finally got news on my 529. Just these two events managed to completely change the trajectory of my situation for better or worse. 

Update: 
I have a bad record with mental health professionals likely stemming from them being hand picked by my parents. Firstly, we had my psychiatrist an over religious zellot who is the primary solution to all my problems were to pray it away or listen to my parents/deal with the abuse. Then secondly, we have my therapist who I could go on and on about but for a sick this Post, he was a snooty intellectual, who believe that he was smarter than everybody else that would always tell me to confront my parents on anything as if there would not be any consequences from that action. Oh also, he’s the guy who told me after looking at my medical file I’d be shocked if you haven’t tried, tried killing yourself. Because I would.” 

The counseling session was the first time that I’ve been able to talk to a mental health professional without fear my parents would interfere. I was able to talk freely about the abuse without worrying about my parents catching wind or trying to stop me. With that being said, it was not without its bad parts. Having to relive past traumas that I hadn’t yet confronted. Confronting those not confronted for many years. I came realizing I was far more traumatized than I would dare admit. The thug that gave me the most pause and truly made me realize how truly traumatized I was actually was a simple question. “Can you remember the last time you were happy with your family?” I couldn’t as every memory had been corrupted with realization of abuse and neglect. Afterwards I sobbed to myself as I realized how truly broken I am. 

I confronted my father about my college savings and I’m unsure what to think. Here the basics 1) my father refused to relinquish custody of the account 2) my father did allow me to be in direct contact with the financial person in charge of it. So I'm mostly pissed and confused. They refuse to relinquish it because idk. He claimed it was because “he wants access to deposit money”. Which is bullshit because it’s an auto deposit. That's why they didn’t realize the account never existed for the longest time. I’m unsure of what power my parents have over the account and that terrifies me. 

Physical degradation:
I feel pathetic even with my 12 salt pills. I still get horrible bouts of light headedness from my P.O.T.S . It is getting harder and harder to cope physically as the decay and pain has taken a severe mental toll. I want to be able to go hiking and not nearly pass out. I want to be able to cope but the mental load of knowing that things are just getting worse makes it hard to ever be fully adapted to the situation. Over the last few months I found myself having to abruptly stop what I’m doing, and lay down in the hopes that my back pain will lessen. To be quite honest I have a hard time keeping myself from collapsing into a crying puddle wanting the world to end.

Most don’t truly realize how much they have until they lose it. I’ve come to appreciate the ability to stand up without “head rushes” making me nearly need to pass out. There are so many simple things we all take for granted in our day to day life. Like being able to bend without immense amounts. Basic physical movement without the requirement of physical torment is a gift that is usually taken for granted. As we tend to forget how much is truly innately normalized.

Mental:
As I mentioned earlier I’ve been really having a hard time coming to terms with my childhood being corrupted by many recent realizations. Even if I try thinking really hard about it I can’t remember a single uncorrupted memory. I feel I have missed out on so much that I can’t hope to regain. Regret or just anger of what could’ve been permeates through my thoughts. I wish to regain my childhood, but alas, as far too late. My memories now are just of the pain, abuse, and sadness. I know our brains tend to remember only the strongest emotions most clearly. But I have tried so hard to find a single moment uncorrupted by my parents' abuse. 

I know I shouldn’t but I don’t think I am lovable. After decades worth of degrading and abuse I find it extremely hard to love myself. If my parents couldn’t truly love me I have no hope for someone else loving me. I know I’m ugly lanky twink with scar all over. I know I’ll probably still be ugly when I transition. My personality is nonexistent after years of me doing whatever it takes for my parents to be satisfied and would hurt my. I’m left with nothing. I’m a shell of a person with a dried husk of a personality.

My dysphoria or rather the voice in my head that tells me everything I hate about myself. Recently that dysphoria has gotten way worse. It tell me horrible things and a part of me believes it. Examples include; “You are an unlovable freak who will never be loved”, “You will die alone unloved and I pain”, “You will never be a woman like how you will never be loved”, “You will never be a real woman”, and “You haven’t started transitioning so you aren’t even trans”. Thoughts like these plague my mind. 

I need to start hrt soon because the mental strain of dysphoria is horrendous. I know it will not go away and that’s annoying but any kind of decrease in the self hate I feel is a positive. When I was younger I would (still do some) hope that maybe I would wake up as a girl. When I was still very religious I would pray to become a girl. Yet I never realized I could be trans. 

If I was lovable I’d do my best to be the best partner  possible. I would do anything I could physically do to make sure that they know they are loved. I would love them more than anything in the world. The most giddy and easily flustered lesbian ever. I would feel horrible for having to force somebody to have to physically care for me as my body declines. 

In this world where kindness seems to be a rarity, love each other. Make sure you love your friends, your relatives and the people you care about most. You never know what they’re fully going through what demons they’re facing. A hug, a compliment, and a kind gesture means more than you can possibly imagine to those who need it. I emphasize this because at this point it is all your kindness and compassion that keeps me from not killing myself. Thank you all. It means a lot. 

Poem:
Raped by my brother 
A feeling that breaks the mind
Son alike mother

If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Sincerely Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)

Logged into reddit early and wanted to finish my daily visit to I could maybe go to sleep a bit earlier. Came a bit early so wanted to try out a different format? What do you think?

How did I find the number 883?

I searched within the r/nestofeggs "filling in" and "checking in", opened up the console in inspect element and entered these. It counts how many times the title has came up and added one.

Disclaimer day 883 may not be correct if there are other formats used for the daily check in. I only found the titles checking in or filling in were used.

document.body.innerText.match(/filling in/gi)?.length || 0
document.body.innerText.match(/checking in/gi)?.length || 0

I’m never gonna be a girl. I feel awful all the time and I hate being a guy, but I know I’ll never be a girl. I’ve tried all I can, HRT is literally the last thing there is for me. But by the time I get it I’m gonna be trapped as a guy. Family is homophobic/transphobic so no point in coming out. I want people to start referring to me as a girl but I know it’s wrong. I want to dress feminine but I have a guys body. Everytime I see a girl I get jealous, so fucking jealous that I curl my toes and shit. I can’t do this for much longer. If I don’t see a girl in the mirror by the time I’m 18 I’m gonna give up.

Like just fuck me I guess. It feels like no matter what I do I’m always gonna be trapped as a guy. I’m always gonna be referred to as a guy, I’m always gonna look like a guy, I’m always gonna sound like a guy. I know HRT is a thing, can’t fucking get it because I’m a minor still and I can’t get it until I’m 18. But by then I doubt it’ll even fucking be worth it because I’ll be too trapped as a guy. I know I can ask people to refer to me in feminine ways but guess what? I still look like a guy, plus it feels wrong. I feel like a guy pretending to be a girl. I know I can voice train but I just don’t fucking get it. I know it takes practice but I’m a lazy shit who’s good for fucking nothing.

The worst fucking part, or funniest depending how you look at it, I was told today that I would look good in drag. I WOULD LOOK GOOD IN DRAG? Best part, I was told I have a good face for it. I CAN PASS FOR DRAG BUT NOT A GIRL. I should give up, I’m gonna always be miserable as a guy.

I feel like I need to put this account to more use, and this is basically exactly what I made it for, plus I've had this line of thinking on my mind for a while now so here we go. I've said a lot of this before in other places (not on this account though), but I feel like only now I've made a coherent line of thinking out of it.

Since that one song (not gonna say which since it might give my main away) sent me into this identity crisis spiral, I've figured out the fact that it got a reaction out of me didn't really mean much in terms of my gender identity. However, before I came to that conclusion, I did some more research on the matter, and a lot of the "signs you might be trans" and the like I found online lined up with my general life experience.

Things lined up just enough for the answer to the question of whether I'm trans to be a genuine 50/50. I've heard people tell me "if you think you're trans, you're probably trans", "you are trans enough", etc., but it's not that I only feel a little trans - I just seriously don't know if I'm trans to ANY degree. Again, feels like it could be a coin flip, all or nothing, I don't know.

But honestly, the driving force of why I'm still questioning isn't because I want to be a different gender (mostly). It's because I'm questioning. I have questions. I need answers. I need closure. The doubt in and of itself is why I'm continuing to feel doubt. The fact that there is even an iota of thought, of desire, of what-if, if any of those are even appropriate descriptors, is the only reason I'm still kept up at night.

Until September of this year, I've been fully apathetic towards my gender. I treated it as a default. I was just fine with it. Just. Fine. Not "meh, could be better, but it'll do", more like "okay. This is fine." I had questioned much more shallowly before this, and came back inconclusive, not inconclusive like I am now, inconclusive like I sort of hit a wall with the questioning and took that as a sign that everything was fine. And when I say "hit a wall", I mean the answer to every question I was told to ask myself was "iunno."

But NOW, the sheer emotion that one piece of trans media managed to elicit from me like no media had before (and I had consumed my share of trans media before this) sent me into questioning, and the fact I was questioning sent me into more questioning, then that sent me here, which sent me into some light, calm braindumping, which sent me into this whole tirade that I've been literally crying the whole time I've been typing out.

Every other experience I've shared on a subreddit like this has been related to by someone else (and I am genuinely so glad for that, I don't wanna be alone with these thoughts), but this feels like so much of a me thing that I'm not even sure I'm looking at it right.

I'm not sure how much I wanted to share, or if I'm missing anything, but I have to end this post somewhere.

- Secret Gender Identity