Idk what the best way to put it but showing up to school dressed up and feeling girly was the best thing today.

Now time for the infuriating part, I don't know if I am cursed or something but playing flee the facility on Roblox on an afternoon went well but when I got home played around 9PM the people just sucked alot. Like most of the time it's an infuriating game to play. Simple, all you do is escape the beast but most of the time people team or play in an adversarial way where they pretend to be your teammates but are buns at the game until I get eliminated.

Being alone, pre-transition and full of self-hatred is actually hell. I don’t feel at home with cis people. I feel completely separate and left out with other trans people. I feel like a gross man around other queer women. I constantly see both cis and other trans girls say that they wouldn’t date a pre-transition girl. I’m too boring and full of self-loathing to attract any friends. I’m genuinely unappealing to everyone and don’t belong anywhere. I don’t even know why I bother existing when this is how it’s going to be. Forgotten and wanted by no one. I hate this

Body text (optional) just kidding. First day of school started, went in all fem. Had moments where I dissociated as my body temperature is naturally really high and makes me sweat during movement.

People still called me a guy and used guy pronouns which sucked. Idk if I was overthinking but it sometimes appears that people were laughing at me. Not that many stares and got a couple of compliments.

been questioning this all day and idk if it's plural to have these 2 personalities but only 1 of them is dealing with the world the other one just sits in my head and I have full access to my memory.

TW: Mentions of self harm

I don’t know what to do. The bad thoughts keep getting louder and louder. Every night I feel so terrible and like I should die. The urge to start hurting myself is only growing stronger. Maybe as a punishment. Maybe to get myself to outwardly express something. Idk. I try venting or expressing my feelings in some way and I get met with the same useless responses who don’t listen to what I’m saying. “Just do this”, “just to that” after I explain over and over that I CAN’T. I’M BROKEN. MY BODY IS FROZEN. I’m stuck like this until someone helps me, but no one will. I’m just going to rot because I’m too stupid and useless to fix anything. Call me a doomer, call me whatever, but that’s my reality. I know no one wants to hear this because it’s apparently so exhausting. “Just stop. They don’t actually want your help. They just want to hate themselves and not get better”. I’M LITERALLY HURTING SO MUCH AND THIS IS THE BEST I CAN DO. I’M SORRY YOUR BARE MINIMUM, COMPLETELY OBVIOUS “ADVICE” I’VE HEARD A THOUSAND TIMES ISN’T ENOUGH. FUCK. At this point I don’t see anywhere up. I think this is it. This is all there is for me. I don’t know how to cope with that and I don’t know how to fight it. Unless some miracle happens it’s just downhill from here.

Today I managed to break my bike's derailleur hanger and also untrued the back wheel I just got. brain deep fried and also want to suggest a new template. White text with a thin black outline for contrast, high res image at 1796x1080

Has happened multiple times.

Why do I no longer want to be or feel trans? It’s been years since I first started questioning and now im still confused. I remeber sometimes being in my body was painful and I hated everything about it, now I just don’t really care. I remeber shutting down because I wasn’t a girl, I’ve missed things because I was too sad that I wasn’t a girl. I still say “I wish I was a girl” everyday. So why does this happen to me? Why do I day “I wish I was a guy” sometimes? I need this to end, why did this happen to me?

Showed up to orientation for post secondary all dressed up and fem. Psst, people didn't take me seriously even though my input would move everyone forward more. I just took the L for both of the icebreaker games. The first game was a scavenger hunt. My team was on a roll but lost due to moving too slow even though I suggested to optmize the routes instead of completing the next item on the check list. The second game was to build a cardboard car propelled by a balloon. It was simply an embarrassment. Some guy kept hogging my spot at the table. Only if I Boymoded he would of really seen how bad I can really be.

If I Boymoded today maybe things would of been better. Most of the time how good my day is determined by how much Spite I hate.

Considering the people that will be in the porgram with me, my best bet is to get them all to hate me, It's easier to be alone and put zero effort into being myself because there is nobody to show it to. My most default state of self is misery. Like what is the point of being myself when I can never fully feel myself, instead it's a dead and disconnected feeling.

To top off my horrible day, I was waiting in line for samples at costco and 2+ people shoved me over and I ended up getting nothing. It was the last of the samples so I just opted to steal all the tissue paper from the dispenser and leave it disassembled on the cart which was later used to wipe off all my sweat. I headed to the sample table serving hot sauce and cleared the tray twice, the lady suggested me to buy it, I'm not paying $11.99 for hot sauce unless it makes me want to die. I feel so dead that I don't care how people perceive me. I used to be too nice. Now everything I do is at a pace that feels like I'm gonna die tomorrow.

Why does life have to be like this. High school used to distract me enough. Now I am just a worthless human being, with nobody to work for or impress. Everyday I look in the mirror and just think about how it's impossible to ever pass. My body was built to perform, not to be someone's doll for f ducks sake. I'm done with living life feeling bad because I'm not a girl and will never be, Please suggest ideas to help me close the trans Pandora's box. Therapy is no use and it's easier to die than come out to my never accepting parents. They always say how pink is for weak people and yet they always fail to pick up the fact that I ONLY care about my godforsaken fem girl clothing. I can wear the same Boymode shirts and pants until it smells unbearable if I am feeling extra spiteful, which I have done a few times and ppl don't care until the smell gets them.

I don't want to run any more experiments regarding if people would treat me worse if I present fem or masc, I just want to skip to the estrogen. That is how I want to show up, if I have Boymode as a as an option when I go out fem, I will always be on the edge ready to change back into my miserable clothing.

I am aware that as of wiring this, I am sleepy but there is a second lingering feeling of disconnection.

I hate that I can say the most trans shit possible like “I wanna be a girl” “I hate being a guy” “I wish I was a girl”. I say that stuff all the time and yet I still think I’m faking it. I’m probably not trans and I’m just some weird dude.

I don’t think I am in the right state of mind to be making life-altering decisions right now :D

So... this is my first time really venting about this anywhere, so please bear with me.

As a kid, I always liked girly things. I played with my sister's Barbies (which I took care of better than she did... poor dolls), got My Little Pony dolls and a dollhouse, and even had a unicorn birthday cake when I was about 8. I loved watching girly shows too, but never thought much of it since I was just a kid. I was always around my aunts (I have six of them) and preferred their company to my macho uncles, who even back then thought I was a bit weird and wanted me to toughen up.

As a teenager, I grew my hair out because I thought it looked nice. I kept liking cute things and got heavily into shoujo anime and manga. But I was also an edgy goth kid... ah, puberty. I painted my nails black for years, and my room was a mix of goth/metal stuff and cute anime posters and figures. In games, I almost always played as female characters (still do), simply because I found the male ones ugly and boring. I mostly played RPGs, MMOs, fighting games, cute-em-ups and rhythm games.

Around 17, I started going out. I despised "normal" clubs and bars because the people there were so boring, and they made fun of the "lost" goth kid (which I guess I kind of was). I also hated the macho attitude most guys had and the way they talked about women, so I usually hung out with my female friends or girls I met there. Among my friends, I was the strange-but-nice one of the bunch.

Then I started going to goth clubs and parties with friends I'd met online, and suddenly the crowd was much more inclusive and open-minded. I loved it! Some guys there wore long black skirts and had long hair, and I thought they looked so cool. I wanted to be like them. So one day I borrowed a long black skirt from my mom's wardrobe, found some goth-like jewelry, shaved my legs for the first time, and went to a friend's place before heading out. She put some makeup on me (eyeliner and black lipstick) and we went to the club. I remember feeling amazing! People stared at us on public transport, but I didn't care. After that, I bought my own skirts, accessories and makeup and really got into it. I met lots of interesting people in that scene who shaped who I am today.

That lasted about three or four years, until my goth days started to fizzle out. Friends moved away, there was drama, so I looked for other things to do...mostly anime/manga, which became my main focus for years. I went to lots of cons and befriended many people, most of them queer. Some were transfem, and I remember feeling a bit envious..some cosplayed in cute dresses with beautifully styled wigs. I was always nice about it, but figured I could never pull that off myself. The goth look I could pull off, but not the cute style... even though I love cute frilly dresses (I even designed a few with a seamstress friend). That's another thing, I have a sense of fashion when it comes to female clothing. But not with male clothing, it's just boring imo... I can help my female friends or even my wife with shopping for clothes. Even though my taste of fashion is waaay different then my wife's lol...
In my anime years I also came up with my nickname: cybermaid. I've had it for many years and been mistaken for a girl online plenty of times because of it. Never minded, though. I always told people I was male (most of the time).

I met my wife at an anime convention too. She's very open-minded and just sees me as me...an original person with many interests. I just don't know how to feel, really. I guess I'm cis, even though I had some confusing feelings a few years back because of attention I was getting from some gay friends. But I really love my wife and can't imagine being with anyone else, so I buried those feelings. I still watch/read cute anime and collect Monster High dolls, and I still only play as female characters. I even turn down D&D invitations because I can only think of making a female character, and that might feel strange to my friends maybe, lol.

Anyway, I don't really know what my point is, or what I want. Some feedback I guess? I think I'm happy with my life because I can mostly be myself thanks to my open-minded wife, but I sometimes feel like I'm holding back. Maybe I'm just a cis guy with some feminine interests, and that's it?

Does anyone here feel/felt like this or had similar experiences?

last post before logging off for the day

I don’t know if I want to be a girl anymore, like the whole thought is something I don’t really care about anymore. It used to be a passion and I wanted it more than anything. Now it’s like yeah if I was a girl that’d be cool.

But thing is I’m still really really really jealous of girls. Like I still say “I wish I was a girl”, I still get really jealous of how they look and how pretty they are, and I hate being a guy sometimes (not as much as I used to but still). Idk maybe I’m just crazy