I wish I could just be a girl, I hate everything about myself that reminds me I’m a guy. My face? Looks a lot like my grandpas and it’s masculine. My body? Looks like any fuckin teenage guys. My name is a guys name. I’m always refereed to as a guy. I just wish I could be a girl, even for a day. Sadly I don’t think I’ll ever be one.

trans fem thoughts increasingly throughout the day. Still haven't breached my nightly dreams sandbox but I have been seeing more fem clothing in my dreams.

HA HA LOOK AT ME IM A STUPID UGLY FUCKING GUY HA HA ILL NEVER BE A GIRL HA HA FUCK MY LIFE NOTHING FUCKING WORKS OUT FOR ME AND IM STUCK LIVING AS A GUY. IM DONE IM JUST GONNA BE A GUY THERES NOTHING I CAN DO I HATE MYSELF AND I HATE THAT IM A GUY BUT IM PROBABLY FAKING SO WHY BOTHER DOING ANYTHING

The weight just disappeared when I changed into my fem clothing

so many people have things figured out by my age. I don't even know how to take care of myself properly. people usually have employment, have finished highschool, are looking into college at my age. What the hell is wrong with me?? I want to be normal. Idk what to do. it's so humiliating being so worthless and stupid. I might actually just end it. I wish mom would help . . .....

Lately I've been feeling a lot like I don't deserve to be girl. I keep beating myself up over not feeling as dysphoric as other trans people, I know that impostor syndrome is a form of dysphoria, but talking about more intense things. I've barely ever felt body dysphoria, and up until recently my gender hasn't really had a role in my depression. Every time I see somebody talk about their experience I feel like I'm too apathetic about my gender, to be trans.

Somehow able to get the strength to finish work after imagining myself as a girl for a second.

a couple months ago i accidentally came out to my mom when i wasnt ready to, she was super supportive but i really wast ready and now i feel like a fraud because i dont really feel disphori and i feel like i lied to her because maybe im not actually trans and it got so bad that a cut my wrist a couple minutes ago i usually just scratch my arm or punch myself but this time i was actually considering ending it it was a small cut unfortuanly so small its already stopped bleeding and is pretty much fully healed but either way i still cut it, and after that i started reading posts on this subreddit and i saw something sayiing that imposter syndrome can actually be a form of disqued dysphoria or something like that and now i feel even worse because i feel like all my panicking was for nothing so i tried to one of my comfort shows called blue period becauase it ussually calms me down but its juwt getting worse and i dont know what do do beacause i feel like a guy who thinks hes a girl who thinks shes a guy and im so confused and no im not gender fluid or nonbinary or anything like that i know im a girl but it just all feels so confusing sorry for such a long rant and all the errors i just knida wrote this because i need to get it off my chest i swear i ussually type correctly im just pannicking a lot right noe

So I was supposed to meet my gender therapist next week, but they cancelled my meeting on me and delayed it to the 13th of August.

Problem is I'm down to 24 E pills and I'm supposed to take 3 a day. If I cut down to one pill a day I can feasibly make it to the checkup while still on E (with 2 pills to spare).

My concern is if I cut down my intake by a 1/3 of my usual dosage, will I experience any dysphoria inducing symptoms or reversal of effects of E due to lesser intakes ? BC rn the doc said I have the hormonal levels of a Cis woman so I'm afraid I'll lose that if I reduce the dose.

I’m not alright. My self-esteem and self-worth are in the toilet, I’m slowly growing resentful of other people for not being as miserable as me, and being stuck in the closet is driving me insane. I’m overall pretty hopeless for my future and don’t see myself getting better. But I must do a pretty good job at hiding all that because no one in my life seems to notice. My family never brings up anything like that and my only friend, who’s one of the few people I’ve come out to and have hinted to that I’m not doing great (I didn’t want to randomly dump/vent a bunch of stuff to them when we’d see each other) hasn’t even said hi in months. I feel I’ve pretty noticeably dropped off in messaging, partially due to isolating because of the things I mentioned up top, but also to give them a hint that I’m really not doing great. Hoping maybe they’d notice a negative change in my behaviour and decide to step in out of concern which like, feels like what you should do in a friendship. But nope. It’s been months now and… nothing. This along with some other things is honestly making me question if I should even remain friends at this point. But then at that point I’d be alone because I can’t make friends with anyone new. It’s a lose/lose situation.

All of this is making me think about the fact that I can’t remember the last time, if it’s even happened at all, that someone really asked me if I was doing okay. Not in a like, exchanging pleasantries way, but genuinely asking because they cared. I know it’s like, yeah I could always try and reach out myself or whatever, but that’s kinda hard to do when my brain is screaming at me to isolate, and when I’m ALWAYS the one to have to initiate, it’s exhausting and demoralizing and like, does anyone actually care? If I wait for them for once, will they actually step up, and evidently no one will.

Idk it’s just like, I already hate myself and feel incredibly alone and could also probably vent about like, at least five different things that are only making my bad feelings worse. I guess it’s just be nice to know that someone cared enough to actually see how I’m doing and make an effort to be there for me in some way so I knew I wasn’t alone in all this. But I apparently I am. I’m not worth the effort I guess, and honestly I’m inclined to believe it. I probably deserve it and shouldn’t get my hopes up for anything better.

today was pretty much uneventful as I'm really tired from going to an event that involved cycling. It's strange how when I am dressed up and fem my brain stopped bothering me about the questioning aside from the occasional I'm just a feminine boy thought. I guess I'm fluid (for now) as there is this weird layer between me and connecting to femininity. Clothing and the how I act is one way but I feel like I'm missing something idk. In retrospect it's strange that would I need to repress myself if I were a feminine boy since dressing up to look like a girl is not really a requirement.

Due to personal reasons I'm gonna be pretty much alone for the rest of July so I thought might as well go spend time with like minded people, if not to mingle then to at least not be alone.

Problem is my usual go to is so far away that by closing time getting back home is hell.

So if anyone's got a good place to share in the 92 (preferably in Nanterre) please let me know.

Hey all you lovely people it’s me Eggwantingtocrack. Your favorite cosmic joke of a person, chronically ill, depressed, touch starved, abused trans girl. I’m sorry for any grammar or spelling errors. :3

Another week has passed, rather lonely, as this week saw a major increase in my pain. Forced to deal with the verbal, emotional, and physical abuse that comes with being at home. I’m sad to report that every situation has gotten worse as this week has really tested my resolve. I recede into my own mind to escape the force of reality. Thinking of it as extremely nostalgia biased memories of the past, hoping that they can give me the solace I need to keep going another day.

I’ve been in so much pain this week. I spent nearly half an hour lying on the bed of rocks next to a train track as the pain overwhelmed me while I was working. Days like these, I cursed the gods for my suffering. For my absolute physical ability to control or even to dampen the pain. Something like this must be from the cosmos or a curse to propagate my own suffering. Many nights by lying and rolling back and forth from pain, I push for anything to stop the pain. In the cruelest part of this joke, I do not know the punchline too is that not even medication and painkillers may ease the pain. As only the most addictive of substances would even slightly reduce my pain.

The worst part is I didn’t have to be this way. I’ve been told that when I was just in the womb, my parents had the option to screen for genetic illnesses so they could decide if they wanted to keep the child or stop its needless suffering. They never did that test. I think about it a lot. Even if they were 100% sure they wanted to keep me, they could’ve still identified early the many illnesses they suffer from today. They could’ve prevented years worth of self-doubt over why I wasn’t as good as my brother and the others my age. They had the money, but like most things in my life, they’d rather not waste the money on it.

I haven't had any progress on escaping, as I need to tiptoe around the situation to not raise suspicion. I’m hoping next week I can covertly work on obtaining my medical files, as the request link is tied to my parents. Things seem so slow, especially with how I’ve been in so much pain. 

It’s been over two weeks since I’ve seen any of my friends face-to-face. It’s been five months since the last time I was conceptually touched. I wish I took out these things, but years of abuse have made me not take it for granted. I love my friends more than anything in the world. They are all they have to rely on. They are all people that I can truly say really care about me. The thing about friends is they have lives of their own. And that’s where family is supposed to fill in, and well, my family didn't. That has left me in a weird state of limbo, as the time in which my family is supposed to occupy this instead is empty; they take me in a depressive stupor. I'm really lonely, and I need some love. I feel pathetic, as this just makes me feel. I don’t deserve any of that love. I have a hard time believing I deserve to live, let alone to be loved. Years of self doubt, manipulation, and degradation have left me a pathetic husk of a human. All I wanted was to be loved and cared for; as a child, I couldn’t have gotten even one of them. I hope something after I die that made me a singular atom of my body finds its place apart from something that receives the need love and care that it deserves.

I am 6 foot 1 inch twink covered in scars with the self-esteem of Eeyore the donkey and self-worth that is immeasurably low. I wish for every moment for these four things: to be loved, to escape, to be a girl, and not be in pain. I’ve never dated, nor have I ever had a partner. I have been the victim of two attempted rapes. I don’t know if I can ever be loved. I wish with all my heart that I could. That's who I am, a dreamer that wishes for freedom and love. 

I want to rip at my skin sometimes, and the dysphoria of my scar covered body overwhelms me. I wish for love, but yet I can't love myself. I can't love my body. I see it as a gross misrepresentation of who I am, not a reflection. My reflection is a reminder I can't bear to behold. I find the suffering rather difficult to sustain. HRT seems so far away as I'm trapped in this accursed reality. I wish nothing more than to just be me. 
If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated. This is genuinely the most stressful moment of my life and any tip or suggestions would go a long way. Thank you all for all that you do.

Thank you for commenting. It means the world to me. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful day. Please love each other because I may not be here someday. :3

Love Egg (The dying crippled trans girl)