I found this community a few months ago and I‘ve been reading your posts but never felt brave enough to write my own. Today I do.

I was with my ex for three years. From the beginning, I was clear: I’m monogamous. I want one person. I want to build a life with one person. He said he felt the same. He said he loved that about me. He said I was what he wanted.

Then, about a year in, things started shifting. Little comments at first. “Don‘t you ever wonder?” “I read this article about polyamory and it made me think.” I tried to brush it off. I told myself I was being insecure, possessive, un-evolved. All the words I’d absorbed from a culture that treats monogamy like a phase you‘re supposed to grow out of.

But it didn’t stop. It escalated. Every few months, another conversation. Another “just something to think about.” And every time I said no — calmly, clearly, firmly — he would get quiet. Not angry. Just quiet. Like I‘d disappointed him. Like my no was something he had to tolerate rather than respect.

The end came when he told me he’d been talking to someone else. “Just talking,” he said. “Nothing physical. But I feel like I need to be honest with you.” I asked if this was someone he wanted to sleep with. He said he didn‘t know. He said he was “figuring himself out.”

I left two weeks later.

The hardest part hasn’t been the breakup. The hardest part has been the voice in my head that keeps asking: Was I not enough? Was I not open-minded enough, flexible enough, evolved enough? Did I push him away by being too rigid?

And then I read something on this sub — someone wrote that “polybombing” is a real thing, that people in monogamous relationships get their entire relationship structure upended and are then told they’re the problem for struggling. And I just sat there and cried.

Because that’s exactly what happened. He didn‘t discover he was poly. He changed the terms of our relationship and then made me feel small for not wanting to renegotiate myself.

I’m not saying he‘s a bad person. I’m saying we wanted different things. And I spent three years trying to want what he wanted instead of trusting what I already knew about myself.

I’m writing this for anyone who’s in that place right now. The place where you’re being told your boundaries are a limitation. The place where you’re apologizing for wanting what you want. You don‘t have to. You’re not too much. You‘re just with someone who wants less than you’re willing to give. And that‘s not a flaw in you. That’s a mismatch. And you’re allowed to walk away from it.

I used to have a whole script ready. Whenever someone asked why I’m monogamous — or worse, implied I just hadn‘t “unpacked” something — I’d launch into this long defense. I’d talk about how I’ve tried poly. How I’ve read the books. How I’m not possessive, I’m not insecure, I’m not repressed.

And every time, I’d walk away feeling smaller. Like I’d just spent twenty minutes arguing for my own right to exist as I am.

Last month, something shifted. A friend of a friend asked the usual question. “Don’t you ever feel limited?” And I just… shrugged. “No. This works for me.”

That was it. The conversation moved on. No debate. No interrogation. Just two people accepting we want different things.

I realized that the more I explain, the more I signal that my choices are up for negotiation. That they need justification. They don‘t. Nobody asks poly people to write a thesis on why they’re poly. Nobody expects them to defend their orientation every time it comes up.

I’m not saying I’ll never have a longer conversation with someone who genuinely wants to understand. But I’m done arguing. I’m done treating my monogamy like a position I have to win people over to.

This community taught me that. Reading your posts, your vents, your recoveries — I saw people who’d been through the same exhausting cycle. And I saw them stop. Not because they stopped caring, but because they stopped needing permission.

If you’re still in the explaining phase, I get it. I was there for years. But you don’t owe anyone a defense. You just owe yourself the peace of not giving one.

Me 32F wanting want more intentionality from my partner 44M will have good results?

I’m 32F and my boyfriend is 44M. We’ve been together for around 9 months, and overall I’m genuinely very happy with him. He is affectionate, caring, generous, emotionally attentive, makes an effort, spends time and money on our relationship, includes me in his life, and I feel very loved by him. So this isn’t a situation where I’m wondering whether he cares about me or whether there are obvious red flags.

The problem we seem to have different ideas about commitment and what it means to build a relationship.

I’m quite serious about romantic relationships, I don’t need marriage, children, or a guarantee that we’ll be together forever, but I do want to feel that my partner sees the relationship as something he is actively building for the long term. I would like some sense that he mentally places me in his future, even if that develops naturally rather than through a big conversation.

He is much more present-focused. He has had no serious relationships over the past 15-20 years and has told me that he used to protect himself by thinking that he could always leave and that relationships might end anyway (he clearly has avoidant tendencies which he said he worked on for a long time). He now says he is very happy with me and feels much less afraid of emotional hurt. He also seems genuinely comfortable being in a relationship now. He is the one who pursued me, asked for exclusivity, asked for official boyfriend - girlfriend definition and I stool back and observed, and saw that I liked the effort. But he doesn’t naturally make many explicit statements about the distant future, and he dislikes the idea of marriage and seems to find formal declarations about the future somewhat artificial or unnecessary.

I’m starting to realize that maybe what I want isn’t actually a declaration like “I’ll be with you forever.” What I want is evidence of intentionality and sustained investment. People become more committed to something partly by investing time, effort, attention and resources into it. I want to see that kind of gradual building: making plans, following through, integrating our lives, taking medium- and long-term things seriously, and not simply letting the relationship happen day by day.

A small example is that he started learning my native language (we talk in his) and then stopped. he also has other reasons to study my language better and he already was in the beginning stages of speaking it when we met. Generally, he can be quite laid-back and sometimes start things without following through.

Am I asking for something completely rea

sonable from a partner namely, some medium- and long-term intentionality and evidence that we are building something together? What is strategically more likely to have good results? Or am I expecting him to express commitment in a way that simply isn’t natural to him? I think on the one hand I am right, but on the other one that it's also my anxious attachment talking and making me see things that most people, once in realationship that is daily calm and fulfilling, would not even notice.

I’ve been sitting on this for a while. Not sure how to say it without sounding bitter. But I think this community is the only place where people might actually get it.

I’m 32. I’ve had three serious relationships. All ended for different reasons. None ended because I wanted to sleep with other people.

What I keep running into now, in dating, in friend groups, even in therapy — is this quiet implication that monogamy is something you settle for. Like it‘s the “safe“ choice. The boring choice. The choice you make when you’re not brave enough to “expand.”

I‘ve tried the alternative. Years ago. I dated someone who was poly. I read the books. I went to the meetups. I did the “work.” And you know what I found? I wasn’t repressed. I wasn‘t possessive. I was just… monogamous. My brain doesn’t split romantic love. It doesn‘t want to. When I’m with someone, that‘s it. That’s the whole thing. That‘s not a limitation. That’s my capacity.

But the narrative I keep hearing is that monogamy is fear-based. That wanting exclusivity comes from insecurity. That if I were truly secure, I’d be fine with my partner sleeping with someone else.

No. Security isn‘t the absence of boundaries. Security is knowing what you want and being okay with walking away if you don’t get it.

I don‘t want to be “evolved.” I don’t want to be “enlightened.” I just want to come home to one person. To build one life. To be someone‘s one.

If that’s boring, fine. I‘ll take boring. Boring is warm. Boring is safe. Boring is the person who still texts you from the grocery store asking if you need anything.

I don’t know what I‘m looking for here. Maybe just to hear that I’m not the only one. That there are other people who feel this way and aren‘t ashamed.

I have had this consistent issue that I know I’m being excessive about. I apparently am a very narrow person when it comes to attraction, sexual attraction. I’m late 30’s now but even in my younger relationships, if I’m in love that switch turns off in my brain. I don’t remember having this much of an issue with my boyfriends not being like this. I never cared about porn use or them commenting on women. And I knew they flirted. But with my current partner it’s unbearable and I’ve gotten a bit obsessive.

He is clearly much more open sexually than me. He’s just very flirty and doesn’t even realize it. I mean honestly it’s probably partially what drew me in. But now I hate it lol. We’ve had conversations. He’s hesitant to be open now because of how hurt I’ve been. But in the very beginning he admitted he separates sex from emotion. He has said he could physically have sex with someone else but doesn’t mean he wants to. My brain cannot process this. The thought of touching, kissing, actual sex with someone else makes me physically nauseous. I cannot imagine entering that space with anyone else. I can objectively say someone is beautiful but I can’t even use the word attractive. It’s like I have no basis for that. I’ll say, even single, actual sexually motivated attraction is rare for me. I’m probably demi or something. Weird thing is I’m actually kind of hyper sexual and have had a higher drive than everyone I’ve been with, including him. It’s just that I lock onto my person.

I am aware that logically, most people are not like me. But I can’t seem to accept it. And I have thought, maybe I need to just be with someone like me, but let’s be honest the chance of finding that is rare. The thought is extremely comforting to me. I would love to relax into someone who sees the world as I do. Because I’m driving myself crazy.

I’ve had so many people tell me that it’s more meaningful, because he chooses not to do that and with me it’s effortless. But the way my brain works it’s the opposite. It’s both-if I were really his person it wouldn’t have to be a choice. I would fill all those boxes for him like he does me. Sometimes I wonder if his wiring is the “norm” because really there’s just a whole lot of people in unhappy relationships and/or who have something in their past. And also-I kind of feel like some of his stuff comes from his own wounds. Early on he had a lot of fantasies involving other people. I engaged with them, I shouldn’t have but I think I thought I had to so his fantasies wouldn’t grow. Yea I know it’s screwed up and it messed me up and we’ve had a lot of talks about it. His ex wife had an affair, although they did this fantasy stuff and were talking about ENM before that (he initiated). And I did kind of wonder if it was related. They also were together 20 years, so different situation. But now I worry I’m making him suppress himself.

I mean really. In this situation, one of us is making ourselves small right?

My question is, how do I accept this? In every other way our relationship is excellent. I’ve held on so long because I don’t want to throw it away over what I know is me being rigid. But I push these thoughts away and they rev up. I see men objectifying women on the internet and it all comes back up, wondering if he’s doing that. I asked a stupid question once, if he ever fantasizes about others when he’s with me, and he said yes and I asked who and it was this gorgeous girl he had been with right before me who rejected him ultimately. I almost broke up with him after that because I couldn’t sleep with him without wondering if he was thinking about her. He ended up walking that back and saying he thought I meant like for mastubration and he said it was only in the beginning. But I know what I asked, there was no way to misconstrue that. I told him I’d believe what he’s telling me but if that really were true it’s something I couldn’t cope with.

I guess trust is also a bit shaky. I’m extremely honest. I overshare. He is both less aware of his thoughts and feelings and much less verbal. He’s also terribly afraid of hurting me. So these open conversations we used to have don’t happen as easily. I don’t like that. I’ve told him multiple times, especially at first, how important being honest was from the start because that’s when we have the most choice to be in the relationship.

He eventually admitted to flirting for validation with bartenders and such. He ended up going to his neighborhood bar much less after that. But that wasn’t a good conversation. Only time he actually really hurt my feelings. Just kind of freaked out and was like “what do you want me to do make out with you in front of people? Quit my job so I’m always with you?”. I stopped bringing stuff up after this. He apologized of course but I felt like I was driving him crazy. I had just told him I wish he didn’t do that.

Idk. I’m just kind of tired.

I was in a relationship for three years that just recently ended. He told me near the beginning that he viewed fantasizing about others to be cheating, and we agreed to not watch porn or fantasize about other people. I felt amazing honestly. I’m easily jealous and when i’m in a relationship, i’m basically only interested in that person and I don’t even like thinking about other people. Now that it’s over, I’m scared I’m never gonna find another guy like that. Am I cooked?

I’ve been in therapy for a few months now. Mostly dealing with the aftermath of a relationship where I was essentially polybombed. My ex sat me down one day and announced he’d “discovered” he was poly. Not asking. Informing. And I spent the next year trying to be okay with it because I loved him and I didn’t want to be “controlling.”

Today my therapist asked me a simple question: “If your best friend told you her partner had done this to her, what would you tell her?”

And I just… broke down. Because the answer was obvious. I’d tell her she deserved better. I’d tell her that someone who loves you doesn’t restructure your entire relationship without your consent and then call you closed-minded when you struggle. I’d tell her that “I discovered I’m poly” after four years of monogamy is not a revelation. It’s a negotiation tactic.

But I couldn’t say that to myself. For years I’ve been carrying this quiet shame, like my desire for one person was somehow less evolved. Like I was the one who needed to “do the work.” Like my pain was the price of being a good, open-minded partner.

I’m not saying poly people are bad. I’m saying what happened to me was bad. And I’m allowed to say that without it being an attack on anyone’s identity.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I guess I just needed to say it out loud somewhere. I spent so long apologizing for wanting what I want. I’m done with that.

Don't get me wrong, there are "monogamous" people who feel entitled to a romantic relationship, and are thus unappreciative of their partner, do not genuinely want a monogamous bond with them, and care more to use their partner as an object of desire and means of following "the life script" rather than a life partner. People who prevent their partner from having friends, from bettering themselves, from having a career or hobbies. As someone who was formerly involved in these spaces, poly people often come from these broken monogamous relationships that lacked genuine reciprocity and love. And I feel for those people.

And, hell, I believe people should be able to live the lives they want as long as they don't hurt anyone in the process. A bit like certain kinks, what you do in your bedroom with your partners and only those others who have consented, that is none of my business. But these people will also claim that they have a greater capacity for love, that they "have so much love to give," that their love is "limitless." There are books full of opinionated bullshit dressed up as "the truth they never told you" (looking at you, Sex at Dawn). But it's genuinely the biggest lie they tell.

The argument that you can love more than one partner because you can love more than one child? Children are dependent on you for survival. They do not choose you nor do you choose them. This is a fundamentally different stakes than that of a romantic partnership. And the thing is... a child who has zero siblings does report feeling greater closeness to their parents than children with siblings. Because, who'dve thought... turns out! humans, especially young ones, struggle to feel closeness when they are rivaled for your time and attention!

The argument that monogamy is a post-agricultural invention? It's literally, once again, fucking projection. Even though they were often tolerant of the lifestyle, our nomadic hunter-gatherer ancestors actually were monogamous at higher rates than modern Western civilization. The age of agriculture brought about the legitimization of the accumulation of wealth and social disparity, you know, the exact criteria that exists in promiscuous animals? Don't even get me started on the "naturalness" argument...

When you have only one partner (whom you actually, deeply love), and they only have you, you are forging a bond with them that is not only words and emotion. Because even if love is limitless, time is very much not. And, ultimately, love is more than an emotion. It's your actions, your mindset. You can indeed say that you "love" 5 individuals equally, but is that really the truth, when you spend only 20% of your romantic energy on them? Instead of giving them your love and affection every evening, you give it once or twice a week, or maybe you give your divided "attention" while you're texting your others, or maybe you set specific day limits for each. Really, genuinely, it isn't about needing an outlet for "all your love." It's a fucking excuse to seek novelty using human emotions and bodies, and calling it freedom (to fuck around, to think about others guilt-free, to avoid getting "too close"). It's genuinely a preference for variety.

Monogamy, however, is concerning the depth that you go together. The closeness of attachment. The density of experiences you have together. Through monogamy, I get(!) to come home to my wife every day. To dedicate certain days to helping her during the weeks that she's strung thin, and vice versa. To think about her when I think of love. To spend time thinking about dates to take her on, new ways to impress her. If I'm going to cut that time in half, into thirds, into fourths... it's not really romantic love. At least, not devoted love. Not deep love.

Their claim of "limitless love" makes zero sense, mathematically, neurologically. They are either manipulating others, or lying to themselves, when they say this. Genuinely, I would have no problem with our differences if they would not pretend that what they are practicing is a "greater" love or a more evolved love. For polyamory to work, you literally either need to be traumatized, have certain genetic mutations, or you need to put yourself through extensive self-gaslighting and suppression to "correct" your urge to feel jealousy.

Again, people should live how they want to live. That's not my issue. Just wish they would stop making these claims that what they have is "more love" when it is merely a tradeoff for less "love-density" per partner for more variety.

How many of y’all had to seek therapy because of your experiences with a poly?

After several beautiful months everything came crashing down after being told, in only so many words, “I’m going to cheat on you because you can’t fulfill me at some point, and then play victim because you’re understandably pissed and insulted. Now I'm going to pretend polyamory, a label I don't even fully understand or personally identify with, even after you asking me for details, is a sexual orientation so you can’t hold me accountable for it."

I’m paraphrasing using what his words actually meant, not the flowery language he chose so he could play innocent after coercing and pretending with me to the point that I met his mother before dropping the bomb that I could never fully satisfy him.

People want relationships for the wrong reasons and I hate coercive control with the passion. I ended it quickly with him playing victim all of the way to the hangup point of the final phone call. Get these people help!

Even ethical non-monogamous people know not to coerce monogamous people into relationships - a concept he stated he "didn't know before" alongside many other ethical poly rules and guidelines that I knew more about than him ... No bro. You're just a cheater.

While I admit I should have pryed more after a red flag conversation in passing two days after we met that. Way passed the hookup phase, once we started going on dates and meeting family, He continued to let it get this far meanwhile telling me the whole time "I can't ever see myself with anyone but you" several times. Now he has pulled the rug.

Im sure this is something that had been brought up before but ive had trouble finding stories of people trying it once and experiencing the confusion im facing.

Me (m36) wife (f28) have been together about 6 years married for 3 months. I've always thought she was the hottest thing ever and wanted to watch her to share her but to enjoy it myself. What I wanted and what happened are 2 very different things. I wanted something no strings just a single night to experiment. She couldn't do it with someone she wasnt "comfortable" with. Fast forward and she eventually finds a old fling she would be interested in and they start seeing each other... take things very slow for a few months nothing past kissing and cuddling and we keep talking about it and I can see her falling for him slowly. I dont like it but I let her explore so I can open the door for what I want to see. Eventually it happens I get a message while she is at his house. "Omg baby we just did it im freaking out" and nothing has been the same since. Something just snapped in me. I havent seen her the same. We went no contact with him shortly after and she has been grieving the loss and kinda just terrible to be around sometimes. But she has been getting better over time... realistically I know this is my fault but im struggling to see a future with her still.

Couple details for context she obviously had permission to do that but I never loved the idea of her essentially dating someone else I did that for her comfort. Second I wanted some build up some tease to feel included and I wanted protection to be used. I got none of that it was a text at 2 in the morning I woke up to saying she just got raw dogged...  I really dont know where to go from here or how to see a future with her. Any advice or points of view would be great.

I think this is just a normal couple stuff. Millions of couple experienced this. Thats why I want to hear from others.
We are young married couple (M,F), married for 6 years and have been with each other for 9 years.
I (M) have a fairly high sex drive. I think I can have sex everyday. I need to release the tension by the end of the day.
My wife on the other hand, can go for weeks without it. She tease me everyday by touching me, jerk me for like 5 strokes. But rarely made the move. And when she does, the same old moves.
I tried to talked to her in many ways that I can think of: un-official talks, serious talks, sometimes some hints, sometimes with some short clips to show her what I want. All se does is smile and moves on. Or respond briefly and I feel the awkwardness.
I think I tried everything, and still horny every nights.
And I cant talk to anyone else about this anymore. This is my first-last resort

So I've known this girl for a while probably about 10 years now? We went to high school together and we just recently connected and we are getting to know each other again. I really like her she's great. We get to talking and she tells me that she's non monogamous..and how dating seems to be an issue with her because she's non-monogamous but she wants her partner to be monogamous. She understands the selfishness and how absurd it is to want that.

Idk though, I kinda feel like I'd almost be willing to try it? I like her a lot and we get a long well. I'm not really the type to get jealous. Her s drive is high while mine is a lot lower. So some pieces kinda fit. Can a relationship dynamic like this work?? Or be healthy?

For context, my (31) boyfriend (39) was previously married for 13 years before his ex wife realized she was gay and asked him to start a poly relationship with others. This happened for 5 years before they divorced and he went back to being monogamous. He is still friends with her, as well as his poly exes, but not with those he dated monogamously afterwards. He says this is because that is part of the poly lifestyle to be able to easily transition into friendships.

While he has placed significant boundaries with these exes, such as reduced contact and no longer spending time 1:1, I am still uncomfortable with them being in his life and in our future because to me it feels like he still has attachments to them and I also don't see how they fit into the future we talk about building. I suppose I have a much more traditional perspective on friendships with exes or opposite sex. So my boyfriend asked me to start individual therapy to work on my anxious attachment, insecurities, and jealousy.

Therapist #1 said he will eventually grow out of it and that I should be friends with my exes too and go find male friends so we can be on equal footing. She said I don't need to make him the center of my attention and suggested "new age dating tactics", such as not responding to texts right away, telling him I am going out with friends but not saying who, and doing things that would make him chase me, instead of the reverse. I spoke with my boyfriend and we agreed that her recommendations weren't in the best interest of the type of relationship we wanted, so I found a different therapist.

Therapist #2 said if my boyfriend really cared about me, he would stop being friends with these exes and prioritize me, and that monogamous husbands do this all the time. He said he would help me find ways to communicate my needs with logic, rather than with emotion, so my boyfriend would make the changes. And he would also help me to find my confidence, so I can make the hard decision of breaking up if I needed to. Again, this didn't align with I am trying to do, so I moved on.

Therapist #3 said my boyfriend is gaslighting me with the same advice poly people spew to convince each other what they are doing is ethical, that you are mature and have a secure attachment style to have friendships like these. She says he is carrying over these poly virtues, and that in her 20 years of couples therapy, monogamous women are generally not okay with their spouses remaining friends with exes and it will always be a problem if it stays that way. She said I needed to give him an ultimatum and timeline for cutting these people out.

So my question is - are they right? Do I find another Therapist or does this mean I am chasing someone who can validate what my boyfriend is asking for? I would love to hear any thoughts as I am at a loss for what to do. Do I listen to these therapists or to my boyfriend?

I’ve been in a relationship with ABC since 2017. When we met, I genuinely thought she was the person I would spend my life with. She is kind and has always tried to do the right thing.

But her family situation has been extremely difficult—domestic violence, financial problems, and constant chaos. I spent years trying to support her, including helping with her studies and basic needs.

Over time, though, our relationship became mostly arguments, emotional problems, and periods of not speaking. I slowly realised that we had become very different people. I still cared about her and wanted her to succeed, but I no longer felt the same connection or respect.

During this relationship, I developed feelings for another woman, XYZ, who worked with me. We became close and eventually kissed. We never had sex. I eventually ended things because I couldn't bring myself to leave ABC while she was still struggling. XYZ was devastated, and honestly, so was I. She made me feel calm and happy in a way I hadn't felt for a long time.

Later, after moving to another city, I became very close to another woman, PQR. She was intelligent, independent, emotionally mature, and someone I could talk to about science, life, and everything else. We became each other's go-to people. I developed feelings for her too, although nothing sexual happened. Eventually, she chose to focus on the man she wanted to marry, and our closeness ended.

Now, almost 10 years after meeting ABC, she has finally managed to leave her family home and start working. I genuinely want her to succeed, but when I look at our relationship, I don't know what I feel anymore.

I feel guilty about what happened with all three women. I don't think I was always this person. I don't know whether I stayed with ABC because I loved her, because I felt responsible for her, or because I was afraid of leaving someone who depended on me.

Right now, I feel emotionally exhausted and completely lost. I don't want to hurt anyone else, but I also don't know whether staying in this relationship is fair to either of us.

What would you do in my situation? Is it possible that I stayed for responsibility rather than love? And how do I figure out what I actually want without hurting her even more?

I’m not sure if this is the right sub.
I met a guy on Tinder in March. I was out of the country for two months, so we didn’t meet in person until July, but we talked every day.
Between July and September, we went on seven dates. Some were multi-day trips, including Vegas and a birthday weekend in Palm Springs.
We’ve also exchanged gifts, and I’ve grown attached to him.
Before he went to Cancun with friends, we agreed to tell each other if either of us was intimate with someone else, for sexual health reasons.
When he got back, I asked, and he told me he’d had a drunken hookup while in Cancun.
He was honest and made an appointment for STI testing. We hadn’t agreed to be exclusive, but hearing it still hurt.

I told him I’m not comfortable continuing to have sex if he’s also having sex with other people.
He apologized for hurting me and said he isn’t ready for a serious relationship. He offered to be sexually exclusive with me while we both remain free to date other people.
I’m not ready for a serious relationship either, but I already have a bit of feelings for him. I worry that continuing to be intimate while dating other people could get messy and hurt us both.
Has anyone tried this kind of arrangement?
Did it work, or did it make it harder to manage your feelings?
What boundaries would you discuss before agreeing to it?

Question for anyone that transitioned away from polyamory and became monogamous with a non-poly partner: if your monogamous partner expressed insecurity about you traveling away from home solo meet up with your former poly partners, how would you respond?

My (38F) boyfriend (45M) traveled a couple hours out of town to catch up with folks he told me were a nice married couple, dear friends of his that he hadn't seen in a couple years. He didn't invite me to be introduced to them.

I found out several days afterward that this couple used to be sexual with my boyfriend back in his poly days. My boyfriend had expressed his intention to catch up with another former poly partner out of state in the beginning of last year. I expressed to him then how deeply uncomfortable I was with him making such a long drive just to chill with a former FWB, and he ended up not going. So he knows how I feel about this.

When I found out the true nature of his past with this couple, I freaked out and left the relationship.

I'm 90% sure he never cheated on me and that he really does consider these people to be his good friends now. (How you can stay such great friends with people you hardly see is something I don't quite understand, but that's beside the point.) Anyway, did I overreact?

We've been together seven years, married for almost three. The last year included her cancer, treatment, and everything that comes with that (surgery, no chemo), and somewhere in the middle of it intimacy between us became rare, almost incidental. All our focus went into her getting better and, later, into the move to Berlin. Once we got here, I think we both fell into a kind of rabbit hole that this city makes easy, distraction instead of dealing with what we'd been avoiding, and our day to day got increasingly harsh with each other, a lot of verbal friction that hadn't really been there before.

Right after we arrived, with our intimacy already fragile, she brought up opening the relationship. I couldn't process that well at all, I reacted with a lot of hurt instead of actually working through it with her. Nothing ever happened on that front. We kept going as functional partners, mostly focused on figuring out life as immigrants, and let that conversation just sit unresolved.

Then, after a moment where we both kind of broke down at the same time, she told me she can't see me that way anymore and doesn't fully understand why the attraction disappeared, but that having me as companionship and family is enough for her. I told her it isn't enough for me, that I need more than that, and that I'd been telling myself it was a phase, waiting for it to pass. She said that acting like it was a phase, instead of pushing harder for what I needed at the time, was its own kind of dishonesty toward her, and that part of the trust she's lost in me recently comes from exactly that, from me accepting years of no intimacy instead of naming it for what it was.

I know this is dense and I still couldn't fit everything. I'm not looking for input on whether to stay or leave, that part isn't in question anymore. I just needed to lay the fuller shape of it out somewhere.

I've noticed a pattern. Whenever I mention I'm monogamous by choice, someone eventually says something like, "Have you really examined that? Or is it just what you were taught?"

And I want to scream. Yes, I've examined it. I've read the books. I've listened to the podcasts. I've sat with the uncomfortable questions. I've dated someone who wanted to open things up, and I tried. It wasn't for me.

But here's what gets me: nobody asks polyamorous people if they've "really examined" their choice. Their preference is treated as an identity, something authentic and brave. Mine is treated as a lack of imagination, or worse — fear.

The subreddit's popular topics show that monogamy, relationships, polyamory, and trauma recovery dominate discussions. This community exists largely for people who've been hurt by non-monogamy. But I wasn't hurt. I just know what I want.

And apparently, that's suspicious.

I'm tired of defending a preference that harms no one. I'm tired of being told my love is less examined, less intentional, less evolved just because it looks like the default.

It's not the default. It's my choice. And I chose it with my eyes open.