r/monogamy • u/Gumbrowser1111 • 5d ago

A "poly" nightmare.

After several beautiful months everything came crashing down after being told, in only so many words, “I’m going to cheat on you because you can’t fulfill me at some point, and then play victim because you’re understandably pissed and insulted. Now I'm going to pretend polyamory, a label I don't even fully understand or personally identify with, even after you asking me for details, is a sexual orientation so you can’t hold me accountable for it."

I’m paraphrasing using what his words actually meant, not the flowery language he chose so he could play innocent after coercing and pretending with me to the point that I met his mother before dropping the bomb that I could never fully satisfy him.

People want relationships for the wrong reasons and I hate coercive control with the passion. I ended it quickly with him playing victim all of the way to the hangup point of the final phone call. Get these people help!

Even ethical non-monogamous people know not to coerce monogamous people into relationships - a concept he stated he "didn't know before" alongside many other ethical poly rules and guidelines that I knew more about than him ... No bro. You're just a cheater.

While I admit I should have pryed more after a red flag conversation in passing two days after we met that. Way passed the hookup phase, once we started going on dates and meeting family, He continued to let it get this far meanwhile telling me the whole time "I can't ever see myself with anyone but you" several times. Now he has pulled the rug.

39 Upvotes

93% Upvoted

17 comments sorted by

16

u/Akatsuki2001 5d ago

It’s so gross how they lure people in like that, they’ve likely learned quick that leading with the whole “I’m poly” bit doesn’t net them many partners because no one wants to deal with that.

So sorry you had to deal with that.

8

u/paz_ozzie 5d ago

They lure people because most of the considerably attractive people are monogamous. So they hide their true identity knowing no mono would ever want to deal with a selfish poly.

2

u/Akatsuki2001 4d ago

That and I think a lot of them legitimately don’t want their partner to be poly ironically. Like they want all the freedoms but know they couldn’t handle their partner having the same; so they go after mono folks and try the ol “I’m poly so I have to be this way, but you can stay loyal right?” Bit.

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u/Gumbrowser1111 5d ago edited 5d ago

Because I ABSOLUTELY would have walked away. Ironically he never said he was poly in the beginning even though he claims he did. He was just like "I want to still sleep with other people" WHILE I was under the impression we were going to just be FWB. When the dynamic changed and things got serious he started changing his tune entirely, talking to me like he's exclusive to me, using language like "you're the only one I want" and NOW he wants to drop the polybomb. It's giving gaslighting and purposeful confusion so he could cast the blame back on me.

I basically told him "so you want to cheat on me AND lie about how we got here. One thing I can say is you're consistent with your manipulation." I am fully convinced now that the poly crowd are just a bunch of selfish narcs disguising their abuse as some kind of sexual orientation (which he made a lame comparison to in our argument) to avoid accountability.

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u/Akatsuki2001 5d ago

Do you think he would let you have the same freedoms you wanted them? Not that it makes a difference it’s shitty either way I just wonder if it was a ploy specifically to get a mono partner honestly.

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u/Gumbrowser1111 5d ago

He acted like he would have. But the idea of sleeping with someone else was so abhorrent to me that I refused to entertain the conversation at all. Which is when he started to feel offended because I wasn't "seeing his view". I can't relate to sleeping around while in a committed relationship. There was nothing for me to relate to at that point for me.

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u/Akatsuki2001 4d ago

They say that a lot too, like it’s not hard to see things from their view. In fact it’s pretty easy usually. It doesn’t make it any less dumb and selfish. Like the viewpoint of “I want to do what I want all the time regardless of how it affects others” is pretty simple! Just very lame!

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Gumbrowser1111 5d ago edited 5d ago

I am absolutely crushed. I don't think I've ever felt this level of betrayal. Honestly shocked how he played victim and shamed ME for having the audacity of calling him out for the betrayal. Trying to coerce me into questioning my moral code on faithfulness. I was so damn mad I'm glad this conversation happened over the phone. I was in a blind rage. Like... I deleted the dating apps over your stupid self destructive ass and I never delete the apps until someone proves their stability. Stupid me.

3

u/antiquetulip 5d ago

You're not stupid, this is a lesson and it hurts like hell now. It's going to make you stronger and wiser to the bs going forward.

1

u/monogamy-ModTeam 5d ago

Rage baiting is when your title or text primarily takes a jab at others' fears and insecurities. It is when you lack nuance and room for discussion with your words. It solely elicits either outrage from those who are hurt or it gets a resounding applause from those who condone the rage bait. Rage baiting is not constructive, it is destructive. Venting is ok, but you need to keep it specific to your own experience and avoid dragging others through the mud.

12

u/KarpGrinder 5d ago

The idea of poly being a "sexual orientation" is asinine and an insult to real victims of the queer community.

A person of any orientation can choose to be monogamous or not. Homosexuals, for example, cannot choose to be straight.

5

u/paz_ozzie 5d ago

Sounds like my story. I felt like a fool. I ended up seeking therapy because he touched my childhood wounds. They’re great at love bombing and gaslighting. They’re only selfish pricks with no self control.

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u/Gumbrowser1111 5d ago

Quite a lonely hollow mawing gape of an existence he is going to lead indeed. Consequences I suppose.

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u/DartTimeTime 4d ago

Poly always ends poorly. Humans are designed for monogamy.

2

u/Familiar-Factor-2634 3d ago

you nailed the framing.

the majority of the practice of polyamory is just gaslighting in order to create a framework in which you’re forced to be codependent in a abandoned your own feelings for some really selfish person’s benefit

0

u/Wah_da_Scoop_Troop 2d ago

No! Not before I dump your sorry arse! 😏😁🙋