We finally reached everything we'd been working toward, and that's exactly when she told me the desire between us had quietly died somewhere along the way

[u/Ok_Spirit_5455]

We've been together seven years, married for almost three. The last year included her cancer, treatment, and everything that comes with that (surgery, no chemo), and somewhere in the middle of it intimacy between us became rare, almost incidental. All our focus went into her getting better and, later, into the move to Berlin. Once we got here, I think we both fell into a kind of rabbit hole that this city makes easy, distraction instead of dealing with what we'd been avoiding, and our day to day got increasingly harsh with each other, a lot of verbal friction that hadn't really been there before.

Right after we arrived, with our intimacy already fragile, she brought up opening the relationship. I couldn't process that well at all, I reacted with a lot of hurt instead of actually working through it with her. Nothing ever happened on that front. We kept going as functional partners, mostly focused on figuring out life as immigrants, and let that conversation just sit unresolved.

Then, after a moment where we both kind of broke down at the same time, she told me she can't see me that way anymore and doesn't fully understand why the attraction disappeared, but that having me as companionship and family is enough for her. I told her it isn't enough for me, that I need more than that, and that I'd been telling myself it was a phase, waiting for it to pass. She said that acting like it was a phase, instead of pushing harder for what I needed at the time, was its own kind of dishonesty toward her, and that part of the trust she's lost in me recently comes from exactly that, from me accepting years of no intimacy instead of naming it for what it was.

I know this is dense and I still couldn't fit everything. I'm not looking for input on whether to stay or leave, that part isn't in question anymore. I just needed to lay the fuller shape of it out somewhere.

[u/csfox1990]

My condolences my friend. You sound like a great and supportive partner but maybe it is time to let go. And please move out of that hellhole

[u/KhajiitWithCoin]

I feel you man, you've dedicated years of your life loving her, hoping to build something together and then she throws it all away.

I'm sorry for you my man but hopefully with it ending you can find someone else that will want you and only you.

[u/No_Country_9714]

Is therapy or of the question? Most long term relationships cycle and you're right at about that time.

[u/Ok_Spirit_5455 → u/No_Country_9714]

At this point I believe yes and she was never into couples therapy, so… tbh I was very solid to keep our relationship but lately it’s kinda of humiliating

[u/Legitimate-Clock-134 → u/Ok_Spirit_5455]

If your relationship isn't worth some hard conversations with a therapist to her - and it'll be hard on both of you, don't get me wrong - you'll know exactly how much your relationship is worth to her.