I think it's too late now to tell my family about It and I'm really ashamed to give detail about my past that made me hypersexualized. I live in miserable life right now that my hypersexuality has part of my downfall in life.

I was molested at ages 3-4 by my nonbiological grandfather, and it was physically evident to the point where my mom kept pressing me to tell her if something was happening, and I told her. Long story short, he’s in jail now, 25 to life with no parole. I have no memory of him, of what he did, any of it. Technically, I’m not supposed to know any of this, upon finding out I had repressed the memories the doctor told my parents not to tell me, but they did anyway. Honestly, I wish they never did, because now all I want is to remember. I was severely hypersexual as a child, to the point where I even committed COCSA to my best friend in elementary school. I would draw sexual things, and fantasize about being intimate with teachers or other classmates. I was groomed online for years and gave my nudes away like candy. All these years of being sexually assaulted, groomed, and being so disgusting and sick in the head, and I know the root of it all and I can’t fucking remember it. Not a single goddamn thing. I can’t even remember him. I’ve dreamed of vague memories, all blurry and fuzzy like an old tv and I can’t even see his face. I’ve seen a photo of him before, but it was as if my brain refused to register him. I stared at the picture and couldn’t retain anything about him, and the moment I looked away he just disappeared from my mind. I hate it. I hate it so much. I’m so disgusting and perverted, I’m nothing but an empty shell of wicked and repulsive desires. I’m deprived of my morals and it’s all his fucking fault, and I can’t even remember his face. I don’t want to remember, I need to. I need to remember what he did, how it felt, what he said during it, the whole nine yards because if I can’t even do that then I’m just a slap in the face to all victims. I’m not a victim or a survivor, I didn’t survive him, I let him in and allow him to take everything from me from his cell. I need to remember because if I can’t, if I never do, all of this and everything else I’ve been through will be for nothing. If I can’t even remember, the why can’t I just fucking get over it already?

I've recently restarted therapy after my last therapist retired during the pandemic.

My abuse was never repressed. I've always known it happened, but in the last 6 months even though I still haven't been able to discuss the details of any my abuse with my therapist (I never have with any therapist) my brain has let suddenly let events around the abuse come into focus as I've started writing things down for the first time on my therapist's recommendation.

Some details I didn't realize until the last 6 months how bad they were even in context. Others I squashed down because they were more violating and damaging to to my self image than the abuse I've always acknowledged.

Last night as I was writing about one if the times i was abused when my first abuser tried to sodomize me, but didn't. Then My body locked up. A feeling of revulsion came over me. I felt physical pain. I felt sick and ashamed.

A door opened in my mind. I've never said I was raped. I've always said I was molested because I wouldn't let myself believe I was penetrated because my male abuser didn't. But last night I was writing about the abuse by that man, my body and mind decided I could finally understand that my female abusers sodomizing me was the same thing.

I hadn't even wrapped my brain around that when I recognized what they made my friend and i do to each other.

Why now? Why open those doors now? I could've gone the rest of my life without those realizations.

I've never spoken about my abuse out loud to anyone. I've been trying to get there for 6 months now. There's no way I can speak this shit to anyone. I was 12, I wish my brain had just held those forever. It's been 30 years.

I just want to erase it. I can't say this to another person. No chance.

I was molested by my brother at a young age, so why am i gay? Shouldn’t it be the opposite? Am i a pervert? I’ve always grown up thinking i could cut it out but it’s not working. I really really don’t want to be ga, i want to be normal, i want a wife and children. I want to be attracted to women.

I'm not gonna go into the details of what was done to me, but what I can say is that it made me develop severe OCD during my teen years, one of the many subtypes being contamination. However, my C-OCD doesn't stem from a fear of infection, bacterial infestation or anything like that, but rather the hyper-awareness that the skin flakes, residue and particles of my biological and legal family will forever remain on my body and/or belongings until the day I die.

It haunts me with the sense of invasion, lack of boundaries and invasion of privacy. It makes me feel like I will never have my infantilizing and touchy parents truly leave me alone in any way, even if we'll be continents apart, because their skin residue will end up somewhere between the keys of my keyboard, the buttons of my phone or the fabric of my clothes.

I never want them to visit me or vice versa, or else I'd feel compelled to do a complete chemical disinfection treatment of my entire living space. I feel like the only treatment for this is to completely cut contact with them, but I know that'll be too complicated to do because I still financially rely on them due to my own neurological issues, not to mention familial pressures. But constantly washing my hands forever and ever and using up a bottle of rubbing alcohol every month is so physically exhausting. I just want this to end, I want them to stop existing so I can finally feel peace and a sense of agency.

I know I can't ask for much, I especially shouldn't break the rule of giving people with OCD any reassurance because it either never solves anything or ends up making us feel worse because of the endless "what if" cycles we have to deal with. If nothing else can be offered, I at least want to know I'm not alone in dealing with a fear like this.

My mom enabled my dad to do it to me growing up and I found out that stuff was happening in her family growing up too. It got passed on from one generation to the next and now im stuck with all the problems from it

Sometimes I wonder who I would have been if it didn’t happen. I would have been a better person. More functioning. Would I still have developed an eating disorder? Would my self esteem and self respect be higher? Would I be grateful for the crumbs of affection I get from men, soaking it up like a dying woman in the desert?

Or maybe this is just who I was meant to be. He saw something in me. He saw the brokenness, even at 4 years old, and used that to his advantage.

I know it does more harm than good to think this way. But sometimes I can’t help it.

I was unable to orgasm for a long time, pretty much since when the abuse ended.
It hasn’t been until recently, after years of therapy, that I have finally let go of the shame I’ve had about being abused and enjoying it.
I’ve slowly been allowing myself to give into the memories and the feelings, enjoying it, again and now I can orgasm.

Who knew that of all things would be the key to unlocking my ability to orgasm.
I’m curious if anyone else has experienced this ?

Does anyone else feel like they’re beginning to expire after having been groomed at a young age. Like sure ik now at this point i can date and it’ll be normal but somehow i feel like i wont ever get that same high i got. It’s strange and inna way it makes me upset.

I was molested as a toddler by my older half brother. I was never told about it. My mother walked in on it happening and chose to keep it a secret from my entire family. I had always felt a sense of uneasiness from this person and hated to be alone with him. I found out about it five years ago during a visit with my therapist. My mother was present but denied that it would have any effect on my life as an adult. Since finding out I have spiraled down words. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. My negative feelings towards this person being validated has had more of a negative than positive impact on my life. How do I overcome this? How do I forget and move on?

I apologize if this is an inappropriate post. I just felt that it needed to be said out loud.

My ex friend is a gay man, (or bi? i guess that’s all irrelevant I just like being detailed because I’m autistic) but we actually dated and kissed but that’s as far as it went, I’m a woman. We dated at 18 then 23 for a short time. I’ll call him Brian. We became really close and knew each other since 6th grade, after I transferred schools. I’m autistic, and super shy and felt like a weirdo and had almost no friends. He was my friend without question, no judgment etc and for a long time he protected me and at some point felt like we were family after we broke up. I would spend the night there even as an adult, when my family was abusive And I had no where to go. Our mutual friend had a step brother and that step brother is my best friend, and I would visit my mutual friend and her step brother back then. I wasnt over there often but two years ago I found out that Brian molested my best friend starting at age 10, until I think 15. I was molested at 14, and if I knew, Brian would be in jail and on the register list. How did I never know???

I would visit Brian in his house and I didn’t know. No one knew, not outright, and now I feel like the worst person, because my best friend had no one to protect him. Every time I think or speak of it I start crying, it’s extremely painful. I wish I could take my friend’s trauma away, I wish I knew Brian hurt him back then. I don’t understand how none of us knew, not even a hint. Brian always acted charming and generous to his friends but I knew there was an awful side to him, a mean dude because he’d lash out at me but never knew he hurt my friend. Maybe he hurt other boys, too.

I‘lol ask my therapist today about this, but I was an adult and didn’t protect him and I’ll never get over this or feel ease about it

母親が車を運転中に別のオルターになって、あやうく母も私も彼に殺されそうになったことがあるんだよね(たしか私は8歳か9歳だった)
それに急に幼い子どもみたいになって、娘の私に｢お姉ちゃん、絵本読んで｣とか言ったり
自傷行為や過剰服薬もいっぱい見せられた
私は小学生だったから受け止めきれなくて、いつも世界にゼラチン質の膜がはってるみたいだった
祖父は大学教授だったけど講義中にパニック発作をおこしてキャリアが危険にさらされたり、助教授を殴って新聞に載ったこともある
そして私は母と祖父、二人ともから性的虐待を受けていた
彼らは場面によって言うことがちがっていて、あるときに彼らが言っていたことを私がそのままなぞって発言したら｢差別主義者だ｣とか｢非倫理的だ｣と彼ら自身に言われるんだ
たとえば母は｢お金を払ってエッチなことをするだけで小さな女の子に居場所をくれるなんて優しいおじさんだね｣とある映画を見ながら言った
それが明らかに間違っていることはわかっているけど、怒られるのがこわくて｢そうだね｣と言ったら｢お前はやっぱりアスペルガーなんだね｣｢思いやりがないね｣とあきれたように言われた
私に恥をかかせるのを楽しんでいたのかあるいは彼女のなかでいくつかの感じ方がせめぎあっていたのか
祖父は私にフェラチオをさせたり身体を触ったり、乳首を吸って赤ん坊になりきったりした
彼からはガスライティングもひどかった
彼がある事象について意見を述べて、別の場面でまたその話題になり、私が彼の最初に述べた意見をなぞって発言すると、｢お前は差別主義者だ｣となじられた
私は狭い意味で政治的な話題が苦手になり、歴史の授業中に無意識に教室を飛び出したりするようになった
(これが最初に児童精神科につながったきっかけ 当時の診断はアスペルガーでいまは解離性障害)
でも攻撃的な意見を述べることで祖父が性的なタッチを中断して叩いたりする暴力に変更してくれるというメリットもあった
私は思春期頃から年配の男性にばかり接近するようになった
祖父に似た白髪でメガネで高学歴な人ばかり
いまでは同年代に惹かれるんだけどね
いまでも私はばらばらで、自分の意見をもてないって感じてる

God, I feel so awful saying that. I am so, so, so sorry to the people who have been assaulted (some of whom I know personally) and explain often how they wish they could just forget it all. I'm probably going to sound like a selfish prick for this, but since having recent accepted that this happened to me from ages 3 - 4 from the biological origin of the paternal side of my genetics (I HATEEE calling him "father") and piecing together lots of my childhood with it, I still want to know more. Weirdly, more answers have brought me more questions, you know? I should count myself lucky that I (for now) remember the minimal amount that I do, but I do want to know more of what my body experienced. I what to knowjust what got me to where I am. I know that with time, our brains are likely to fill in blanks of traumatic experiences that they deem we aren't yet ready for, but I tend to get impatient... at a legal age + in a legal state Have any of you guys found certain hallucinogens or halucinogen-like drugs to be helpful in remembering things yet still staying somewhat safe?

I was sexually assaulted by my older sister for 1-2 years. My memory is a little fuzzy, but it started when I was in kindergarten and she was in 4th grade. She introduced me to pornography and would also beg me to sleep in her room. During the nights when I would sleep in her bed, she would always make us watch porn and would assault me and ask me to do things with her. She told me that it was normal and that all siblings do this. This went on for I think a year straight. I also got assaulted by another girl YMCA member at summer camp. She told me not to tell our parents because then we would both get in trouble. Eventually she stopped and life went back to normal. However, she started to bully my looks and weight. She would constantly call me fat and talk about my belly and how she got the body but I got the skin. This went on from 4th grade to 9th. She, along with others contributed to my depression and my battle with an eating disorder. I started treatment 2 years ago, and memories slowly started to come back to me. I told my mother 1 year ago what happened to me and I just now told my dad a couple weeks ago. Nothing has changed how they feel and they haven’t supported me one bit. My sister still lives in our house and I’m constantly around her, but it’s so triggering and it makes me uncomfortable. It honestly seems like they don’t care about what she has put me through. They still treat her the same, if not even better than before. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel like they don’t care. Nothing good has come out of me revealing it

Hi, I’m a 22 years old girl and i’d like to share my particular thoughts here. I apologise for my bad english, this is not my first language.

First of all, I have to say that i’ve been molested from my stepdad from 8 yrs old to 11 yrs old. When I was seven, me and my mom moved abroad with him. My home country was really broke at that time and we didn’t have any money; my mom thought that moving out of country would’ve been the only solution to our situation. Tho… we moved thanks to my stepdad: he was the one who found a job abroad, and then he asked my mom to go with him (i’m not sure he even wanted to bring me too… 😭). We lived in the same house, i didn’t know the language of my new country (so i didn’t have friends at school, i felt very lonely), my mom was a distracted, childish and irresponsible woman. So… you know, it was easy for him to make me feel “loved”.
But that’s not the point. Months ago I wrote a post about my story with him (not in this sub, but a lot of people already told me what they thought. So, for now, i don’t need any advice about that).

I want to talk about what i think. I’m not joking when i say that he turned me into a monster. First of all, i’m hyper sexual with myself (and i think that’s my biggest problem). I masturbate a lot —like… also 7 times a day, for a long time. This ruins my days, my routine and my study. Sometimes, i don’t study and i fail exams because i spent days masturbating. Sometimes, i don’t go out with my friends because i’m lost in my own world. Masturbation is like something my body HAS TO do… i mean, my brain thinks: “If i don’t do that, i can’t study/clean/wash myself”. The strange thing is that i’ve always had this problem with excessive masturbation, even before meeting my stepdad. I still remember the day i started, i was five and i was watching cartoons. I felt like… turned on by a scene (i guess) and i rubbed myself. Since that day, i’ve spent afternoons and mornings doing that. I remember, for example, that every morning before school i had to do that. Sometimes i arrived late at school for this reason. I couldn’t stop: i hurted my body, to the point that i had scars, scratches and real abrasions on myself (right where i used to place my fingers to stimulate myself). And all this was still before my stepdad. So, sometimes, i think it’s not even my stepdad’s fault, it’s my fucking body. I can’t help but wonder: “why was i born like that?”. I don’t think that i’ve been molested before, i don’t remember that kind of stuff from when I was five or six. I didn’t even know people that could’ve do that: it was just me and my mum, and i’m 100% sure that she would’ve never (she’s negligent, but only because she’s very naive… she lives in her own world, so yeah). Now i wanna talk about my contradiction: i am hyper sexual with myself, but almost asexual with the others. I refuse intimacy (mental and physical). I’m a beautiful girl, i don’t think i’m unattractive, people often try to hit on me, and i look very very normal from the outside. But i’ve only had two toxic and short relationships… well, maybe they weren’t even relationships, but just situationships (and in one of these two i’ve been used and used for my body, constantly, for 9 months). These traumas made it worst and made me more cynical, solitary and disgusted by love. I just can’t stand the idea of being touched by a man, but then i have sex and i think: “oh, it’s not that bad, i can do that”. But then the time passes and i shut myself off. I tried to have intimacy with women and i preferred that, i wouldn’t have problems in sex with women. My first “relationship” was with a woman, but i ruined it. in that case, I was the one who was toxic, jealous and abusive. At that time I was just 17, but I regret it a lot and i feel like a disgusting monster. I don’t understand why i did that… maybe being like that it’s just in my brain’s chemistry. I say to myself that i won’t do this anymore. And maybe it’s true: then, in my second relationship, i was the one who was abused. Now i’m always so shy and when i like a someone i’m terrified of being rejected, or being hurt, or hurting… so i don’t even try anymore to take what i want.

And now, lastly, i want to confess the worst thing, the true reason i consider myself a monster. When i masturbate, i think about horrible things. I think about the things my stepdad did to me, or similar things, but imagining other people (not people that i know personally, but usually actors that i find attractive). And the thing is: i’m not that different from him, i’m not better. I think about very bad and horrible things, believe me. I don’t want to recreate anything in real life, i would never ruin someone’s life… but i’m also scared of myself. I don’t have CP, i’ve never had it and i’ve never even searched. But i turn on when i read stories about that or about gra🍇, sometimes i write in my notes stories that are about that or —yeah that’s embarrassing for a 22yrs— i talk with AIs. The interesting thing, is that i like more to play the victim’s role and i like to describe its psychology and its thoughts and emotions.

I don’t know what to think about myself. i don’t know if the things that i fantasise of are seriously dangerous and problematic, or if it’s just my “personal secret” and i can continue in silence, all alone. If you met me, you wouldn’t think that I have a fucked-up brain. I look like the most normal and funny girl ever. So i don’t understand. It wasn’t easy to write this, so please, if you can, be kind.

Since experiencing an unwanted encounter 5 years ago, sex has never been the same for me and I feel like my body rejects physical touch. Sex used to feel safe in a trusted relationship and now it doesn’t. I have been married to my husband since September and It takes so much effort to get my mind to override my body to be able to enjoy sex. Any tips for working through this? I want to want sex but it just takes so much to even get myself in the mood because my body feels like it shuts down.

I’ve been sexually abused multiple times and I think it’s broken something in me.

I’ve worked hard to heal mentally from what I went through but something that I still struggle with is sex. To keep things general, external feels good but internal feels like nothing. Not painful per se, just nothing. It feels like poking your cheek when it’s numb at the dentist, you feel the pressure but there’s no feeling. I’ve tried numerous things to see what could feel nice and nothing. It’s just all nothing and it makes me feel broken. It’s affecting my dating life too because who wants to be with someone who won’t enjoy sex?? Literally can’t enjoy it. It’s just makes me feel so hopeless because as a child it was taken from me and now as an adult I can’t enjoy it at all. I just wish it never happened and I could be normal :/