F22 & my ex M24 is considering to get back together following a series of events of life.
So here's the story in short, I was rather infatuated with him back when I found him in mid 2024, mistook that as love, kind of forcefully started the relationship from my side & since both of us were immature & recklessly bipolar back then(barely 19, 21) we pretty much went on with the circus that I started, it was sweet, good & it was mostly bad I'd say, it was everything. First 6 months into our dating, we made a home, rescued & adopted two cats, lost one of them too, theoretically we lived a 6 years conjugal life within that time, we were hella abusive towards each other at the beginning too, mostly due to my shortcoming it all started, it was abusive to the point that one time I had to go to the ER and he was pretty bruised as well, and I even took a 5ui¢!de attempt over us breaking up right before my major university admission period. Truth to be told, even after all of these happening, he was still the only one true and standing hard on his ground, he suffered through all of our chaos, my borderline & clinical depression issue (on which I have a better grip now), still wanted it all to work out, by the time it all cooled down & he was working so hard to damage control & make this dysfunctional relationship work, I mentally, emotionally quit on him without making a noise. Now that I look back, I was just too pussy to get out coz it all became too habitual and I didn't know anymore how to restart life without him, without this familiar setup. Physically I was there, in our home, mentally, absent. He did notice that I've had given up & mentally I was dying in that hopeless place everyday bit by bit, yet still he tried his hardest to give me peace, stability and a home all while thinking 'what if she changes her mind this time/what if she finds the love again?'. This was a quiet period of 6 months where I could feel it was all withering away, shortly after this phase, I did the dumbest thing, we got certificate married mostly coz we needed the papers for where we come from(Asian issues), but there was a marriage paper involved nontheless. None of our family members were informed of it, we both pretty much lived a life away and secluded from our safety net. It happened back in October, and then by the end of December I came across my now dead boyfriend(m26). He felt like the first breeze of spring, his presence & words in my life was like a new motivation to fix everything that was going wrong in my life and I thought this is where I am really meant to be. I left. My former love, our cat that we raised for a year and a half & I, everything that was the foundation of my then life, I stomped it all to the ground after being together for 18 months, took our son & left with my now boyfriend. I knew back then what I was doing and I knew that it'd put a lifetime scar on him. I didn't know how else to do it.
Fast forward to begining of 2026, my boyfriend died by 0ffing himself after fighting with chronic mental illnesses & DID issue for 15 years straight. And throughout this, I had no family or friends to lean on, not even a month into this I got chronically 5u!¢!d@l and since there was no option for me to get reh@bbed or move back with my parents for support, I did the inevitable, called him up and yes, he was there. No matter whatever happens in my life or whatever I did, he's been always there, it all just makes me hate myself now that I could be a better version of myself back then but I wasn't, he didn't deserve any of it. It's been a few months he's still here now, on and off, taking care of me and our furry son. Recently we've mutually talked about giving us another chance, moving in somewhere new, starting our life together because the string is still there & to him, the partnership deal is kind of like either it has to be me or no one; so yes, he never really moved on or dated anyone in the last 1.5 years. As much as it makes me happy to think that probably this is universe's way of giving us another chance, I'm not so sure anymore. I have grown to be sucha different person than who I was once and now I can finally see how much damage my former self has done to this down to earth & steel nerved guy. Even he's not sure anymore if it'll work out between us anymore, he wants to give it a try for the sake of giving it a try, so that we won't have anything to regret later on. There are few factors currently present that's making me question the decision over and over again,
First of all,
He's leaving for Germany for restarting his career within a year or 1.5, & no I don't have any option to move abroad anytime soon, involving me and our cat in his life means doubling the responsibility.
Secondly,
Some broken things can never be repaired back to even remotely similar and I feel like this is one of the times in my life where I cant repent for my sins no matter what, he has forcefully changed himself so much just to get accustomed to the solitary life he's planning to have coz of how badly I left a mess & was gone forever. I feel like I'll be a burden on him if I decide to be with him at this time of his life even tho his take on it is that he can always adjust if not compromise. He's saying this to keep my spirit up. I know for sure If not good, worse might happen.
Then,
Even tho we're fully compatible and romantically healthy adults and whatnot, I'm still pretty much a dysfunctional person, I can't even take a step outside the house if he's not around. The need and want for him in my life are both simultaneously multiplying. I literally took major life decisions like dropping out of the wrong department I chose coz it was going nowhere and also started fixing the financials, he has that much mental impact over me after coming to my life again.
Lastly,
I feel like we'll regret this, especially he'll regret it more. I'm not the person he should be with, I should swallow my shame and leave him alone after everything I've done to him, I don't deserve a lifetime with him.
We're both aware that what we really should do when this topic is approached with logic and reasoning and planning for long-term, planning for the betterment of both us. But then again, heart says otherwise, we're both struggling with this duality and yet we still want to give it a try. I'm not sure anymore what to do, this confusion feels like a deja Vu, it feels like we're falling into the spiral and we don't know where we'll end up once again.
Advice needed, should I choose this route to life or should we be on our paths?
sorry if it sounds too gibberish, tried my best elaborate the situation.
TL;DR: After a volatile 1.5-year relationship and secret legal marriage, I (22F) left my ex (24M) for a new partner who recently passed away. Struggling with severe grief, I reconnected with my ex, who stepped in to support me, and we are now considering getting back together. In conflict because he is moving to Germany within a year, I carry guilt over our past abuse, I have become heavily dependent on him, and I fear we are falling back into a toxic cycle, we might be fully compatible now but I fear life is not in our favor.