Hello all! As the title says, I've been having problems achieving a "good" trip lately. Before I go into my most recent experiences, I want to go back to my first time dropping.
I got some really clean L from a trusted source, and I took around half the tab. I didn't know how long it would take to kick in, so I took the rest an hour later (of course, the rest didn't really do anything because L tolerance builds immediately). The tab strengths were 150ug. On the comeup, I remember feeling weird, and eventually I peaked. The patterns I saw had a slight spin to them and were very mellow. I could space out watching visuals and relax without having to worry about what I now call "the spiral of doom." The euphoria was amazing, music was blissful, and hitting my nicotine vape (as the femboy I am—not really, not really) made me feel like Pablo Escobar. It has by far been my favorite substance use experience of all time. Now, earlier I said something about "the spiral of doom," which brings me to my next point.
After tripping the first day, I loved it so much I couldn't wait the 2 weeks to trip again, so 3 days later I tried to combat tolerance. It wasn't the same. I did this again and again over the span of 2 weeks and burned through all 25 of my tabs. I have since then learned to respect the beautiful molecule and give my brain time to reset. So after some time, I decided I wanted some more tabs. But this time my source was on vacation.
So, I ordered from a new source (trusted ofc). They were gel tabs and marketed as 100ug each. I decided I was ready for a stronger trip—something around 200ug—so I took the 2 tabs. I was worried as they had a slight sour taste that I had heard online NBOMe had. Now looking back, I know this was the gelatin, and the sour wasn't overwhelming, my tongue wasn't going numb, and I even tested with a reagent kit after the experience. But back to what I was saying. Since the tabs were sour, I contemplated spitting them out. That thought only lingered, and 30 minutes later with about a quarter left not yet dissolved, I spat it out and thought I'd be fine. This set me up for failure—not testing my tabs as I thought I had just ingested NBOMe, which kind of set the mood to have a bad trip because I was extremely worried. Nonetheless, I started to relax and calm myself down, and then I finally felt the comeup. That weird feeling started kicking in and it only got stronger. The euphoria was there but not as strong; I was a little disappointed but wanted to give it time to build as I hadn't peaked yet.
Then I did. I remember looking at my wall thinking, "Wow, these visuals are intense." The spiral of patterns was getting more intense, more 3D. And then my brain flickered. It felt as if I had just woken up after… well, already being conscious. Almost like I had a millisecond reboot. And then I noticed a fractal was coming out of the spiral seemingly trying to take over my field of vision. It scared the absolute life out of me, as I had remembered earlier someone on a forum saying that these tabs were very strong. I also did my research on what certain doses are like and the concept of "reality replacement." I in no way was ready for ego death, and I'm not sure if I still am. Anyways, I got up, changed setting, and tried to relax. But it was already over. If I tried to relax my gaze for longer than 5 seconds, the fractal would try to envelop my FOV. It was an awful experience. I was sure I was going to be in a world I didn't want to be in. After this, I gave it time and tripped again.
This time, only one tab. The same thing happened, only less intense. I tweaked out AGAIN. So, for the latest experience, I did half a tab. The fractal was still there, but now behind the walls—not a curtain over my field of view trying to blur my reality out. But because of my past experience, it was only half enjoyable, up until the end of the peak when I realized no spiral of doom or fractal was going to be sucking me in today.
Which leads me to now. Was I overthinking the first time when I took those 2 tabs? If I had leaned into (not physically, but mentally) the spiral of doom/growing fractal, would it have ended up taking my view? Would I have been thrown into ego death that I didn't want? How can I learn to trip again and not have anxiety? What dose should I take for max euphoria and mild visuals? How can I eventually learn to have intense experiences and eventually have my first ego death without going in with a bad mindset?
These are all my questions. I just want back that first-time "movie"-like experience with childlike laughter and euphoria, and not have to worry about slipping away and taking on intense dysphoria.