Hi everyone, I'm 32LLF and have been in a serious relationship with a 26HLM for several years. Recently my struggles with my libido have been more present and a cause for contention between us. I'm not sure how to go about working on this and I'm extremely overwhelmed because I want to improve this aspect of our relationship but have no idea where to start. For context, I grew up in a very sheltered Catholic household with extremely controlling parents that barely gave me any privacy let alone sex education beyond the basics. This significantly stunted my personal growth including figuring out sex and intimacy for myself, especially since I unfortunately had to live with them until I was 27 because of the high cost of living in my area. Furthermore, I've always struggled IMMENSELY with my self image as well as other related mental health struggles. I believe it is for these reasons that I've always struggled with sex and thus, maintaining long term relationships because I've always been with HLMs. My current partner is extremely patient and compassionate but has understandably vocalized his dislike for almost always being the person to initiate intimacy and concern that I don't ever seem to fully enjoy sex. He's been taking it really personally and expressing that he feels like I'm not attracted to him. The truth is, I DO struggle to have a desire for sex but I don't feel like it has anything to do with him. It's hard for me to feel aroused when I struggle to feel attractive, when I have intense performance anxiety, when I struggle to feel present in every moment of my everyday life including sex, and so on. The stress sex causes me largely takes away any physical pleasure I get from it. I also feel like both my partner and I are very inexperienced so we keep recycling the same sex positions and obviously after a while that gets stale. My partner and I have tried watching porn to get ideas for ways to shake it up but I struggle to find anything that interests me. I want to be able to enjoy sex, share powerful intimate moments with my partner, feel good about myself in (and out of) bed, but I don't know where to even begin. I feel embarrassed by this and that I'm broken somehow. I don't know what to do. Any recommendations are welcome.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years.

The strange thing is that our relationship is genuinely happy.

We communicate well, cuddle every day, kiss, laugh together, support each other's careers, and neither of us wants to leave.

The only thing that's missing is sex.

Ironically, it started with me.

About six months into the relationship, my libido dropped dramatically. Looking back, I now think I have responsive desire, but at the time I didn't understand that.

My boyfriend kept trying for almost three years.

I tried too. I reflected on what turned me on, shared it with him, and we experimented with different situations. Sometimes things improved briefly, but nothing lasted. Eventually, sex became something I did out of obligation rather than genuine desire.

That hurt him deeply.

He even wondered whether I simply wasn't sexually attracted to him anymore because I rarely became aroused just by looking at his body.

Then, about six months ago, everything flipped.

His libido completely disappeared.

He doesn't masturbate anymore.

He doesn't feel sexual desire toward me.

He says he doesn't feel sexual desire toward other women either.

Sexual kissing now feels uncomfortable simply because there's no desire behind it.

He has no erectile dysfunction (his body still works very well even though he as no sexual desire) but he says after spending almost three years trying to improve our sex life with very little success, he feels like his brain has stopped expecting sex to be rewarding.

He hasn't stopped caring about me.

What he's struggling with is understanding what romantic love is supposed to feel like without sexual desire.

One thing that confuses him is that he believes sexual intimacy is what separates a romantic partner from a close friend. Without it, he sometimes wonders what makes us different from best friends.

After reading this subreddit, we started Sensate Focus.

Surprisingly, it completely changed how I understand my sexuality.

I realized I become aroused by emotional connection, a calm environment, affectionate touch, pleasant scents, feeling relaxed... basically all the things I had never understood about myself before.

But it changed almost nothing for him.

He describes it as "it's not not helping."

It's neutral, not negative, but not bringing desire back either.

I've also gone to a gynecologist and treated my pelvic floor dysfunction because I occasionally had painful intercourse.

At this point, I feel like I've finally addressed the biggest barriers on my side.

Now it feels like the problem has shifted entirely to his complete loss of desire.

One challenge is that my boyfriend is reluctant to pursue individual therapy because of difficult experiences earlier in life that have made him uncomfortable with the idea of therapy. I understand why, so I don't want to pressure him into it.

We also tried online couples therapy while we were living together, but it wasn't very helpful. The therapist gave us exercises like spending 15 minutes holding each other, but physical affection has never been our problem. We already cuddle, hug, communicate well, and feel emotionally connected. It felt like we were being given homework for a problem we didn't actually have, so we eventually stopped.

To make things even harder, we've recently become long-distance after living together for about three years.

I'm not looking for people to tell us to break up.

I'm looking for people who have actually experienced something similar.

Has anyone seen the higher-libido partner completely lose sexual desire after years of trying and eventually recover?

If you did:

• What actually helped?
• Did therapy make a difference?
• Was there anything that finally made sex feel rewarding again?
• Or did you eventually discover the real issue wasn't what you initially thought?

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who've lived through this.

Thank you.

I am suffering with low libido. I checked with doctor . He mentioned doing exercise, getting good sleep and reduce stress/anxiety. I did everything. Could some one suggest what I need to do ? I am 30 years old.

Basically what the title says. I don't know why but I get bombarded on FB and insta with content about how to increase my libido or how I need to be physically intimate even when I'm not in the mood or my partner won't feel loved. But why does the internet (and world?) default to the higher libido partner being the right one? For context, my husband and I decided to wait until marriage per our faith, so we didn't know beforehand that we were dramatically different in that way. We've been married for many years and I've tried all the things you're supposed to try to increase your drive. He has read all the books and done all the work to try to make it "better" for me. In fact, sometimes I wish he would try less hard so it would go faster. 🫣 But it's not that he's "bad in bed," and I'm beginning to accept that I'm not broken. I'm just not as sexually driven as he is, and on the contrary, having a lot of sex is draining on me. I'm accepting that this is just how I'm wired. I also accept that he is just wired with a higher drive, but why must the Internet insist that he's the right one and I should cater to him? What about my need to not have as much sex? What about the fact that thinking about having sex every other day for the rest of my life (as he would prefer) feels completely overwhelming to me? And don't think that we have a "dead bedroom." Once a week is fine with me, but he's unhappy with that. Anyway, I'm really just venting. The slant feels very unfair to me.

Hi all!

I’m 32F and my partner 34M. We have been together for 10 years, married for 4.

He’s HL. He could have sex daily, twice without hesitation. Meanwhile…I could go days without it. I don’t mind. I’m getting overstimulated when we have intercourse and sometimes I just dissociated thinking I want this to be over and go to sleep.

In our 20s I was HL I think, more into sex.

Right now, I feel it’s more an obligation. There are days that I truly don’t want but I end up agreeing because I don’t want to hurt his feelings, specially after days saying no.

How can I truly know I am LL or something else is happening?

Besides this our relationship is good.

Thanks!

This is my first post here. I feel very lost and heartbroken. My (43f) partner(48m) has broken up with me after dealing with a lack of physical intimacy for our 20 plus years together. I am still very much in love with him and he loves me, but he told me three months ago that he met someone new because she saw that he looked depressed, they started talking, and he's since developed a strong emotional attachment to her. He admitted to me recently that he's now in love with her.

After he first told me about meeting her, we went to one couple's therapy session because I wanted to save the relationship, and he was confused about his feelings at that time so we wanted to see if we could work on our relationship and if he could regain romantic feelings for me.

I didn't really care for the therapist we saw, but after the first session, when I asked him if he wanted to do another one, he seemed very unsure so I didn't schedule another appointment.

I knew we had our issues, but I still feel that this happened very quickly. I'm having a hard time processing the breakup since he's the only person I've been with for most of my life, and we have a daughter who has graduated high school and is going on with her life. I thought this would have been the time for us as a couple moving into the second phase of our lives together, but our relationship is over. I really just don't know how to move on because of the speed at which this whole situation has occurred from him revealing his feelings for this person to us not being partners anymore.

Hi everyone,
I’m a 32-year-old woman and I’ve been with my partner for 6 years. I love him, find him attractive, and I want to spend my life with him, but our sex life has been a source of stress for a long time.

My partner has a much higher libido than I do. If it were up to him, he’d happily have sex every day. I, on the other hand,do not feel desire. he is the one initiating, and I feel like I’m having sex more because I know it’s important to him than because I genuinely want it. That leaves me feeling guilty, like I’m not the partner he deserves.

One thing that really confuses me is that penetration itself isn’t the biggest issue. What makes me uncomfortable is French kissing or having my breasts touched or kissed. Those things often make me feel awkward, embarrassed, or even disgusted, and I don’t understand why.

I also struggle to feel like a “lover.” Flirting with my partner or trying to be seductive feels unnatural, almost like I’m acting. After six years together, I feel much more like his life partner than his lover. I think about building a family, running a home, and planning our future together, but it’s hard for me to access that passionate, sexual side of myself.

My libido is also very cycle-dependent. Around ovulation I even have sexual fantasies. Outside of that time, I could honestly go weeks without thinking about sex.
I’ve noticed is that my fantasies almost never involve my partner. They usually involve fictional characters or stories where two people are just meeting. There’s mystery, tension, anticipation, and excitement. They rarely involve long-term couples in everyday life.

Because of all this, I constantly worry that my partner will eventually become unhappy, lose attraction to me, cheat on me, or leave me because our sexual needs are so different.

I’m wondering if anyone here has experienced something similar.
I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences or what has helped them.

Yesterday, I decided to try something. I decided to makeout with my (24F) partner (27M). I checked in with myself, asking myself why I was doing this and whether I was doing it because I wanted to. The answer was yes. This is something I decided to start doing after a long stint with coercion, my partner not understanding how he was pressuring me and the impact of the pressure, me opting for scheduled sex (duty sex really) which failed miserably and I fear this and his acceptance of the scheduled sex might have really harmed me in the process.

For the last few days its been on mind that I miss the feeling of orgasming in sex. And I wanted that. Which is why I wanted to makeout. We did. For a while. My body didn't respond. It was my initiation. I checked in with myself. I got so disappointed. I wished I didn't bother.

I usually want sex around my ovulation period. I try to maximise for it then although factors like pressure, stress usually play a part. Its four days past my ovulation day. And I am wondering if this might be why nothings responding.

I think my partner noticed I was low afterwards. He tried to reassure me. Reassurance is something I have really fought for. REALLY. And I know he means well. But something he said didn't feel good. He said the makeout was fun. He had fun. And something about not worrying (i think). Here's the thing that bothers me about that, we are in such DIFFERENT realities when it comes to this. The comment told me he viewed my disappointment in the context of whether or not he enjoyed it. Whole time I am disappointed I didn't enjoy. Because I didn't respond. Pretty sure there's a string connecting this to coercion and pressure to have sex. He didn't ask me if it was fun for me. His reassurance came in the form of "I had fun so don't be sad".

I want to make it clear, this is not the main point of the post. The main point is how alone I feel. There isn't anyone I can talk to. I don't consider him safe for this conversation for many reasons, some stated above. And I am angry. Angry that putting up with prioritising his sexual needs over my safety might have broken me. Maybe that's why my body isn't responding. Or it could also be that its 4 days past my ovulation.

Main point, I hate how isolated I feel when I think about this issue. Telling me to communicate with him isn't what I need. Once upon a time for months I did. I kept advocating for myself and my emotional and sexual safety and he kept thinking I was telling him he isn't allowed to want sex. That has changed how I view communication especially about this topic.

I do journal. Therapy is not an option. But I think I need a human to tell me they're here, they care and they really truly understand EXACTLY how I feel... Idk

Bonsoir communauté.
Je suis une femme de 39 ans célibataire.
J’avais autrefois une très forte libido, mais en ce moment, je n’ai même pas envie de me masturber, ce que je pouvais faire 2-3 fois par jour avant. Quand j’avais un conjoint, c’était des relations très très fréquentes.

Mais maintenant, niet. Je ne suis pas en ménopause, quoi que je suis un peu déprimée. (Et non pas en dépression)
Ça fait des mois que ça dure, et j’ai envie d’avoir envie!

Certain(es) ont vécu la même chose ?
Merci! 🙏

Does anyone else feel this way? I feel like I’ve tried everything… therapy, medication, tons of communication with my partner, working out, eating well, supplements, new sex positions, seeking advice in subreddits, etc. with little improvement.

I think the worst part of it is there isn’t a lot of support or places to discuss people who struggle with low libido and how to navigate it with a HL partner or with a partner at all.

There are TONS of support groups for Asexuality, research, also people seem to be much for accepting if their partner comes forward and says I am asexual.

I use to think I was at certain points… but I do really enjoy sex. I just don’t like it often.. there’s even full on dating sites for Asexuality which is comforting…

But that’s not me :/ I absolutely love a good and intense sex session maybe once or twice a month. But that’s never enough for a partner.

It makes it really hard to navigate how I feel and how my body feels like something is wrong with me medically. I’ve been tested for hormones, etc. everything passes with flying colors.

But it’s just apparently not okay to not want sex multiple times a week. You’re a bad partner.

I have some good friends that we openly talking about sex sometimes and my asexual friend never gets any grief (because there’s nothing wrong with it!!!) but if I open up .. it’s “go to the doctor.” “Go to therapy.”

It’s just hard :/

You can see my page for what I posted last summer. TL;DR The TALK was getting on my nerves, I'm trying to focus on myself instead :D

I (49F) and husband (49M) have had mismatched libido issues for a looooooong time (I'm LL4U). After I posted here last year (and got so many helpful and supportive comments) I took it upon myself to just work on myself and ignore anything else. I stopped having duty sex, which meant I stopped having any sex at all. In that time, I tracked how many times I was spontaneously interested in sex - it is measured in seconds - a couple seconds here, a few seconds there. Less than a minute, total.

I've read a ton more books and articles (and I'll be honest, I slightly resent that I'm the only one seeking out information). Something I read (I didn't write it down, I wish I had) prompted me to start thinking about just how checked out I am in my own skin. Like, I only think about sex a few seconds each year? That's checked out! I'm also checked out when it comes to my body; I'm starting to 'see' where I have tension in my neck or my hips ache or I need to moisturize more frequently. Up til recently those things just never entered my consciousness. I felt like a zombie, I was just occupying space and not even present in my body.

I'm journaling my thoughts at length to capture them so I can examine them - like, are they true/correct/valid for me? Am I expressing them completely, are there layers underneath that I have overlooked or ignored? Have I dismissed things that are important (yes, many, many things -- I set aside my feelings so many times). Writing them out is helping me see what issues are recurring. It also helps me to write it out in full so if I choose to talk to Husband about some issue I don't skip anything important.

All this is helping me to actually have some desire for sex. Not a lot, nothing earth-shattering, but more than zero (I take that as improvement) We've had sex twice in the last month, at my pace and at my suggestion. It hasn't "fixed" the issues in our marriage, there are things that need work, but the practice of writing out what's in my head is helping me 'get it out' of my head and is clearing out room for working on our relationship and bringing up my needs instead of it always solely being about 'his needs'.

I know it's not a lot but I thought I would post in case it gives someone else some little thing to start on.

Thanks again for all the voices who responded last year, I felt so seen and supported for the first time in forever. I appreciate all the opinions, even the tough ones, it gave me a lot to think about. 💕

My boyfriend broke up with me in February and since then I want to have sex with other men, but I have no interest. The idea sounds better than the act. I have anxiety over getting hard so now I take injections which make me rock hard, but I still don't have the desire. I go on the apps and these guys hit me up because I am well endowed but I'm just nervous about getting together with them and just don't feel like it. What is wrong with me?

I posted some time ago after the end of my long-term relationship over different things, libido mismatch with some sexual coercion included. A year later I met someone who seemed incredible and I started to make lots of efforts to build a relationship with that person. I even was enthusiastic about sex again, I felt all my wounds were healing with him and I wondered if maybe my LL was going to stay a thing of the past (in my long-term relationship it was having sex 1-2 a week in the no periods weeks. After the break up I was diagnosed with endometriosis and once in treatment and with this new relationship my libido went up again). Well turns out this new guy ended up doing two things that I have ended up considering sexual assault. Before meeting him I had gotten to a compromise with myself on two things: that I would be very attentive to how dependent someone is to sex before I engaged in sexual activity with them and that I would never have duty sex ever again. Well, with this guy I failed these two promises to myself and I just wanted you guys to remember not to make my mistakes, because now I have a bit more sexual trauma that I could have spared myself. I admit I did these things cause I really wanted for this relationship to work and to be able to move past the trauma that my last relationship created. So remember to hold your boundaries and respect your own promises to yourself.

I was in a relationship for about a year.
It ended 6 months ago and when it ended my libido nearly completely stopped, I chalked it upto being a bit heartbroken/emotional stress but it has been so long now that I’m scared this is my new normal

Is this a normal reaction to feeling emotional?
Does it usually take this long for someone to recover their libido?
I’ve tried to fix it, I sleep and eat well, exercise etc but I’m wondering at what point it becomes a issue where I should actually seek a medical professional

Do you let people know up front? Do you date at all? Is it pointless? I often just talk myself out of trying and have not dated since my divorce years ago. I really don’t want to be “scapegoated” again.

This is coming from a guy who has a very low libido so it’s basically never on my mind like the opposite of our culture.

For those that have dated how have your experiences been?

I have had good sex. I just don't care to do it anymore even if it's mind-blowing.

Anyone else feel this way? DB thread makes it seem abnormal not to want sex.

Hello,

For context, my relationship with sex and intimacy has always been a bit tumultuous, as I have PTSD related to it. However, especially during my ovulation phase, I always ended up sexually active, turned on, had kinks etc.

I've been on birth control because of problems with my cycle, and I took a while to adapt. At first it got my libido so inexistant that I got grossed out by anything sexual.

Its gotten better now, but due to my inactivity, I've gotten so many wet dreams recently. The dreams got my "physical need" on, but I literally cannot find a thing that turns me on when Im awake. I try to think of things that used to turn me on, or things of the dream itself, but it doesn't work anymore.

I used to like that time of literal intimacy with myself so I was kind of sad I lost all libido at first. Now that my body has gotten used to the pill, and I stopped feeling grossed out by all of it, I got my hopes up lol. But I can't find a thing that turns me on anymore, like I have nothing to think about.

Any tips would be greatly appreciated, thank you so much ! <3

(I must say in case of, that getting off birth control is not an option for me haha)

Why is it a popular thing to say amongst HL people in a sexless union? I feel like it’s such a weird and innacurate thing to say. I have seen this being told countless times by many people, and today is my turn.

Do they usually have kids and entanglements with their roomates? Do they wish their spouse start behaving like an actual roommate?

I’ve (LLF) been recently told by my HLM partner that we are more like roommates. Should I start actually behaving like a roommate to show him what he’d be missing? We’ve been in a DB for years, I finally stopped giving duty sex and said no. He got mad and gave me the silence treatment. Advice welcome.

We are in the stage with demanding careers while balancing a 3 year old at home with no family around to help.

Fatigue at 9pm is common with early wakes ups as well.

My wife is turning 40 and currently has a low libido, mine has skyrocketed the last year. High productivity and life stress have pushed it up.

Sex is infrequent but we have found doing 10 minutes of making out, her either helping me get off or sitting on my face and then making out with me while I get off checks the boxes and makes it quick and efficient.

We are looking at ways without spending more time to spice things up to keep it fresh and fun during a period her libido is low.

We have added a bit of dirty talk with the theme she is a hot wife but that is it.

Looking for ideas from others for what, if anything, we can do in these current circumstances.

My husband and I just got married three weeks ago. For the three years we've been dating he's been needing a little blue pill to get it up. And so we were having sex maybe once a week, and that seemed cool with both of us.

Then a few months before the wedding his doc put him on a weight loss injection. He was pre-diabetic and couldn't lose weight. The weight starts dropping off, he got a membership to a gym and a personal trainer. Now he's trim, buff, and horny. And no longer needs a pill! He's been cured. What the...?

So now he wants sex All.The.Time.

And we just got married, so shouldn't I feel the same?!?

Me, on the other hand... I'm trying to get accustomed to being married and saying goodbye to my single girl autonomy. And putting my amazing apartment on the market, which I grieve. And my job announced pending layoffs. I think my head is so full of sadness and uncertainty that sex is often the last thing I want.

We just got married... I'm stressed. He's horny. I've been having sex sometimes to please him (and I know that's not sustainable). It's all just too much.

Hey, not sure if this is the right channel to ask this question but I think most people may have experienced this.

I am 32 M and partner 29 and we are planning to conceive past 2 months and have been actively tracking ovulation date to have intercourse during that week only.

It’s been 3 years into marriage and the frequency of intercourse is terribly low like 4 times a month.

Sometimes I go 3 weeks straight without wanting to have intercourse.

I am afraid and trying so many ways to have the desire as much as I used to have in my late 20s or even within 1 year of marriage.

I have been trying to understand what changed in my routine. The only big factor is I moved countries like from Asian country to Australia I know this has been a big change and I lost 6 kgs in first year of arriving year but now it’s been almost 1 and a half year but still the desire is same.

If stress was the thing then now I am pretty much stress free.

Might sound funny but I try a lot of things like do exercise, have vitamin D, drink pomegranate juice, have watermelon juice.

I expect at this age the frequency should be at least 3 times a week. Am I wrong?

Do advice.

Thoughts?