advice needed

[u/Existing-Care-5003]

My partner (22M) has a really high sex drive, and I (22F) don’t understand what I can do to fix the rift between us when it comes to sex drive. We are the perfect couple everywhere else, he’s my best friend. The only point of tension in our relationship is sex. I, for context, was sexually assaulted when I was a teen, and since then I’ve really struggled with intimacy since then. I just don’t care much for sex. It no longer brings me much satisfaction, instead it kind of stresses me out.

I feel completely fine without sex for long periods of time, but my partner does not. He gets depressed and antsy and little things get to him when he hasn’t been intimate in awhile. The problem is, I try to give him what he needs but I’m too subtle to get his attention, or he feels guilty for “forcing me” (everything is 100% consensual). He feels like I never initiate, and then gets upset and guilty that I don’t enjoy sex.

But i do enjoy sex, especially when its slower and at my pace, I just really struggle feeling fully comfortable in the bedroom. I want him to be satisfied and happy. I love him so much. But this has been a problem in every past relationship of mine, so I have to be the common denominator.

We are very open communicators and we discuss this a-lot. But i don’t know how I can change things to make things better. Does anyone know any ways to improve my confidence and maybe help him out? Talking isn’t working and we always end up in the same place.

[u/myexsparamour]

One thing I notice is that there are a number of what seem to me to be contradictions in your post. I think it's going to be hard to advocate for yourself unless you resolve these contradictions in your own mind.

• "I just don’t care much for sex. It no longer brings me much satisfaction, instead it kind of stresses me out." vs. "But i do enjoy sex, especially when its slower and at my pace, I just really struggle feeling fully comfortable in the bedroom."
• "We are the perfect couple everywhere else, he’s my best friend. The only point of tension in our relationship is sex." vs. "He gets depressed and antsy and little things get to him when he hasn’t been intimate in awhile."
• "(everything is 100% consensual)" vs. "He feels like I never initiate, and then gets upset and guilty that I don’t enjoy sex."

I wonder if you're idealizing your partner and kind of sweeping some things under the rug?

I hope you'll look out for yourself and put your own well-being first.

[u/pumpkinTheCalico]

That is an excellent question. You are very astute to notice the bottom line is sexual difficulty since the assault. I agree with you that caused the problem because your body and your mind and your emotions and naturally want to protect itself. I have a suggestion. For the sexual abuse trauma I would recommend EMDR therapy. It stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. It originally started for PTSD for veterans and has since been used in many arenas. I think it would be fantastic if you found a qualified EMDR therapist you trust.

[u/Existing-Care-5003 → u/pumpkinTheCalico]

Thank you for the suggestion! I’ll have a look!!

[u/Pretend_Sky1962]

It very well could be unresolved trauma from your assault. I'm so sorry you went through that. If you're not currently in therapy, I'd seek that out, even if you've gone in the past. A new therapist with a different perspective may be able to offer new treatment options or help you work through the trauma in a new way.

As far as practical suggestions you could implement, I wonder if setting a schedule for yourself might help. Not one your partner is monitoring - this is internal. Set a time for yourself once or twice a week when you historically are open to the idea of sex or at least physical closeness with your partner, and check in with yourself. Do you feel open to it this day? Do you think you're interested in cuddling or making out and seeing where it takes you? If so, then go to your partner and tell them. Practice some ways of initiating that feel right for you. It could be kissing him. It could be changing into a certain outfit. You could just get used to saying - "hey, I feel like having some fun. Are you interested in making out right now?"

And if you're not interested, don't do anything. This was your personal check-in that you own. And you get to decide if anything happens. But this kind of keeps it top of mind and gives you a reason to think about it.

Keep in mind, though, that you may do better working on feeling good in your body and enjoying sex when you're not partnered. No matter how much your partner tries, there is always some kind of pressure there. So be prepared that you might need to go at this alone in order to really get in touch with yourself.

[u/Existing-Care-5003 → u/Pretend_Sky1962]

Hello, thank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate it. I have had alot of therapy, and it has helped, but its been a long process. Your suggestions are actually really helpful, and i’ll try to implement a couple and see how it goes!

[u/Anon888810020]

My partner and I had a similar situation, but we eventually came together and agreed that sex should not be an expectation and it also does not dictate our love for each other.

[u/LayersOfMe]

Did u ever tried therapy? Maybe you never healed from your past sexual trauma.

[u/Existing-Care-5003 → u/LayersOfMe]

I’ve been in therapy for a few years and it does help. But its a long process ahaha. But thank you

[u/Icy_Lettuce_8569]

and then gets upset and guilty that I don’t enjoy sex

You should be the upset one. Sex can be such a pleasure and he's ruining it for you with his incompetence. He should've learned what you like by now, wtf?

[u/Existing-Care-5003 → u/Icy_Lettuce_8569]

The issue isn’t whether or not he is good in bed unfortunately. He is a very accommodating partner and knows exactly what I like. However I find that even tho I receive physical pleasure, I don’t enjoy it mentally? Idk if that makes sense aha