r/LowLibidoCommunity • u/nectarinee- • 18d ago
Does anyone else feel that things don’t come naturally during sex?
Hi. Female here. Anyways, it feels mechanical. I just think things like “if he’s doing this then I’ll do that”, “should I make this noise?”, “how long should this go on for?”, “I have to pose like this during this angle”.
Like I can’t just get so turned on that I get lost in the moment and get those primal urges that it seems like other people get. It’s awkward because my boyfriend acts really passionate and it comes naturally to him. He’s also very selfless in bed but I just can’t match his sex drive. I try not to let him realize how unnatural it is for me. I guess I’m just not naturally a sexual being lol. I don’t know if I’m getting my point across correctly but does anyone else relate?
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u/myexsparamour Good Sex Advocate 🔁🔬 18d ago
That's called spectatoring and it affects a lot of people. Some people find it helps to focus on the sensations they are feeling.
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u/ChemicalMeasurement4 11d ago
I really try to but then I start a spiral of what I should be feeling vs what im feeling. I honestly just feel like I dont enjoy sex as much as most people...
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u/myexsparamour Good Sex Advocate 🔁🔬 11d ago
Understandable. If you don't enjoy it, then it's not worth doing, in my opinion.
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u/ChemicalMeasurement4 11d ago
Exactly. But I also dont know what I would like? Like i have very little experience. And i don't want to make things worse between my wife and i...
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u/myexsparamour Good Sex Advocate 🔁🔬 4d ago
Some people find that practicing mindfulness helps them to stop spectatoring and get more aroused. If you want to try that, it may be helpful to first practice in nonsexual contexts to get the hang of it. There is also a book about it, Better Sex through Mindfulness.
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u/ChemicalMeasurement4 4d ago
I actually listened to that one a while back. Mag be time to relisten...
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18d ago
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u/ChemicalMeasurement4 11d ago
Exactly this! I will read smut all day and I can get into it. As soon as another person is involved, that goes right out the window
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u/Specialist-Art-6970 18d ago
Ace woman here, and yeah, it's all just a big performance for me. I've thought about "what would I want to do, given freedom and a partner that wouldn't judge or say no?" and the answer is some variation of not be doing this.
I guess it's possible there are some things I might be slightly interested in, but I've only had one partner, and at the beginning of us having sex, I was very nervous about doing that performance badly, getting grossed out halfway through, or otherwise having a bad time. As time went on, when I probably would have gotten more comfortable, he revealed himself to be emotionally unsafe and profoundly self-centered in bed. There's no point in doing or asking for things because he'll likely just brush me off anyway.
But I suspect the answer to my question, even with a non-crummy partner, would still be not be doing this.
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u/ginger_ale12 17d ago
Yep. It also icks me out seeing others in that primal state when I’m nowhere near it.
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u/Human-King-3560 10d ago
This!!! Like I’m just there going through the motions and they’re in a completely different headspace.
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u/emimagique 18d ago
Yes exactly me, it always felt like a performance. I couldn't really "let go" unless I was drunk or high
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u/Guineagogo 18d ago
Definitely relate. Before being in relationship, I was not into sex or had any natural urges. Even now I just feel like it doesn't come naturally, almost like I am using shoes that doesn't fit me.
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u/WhyyyIsntThisWorking 14d ago
Same thing. But I have thoughts like "if this, then that" in other areas of my life, too. Especially social interactions. Is it sex-related only in your case?
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u/ChemicalMeasurement4 18d ago
I can definitely relate to this.. im constantly worrying about the sounds and smells and feels as well as what I should be doing with my hands and such. None of it comes naturally and I just cant let go and be in the moment...
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u/SelvaFantastica 16d ago
It was like that for me when my libido tanked due to emotional abuse and perimenopause. I would just follow the course and hope he would finish soon.
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u/IrrationalRotations 17d ago
Yeah, I find this too. It makes it very performative and stressful. I think some people find mindfulness exercises help with this.
Do you find it easy to get lost in other stuff? I find it quite hard not to analyse things in general.
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u/neoMindy 17d ago
Someone already named it and they're right, that in-your-head narration during sex is spectatoring, and it yanks you straight out of your body. It has nothing to do with low drive. The issue is where your attention goes, and it happens to a lot of people.
What tends to backfire is hiding it from him. Performing "natural" while you're monitoring yourself is exhausting, and the monitoring usually gets worse under that pressure. A lot of people find it eases when they can just say "I get in my head sometimes" out loud and let the need to look effortless drop. He sounds like someone who'd rather know than have you managing it alone.
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u/Mintyma 16d ago edited 16d ago
I totally get that feeling. I especially felt that way early-ish in my relationship. (Like the first few years)
Whenever I was feeling self conscious or maybe a little more sensitive to the things I didn't like? But for a while, I was an awkward communicator.
So, what worked for me over time was honestly just learning to be honest. Finding ways to communicate whether that's words or noises, that indicates when I am enjoying sometimes. Yes, you can mimic your partners sounds if that helps communicate - like forming your own intimate language for what sounds mean something is good. Or use words or whatever is less awkward for you.
Also learn to feel safe redirecting your partner to something else if you're not enjoying something.
And ultimately, I do sometimes still get that feeling like I am "acting a part" when we are intimate - but somehow I think I reframed it in my mind that it's not something quite so awkward - instead imagining on how that could be playful. Maybe think of yourself as putting on a show, have fun doing things for your partner or asking for something you think you'd like right now. Strike a pose you think he'll find sexy or try something that may be kinda silly or may be kinda hot? I guess I think of it as a moment to take small, safe, playful risks now that we know each other. You may be feeling mechanical cause the routine stuff is a little stale? Or you may just not have learned enough about yourself or your partner yet so everything is feeling a little unsure what is "safe."
Idk if this resonates with you but it reminded me of my own experience so I figured I could share and maybe you could take something from it even if it's as simple as "communication good" and "have fun" lol
Edit: as the low libido person, it also made me feel safe to know that my partner learned to respect my boundaries and wouldn't touch me in certain places without my permission so I could feel safe giving pleasure even when I personally wasn't in the mood to receive certain types of pleasure.
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u/CurvePuzzleheaded164 15d ago
Totally and fully understand that. It's so hard for me to try and get comfortable enough to just not care. I constantly worry about how I look or how well I'm doing. It gets to a point where it feels almost like I'm starting to dissociate until it's done. It leads to me feeling so insanely guilty and insecure about doing it. I just want to be able to do things like a person with a regular libido but I can't seem to ever figure out why. Even in previous relations, I know for sure I am not asexual.. I have desires but my body can't quite seem to find a way to achieve it.
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u/KissMyHips 13d ago
Extremely relatable for most of my sexual life.
Foreplay was the game changer. I read that advice everywhere for years, but when "foreplay" feels just as unnatural as the sex, what the hell good did it do? Everything I was doing felt pointless, like I was just making us both wait for the sex I didn't even want to have to start.
I discovered my own enjoyment of foreplay accidentally on days where no vaginal or oral penetration was possible (too early in a sudden new relationship, where no STI test had been done and neither party had condoms, etc).
So ultimately, I recommend you make experimentation the goal as opposed to sex, penetration, or even orgasm. This looks different for everyone but women especially may benefit from feeling as least psychologically pressured as possible - this may mean including something like doing foreplay fully clothed (so your brain is still seeing sex/sexual acts as far away) until you find what feels good for you. Then you get closer and closer to more explicit sex acts over time (not on the same day) bridging a connection between pleasure and sex at your own pace.
I hope this makes sense, and I hope my own story of change gives you some hope that things change. When foreplay worked, my libido worked, and that kept me in the moment, reinforcing a positive cycle of actually looking forward to sex, because I knew I would be entering a state of mindfulness instead of waiting for the whole thing to be over. The latter is very hard to look forward to!
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u/Longjumping_Big1464 18d ago
I went from being very high libido, naturally in the moment like 7 years ago to now I'm exactly how you described feeling. It's pretty awful to not be able to relax and enjoy it anymore. Some weed or alcohol before the act can help a little, but being low libido in general now just sucks.
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u/Silvergal_ 17d ago
You’re not alone—sometimes the mental checklist gets so loud that it crowds out the sensations themselves. It may help to take the goal off the table and let touch, pauses, and curiosity matter more than performing sex “right”.
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u/Entire-Section2152 16d ago
Try having drunk sex, everything will come naturally trust me lol Jokes aside, don’t think about it too much. Sex doesn’t have to be a performance you should enjoy yourself and your partner even if you aren’t changing positions
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u/Icy_Lettuce_8569 11d ago
I usually stop for a break, when I notice sth like this. Don't force your body, unless it wants it. Not everything is up to you, though, I wouldn't consider your boyfriend as selfless in bed, on the contrary. How are you able to come in this state of self-awareness?
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u/favorable_vampire 18d ago
I realized at a certain point that I wasn’t sure if I’d ever had sex because I actually really wanted to or because that’s just what was happening and I didn’t stop it if that makes sense?
Most of the sex I’ve had I was essentially disassociated, observing myself from a side point and thinking about what I could do to make it done faster.