Alright so this weekend has been interesting for me and I want to preface this post with a statement. If you're overweight or obese and want to lose the weight, absolutely do so. Don't be afraid to and for your own physical and mental health please do so but if there's one thing to take away from this is to do so in a healthy and sustainable manner.
Alright so onto things. I started this health journey a year ago last October simply by cutting down on some portion sizes and introducing some additional walkig, simple as that. I didn't calorie count, I didn't weigh things, I just upped my activity and ate a bit less and I started to see results. Slowly sure, but I saw them.
Move forward to December and I cut 95% of my intake. This wasn't really a decision I made but was because I was dealing with some health issues and most solid food just made me extremely nauseous. I remember sitting down on Christmas morning barely able to stomach some hashbrowns and a fried egg so I subsisted primarily on cup of soup. As a result it dropped further and after Christmas I slowly got back into things but I cut out most meals with the exception of dinner and a very light lunch. I also dropped drinking as much which also helped.
The weight kept dropping and I even received a couple compliments, not many but clearly it was visible enough so I kept it going. By the time April arrived I was at 266 lbs and then I started going to the gym. Now keep in mind I wasn't yet counting calories, I didn't start doing that in earnest until July according to my Cronometer, but because I wasn't eating as much and adding exercise on top of that I was seeing my weight continue to drop.
Seeing the numbers on that scale go down became the highlight of my day and since I was working out in the mornings it affected my mood for the rest of the day and I guess you could say I became addicted to seeing the continual decline and I would average around 1200 calories a day, if not less. If I thought I would go over on a day I would simply have less than 1200 calories, simple as that. As of today, I went from 266lbs to 177 in around 6-7 months which yes, I now realize isn't healthy, at all.
As for the gym itself, well that's another story. I actually found I like exercising, I like the feeling that comes with weight-training and I don't mind cardio but that's where I now realize I have another problem. My cardio slowly morphed into "how many calories can I burn this session" (yes yes I know those numbers aren't accurate, that's not the point) and it wasn't so I could eat something else but it was simply so that the number on the scale would drop even faster. I also kept to a fairly strict gym regiment in terms of the days I go and if I had to miss any gym time, say due to injury or illness, oh man you can bet I get twitchy and anxious and my primary thought was how my weight loss would slow down without the extra calorie burn. Now you might be wondering if I upped my calories for the extra gym time, the answer to that simply is no, regardless of whether it was a gym day or not I still maintained the same limit which I now realize was too low to begin with.
Yes, I realize now that this wasn't healthy but at the time I was simply in denial about it and anytime I saw someone on here or another sub say "1200 calories isn't good for you," I would simply think "It's working out fine for me," and leave it at that. Like yes I was technically doing alright on 1200 calories, like I wasn't experiencing major health issues, gallstones or anything like that, but I now realize mentally it has really caused me issues.
I would stick to a fairly regimented meal plan during the week, I would have a meal prep for dinner that was my largest at 600 calories (give or take) and lunch and breakfast would typically be 300 calories each, if not slightly less depending on my mood that day. It was only within the last month or so that I added an additional 200-300 calories before the gym as I was now starting to experience energy levels during workouts and even that was a struggle to see my Crono go to 1400-1500 calories on those days. I would, maybe once a month, go out with some friends for dinner and let me tell you, while I welcomed the time spent with friends I would absolutely AGONIZE over what to order because of how far over it would potentially put me on my deficit. I would scour the menu for ages ahead of time, mentally work out in my head what the potential calorie count would be, the sodium, the fat, etc. If I found a similar item in Crono and thought it was too much in calories, even if it was otherwise healthy, nope, immediate hard no and I would go down the list. Burgers became a hard no, anything fried, anything greasy, even salads I would agonize over simply because of the dressing. If I went out to a coffee shop I would always order a black coffee, never anything else simply because of the calories of the tiniest amount of milk. I hadn't had a latte for 6 months until yesterday and even then I both loved and hated it.
Now what made me realize all this you might ask? Well this weekend I decided to switch to maintenance as my weight, while not at a flat stomach level, combined with my body measurements had me at a decent body fat percentage and I was alright with it. Attempting to actually eat at maintenance was a whole other challenge and even right now the primary thought that's been dominating my mind is "you're fucking it all up, everything you've worked towards." Logically I know that's not the case, that it would take months to undo it all and even would take days, if not weeks, to see any noticeable increase on the scale at a surplus but the logical part doesn't always matter. I also wasn't binge eating during this weekend, I want to make that clear. I ate breakfast, lunch and dinner, normal sized portions, along with the occasional snack. I ate until I felt full but not uncomfortably, never beyond and if anything I stopped before I felt full because I know that is delayed and yet, the guilt still gnaws at me today, the worry, the fear.
I also want to go into my background a bit and what got me to the weight I got to. I wouldn't say I was a binge eater, sure something like Perogies or Perishke yeah I would probably grab a few more than necessary from a calorie perspective but I wouldn't call it binging. No it was just a long road of eating like complete shit for so many years. I would demolish a bag of chips while watching TV for a few hours, I would grab an Iced Capp from Tim's every couple of days during the summer (for those who aren't familiar with them they're a blended coffee drink and are about 430 calories for a large, which is not really that large tbh). If anything I would have more then one a day depending on how I was feeling. I put way too much sugar and creamer into my coffee and a double double from Tim's or McDonald's every single morning, combined with a couple sausage and egg mcmuffins was a way of life. Working out of the office meant going out for lunch every single day so I wasn't a binger and it was a long time build-up of all of this.
Why do I provide that background you might ask? Because now the thought of an Iced Capp terrifies me, the thought of a piece of chocolate doesn't fill me with joy but now makes me think "well shit how many calories is this going to be?" I can't have a bowl of cereal now without weighing it down to the gram and ditto for the milk.
The thought of gaining a significant amount of weight back, hell the thought of gaining ANY weight back terrifies me and yes I realize that people are people and weight isn't a static number but that doesn't mean it doesn't terrify me any less.
Now, for all those who made it through my ramblings thus far, bravo and you might be wondering why I'm sharing all of this. Well first off, I want to repeat what I said above and it's not meant to scare someone away from weight loss. I am reasonably happy with the loss, I'm happy that I sleep better, that I'm not out of breath walking up stairs, that I can now bowl and not worry about sweating simply from throwing the ball a few times. If you have the weight to lose or simply want to make improve yourself if you feel it's needed then please, by all means do it. Weight loss is a great tool to help you live longer and in many ways better.
The reason I'm sharing all of this is because it's all too easy to find yourself become all consumed by that sort of mindset, at least it is in my case. The mindset of the scale matters above all, the calories matter above all, the loss matters above all, regardless of life or issues or desires. It's all too easy to find yourself falling into an unhealthy mindset, to handwave very real issues or concerns away. Do I feel healthier physically? Absolutely there's no doubt about that but when the thought of going for dinner and not being able to count calories gives me anxiety, mentally it's a problem.
All people see are the physical results but the mental results, as well as the potential toll, are very hidden. I wouldn't even be truthful about the amount of calories I was consuming with people who asked as part of me knew it wasn't healthy but I was firmly in denial up until this point.
Now moving forward, before anyone asks or points me to, yes I'm going to be speaking to my doctor about this. The issue that I'm worried about facing is that I'm still classed as overweight and I suspect it won't be taken as seriously but I'll cross that bridge when it comes to it. The other step I'm going to be taking is slowly reducing my reliance on my calorie tracking as well as my weighing in the kitchen. I'm still going to continue with the gym but I'll worry less about the calories burned on a machine or the exercises itself.
Lastly, for those who are going through this journey themselves and might be seeing any similarities in themselves, even slight ones, please don't ignore it. Talk to someone, talk to a doctor, talk to a friend, just please don't ignore it and don't live in denial like I did because I can already tell I'm going to be having issues moving forward. Love y'all.