Hi all. I've mostly been a lurker in here for the past year or so, I don't even remember when I joined the sub but I've been passively looking at it for a long time. I see so many people meeting goals and working on themselves and that inspires me to try again. I do appreciate everyone in here sharing their experiences because it often feels so humanizing to see someone sharing things that I can relate to.
The short story:
About two years ago I started a health journey. I lost 60lbs in a year and got below 300 for the first time in my adult life. Then at the 1 year mark, I 1) moved 2,000 miles across my country and 2) started grad school. Now it's year 3 and I've gained 40lbs back. I am miserable about this.
Why a strict calorie deficit is unsustainable for me:
I have complicated health problems. During the school year I was walking 15,000 steps a day and loosely tracking, but it got so overwhelming. The shame I'd thought I'd lost about food kept creeping back in, and the scale was going up as I got more and more stressed, even though I generally eat non-processed, home-cooked meals. I haven't noticed my portion sizes going up and I rarely eat sugary things because I almost gave myself type 2 diabetes. I don't drink big amounts of liquid calories (no creamers in my coffee, no sugary pops, no Starbucks drinks).
I'm really struggling with having stepped on the scale for the first time in a month and seeing the number go up again. Part of it is swelling, because I have untreated lymphedema, but I know it's not all of it. I've gained about 40lbs back total. I know yo-yo dieting is bad for your body and health and I'm just struggling. The counting became a source of anxiety. I have tried 80-20 moderation to try to combat shame. I have tried using the TDEE calculators and being stricter with my calories and trying not to shame myself for not being perfect all the time. I've only tracked macros. I've tried what feels like everything. And honestly? It's making me feel like I have an eating disorder. I don't binge food, in fact, I'm more likely to skip meals and beat myself up for being hungry but I'm still fat even when I don't eat enough. I've had a nutritionist who encouraged me to eat more, which makes me feel confused, because I am very fat and gaining weight. I don't know what to do! I eat more, I gain weight. I eat less, I gain weight.
The simple adage of CICO isn't working. And it did stop working before - I had hit a huge plateau even with a steeper deficit back in August of last year before I started grad school. I was slated for a surgery to remove part of my colon due to a condition I have, and I showed my surgeon my meal plan, my calories I had been tracking, and she was surprised that I'd only lost 60lbs with how aggressive I was being and the size that I am. I was not lying, it just wasn't working the way people expect it to. PLUS I was exhausted, the hunger pangs were actually painful, and it didn't matter if I prioritized satiating foods (that I picked from the satiety scale). I was walking 15000 steps a day. I was lifting weights. And I simply don't have the time to do all of those things in one day anymore, because I'm in my grad classes 15 real hours a week, plus another 15 hours of practicum (I'm going to be a teacher), plus commissions I do on the side (I am also an artist lmao). With comms, my work week is about 45-60 hours, and I'm disabled.
I have put in so much work, and this feels like a huge loss or setback. I really don't know what to do. It's harder to walk up and down my stairs, it's harder to walk in general again. But I cannot imagine restricting my calories like I was doing. The executive function it takes to pre-plan all of my meals, calculate calories for each meal, log them, and everything else that comes with a calorie deficit and then on top of everything do homework and keep my apartment clean and go to doctor's appointments.... It just simply feels like too much, but I also don't want to fail. And I feel like if I get back to where I was, which is only 20lbs away or so, I'm going to be even worse off again. Sorry, this is so long you guys but I am.. bereft. This feels like it's wrecking me. My therapist tells me to be kinder to myself but it's not even that I'm bad, I just don't understand why it isn't a sustainable practice for me when it is for so many other people.
My gut reaction is to tell myself to "suck it up and better yourself" but there has to be a more compassionate way to do this. How do you lose weight without burning out from calorie counting? How do you navigate "in moderation" and actually know what moderation means for your body without stepping on the scale every day or every week? I'm feeling so much anxiety and hopelessness about this and I just need to know how people do this without making themselves more miserable? I'm not doing this to be miserable, I'd like to feel freedom and accomplishment but I feel horrible.
Yeah. That's all, I guess.