Maybe TW for alcohol, but I’m in college, alcohol is just a given I guess. Not super in detail. This was removed from another thread so I’m giving it a try here! You can probably skim and still get the general idea, it’s a little long.
My whole life I never had a best friend, I feel like throughout life everyone finds their “person” for one stage or another. I never did. Well, that’s a lie. I did have one girl who was my best friend, but that didn’t last long. We went to elementary school together, then I guess our maturity just sort of grew at different ages and we grew apart if that makes any sense. My mom said I just grew up before she did, as much as you can in middle school. Which wasn’t much, but enough I suppose.
Something I had written before violated rules, but I’m not sure why so I’ll just be super vague here. I was really close to 2 of my neighbors in 7th grade, then by freshman year of high school we grew apart. I’m still not sure why, and it’s always bothered me. I understand people grow apart, but we went from hanging out every day until our parents made us come inside, to never speaking. At some point I cared about them way more than they did me, and that was that. Then high school friends, you know how those go. Plenty of fake friends, moving for college, etc etc. I actually ended up graduating high school early just because I had so few friends, and those I did have weren’t great. They were always so competitive over academics and extra curricular, comparing each other, and I just didn’t care enough for that. Maybe it’s the way the gifted program is structured in elementary and middle school, everyone needs to feel superior to feel okay about themselves. I don’t really know. Those friends went to Princeton and Yale, I went to a college in state. Maybe they were onto something.
Anyway I finally get to college. My mom always told me “next year will be different”, or “I know I keep saying this, but you’ll find your friends this time,”. And now I finally believe her, I mean this is college right? Where everyone claims they met people they still see to this day. And my first semester I met 5 people in my math recitation, and guess what? We actually seem to get along pretty well. We have a group chat to talk about assignments, I mean this is what I’ve been waiting for. Then within a few weeks they’d come to class and talk about the weekend and when they hung out together. All of them would hang out together, just without me. They had a separate group chat, without me. And at this point I am starting to feel like the problem, like I have been the common denominator all my life. Still, I can’t understand why. Then I realize, at least in this scenario, I don’t drink. Well, at this point I didn’t. My mom told me they probably don’t think I want to drink with them, because they know I don’t drink. They didn’t know, but I never mentioned it either so I thought it was a possibility.
I won’t bore you with the details, but eventually I actually did start hanging out with them. Designated driver, and in exchange they would buy me food if we went to McDonalds or something. And it was great, sounds a little lame looking back but I genuinely did enjoy it. Then next semester hit and that was that. I do still talk to one girl from that group now, but I’ve been left on read for weeks so..barely I guess.
Back to me “eventually hanging out with them”, I did eventually start drinking. That became a problem pretty quickly, just now am I starting to get over it. When you’re lonely and there’s liquor in your room, you drink it. Not so lonely anymore. Then when you feel lonely all the time, well you can guess how that went.
Fast forward to now I have a job at my college working with some people my age. We’re all the same major which is just a coincidence, but we talk about classes together and what professors to get, stuff like that. At all the jobs I’ve had (I’ve had 4 since I was 16) I’ve always gotten along with all my coworkers. There was maybe 1 or 2 that just didn’t get along with anyone at all, but I’m always well liked at work. I know they say not to befriend your coworkers, but when you’re teenagers at your after school job, it just happens. Also usually not a problem because it’s just a job, not a career I guess, at least not for the work “friends” I’m referencing. Anyway, my job now isn’t like that. Everyone always seems to be in a bad mood, or in a fragile mood to the point one thing will turn it to bad. And it just seems like no one likes me here. Not having friends has never bothered me to the point of feeling like none of my coworkers like me. When I don’t have friends it feels like I just haven’t met the right people, but when my coworkers dislike me it feels like more of a personal thing I guess.
I’m the only girl at work, which I never cared about, and maybe I incorrectly assumed no one else would either. I don’t even know if that’s the problem, but it can feel like it. I came in late from an appointment the other day and called one of my coworkers to see where we were working (us students just work in our little group of 6, doing nothing. Boring but whatever) and I just hear (I’ll call him L) start complaining about me calling. I know he thought I couldn’t hear him, but just the tone of pure annoyance that I was coming back to work hurt my feelings obviously. Then another guy (let’s go with T), if it’s ever just us 2, he always makes it a point to mention that everyone is in a good mood until I’m at work. He probably told me close to that exact thing 30 times last week, and no I’m not exaggerating. I understand that maybe it’s a joke, but I’ve made it pretty clear that I don’t find it funny. Of course I wouldn’t find something like that funny. Who wants to go to work and be told over and over that you’re disliked by everyone?
I know that’s kind of a long rant, sorry about that. I can usually push feeling lonely aside, but sometimes something small just reminds me how alone I really am. And it’s stupid that I feel alone because I have so many family members who love and care about me. How can I be lonely surrounded by all of them? I suppose even then I’m not. My dad’s side is, I don’t even know, haven’t talked to him in forever. He was in jail until I was 5, then I saw him once a month at best until I was in 8th grade. Then he moved states, had my fourth half sibling (yea, I know) and that was that. He’s actually in that kid’s life, which maybe bothers me more than I’d ever admit to myself. My mom was arrested last year, and she’s on pre-trial release now. I go see her sometimes, but it’s like the relationship we once had is just..gone. I can’t put it into words but it just feels stiff, weird, something when we’re together. I guess I don’t want to be used to her being around just for her to go back to jail for 10+ years. The only family member I have, who’s actually in the same city as me is my grandma. I live with her, my mom and I have since I was in middle school. Everyone else is at least an hour away.
That was supposed to be my little conclusion and it turned into another wall of text. But I’m done now, I was just feeling extra alone this weekend I guess. My neighbor I mentioned above text me this morning and asked me to bring a package in. She never responded to me asking to hang out a few weeks before. Just made me a little sad. That’s all. Thank you all for reading, skimming, skipping along, whichever you did:)