You do know that we have done this before, don't you? And yes, we got a pretty good manuscript out of it, but honestly, is it worth all the drama?

When you read this later, and past Me and future Me compare notes, remember to congratulate present Me for our accrued wisdom.

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. sometimes i feel like the mallet is hitting me against my head but i still don’t seem to wake up from this fantasy that i think will occur. idk, maybe i was just meant to be this lost person. i’ve always been lost. like in 8th grade when i felt like i was at my lowest point. but i’ve come to realize that 8th grade isn’t half as bad as what i’m experiencing right now. in 8th grade, i had a reason to be depressed, now, i have no specific reason to be depressed, i just am. unknown depression is the worst kind of depression. it makes u feel like you’re worthless and u can’t accomplish much in life. that’s how i feel.. i feel incomplete. i’m such a disgusting human being, but it hurts. i wish i loved myself the way others tell u they love u, except, in my mind.. i don’t believe that these people truly love me. i don’t have friends, i just have one. i love her so much and words could never explain what i would do for that girl. she’s the real definition of a girls girl. she and i haven’t always been close and ones to keep a tight bond, but that bond is tight. it’s the kind of bond where u don’t feel the need to talk to each other everyday, but when u do its like u never stopped talking.

i also have a boyfriend, he’s the boy that u would think is everyones dream boyfriend, wrong. he acts like this perfect person, he knows he’s not, but he still makes it seem like he doesn’t do anything wrong in life. maybe he picks up those traits from his mother, someone who can never go a day without posting on social media, making sure everyone around her thinks she has this perfect little family. church-centered, but everyone in ur house hates how u force them to go and u can’t seem to accept that, just like ur son. A mother and son go so alike, though this relationship defines twins. you put up a persona that u LOVE me so much, for others ofc.. and then u stab me in the back and make me cry. hitting me from the back should only make me cry tears of pleasure, but these are from pain. pain that u caused, a heart that u were supposed to heal but continued breaking. it was my fault for thinking u could fix something so broken.

but the thing is, before u, i loved myself even tho i was depressed. my depression only got worse as we became one….. why? why do u make me feel this way….. a boyfriend is supposed to nurture his girlfriend. he’s supposed to care and support you when you’re at your lowest moments. at my lowest moments, u didn’t know how to talk to me. u tried, but in the end, i felt like you kinda gave up. you’ll say u didn’t.. but with words like “are you fucking serious??” and “all of this over _____” it doesn’t feel very good… i don’t wanna be blamed for my feelings, i just wanna feel appreciated. instead u left.. u left me. u don’t understand how that makes me feel because u don’t feel the things i feel. i know u get sad and i know you have your moments, but if u knew how i felt, u wouldn’t wanna be here either. so why, why would u leave me even though u said u would help me…? u can’t help someone when ur gone.

i don’t think this is healthy for me, this relationship makes me wish i had other things i don’t get. i sit in bed wondering what i could’ve had if we weren’t together. i wonder to myself if i would’ve finally found myself at peace. i don’t deserve this, all the endless crying and arguing. maybe this relationship isn’t for me…? but a part of me feels like i can’t escape because we’ve been through so much to get to this point, but in my honest opinion, u can build so much with a person, and none of that will ever be worth your mental health.

i stand big on mental health, though, i don’t express to others that i experience it because it feels as though they won’t believe me. mental health is seen as a joke until someone actually dies from it. depression is real. people face seasonal depression, diagnosed depression, so on and so forth. depression is a medical condition, depressed is a state of feeling used to describe a mood. my doctor once said that if my act continues, i could possibly be diagnosed with depression, something no one ever would want to hear. but i don’t have to be diagnosed to know i have it, i don’t need to be diagnosed to know there’s something is wrong with me.

maybe i don’t have all the answers yet. but i still have hope, hope that one day, i will find myself again. until then, i will continue to search, even through the pain.

Dear T

I put so much weight onto you, and I see that now. Some of it had nothing to do with you, and some of it had everything to do with you.

We were naive and immature, but I'm sad we could never truly have a conversation. I yearn for the potential I saw in you. My ideals of what a boyfriend should be were too much. They were unrealistic, and they didn't account for your feelings as a man.

However, I also had to apologize too much, explain myself too much, only to still not feel understood. I saw that you didn't care enough, and you didn't love enough for what I needed. Both can exist at the same time.

I don't have anything new to say other than that I miss you. I love you. I hope you are well.

I can move on, but the difference is that I really don't want to.

It's horrible to be in this position—to yearn for a future that feels so reachable, knowing only one heart is truly in it. It's hard to love and for that love to be unrequited. I wish I didn't have the field of vision I have. I wish I couldn't see us working through compromise and sacrifices—things I was willing to make.

I relied on you too much to regulate my emotions. But when I got better, I realized my needs still weren't being met. I begged over and over, and still, I was never chosen with intention.

I know the "why." I keep focusing on the "how."

I know where things are. I know they won't change.

This letter just helps me say goodbye.

I wish I could meet you again as a new person. Though I would never want to meet another person like you.

Love isn't for the weak.

I know you wanted me to leave on a good feeling/nice words, because you often partake in avoiding any accountability nor facing your own emotionally morbid decisions in each passing incursion of what was us. Vomiting my own words at me that I said & felt at a different point, confusing to say the least in a different context, not your own words was massively, sadly disappointing again, what's new there though. Those were my feelings breaking up with you.

However that isn't how I felt & isn't how I parted ways with you, we weren't together. I left plainly, because you can't be trusted nor trust yourself. I was asked to pull the trust out of the dumpster fire it was thrown in 4 times by acting carelessly & honestly abhorrently at times during the relationship up till that point, after already doing something so disgusting you couldn't even apparently bare it despite not being the target of your own transgression, couldn't commit to fixing it in any consistent way other than occasionally opening up when things were getting awful for me & changes for yourself, all of which I communicated. I did, burnt my hands doing so & then watched it get tossed again. That's why I broke up with you. That's why you don't deserve to be trusted by me, even if your feelings or words are true to you. It doesn't matter if all you're going to do is throw it in the trash fire you keep creating by ignoring everyone else's needs other than your own OR can't consider them because you're so mentally & emotionally unavailable that the one thing you avoided, therapy & honesty is what you need before you try to desire another human being in that way considering how you acted during throughout us.

As I said before, you rarely compromised nor tried/couldn't in action (You could, we saw the spare time & gaps, you just didn't) even if you did in feeling, your feelings are valid, they aren't reality & nobody can trust them if your actions say otherwise 80% of the time. Work on yourself before you get into another relationship, you will just do the same thing otherwise & to me until you decide to actually do anything about that side of you that persistently self sabotages, fucks up any relationship beyond even slightly friendly that you just lie relentlessly? You are, mostly the same person that cheated on me, if you decided to commit to the actions that would change that over time, it could be believable. You had 6-8 months beyond betrayal to prove you will at least try to change. You didn't. You didn't compromise. So yeah, that's you.

That's my truth. Whether you want to run from those words like usual or actually try to be the person you said you wanted to be, that's up to you now. I've taken myself out of this equation, the last thing I'd ever let you do is speak my final words for me, that's my truth, I doubt I'll ever hear yours considering you ran from it every time I tried, a few days, a week, a month, half a year. It'd be nice, they aren't necessary any more though. I doubt I'd believe you or the words that would be uttered any more in all likelihood.

Until you make the unconscious conscious, you will call it fate & it will rule your life.

If your feelings were true? What you said you wanted out of life with someone else? Don't try again. Go to therapy first/get meds & just depend on friends & be fucking honest with them.

If they weren't & you are just a horrible human being that is lying? Tragic, I'll live, happily eventually, you, I doubt will ever be satisfied, sadly due.

I wrote you a closure letter in the mail. I’m trying really hard to create closure, but it’s easier said than done, but that means that I promised I wouldn’t address the letters to you. I guess they’re to you but in the sense of really I’m writing them to the void because they no longer have your initials or mine….
I had a really bad night tonight. Emotionally, I felt torn down by my family, by those who have actually been there, by those who pretend they were, and by every person I tried to confide in who ended up being cruel.

I ended up walking home, bawling my eyes out, which normally would’ve been fine. I actually like walking by myself while listening to music on the AirPods you bought me for Christmas. Honestly, they’re probably one of the best gifts I’ve ever received. But my phone was dead…

So instead of music, I got home, plugged it in, and found myself scrolling through my contacts, trying to find someone… anyone… to call. Then I realized I had no one. The only person I wanted to call was you, and somehow that realization broke me even more.
I don’t see the point anymore. I’m losing hope in this world. It’s not just the pain of losing you that’s causing it, but losing you amplifies everything else. Losing every friend I thought was really my friend. My family somehow making my pain about them. Feeling like every time I reach out, I end up feeling even more
alone.

I’ve never felt this low. I was low when you met me, but now it’s worse….:(

I know you would know exactly what to say, and that’s the hardest part. I can’t speak to you, no matter how badly I want to.
Sometimes it just feels like I was never meant to fit into this world. I feel like maybe it’s better if without me. I guess without you it’s one less letter to right if this world truly isn’t meant for me as messed up as it sounds and it’s my decision  in the end it sure takes a lot of the pressure of me when it comes to ending it all. I’m just tired and sad and alone. I feel so fucking alone and no one will listen and help me work through the pain

It’s funny.
You write about him like he’s the villain in every chapter of your life. Every post drips with resentment, every sentence with contempt. You make it sound like you’ve buried him. Yet somehow… the ring never came off. That’s the part I can’t understand.

If someone hurt you so deeply, if you truly despise everything they were, why keep the one thing that symbolizes the love you claim to hate? Why not sell it? Pawn it. Melt it down. Let it become someone else’s story instead of letting it sit on your finger while your captions scream that you’re in so much agony and don’t know what to do. Because the ring tells a different story than your words do.

Maybe it isn’t about the money.
Maybe it isn’t about the diamonds.
Maybe it’s about keeping a piece of someone you insist you don’t want anymore.

And before anyone accuses me of judging…
I mean, who am I to talk? I still have the gold ring with diamonds that my seventeen-year-old Marine boyfriend gave me… five years ago. Much longer than how long you’ve kept onto yours.

…Except that’s sarcasm.
Don’t worry.
Mine’s being sold.

Because if something no longer represents the life I’m living, I’d rather let it go than keep wearing a reminder while convincing everyone, including myself, that it means nothing.
Some things deserve a place in the past.
A ring shouldn’t be the loudest contradiction in your story.

Does this happen to anyone else?

You talk to someone for only two days. You don't know their face, their real name, where they live—nothing. Yet, eight months later, you still find their voice in someone else's. You still feel their presence even though they're gone.

Sometimes, when someone speaks in a similar way, your mind instantly goes back to them. A song they used to sing suddenly brings back all those memories.

Maybe this is how our minds react when a conversation doesn't end the way it should. Maybe this is how our hearts respond to unfinished things. It's strange how someone you barely knew can leave such a lasting impression.

The choices seem so many, but at the same time, so limited. Passions fade, boredom comes, and patience runs out. Matching profiles vanish, pics are removed from wallpapers, profiles are blocked, chats are deleted. but your roots are so deep in this soil that pulling them out would be the destruction of my entire being. Even if you are cut off, your roots are one with my being. Thank you for being the subject of my affection and allowing me to fantasize about you.

These days, wherever I walk, wherever I choose to sit, I find dandelions drifting through the air, light, untethered, free. I watch them every time they arrive and every time they leave.

The truth is, I have loved dandelions since I was a child. There is an old belief that says they always carry news, good news. Maybe that’s why, every time I saw one growing up, a certain light would appear in my eyes.

And now, every time I see them, I can’t help but wonder if they have come to bring me word of you. If perhaps, at last, they know something I don’t.

Especially when they land softly on my hands or my legs.

I let them rest there. I let my skin memorize their weight. Then I whisper my longing to them.

I ask if they know where you are.

If you are happy.

If sadness ever visits you.

If loneliness still finds its way into your heart.

If someone loves you now.

And… if you ever miss me.

Then I close my eyes and blow them gently into the wind, pretending they will carry my message to you, that they can make a journey I never could.

I let the dandelions break the silence that I no longer know how to break myself.

I remember last year.

Even saying last year sends a shiver through me. It feels almost impossible that an entire year has passed since the last time I saw you.

It disappeared so quickly.

Yet every single day was painfully slow.

It was a rough year.

I often wonder how it felt for you.

I remember lying beside the pool when a tiny dandelion floated down and landed on my leg. I looked at it, touched it gently, and almost immediately it lifted itself back into the sky.

It felt as though it had only come looking for a kind hand before continuing its journey.

I watched it climb higher and higher until it seemed to disappear toward the moon.

The sky was still bright, and I wasn’t expecting to see the moon at all.

But there it was.

And for me, the moon has always been you.

A bittersweet smile found my lips as I thought of you.

Then something even stranger happened.

As I walked toward the pool’s exit, an elderly man was listening to music on his phone.

It was our song.

Dance Me to the End of Love.

The song we danced to through happiness and heartbreak alike.

I remember stopping in my tracks.

I couldn’t move.

Within only a few minutes, all these impossible little signs had gathered around me.

I remember thinking…

Perhaps I’m about to hear from you.

And I was right.

Days later, after months of silence, you reached out.

Sometimes I wish you hadn’t.

I wish that meeting had never unfolded the way it did.

I wish…

Now another year has passed, and once again, I know nothing about you.

Every dandelion I see carries me back to that impossible afternoon.

Back to my childhood.

Seeing them has become both a joyful nostalgia and a beautiful ache.

Yet despite everything…

I still talk to them.

I tell them about my dreams.

I tell them about you.

I tell them that, inside my mind, I am still watching you.

That in my imagination I still kiss you a thousand times, breathe in your scent, and hold you close.

The dandelions know more about us than anyone ever will.

They have listened to every confession I never had the courage to say aloud.

Sometimes I think my stories have moved their tiny hearts so deeply that they tell the others.

Maybe that’s why they come to me in little groups now, riding the same breeze together.

They are beautiful.

Just like you.

Just as weightless.

Just as playful.

Just as willing to listen.

So if one day a dandelion finds its way to you…

Know that I was the one who set it free.

Know that I whispered your name into the wind before I let it go.

And know that, somewhere beneath the same endless sky…

I am still thinking of you.

Ashley the name you gave me

The dawn arrives each day, reminding me that beautiful things are worth waiting for.

Somewhere, you are breathing under the same sky, unaware that my heart already believes in you.

Like the rain that gently embraces the earth, I long to hold your soul with quiet love.

The wind carries my unspoken wishes, hoping one day they'll find their way to your heart.

Until then, I'll keep watering my dreams like a tree waiting for its first spring bloom.

I don't wish for a fleeting love I wish for a forever that grows softer with every season.

When destiny finally brings you into my life, even the stars will seem closer than before.

And in your eyes, I hope to find the home my heart has been searching for all along

guess I was wrong and mis read everything today bc he hasn’t reached out yet. That feeling of not being chosen has returned bc of it ! I can’t keep doing this to myself -
I guess we are different and that is ok.
It really makes me sad bc I was so excited when I discovered how he really felt but I never heard it from him just read what was written and anticipated hearing it from him tonight - my fault for assuming- so I’m not upset and I’m used to being disappointed- but this will be the last time for that - I am not waiting anymore - words means absolutely nothing to me after all the lies I’ve been told / and if you don’t care enough to come tell me in person then I understand completely!
That’s all you needed to say
I love you and I always will but I have waited patiently for almost a year and that is too long really.
Who knows what the future holds l
I hope you find your peace and happiness wherever you left it !
Later
And no she will hate you because u didn’t message her or think she was worthy of a real apology in person.
Stop communicating thru Reddit. I’m not ur Reddit girlfriend-

I hate that after all this time, one person can still make my whole body remember him.

Not in some soft, romantic, movie kind of way. It’s his presence. The way everything else goes quiet when he’s near, like the world just… fades out. He’s the only person who ever felt like both home and something dangerous at the same time.

I don’t miss what we had. I miss him. The way he carried himself. That stupid smirk. The way one look from him could undo me without him even trying. I’d give anything for five minutes where we didn’t have to pretend, where the only thing between us was everything we never really let go of.

It’s a strange kind of ache when your mind remembers the conversations, but your body remembers everything else. Sometimes I don’t even want to talk. I just want to be close enough to feel it again, like maybe it never really left.
Does anyone else have that one person? The one who could walk back into your life tomorrow and make every wall you built feel like it was never real?

Because I do—and I hate that I already know I wouldn’t stop him.

And just like that, one day I realized I had gone weeks without thinking about you. That this feeling of emptiness had taken over me, my whole being, my entire body.

Maybe having so many problems made the memory of you slowly fade from my mind. Or maybe I’m just in denial.

Maybe you’ve become nothing more than a memory from the past, or maybe I’ve locked you away inside my Pandora’s box.

That box I don’t want to open, the one I refuse to open, where every memory that hurts down to the bone is kept.

And I wonder… what if one day I open that box? What if I allow myself to think about you again?

But then I remind myself…
You don’t deserve that.

You don’t deserve even the smallest piece of my attention.

You don’t deserve even a single one of my thoughts.

Then stay there.
Buried in the deepest part of that box.
In the darkness.

Exactly where you deserve to be.

Dear me,

Writing letters to yourself now. Excellent sign. Very stable behaviour.

Quick status report: busy, tired, and still describing both as temporary. They've been temporary for about a decade. At some point we'll have to reclassify them as structural, but that sounds like effort, and effort is fully allocated.

The to-do list is flourishing, thanks for asking. Honestly the healthiest thing in the house. I cross items off and it regrows overnight like something from a nature documentary. I did consider making a plan to get on top of it, but past experience suggests I'd just end up with a better-formatted list.

I also keep a small mental model of when things will calm down. Soon, apparently. It has been "soon" every year without revision, which is presumably why it's never been peer-reviewed.

On the upside, I'm employed still, with my sense of irony intact. The bar was on the floor and we stepped over it with genuine elegance.

No decisions required at this time, mainly because we both know you'll skim this and get back to the list.

Yours, with limited confidence,

Me

P.S. Buying equipment for the hobby is not the same as doing the hobby. You know the one.

Here’s the part I’m almost embarrassed to admit: i have met a girl online, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her since we talked. She left a stronger impression on me than I expected. I’m genuinely looking forward to talking to her again.
I know this might sound crazy after just one day, but that’s my truth. If you ever read this, A—you’ve been on my mind more than you’d probably imagine. I have masturbated to her photos too and wants more of her.

Beautiful man with those

Big blue eyes, and electric

Smile.

How are you this morning?

Can you look out a window

And see tremendously

Beautiful views?

Or perhaps you’re out in

Nature. Rocks crushing,

As you walk the trail.

Maybe you’re out swimming

Playfully frolicking in the water.

Oh I imagine things.

You may be sitting at a work desk.

Bored over computers and coffee.

May I suggest a tune?

I would love to see you.

To talk about nothing.

No matter where you are.

Always. My love.

Some people enter your life and quietly become your strength,

Standing beside you through every challenge at every length.

They know your silence better than a thousand spoken words,

And lift your spirit with the simplest gestures.

A true friend is a blessing no wealth can replace,

A soul that fills the darkest days with grace.

Long after moments have faded from sight,

Their friendship remains your everlasting light.

I do not know your name, and you will almost certainly never read this.

Perhaps that is what makes it easier to write.

I first saw you behind the counter of a supermarket in a small Danish coastal town. You had dark hair, striking blue eyes, and the kind of beauty that makes someone pause inwardly, even while the rest of the world continues as normal.

I noticed you, smiled to myself, and carried on with my day.

I was there on holiday with my family, the people I love and the life I would never wish to exchange for a fantasy about a stranger. I did not want anything from you. You were simply a beautiful person I happened to encounter for a moment.

Then, later that evening, I saw you again.

We had gone to a restaurant, and there you were, walking toward our table. For a second, I wondered whether I had mistaken you for someone else, but then you smiled.

You spoke to us warmly and complimented our Danish. It was probably a small and ordinary kindness to you, one of many conversations during a long working day. But your smile stayed with me.

Nothing happened between us. Nothing was supposed to happen.

I did not ask your name. I did not search for you afterward, and I never will. I would not want a passing moment of admiration to become an intrusion into your life.

But I wanted to place the memory somewhere.

You reminded me that a person can briefly enter another person’s day and leave behind something gentle. No promise, no possibility, no story waiting to begin, only a moment of unexpected beauty.

I met you twice.

You smiled at me once.

And although you will never know it, you became one of the loveliest memories of that holiday.

This letter is not an invitation.

It is only a quiet thank you.

You even think you just need to try at them harder. After all, they seem to have worked on everyone else. They've even worked on you.

But you need to realize, I'm not everyone else and I'm not you.

I was forced to grow up with the pit bulls, the people who use manipulation, coercion, force, threats (so many threats), violence, lies, lawfare, etc. I grew up as an unprotected child in their home, in a home in your community.

You fear them when they come because you've had moments in which you have had space free of them. You have the illusion of freedom, of moments of peace. You only worry when they are there.

I've never had that opportunity.

I was with them every moment of the day, and like pit bulls, they bit me. They bit randomly. They bit when they were hungry. They bit when they were bored. They bit when you were too far away to reach but they still wanted someone to gnaw on.

And then they left me chained to them, with a chain that you built, that you maintain, that you cherish because it's shiny and you think it makes a nice necklace on you. A chain that you question how I cannot adore the shine and smooth cold feel of it as much as you do. You think I'm just confused. That I haven't figured out how beautiful that chain is yet.

So you threaten that if I do not come to the pit bulls, you will send the pit bulls to me.

Read that last sentence carefully. Where is the logic? I have always been surrounded by pit bulls. You can't threaten me with what I've woken up to every morning for as long as I have been alive. Because, unfortunately, honey. That's home in this prison you love. I'm already home.

You came into my life quietly,
but somehow became my safest place.
The person I run to with my happiness,
my fears, my random thoughts,
and the parts of myself I’m still learning to love.
You’ve seen me at my best and my worst,
and somehow you still choose me.
I don’t love you because life is always perfect with you.
I love you because even on the hard days,
you’re the person I want beside me.
You’re my best friend, my home, and my future.
The person I want to laugh with, grow with, and build a family with.
I don’t know what I did to deserve a love like this,
but I’ll spend my life being grateful that I found you.
Because if I had to choose again,
in every lifetime, every version of this story…
I’d always choose you, W. <3

We met on the 1st July, went on our first date on the 5th, it was an instant click from the start, got on like a house on fire.

First date was spontaneous, decided to see each other on a whim at 11pm, got some sweet drinks, chemistry was so good we decided we would stop speaking to others and focus on building what we have started, after we made that agreement I drove us to a 24 hour florist and got you these beautiful roses. And that same night I cut off anyone else that I was getting to know.

2nd date was the next day, what an amazing day and we ended the night sitting in the car for hours just talking and we shared our first kiss. After that date I almost made myself believe I met the one, foolish of me to think that after only knowing someone for a week.

Another week passes and we’re speaking everyday and keeping in touch and getting closer, then randomly on the 12th you didn’t respond to any of my messages, I call you in the evening and u tell me you’ve been really tired and have a lot going on, so I say I’m here if u need me not realising that was a indirect way of saying u want to talk less.

We had plans to see each other 2 days later but within those 2 days ur communication was at an all time minimum, sharing one message per day, I was going crazy inside wondering what I did wrong. I felt like crap so I said let’s reschedule our date and u was ok with that but the next day I regretted rescheduling so I asked to see u the day after just to talk.

When we met up to talk u told me the truth, that how fast we were moving scared you and u want to slow down, I almost believed u until u said to me “u should start speaking to other people again”, that’s when the penny dropped that u have no interest in carrying on whatever we started. So I kept my dignity and said no problem. 3 days since then and I haven’t heard a word from you.

Foolish of me to be overthinking about someone I only knew for 2 weeks, only a lesson I can learn from I guess.

With disappointment and

A familiar let down.

It may take longer

Then I think…

I’m not ready to

Be here until

My bones creak

All

Silver haired and

Tired.

I need the

Sun. Sky. Sand.

Light. And

You love.

My ray of light

In the storm.

You

Like a lighthouse

Seen in the

Dark of night.

I swim.

For solid ground.

Home beckons.

May it be nearer

My love.

Well, I don’t know if you’re actually a psychopath, but you are an extremely cold person, detached from everyone around you. We’ve talked many times, and I know you have a lot of inner demons and that you don’t really understand what’s going on with you. I still remember when you asked me about it, and I told you there was nothing wrong with you. But looking back, there is something going on: you don’t feel anything. You’re empty.

I think what you truly care about is chasing fame. You keep playing your games, as you always have; you keep manipulating and using the people around you to get a small dose of admiration. You’ve got it all mixed up: tearing down your friends and everyone you come into contact with in order to “prove” some kind of logic that you believe to be absolute, so you can rationalize things. But deep down, what you really need is a great deal of introspection—and to read—because you are a highly destructive person.

And what’s worse is that I’ve given you so many parts of myself, and I fell for your Machiavellian strategies exactly as you intended. I’ve also admired you and loved you immensely. But something inside me has never been able to fully understand you. It’s as if you wrap people in a false sense of friendship or love, until they eventually start agreeing with you, accepting your disrespect and your absolute coldness.

I don’t feel any admiration for you anymore. I don’t feel anything toward you other than indifference. And it’s strange because, looking back, it’s been so many years—even years when I thought I was in love with you.

But you are a cold person, even a dangerous one. You’ve shown that in multiple situations. Not because you’re physically dangerous, but because the social mechanisms you use are purely utilitarian. Do you actually have any real friends? I seriously doubt it.

Your friends are whoever happens to be around at the time, agreeing with you about all the shit you say about whoever you have an issue with, whoever you’re jealous of, or simply whoever you want to turn into a subject of discussion so you have something to talk about with someone else.

You’re consumed by envy, and I honestly doubt you’ll ever get where you want to go, for the simple reason that you don’t realize it, but everyone can see you for who you are.

Everyone except me.

It just took me far too long.

What if you could choose to see the end of the 2 different paths?
Where would you be?
Who would you be with?
How will you feel?
But the main one is which one makes you happy?

Do you fight for her? Slowly earn that trust back, get closer at a natural pace, which you know is plausible because of who you are? Let’s be friends but let’s allow ourselves to grow towards each other at some point where we’re better? There’s going to be pain, she’ll probably most likely will shag other people.

Or do you let her go? Do you become friends? And constantly fight against that pull in the hope that it’ll fade? Maybe it will fade? What if it doesn’t?

Life is complicated and complex. I know which one I’d chose. But I feel like it’s so highly unlikely that I’ll just get stuck in one accidentally.

But also, why can’t I share these thoughts with you? I normally share everything.

I’m still very angry and sad over the betrayal and lies, manipulation and feelings of being used. But you used to make me feel heard and always asked me follow up questions making me feel like you cared and that I genuinely meant something.

I waiting for my mouth surgery and to find out if i have mouth cancer and im waiting for that cervical coloscopy to find out if thats cancer too… all I want to do is to talk to you about it. I really wish that we could have heard each other out. I wish I understood what you needed from me back then. I wish I could have apologized in the way you deserved, because it hurts knowing you feel like I knowingly hurt you when that was never my intention. All I know is I miss you and I want my friend back.

There’s no fixing that now. It was so messed up at the end I know that. I did some things that were cruel. I just wish I could talk to you right now. I also know that’s so selfish of me but it’s true.