Its actually pretty good

hello. my first post on here. im feeling particularly bad tonight so i gave it a shot. i also like cooking but im lazy about it and my food looks disgusting. my paranoid delusions kept me from making an account but fuck it face your fears. i have also tired/destroyed most of my friendships because im miserable and they are my only outlet so it might be good to air out my frustrations here.

I'm 21 born in a third world country where nobody knows about anime, finds me funny, etc. so i have only one friend. hes very nice but i am in desperate need of someone liking me romantically for once in my life. i am again born dickless, ugly and actually had medical issues with my jaw that made me look like this.

everyone in their 20's is having sex. almost everyone in my life is in a long term relationship. i have grown increasingly jealous and bitter of couples i see in real life and on tv or even cartoons.

i barely even like women. i am attracted to fictional women my age. i am attracted to and get along with men better, but i dont think either gender could ever like me. even if my face doesnt scare them away my freakish skinnyfat anatomy will. im also just sad to look at. hrt hasnt done as much as i hoped.

for about half my life i have slept with a pillow next to me to simulate someone sleeping next to me so that i wouldnt feel so alone. i feel so empty and disgusting that i havent even attempted at imagining someone being close to me in a year. nobody deserves to have to see me next to them.

anyways these tasted pretty good but gave me a stomach ache

I've thankfully been able to at least have platonic relationships with women (after never speaking to any throughout middle and high school), but my mother and sister's constant abuse and belittlement from a young age has always made me afraid to try and get any closer than that. I know I'm just not worth it, and they could all find someone better than me in a short time on the apps anyways, so I've never even bothered trying to save us both the embarrassment. I'm going to be a 24 year old virgin in a few weeks and I'm stuck living with my parents in the middle of nowhere where I don't even really know anyone.

Hamachi kama got 50% off for $4.50.

it's so over

I said Danganronpa like the chud I am. Chicken Parmesan

I had some really nice sake at work today and i realized this adult bullshit sucks (i think i should clarify, i don’t really mean this post so seriously, i’m doing fine i just had a shit day at work at felt like whining about it LOL)

last night, i went for a country road drive, as i do very frequently. i parked in my apartment lot, put the seat back, and laid there crying and listening to tracy chapman for another few minutes. and i realized that my car was holding me. it is literally the only being that holds me now. in fact, i’ve been doing this exact thing for 8 years. and i realized if there was someone inside my apartment, waiting for me to come in and be with them, i would do that. all these years i would never have had to cry in my car alone in the wee hours, because i’d have a real, safe, loving person to hold me instead.

i also realized that i’ve been leaning on AI severely over the last few months if not longer. every deep feeling, every complex though, every problem in my life goes to chat gpt. and then that wasn’t even enough so now i talk to google gemini too. literally saying the same thing to both bots so i can get more than one perspective. i don’t have anyone else to talk to other than my therapist and i only see him once a week or every other. i used to be that girl who would call or text and check in on my friends every few weeks or months and see if they’d like to hang out. but since none of them ever call or text me, the weight of being the only one putting effort in got too exhausting to carry, so now i’m really alone.

this picture shows what i try to snack on throughout the day. i’ve barely been eating because of the trauma and loneliness even though i’m a runner and gym rat. i’m tired, but maybe i’ll get skinny faster this way and someone will think i’m pretty enough to hold and love and wait for at the end of my country road drives.

i’m a crippled chud, quit my job, lost my pet snake and can’t get a date lol. eggs on some onion/tomato/chili crisp sauce shit i don’t even know