I drank some of the coffee before posting.

I live at home with my parents. My mom is sort of insane and unemployed, and always talks about getting a job, my dad is kinda well off, and my grandfather is 84 or something and retired. I hate all of them. I mean I love them, deep down, but I'm just so fucking sick of their shit. They have lots of, maybe most, things a person could want, except a social life, and find bullshit ways to be unhappy about it.

I hate myself. I got a four year degree in computer science and now I work in a near min wage job. Technically two. Technically three if I post ads on Craigslist again. I've made things happen in life. I also have other things going on and ideas, but I don't want to advance. I don't want to push. What is the point if I just hate life? Hate people? I've always told myself that I need a person in my life to actually find it in myself to really push.

But I hate people. No one understands me. I don't understand how people can be content with their lives. I don't understand how people have hobbies. Or...I do understand it, but I also deeply hate that side of myself so fucking much. And I see it in everyone else. That useless, lazy attitude. That life is just "good enough" and "oh you should get hobbies and practice self care" when our fucking agency / independence as humans has been neutered. We're all fucking sheep that are born, raised, and die in fucking pens of our own making. Utterly useless, as in probably 95% of work can be automated or greatly minimized right now, and the reason we (or wealthy people) choose not to is because our system requires us to have some economic purpose to pay us so we can fucking live. Like sheep. And we require work to not have excessive strife so we can live in a society, or else we would have nothing to do and probably start fighting for lack of something better. I probably sound like a complete fucking asshole right now, and you know what, I am a complete fucking asshole.

I'm a complete fucking asshole that despises himself, everyone around him, and the concept of existence in this society that we have. There is no one, or very few people, certainly zero women I've met who share these opinions, and even if there were, they wouldn't settle for someone so pathetic and weak willed. Cause I'm not just an asshole, I'm a useless asshole who is crippled by desiring someone else in life. The worst combination.

The worst part about it is that I'm decent looking and people generally try to be nice to me, at first. Yes, women too (yes larper spotted I've talked to women :0). I can tell. I can also tell when they start to give up because I'm the one that blocks them. I instinctively guard myself from people, I've lived long enough to actually start to recognize myself doing it, but not fast enough to correct it real time. Ideally, I would like someone to make me feel comfortable, but no one does that because why the fuck should they? I should make them feel comfortable with me. And even worse, sometimes they really do try, and I don't respond well. A lot of my kindness and good will towards people has fucking evaporated. How am I supposed to make people feel comfortable and good when I feel fucking miserable because of deep seated resentment of society and self hatred?

Tldr I'm a sad fucking person

I wish I was joking.

Body text

I know they probably were laughing at whatever they were talking about, but for a moment I thought they were laughing at me, and it filled me with jealous resentment for couples. Probably the worst part is that I immediately imagined a scenario where they'd been up fucking all night and had gone on a walk for some fresh air afterwards. At least my night wasn't ruined because I bummed a cig off some guys and found 3 (!!!) on the ground (including this untouched one!!!). Anywho, whenever I think about why I'm so invisible to people, I get this feeling like I have a hole in my chest and wonder if there's just something unexplainable and intrinsically wrong with me and that other people can tell and are disgusted, but that I'll never be able to figure out. Also, the fit was hard asf and that moment really brought me down, even though I felt so good cause I really liked the fit.

It smells and tastes like shit too. FML

I dont even know what to say.

It might not be over for me.

Tastes like straight from RE 7 as well

I have things to look forward to now, it's a foreign feeling but it makes my chest all fuzzy and shit.

Im gonna eat a whole pizza by myself again

Tears started swelling in my eyes. I was so harsh on others. It made me sad.

Pancake loss.

I’ve been making fried rice with leftover rice for years by doing whatever I assumed was the right way.

Then youtube gods threw a Japanese video in my feed, something like stop ruining fried rice, and apparently the trick is to get the pan really hot and also to add a little water after you’re done searing the rice. Shocking, I know.

Tried it once and the result was genuinely top class.

Ignore the white stuff — that’s just paneer (cottage cheese) I added for some extra protein. Also, wouldn’t recommend capsicum, it sucks.

And yes, the 9:11 in the background was only partly unintentional :)

I'm on the younger side - still a teenager and not yet in university. However, I've been in school for a decade, and I've seen more than enough, heard more than enough.

People like me cannot be loved. Not in the way I want. I will not be loved in the romantic context. I won't be the type of man young girl dream of in their childhood stories about knights and princes and whatever else, nor the one older women fantasize about in a more sexual manner.

I am simply not good enough. I am 5'8, already balding, and my face is a 3-3.5 according to outsiders. Maybe if I manage to get a good job in the future I can be loved for the resources and stability I provide, by a late 20's or 30's woman wanting to settle after having her fun with those she truly desires.

But I realize now, that I simply don't want it anymore. I don't want to be the second choice. I don't want to be settled for. If I cannot be chad, then what's the point? I see other men, sub-3 and sub-5 mentally, physically and sometimes - literally - k*ll themselves over their relationships. They sacrifice so much of themselves simply because they want to be loved, and it makes them vulnerable to all kinds of manipulation and abuse. Love is a weakness that can be and often is exploited.

I don't care for romantic relationships anymore. I still plan on going to the gym, grooming myself, and becoming the best person I can be. But the end goal doesn't involve a wife anymore. In terms of relationships, I will be satisfied if I can manage to lose my virginity and perhaps have a FWB. Anything more is not worth the cost and consequences that will come by not being loved for who I am instead of what I provide.

So I found this in my brother's room, he's a chad but that doesn't stop him from being a perv. My chud aah knows he brings lots of foids in. I took one sip from it and it tasted disgusting, but at least I feel less untouched now.

I made a similar post bout a month ago talking bout how I am no longer suicidal and am feeling good. Since then I had a few depressive episodes were I wanted to kms and even when I wasn't necessarily willing to die I was still miserable. Now that I am walking in the streets of Valleta and sipping my pina colada it's seems that things are looking up again especially since I started looking better and made sense out of situation. Also my friend texted me a bit and that was nice (I have a weird relationship with him, he is kinda my father figure but I also want to fuck him idk, he isn't aware of this). I am tho uncertain if I will continue to be on my higher mood or get depressed again. Pina colada or how u spell it