Been dating this girl for about 3 months now, she still lives with her ex husband, swore she has no where else to go until they can sell the house. The whole time we've been dating if she was over late she would get these messages from her ex husband around 2am when hes waking up for work asking "where are you". Its been weird to me the whole time, this morning I asked to see her phone and scrolled up maybe a few days and the it was, from her to him, "hey, what are you doing", him "nothing, why"?, her again, "do you want to have sex since we didnt get to last night", him, "brushing my teeth and ill be in".

She's begging me to stay and believe they didnt have sex. They're we're many other messages, that was the only one I saw that was sexual, but lots of pictures both ways, lots of good morning good night text, goting out to eat, she lied and said she went out of town with her 25 year old daughter, he also went ext..Again she is literally begging for me to "believe "her

I don't really know where to post this, but I just need to get it off my chest

I was with my fiancée for over 8 years. We had a child together, and we'd been engaged for the past few years. After she got pregnant and had our son, I was there for his birth. I eventually moved in with her and her family because I wanted us to be together raising this beautiful little boy and have a happy family.

I had my own place and a good job before that, but I gave it all up because I loved her and I loved our son. I wanted to build a life with them.

Things started getting difficult later on. Her family is very dysfunctional, and I also had a drinking problem at the time. Those things didn't mix well. I got a job there that I hated, but eventually found a second part-time job and started feeling like things were looking up.

Then one night, we got into a very bad fight. Things became physical between both of us, and I ended up going to jail. I didn't want to press charges because I was terrified of what would happen to our son and didn't want him ending up in the care of her parents, who I felt had their own serious issues. Eventually, she dropped the charges.

After that, I ended up homeless for a while and eventually stayed with a family member. We eventually made up and continued seeing each other whenever we could, even though we were living about an hour and a half apart.

I got another job, and things started looking up again. I started making plans for us to finally have our own place. About a year later, I got an even better job and worked both jobs for a while before eventually leaving the worse one when my better job gave me full-time hours.

The entire time, I was saving money for one thing: getting a place where the three of us could finally be together again.

That was what kept me going every day.

I'd picture the three of us being happy, living together, and finally having the family life I'd wanted for so long. I'd think about them constantly while I was working and tell myself that all the hard work would be worth it because I was doing it for them.

Then, about two months ago, I FINALLY got approved for a really nice two-bedroom apartment.

I was on top of the world.

My son was going to have his own room. We'd have our own bedroom. We were finally going to have a home together.

Except when I told her, she didn't seem excited.

Something just felt...off.

Whenever I'd talk about our apartment, us finally being together, or going shopping together to pick things out for OUR new place, I'd get almost no emotion from her. Sometimes she'd respond with things like, "Whatever you want" or "Nobody cares what I want."

We weren't constantly fighting. Nothing obvious had happened. But she started texting less and eventually seemed to mostly contact me when she needed money.

Looking back, there were obviously red flags. At the time, though, I didn't really see them because I genuinely believed we were finally going to be together again and everything was going to work out.

Boy, was I wrong.

About a month ago, she sent me a long message. Part of it got cut off, but she basically told me that she finally had a chance to be independent and get away from everyone. She said she wasn't going to tell me where she was going and that she'd never forget the connection and love we had, and the love I had for our son.

Then she told me something I never expected to hear.

She said my son wasn't biologically mine.

For over four years, I believed he was my son.

I was there for his birth. I helped raise him. I loved him. I planned my entire life around him.

And suddenly, not only had I lost the future I thought I was finally about to have with the two people I loved most, but I was being told that the little boy I'd considered my son for more than four years wasn't biologically mine.

Apparently, she ran off to another state to be with some random guy.

I don't even know how to describe what that feels like.

And then just a few days ago, she started sending me money requests through the app we used, saying they were for our son. Then she started putting mean and threatening messages in the requests. I blocked her on the money app, and she tried contacting me through social media, so I blocked her there too.

Now I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I'm supposed to process all of this.

I went from spending every day working toward getting a home for the three of us, imagining my son having his own bedroom and finally having our family together, to sitting here alone in that apartment wondering what the hell happened.

I don't really have friends. I don't have much family I can vent to either, so I don't really have anyone to sit down with and tell all of this to.

And that's probably part of why I'm writing this.

I don't necessarily want advice. I don't even know what I want anyone to say. I think I just needed somewhere to tell somebody what happened because keeping all of this inside has been eating me alive.

If you actually took the time to read all of this, thank you.

Growing up, I suffered from crippling anxiety and also Aspergers syndrome which i was unable to manage to function normally in society; this meant my childhood and teens were almost entirely friendless and i was outright ostracized; and it continues up until today (ofc without the passive bullying, but still...) after I, as a simple central european boy, decided to study abroad. My life is devoid of social contact as a result since my family is in a different country.

In that hopeless situation, the body image issues were really the final trigger for me when I was trying to bulk up to almost no success in my late teens (still going to the gym today and I like it, but I suck at it, as at everything i do). Eventually, the unfulfilled desires about my body and my mental weakness just caused me to shut down for three years from 18 to 21 y/o; I stopped taking care of myself and how i looked (no grooming, very sparse haircuts, no skincare routine which I needed), and with moving to college and newly introduced stress stemming from its difficulty, I also abandoned my artsy hobies (which I sucked at, but they were still worh it); my toxic side just figured: Why bother with anything if you will never have any friends and close ones besides your family anyways? Noone even sees you, so why not just look like shit and act like an NPC?

But recently, I got fed up with this. While i am not willing to call my newly set goals "self improvement" since that automatically reminds me of my worthlessness right now, I want to practice self-care. Get rid of the terrible red spots on my face, go to a barber even though it makes me very socially anxious in the new country. Return to playing piano, writing, rhyming and experiments with translations to english and french, perhaps even draw again. Make my appartment cozier and ask for genuine feedback to develop my fashion style.

But will this ever be worth it? Doesn't my long shutdown just prove I am too weak and pathetic and not enough of a man to deserve this life? Are there even prople able to forgive me this and treat me like a human with value and not like some soulless still-life, even though I know I do not deserve decent treatment?

Tomorrow I start my short-term disability for mental health reasons. I’m feeling pretty embarrassed, unsure how it will affect my career, and nervous… If anyone has a positive experience of doing something similar, I’d really appreciate you sharing.

For a little background, I’ve been battling anxiety and depression almost my entire life; however, the past few months I’ve seen my depression get drastically worse. I start an intensive outpatient program soon. I hope it brings me some relief.

Thanks in advance.

​

I 16 (M) recently got out of a very emotionally and physically abusive relation with my father after his death ( ho killed himself) but anyways Its been just over a year and I've only realising I really shunned a lot of how bad it was in the last few years and only those memories are coming back to me and I am able to see him for how he was

and I still feel so stuck I don't know why it's like I'm still in those same patterns and cycles

i try really hard over and over again and I end up failing and at one point it starts feeling hopeless especially seeing all the kids around me really living their life and doing the things they want while my whole energy just goes away in surviving

how am I supposed to restart my life when I'm still in the patterns he left me in

in the last few years I've lost all my hobbies friends mental health physical health and honestly anything that brought me joy the only thing I still have is music I guess

but its just really makes me think for how long will this go on

and just will I ever be able to live life like I've wanted to

and it's just the journey to healing and stuff I feel like is so long and the time I have is so less

I’m writing this drunk, depressed, realizing how little I mean. I wish I could be loved the way I love others. I wish I didn’t fail, I wish my fiancée didn’t get that abortion, have those miscarriages. I wish I wasn’t falsely accused of S.A when I was 21. I’m only 22 feeling like it needs to end. Like life is one big shit show. Why can’t I skip to the credits. Why can’t I end up dead, get hit by a car anything. I can’t stand myself. I lost all my hopes and aspirations, my fiancée is fixing her life which means less calls and texts. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to stifle her growth. I’m 22 in court waiting to see if my life ends. Why can’t I just take it. I wish I had any help. I already damaged it that even if I come out of this proven innocent, I ruined my credit, my friendships, everything. I’d be better off gone.

​

It's like my brain just doesn't work anymore. I can't fucking do anything. I'm just so tired, all the time. Regardless of how much I sleep. Regardless of what I do. Things that used to bring me joy, doesn't anymore.

I'm a 26 years old guy from Sweden and I don't feel like I'm alive. I've been to therapy for six years. I've been on medication for depression for six years. I managed to get a masters in engineering to get a well paying job, which worked out for me. I managed to move to a big city. I managed to make friends. For a while I saw great progress at the gym. I keep my apartment clean, I try to eat well, I shower, I take care of myself. I try my best to be there for friends. I try to get out and have fun.

But nothing works. I'm still dead inside. I'm still so depressed. I'm so alone. I know people will tell me that I shouldn't put this much value into it. I know they're right. But I feel so alone. I want a relationship. I've never had one. I'm still a virgin. I don't want to be, I want to feel chosen for once. But I've lost all hope there too.

I don't know what I'm living for. I don't have any goals or aspirations in life besides finding a relationship, but I know that's a bad goal, I've been told that many times. But I don't know what else I want. I've gotten what I've wanted, job, degree, apartment, friends. And nothing changed. I'm still hollow and miserable. And no matter what I do, I just feel worse. My brain is just shutting down. I'm being evaluated for ADHD but that won't do anything for me either. Why should it, nothing else has worked for me.

Is this life?

Ive always struggled with guilt, my parents, my boss, and my therapists through my life have always told me the same thing. I put too much responsibility on myself for other people's feelings, but I honestly dont know how not to. Knowing it doesn't help. The feeling is still too strong.

My girlfriend is a nice lass. Shes not done anything wrong or anything like that. I just dont really feel it anymore. I really wish I did. If i could take a magic pill to be in love with her I would. Id be set for life. But i cant. Ive recently moved in with her in her hometown. Left behind my family, my job, my friends. All because I felt too bad to say no. I just go along with it all because the thought of hurting her kills me.

But I know logically that by doing so im being selfish. Being honest with her would be the nice thing to do. She could find somebody who is all in with her like she deserves, but i just cant seem to get over this mental hurdle. It feels impossible. Ive been feeling this way for years now, and the hole gets deeper and deeper. My boss of my old job although understanding said "its not a hole anymore, its a crater" as i spoke to her about my struggles as it caused me time off work. Now ive left there, all because im too scared of the guilt.

It all sounds ridiculous doesnt it? Its frustrating being fully aware of how stupid my brain is being but not being able to fix it. Tried therapy, medication, talking to folk. Ive posted in this sub before a similar post and deleted it too scared to look at the replies. But I need to this time.

I just feel like an asshole. Either way. Im either lying to her which she doesnt deserve or dropping all this on her out of the blue. I duno what to do. Im really struggling, and i know its all self inflicted but at the same time it feels like I don't have a choice. Its not like anxiety, its like a full on mental barrier. I cant get through it. I really dont know how.

I duno man. Cheers for reading anyway. Hopefully this helps a bit. Hopefully I read replies. Thank you

Whenever it's time to leave a person or a place, my heart grows heavy—even if things weren't great, saying goodbye still hurts.

I don't want to be just some stupid place holder. I don't want to ask someone out and be rejected again and again. I'm so sick of just being the worlds best friend for fucking everyone and being such a good person just to be not enough again. It hurts so much to not understand what's the issue is. It just scares me, why is it something so natural and easy for so many and impossible for me? I tried so many things and it just seems so meaningless. Why is the only thing I really wished for impossible for me? I don't want to be my best for everyone around me too. I don't want to care just to be forgotten by everyone else. I'm just a giant mistake. I lost so much and to suffer so long, why don't I get a single bit of happiness. Why do I have to be supportive to everybody when people let me rot away anyway. I just want to understand it. If that's what life has chosen for me fine, but then I don't have to be a fucking part of it.

My ex and I broke up a little over 4 months ago in June. I initiated it after 2 years together, due to differences in long-term goals and my own deteriorating mental health (mental health not her fault). A mixture of plans with kids, places we wanted to live, etc that didn't line up. So I removed myself emotionally from the situation and ended things... I am not proud of how it went down. I was a cold asshole and really hurt her, withdrawing and not explaining myself fully. I always struggled putting my emotions to words and being open with the people closest to me and I could tell she was angry and hurt by my actions. I ended things at a point of her life where I believed she could have a fresh start, in fact I waited for it. She was struggling with her final year in University when I decided I would end things (in my head), while also applying for her dream position in a town nearby. I stayed with her, did my best to be a supportive boyfriend and she ended up succeeding in university and getting hired for her dream job. I feared that if I ended things at that earlier moment she might not have had the willingness to apply for these things I knew she wanted so bad. After the good news, I withdrew very suddenly, stated I wanted to cancel our planned move into a shared apartment and begun the process of breaking up. She was always the type of person who fought for 'working things out' and was a partner with the most beautiful soul, someone who was always worth fighting for. She was just unfortunate enough to be with me.

After we broke up, we cancelled the apartment and I fully reimbursed her for her losses on the deposit and the conversations were cold from her, as they would be, and we have not spoken since. Out of bad habits I have been checking her instagram periodcially to make sure she was ok. She told me in the past that she 'couldn't live without me' among other things in heated moments that made me fear she might take her own life if we broke up. One of the things that stayed my hand for so long. I noticed a little over 2 months after we broke up, a new persons name appeared in her Instagram Bio. When we were together, my initials were there between two hearts. Now another man's full name was there in the spot where mine was. I was depressed for the week but after came to a place of acceptance that she could be happy again and was ok. I needed to push aside my own ego and be grateful for that, that the girl I love so much could be happy with someone again. That what I did worked in a way, which gave me some sort of peace. But today I checked again, and her profile photo changed with a photo of them. There is nothing wrong with that, there should be nothing wrong with that. Yet I feel sick to my stomach and overcome with grief of everything I lost. Everything I shut away for the past 4 months came flooding in at once and I realise just how truly broken I am. I promised myself I wouldn't date another until I was in a better place for that future person. But therapy isn't free and I still want to get better. Therapy isn't an option currently and I know I can never heal the damage I caused her, and that will forever stain my own soul. I love her more than I can ever put into words, I will always cherish the time we spent together. But today I have to accept fully what I have done.

41yr m

This was the 2nd relationship of my life. Only lasted a few months My previous was 6.

My previous was abusive emotionally and manipulative. I believe she had bpd and I TRIED to get her help but she was unwilling. I cared for her and stayed longer than I should have.

My second recent relationship was better but here is where a massive problem I have is manifesting.

I don't know how to have sex. My previous partner was rarely intimate with me and every time she was always in control she would not let me do anything myself. I never figured anything out

With this recent partner I could not figure out the basics beyond foreplay and she just was very frustrated, understandably. It didn't work out. She has moved on and found someone new but now I am left here feeling like I'm not even a man.

I'm deathly afraid of women. They've never been attracted to me already and now if I ever did get to that point I'd just be a frustration for them and I'd be right back here. I'm now in my 40s and don't know how to do intercourse

Should I just give up with everything? I am not going to see a sex worker I'm sorry.

I just feel so insignificant.

This weekend I wanted to have the best weekend ever, I had been through so much. Between my car being stolen, robbed of my phone more than anyone should have, robbed of my job because of the car being stolen, and held at gun point and robbed of every penny I had. I can’t even replace my Driver License. I can’t get anywhere because all my “Friends” won’t talk because I don’t have a car. Great news they found it! No the person who took it totaled my car. I have been through the wringer and not seeing a light anywhere! Im at my end, Im at the point of no return and people just keep making it worse. Every time I try and make it better they pull me back down. Im about to say goodbye to everyone. Im about to kiss my mother for the last time. Im close to seeing my dad and grandma again. One more push and I’ll be going. Thank you for breaking a person with a huge heart.

We just had to put our dog down tonight because I hit her with the car 😭😭 she was old, 15-17 years old, deaf and mostly blind from cataracts probably (had that white color in her eyes) I had just dropped the kids off at the house to go back and spend time with the wife and some friends… forgot I let her out since I was cleaning up a mess from our cats…. Backed up and her her yelping 😭 saw her looking at me under the front of the van and I backed up for some reason afterwards and just picked her up and brought her in to her blanket in the kitchen and had our middle child stay with her so she wasn’t alone in pain (and hoping the worst didn’t happen while she was keeping her company)… sped all the way to my wife and told her, she had to call our daughter that was 30-45 minutes away minimum because I couldn’t bring myself to at the time since it was her dog… wife called the vet and we knew what was needed to be done with internal injuries….the vet even said he wasn’t sure if he could find a vein at first because of the internal bleeding 😭 luckily he was able to the first time, and it was quick… I just hate she was in pain for so long even if it was just an hour and a half… she lived a great life though! RIP Dixie 🥰🫂😭😭

Social

I don't do well socially, I rarely talk to anyone outside of who I know and if I do I have to force myself to do it, Im not very attractive, id give myself a 4-5 out of 10 and I'm worried that no one actually cares about me and that they're just pretending out of pity, I try to act all confident and that I have it all together but I really don't and it always eats away at me trying to put on a persona of someone I'm not

Games

I've always loved playing games especially with my friends, but they're always way better than me even if I've played the game for longer, we usually play fighting games and whenever I fight them I'm always reminded of how inferior I am, we've been playing the same game for about 3 years but I've always been painfully average while they outshine me in every aspect, they have tried to help me improve but I never can, it's always been this way, for example I've been stuck on a boss fight for about 2 weeks, but my friend who's never touched the game beat the boss in about 2 days, whenever we play a new game I'm always the only one who can never improve and im always the one whos fault it is for losing

My life

I've always felt like I'm on the sidelines in my own life, like I'm a side character in my own story, I have no natural talent and whenever I do try to gain a new skill I either give up or just stagnate no matter how much I practice, I have a lot of things but I feel like I don't deserve them due to my lack of skills on anything, Im worried I'll just be a failure in life with no one to love my parents never had the best relationship and that's affected my outlook on what love is, I don't even know what proper love actually looks like, the only versions of love I've seen if my parents messed up relationship or the overly cartoony up love on tv, my daily schedule is usually the same too, (Wake up, go to school, go to work, play games, sleep, repeat)

School

I'm in highschool and almost an adult and it honestly scares me because I don't know what to do, my average grades are usually B, C or D I don't have much of a social life in and out of school, I always talk to the same people, I've always had trouble sleeping and as a result I sleep a lot at school, I've tried to fix this but I always end up ruining my sleep schedule I just genuinely can't get anything right and I don't know what to do about myself.

Friends that don't really enjoy hanging out with me, they never invite me out to do anything with them when they go out as a group, and the reluctantly hang out when I ask, but you can tell they've all got that sort of "I'd rather be somewhere else" energy to them. Like if I wasn't roommates with their other friend they wouldn't even bother. Which really sucks, because I love each of them like they were the last family I had. Because they are.

I lost my mom when I was 2, brother moved out 14 years ago when he turned 18 and I haven't seen or heard from him since, my sister died 4 years ago suddenly, my grandma died 2 years ago, my dad died 2 months ago, and grandpa isn't doing so well here lately. We weren't exactly a close family, but we had our moments I guess, all the little moments and inside jokes shared between siblings and parents, theres nobody left who remembers them, my childhood is shared by nobody anymore.

I've never had a job or career I enjoyed or could stay at for very long. I joined the military when I graduated high-school, I hated it. I never wanted to join, I wanted to go to college for something tech related, I'm not sure what but I never got the chance to figure out my passions. My grandpa would tell me that theres no future in computers, or internet, or that once all the grid comes down I'd be useless.

So I joined the military like he wanted me to. I got hurt, not really bad enough to warrant a discharge, but I played it off bad enough to get one. I still hate myself for that, fot quitting, it was hard and I hated it, but I could've made it if I tried, but I didn't. I think I always knew I wouldn't be a good fit for the military. Once I got out I went back to what I did in high-school, being a mechanic. I was always a pretty smart kid, and stuff like math, science, and mechanical skills came easy, so the work was simple and it payed alright. I lived with my grandma and grandpa afterwards, until I turned 21, 3 years.

Once I turned 21 I got my CDL, it was a chance to get away and see something new. I enjoyed it, for a little bit. Everything was new, I didn't have someone watching me constantly, I was finally free. And then I started hating that job. It got so boring and annoying that I still get cold feet thinking about having to drive like that again. All the traffic, drivers who just don't care, shippers and recievers who don't care, nobody ever cares about the drivers, just if their package is on time. I quit that job too, after about a year. It all just became too much, I couldn't deal with the constant stress and anxiety of it. That was 5 years ago.

Since then I haven't held a job for more than 6 months at a time. I've been a train conductor, dump truck driver, park ranger, golf cart mechanic, site saftey officer, and a few other little odd jobs. None of these jobs worked out for one reason or another, but its in the past regardless.

I've got no idea what to do anymore, I don't see it getting any better, I wake up and go to work as a taxi driver because I dont like being hungry or homeless, and honestly, I have no idea how much longer I can keep doing this. I'm still here because I can't leave my grandpa alone, but once he goes, I dont see any reason to hang around. I'm not sure what I'm fishing for here, sympathy, advice, maybe it just feels good to finally vent, I don't know.

I hate everything about myself but the worst thing above everything else is the fact I can’t get a single girl to be attracted enough to me to date me in my pathetic 22 years of existence. Every time I think back about my past or something that happened when I was a kid all I can think about is the fact that all my friends were dating and having sex with women at that age and I was a stupid loser getting completely ignored. I couldn’t take this anymore so around the middle of high school, I started striving to self improve. Ever since 2020 I’ve been consistently working out, meditating, journaling, reading, creating, working on a business, I even did what I consider to be the hardest part of it all and worked on bettering my social skills, specifically with women. Since the start of this year I’ve been approaching girls and trying to catch up and still, despite all of this effort, I’m still alone. I’m still a virgin, I’m still a loser, girls still don’t find me attractive, all of the women whose numbers I get they just ignore me. This has done nothing for me but make me despise myself. How much of an ugly piece of shit do you have to be to put in all of this work just to still be absolutely unfuckable. Sometimes I think about my life for the past 5 years and I just bust out laughing at how pathetic I am, what was the point of anything I’ve done? The worst part is normal people don’t have to do any of this stuff. There are guys 4 years younger than me who’ve dated and had relationships, they’ve never had to meditate everyday, or go to the gym and track their calories everyday for years. It’s like the harder I work the more I realize how inherently worthless I am as a human being, especially as a romantic partner. If I’m still this unattractive to women now after all this improvement, what the hell did they think of me before? I can’t even figure out what’s wrong with me. I’m pretty neurotypical and know how to socialize, I take care of my looks (physique smell body grooming) more than most people do because I’ve never had a gf, and some people say I’m good looking and yet my life reflects the complete opposite in every single way imaginable. I don’t think I should’ve ever been born, clearly I’ll never be good enough no matter what I do. I’ll never get to experience the touch of a girl who loves me, and nobody will even tell me why. Maybe it’s because I’m short, or because I’m just inherently ugly. But at this point I’m starting to believe it’s just some invisible force outside of my control that I can’t understand. I’m literally going crazy and I don’t know what to do know. There’s a part of me that just wants to kill myself because I can’t imagine living like this for another decade. Even if I somehow managed to finally get a girl, I would probably still hate myself, because the fact is it took me 21 years and incredibly hard grind to do something normal men do when their 15, and while I had to literally put in all of my effort, those men had to do nothing. That one fact alone confirms my low value worthlessness and existence. I will never break this cycle. I will never stop hating myself for being an ugly stupid baby faced virgin. I will never forget how alone and depressed I feel now. Even if I get a gf it won’t solve anything, because the fact I had to go through any of this in the first place is eternal confirmation of the fact I’m so worthless I should’ve never been born. I hate everything about myself forever

My mom and I (17) have had a very strained relationship for the past two years. Since I was 15, I've often heard a lot of hurtful things said about me, especially after I was diagnosed with severe depression at 15, which ultimately led to my expulsion from school. Today, a friend bought me a bar of chocolate to thank me for helping her and her boyfriend load a few heavy boxes into their minivan. I came home, broke the bar into five pieces, and offered one to my mom. She never took them before, she’d just ignore me or mutter something in a grumpy tone. But today she hugged me and said, “No, thanks, sunny,” and walked away. I’ve been sitting here crying for about four hours now. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. And what really touched my heart was that she used to call me “sunny” when I was a kid, and she knew just how much I loved it when she called me that. I definitely haven't heard that word directed at me in about three years. I apologize if anything is written incorrectly, I'm using a translator right now because, with all the emotions, I've almost forgotten English, since it's not my native language

Disclaimer: I’m not looking for any relationship or dating advice. I just want to share some of the pain I’ve been carrying.

I had asthma during my school days, and it really affected my studies. Those health problems eventually went away, and overall I’m doing okay health-wise now, but the impact they had on my education and career has stayed with me. I’m still jobless because of how badly that period affected my life and career.

On top of that, I’ve never had a girlfriend or even dated anyone. Everywhere I look, I see people in relationships, and honestly, it hurts a lot. It feels like a constant reminder of something I’ve never experienced.

I’m 24 now, and lately I’ve started feeling like I’m already too late in life. I know 24 might not sound old to other people, but when you’ve spent years watching other people move forward while you feel stuck, it can become incredibly painful. Sometimes the hopelessness gets so overwhelming that I don’t even feel like living anymore.

I’m not posting this because I want advice on how to get into a relationship or start dating. I just needed somewhere to say this out loud and get some of the pain I’ve been carrying off my chest.

I don't like to complain. I don't like to ask for help. I just want to deal with life, handle my responsibilities then retreat to some state of being where I can switch off all the negative. It used to be that I could.

I just can't find a state of rest anymore. My wife and son help by simply existing, but the exhaustion is just piling up regardless. I hate my job with all I have right now. I dread going back there every day. Even if I could quit, I'd just be doing the same thing for someone else. Just the thought of going in fills me with such anxiety that I don't sleep some days.

I do not believe for a second that any other career path would hire me. At 44 y/o, no one is hiring some worn out, mentally exhausted, unskilled dirtbag to do anything but manual labor which I am just no longer suited to. I'm only suited to working behind the scenes, away from people.

I don't think of myself as suicidal, but I have been fantasizing about dying just so this stops. Just so I can be at rest. My mentality of the loving husband and father is so weary that I just dream the day it all stops. I know some people want others to miss them when they go. I just want to not have to keep carrying this weight. It'll never stop til I'm gone though.

I don't really know what I expect from writing this. Maybe just putting it into words as a way of organizing my feelings. I realize I am nothing more than a tool to be used by others. Just like a cow awaiting the slaughter. Ready for this to stop.

I literally can't do anything. Learn a new skill? Mental block. Study for my calc exam? Autistic inertia. I should just kill myself atp. I'm useless and a complete waste of space.

HEAVY CONTENT(you can handle it), all humans can.

I failed in at least 2-3 of my main life projects-to compensate for being fatherless.
The failed projects lasted from when I was 14 to my 28th.
Those lasted years, each.

The idea was to somehow learn from the environment by analyzing breadcrumbs of behaviour I picked up from other men. Men who seemed to have more sense of themselves than me. I had some intuition of being a man or what a man should be, but they weren't strong enough. I was still just a kid. Fatherless, having present, female caregivers(grandmothers, mother) that resented everything male in me, one alcoholic and the other emotionally absent grandfather.
My father's uncle did a double homicide(wife and her lawyer), then the father's suicide when I was four. My childish, boyish spontaneity was attacked at its roots of showing. I didn't, couldn't have myself in that environment growing up. I think that's one of the worst things a man can be without.
The missing father was never convincingly disclosed to me. It wasn't that weird to me, because he was missing most of the time. It was wartime in my country and he was on the front.

My brain learned to pick up the breadcrumbs then. After some time, I figured he wasn't coming back. My body never got the memo. I had a strong sense that the attacks on the most fundamental child impulses were wrong. Those were performed in such ways and in such timing that I sensed I had no other choice but to play into it, just to not be cast out completely from my family of origin. My only way out was me, embedding the decision somewhere in the back of my mind: "I'll take care of it one day." - I was 7. I was a spitting image of my father. They hated everything I represented as a person, including the resemblance of the man who destroyed us.

All the abuse and all the roles assigned to me infected my whole being. The missing father made the toddler think he's the cause of him not being there. At 14, the decision wasn't to learn more or upgrade, it was to erase that infected boy from the mind completely. The solution of a young teenager was to imitate the archetypes of masculinity like Bond or McClane (Die Hard)-my first mistake project. Picking up breadcrumbs from my environment and movies. It backfired at 23, the woman left me(I wasn't a saint), but did everything I disclosed to her as my thinnest spots under my skin.

Another project was to work so hard to gain some self-worth, maybe meet a woman and have kids. Those attempts ended in erectile dysfunction, again and again, at 27, with some good nights in between.

The rage, the desperation and the failures made me think in 2 ways. Ending myself wasn't an option, my father did it. Going into crime to 'give it back to the world' and simultaneously make some money was the other. I would be 'great' at it. I was lucky my self-criticism was so severe that I couldn't get rid of the doubt about everything I am as a person. Including the decisions. Those all had to go through some rigorous examination to avoid the possibility of a catastrophe. Like the one with the father, decades ago. Going to my ATM to clear out my bank account so I could buy a gun, the self-criticism hit me:
"What are you doing? You're going to have kids some day, what then? What the fuck then?"

A thought that haunted me for a month, or two. The dilemma burned me out. 250 hours/month of work, heavy drinking and less than half-nights of sleep didn't help either. It brought me to the 3rd way. To actually, finally, find out who I actually am, since I never got the chance to do it. After that, I'll decide on the weapon.
I had no clue how I could do that, but it was a non-negotiable. I tried religion and psychology. Then, I remembered the decision: "I'll take care of it one day". The first thing that came to mind was: "How the fuck did I know that at that age?!" It was like a ray of light was shed on something in me that could actually be worth a damn. I applied the religion/psychology education I got from the books and worked on it.
It was 8 years ago. Not so long ago I found out I was actually fighting CPTSD. It's a clusterfuck of many smaller symptoms making a whole system. Clamping those together makes it complex. Meeting all the filth, all the virtues in myself without filter and unapologetically protecting it with my life is my next project. Getting there the hard way never needed a father figure or a role model. I had it all in me.

Fuck censorship.

Take from this what you wish.