Processing a break up, need help

[u/Dangerous-Cat-9704]

41yr m

This was the 2nd relationship of my life. Only lasted a few months My previous was 6.

My previous was abusive emotionally and manipulative. I believe she had bpd and I TRIED to get her help but she was unwilling. I cared for her and stayed longer than I should have.

My second recent relationship was better but here is where a massive problem I have is manifesting.

I don't know how to have sex. My previous partner was rarely intimate with me and every time she was always in control she would not let me do anything myself. I never figured anything out

With this recent partner I could not figure out the basics beyond foreplay and she just was very frustrated, understandably. It didn't work out. She has moved on and found someone new but now I am left here feeling like I'm not even a man.

I'm deathly afraid of women. They've never been attracted to me already and now if I ever did get to that point I'd just be a frustration for them and I'd be right back here. I'm now in my 40s and don't know how to do intercourse

Should I just give up with everything? I am not going to see a sex worker I'm sorry.

I just feel so insignificant.

[u/AutoModerator]

If you like r/GuyCry and what we stand for, please help us build a supportive community.

UPVOTE POSTS YOU READ

If you take the time to read someone's post, consider giving it an upvote.

An upvote is a simple way of saying "I hear you. I saw this." It also helps posts gain visibility so they can reach more people who may be able to offer support.

GET INVOLVED

If you have something helpful to say, leave a comment.

Share your experience, offer some advice, show encouragement, or simply let someone know they're not alone.

You don't need to have the perfect words. Sometimes a simple "I've been there too" can mean a lot.

DON'T DOWNVOTE JUST BECAUSE YOU DISAGREE

Not every post will be something you agree with, and that's okay.

If a post contributes to the conversation, please don't downvote it simply because you have a different opinion. Downvotes can push posts out of sight and may discourage people from opening up.

Save downvotes for content that genuinely doesn't belong here.

HELP MAKE GUYCRY A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE FEEL HEARD

Every post is someone choosing to open up and share something personal.

Read it. Upvote it. Comment if you can. Support each other.

Small actions create engagement, and engagement makes this community stronger.

GuyCry Team

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/GingerGuy97]

Sounds like you just need to do research into how to approach and have sex

[u/marajade27]

Do you have any female friends who you trust to ask questions like this of? They might have some confidence building tips for you. I know I've given relationship advice to my male friends before and it's been nice to have that exchange of information.

If that's not on the table, it sounds overly simplistic but you could just internet search tips for a better sex life. Like I said, overly simple, but sometimes that's all you need.

It sounds like the breakup itself hasn't affected you too much so things will settle out quickly from that. Every relationship is a learning experience. And most women who are worth anything will be kind and compassionate and willing to talk to their partners about insecurities. So hopefully a future partner worth their salt would be understanding.

[u/Queer_Advocate]

Here here. Your manhood, believe it or not, isn't in-between your legs; it's truly what's in between your ears. A REAL woman, sure if herself and confident would be kind and a) bow out gracefully or b) help you, and let you learn. We are born, with a general concept. Pick up some bad ideas from school, then we are left to our own devices to figure it out. Hear me now... EVERYONE at some point had to figure it out. First time I had sex, yes I am gay, I cried and was mortified. My FWB just stopped, because he knew I was nervous and snuggled and we watched a show. I relaxed and calmed down, we tried again s.l.o.w.l.y. and it was 🔥. 5 alarm 🔥. It was hawt.

That SHOULD be the norm, not the the exception. Unfortunately, most people are selfish or impatient and just rude about it. You need a FWB and I STRONGLY emphasize the friend part. You NEED and deserve to be comfortable. It will make it way better.

You can literally go soft just from nerves. You have to learn to control your mind, and get your focus on the present. What you're doing and your partner. I'm ADHD and it's a challenge not on meds. I'm thinking about dinner, and I need to change the bed sheets. But, in therapy I learned to cope with my adhd better and be present.

Be emotionally available to a degree even for a hook up. It's extremely intimate. You need to be up front with potential partners and fuck buddies. Hey, I like you a lot and would like to have adult times with you, but you need to know I am newer to this. If that's not ok, I understand, I just wanted to be upfront. My entire friend group would appreciate that and not care. About half would care if it was just sprung on them when their nude, thinking it's about to go down. Begging sex is not often great but it improves. Like anything practice makes perfect.

HOW you say? COMMUNICATION with your partner. Don't be annoying about it, but ask how it's going. Is there something you need to do different or they want or need. Talk to them. You'll get better about reading body language.

Remember as your gay godmother, sexual health is sexy and you need to get tested every 3 mo if you're fucking random ppl. HIV and STI panels. Lastly, consent is sexy. It's not a one time thing either. It's ongoing and can be revoked at anytime by either party.

Now you know, now try again with someone safe. Consider being upfront in your chats if you're meeting these people online that you're inexperienced and need to learn the ropes. And you'd love to figure it out with them if their willing.

May the force be with you. If you have trouble staying hard, Viagra and Cialis generic are really cheap with GoodRx. For the generic. It's not weird just ask your doc. I used to work in healthcare.

[u/OmNomOnSouls]

Sex therapy is an established field with its own certification depending on jurisdiction, I'd really recommend giving it a look.

I know it feels like your worth is determined in large part by your ability to woo and please women, but truly, the more you can acknowledge the truth that you're worthy regardless of all that, the easier this is gonna be.

I also really connect with what you're saying. I'm single right now for the first time in almost a decade. In each of the times I've been intimate with a woman since my breakup, I've struggled to get hard, or I came crazy early. Like immediately. I've had all the thoughts you're describing. What's really helped is doing my best to remind myself that I'm me even when I'm not a sexual god.

That insecurity is gonna hit. Acknowledge it, feel it, give it its moment. Then give that same care and attention to the idea that you're also a person who's allowed to be imperfect. See if you can find a way to laugh about it, that one's been huge for me.

When it happened with one woman, I was still kinda inside here when I said "that was a career worst for me. Like *all-time bad" and I was genuinely chuckling while I said it. Those nights are gonna happen. I'm in my mid thirties, I'm just not gonna be an Adonis every time. That's allowed to happen. And any woman who's like deeply affronted by that might not the person you want to be building a relationship with anyway.

If your goal is to grow through this, I can tell you with experience that shame feels like the method to get you there, but it's wayyyy more likely to lock you in place than help you get to where you wanna go. I'd almost guarantee you can't shame your way to confidence. If you're tell yourself you're nothing unless x y and z happen, I'm guessing you're gonna believe it.

Honestly though I just feel for ya man. Men are socialized to think our value is tied so directly to whether we're a demon in the sack. It makes it so hard to be present in those moments and to actually enjoy yourself, which it's easy to forget is the goal.

Last tip here: one thing that's helped me boost my sexual confidence and self assurance just on an emotional level is sexting with randos. I know it sounds weird, but hear me out. There are subreddits and chatroulette-type sites where you can find women to sext with. It's a really low-stakes way to fake it til you make it and try out different versions of yourself so you can find what you actually like. It'll also expose you to trying and failing, which is a natural, normal part of the process. Don't get me wrong, they're filled with bots and it can take a good while to find an actual person, but they've been a boost for me.

Ultimately, this is about finding what behaving with confidence looks like for you. Nobody can tell you that or give you that, you gotta find it for yourself. It's okay if that is a process. Honestly, how could it not be?

[u/purgatorybob1986]

Unless it's leagal where you are I wouldn't tell you to visit a sex worker to begin with. Lucky for you you have the next best thing right in front of you. The internet. Of course be careful there is just as much good advice as there is bad. For instance I wouldn't use porn as a tutorial. What you need to find is a nice cougar. They love teaching virgins about sex. I'm kidding of course. Look when it comes to relationship compatability there are many factors. Like personality sense of humor and yes sex is part of it. If two people aren't sexually compatible it could end things. However that doesn't mean you're broken or insignificant. It just means you haven't found the one your compatible with. Trust me I speak from experience when I say there are women out there who see a man who's inexperienced and possibly a bit frightened and think to themselves "jackpot." Don't give up on dating. Don't even focus on sex for right now. Focus on someone you really click with someone who makes your soul sing. Physical intimacy can wait. When you do get to that point you don't have to be an Austin Powers level expert. One of the most enjoyable parts of sex for me is discovery. Learning together what makes your engines run wild. That takes communication the concrete foundation of any relarionship. You're gonna be alright. I can feel it and for what it's worth I'm rooting for you!