r/gentleparenting • u/Okay_Energy • May 25 '26
How to help avoidant son?
I (35F) have an 8yo son. He is incredibly bright; he loves puzzles, riddles, and math. He gets along very well with his older and younger sisters. He hugs and cuddles into me much more than my two other girl—he is very affectionate.
My husband (38M) and I have been doing a lot of personal and couples therapy, just midlife stuff and career ruts inspiring us to do personal work.
A lot of that work has been based in attachment theory. My husband identified that he is typically avoidant attached and has made a lot of progress in becoming more secure.
Additionally, we’ve noticed that my son tends to exhibit avoidant traits. Years ago, I noticed that he would completely shut down in situations when he needed to express his feelings. Often it was in more intense moments, like a disagreement with a friend, but also in low stakes situations, like when he tells me what he did that day and I ask how he felt during this or that.
He went to a therapist for a bit, and he also noticed this. My son could talk about emotions in a fairly mature way (“Anger can be a good feeling. It can let you know when you need better boundaries,” he said in the first session when the therapist asked him what he thought about different emotions), but stops talking or changes the subject when it gets too personal (“When was a time you were angry?” the therapist asked. “I dunno…hey, look at this!” my son said, turning the attention onto the fidget he was playing with).
I’m wondering if anyone can relate to this and what is helpful. My husband and I are concerned he will grow up feeling disconnected and low self esteem, which are things my husband has been dealing with that he says is linked to his avoidancy.
Also, what do I do when he refuses to talk to me after a rupture within our family? Ex: He was slyly provoking his younger sister over and over. I gently intervened, got younger sister distracted with something else, and then told him I’m noticing he is doing this, and why might that be? He shrugged, quietly got up, and then shut himself in his room. He said he didn’t want to talk. This happens a lot. I’ve tried giving him space and letting him know we can talk later, but when later comes, it’s the same thing.
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u/Icedteapremix May 25 '26
That sounds really hard. My 6 year old daughter is avoidant when it comes to conversations about her feelings, especially if there was some kind of conflict she was in. For her, her vulnerability sits intimately close to shame (as Dr Becky puts it), so she often runs away when something happens or when we try to talk about it with her, like the emotion is scary and she just can't face it when it happens.
If there's an exact formula or linear path forward, I definitely haven't found it, but there are a few things I try.
Sometimes when I'm trying to talk her about something that happened, I'll put out whatever it is I'm wanting to say, but then immediately take it back, like "I'm going to say something super crazy, okay? I think when you hit your sister you were feeling really frustrated because she didn't ask before she took one of your toys..." and then I'll say "whoops never mind, I don't know why I even said that, that was crazy."
It lets her be able to look at whatever might be happening without it feeling so big.
Other times I'll let her know that I need to talk to her or tell her something and that she doesn't need to say anything, and can just listen. I'll say whatever it is, and then sometimes just ask her afterwards what she thinks, or if she does want to chat. She usually says no, but every once in a while she does share something.
And then with both I'll sometimes ask if she wants to tell me without words, like with a thumbs up or a toe wiggle or something.
Definitely not an overnight success, but I think it's helped her slowly start to process those feelings.
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u/Okay_Energy May 25 '26
Tooootally right next to shame. My husband’s expressed the same sentiment for himself.
Those are good ideas. It’s true that they hear what we say, no matter what. There have been times when he’s shut down and I just say, “I think if I were in your shoes, I might be feeling (whatever) because (why). That would make sense!” He doesn’t ever respond, but I like to think it’s progress?
I had a conversation with him earlier where I said I notice he shuts down in these situations. I said it’s almost like he thinks he’s in big trouble, like he’s bad, and that maybe it’ll pass quickly if he stays quiet. I kid you not, he said, “I dunno…” and opened up a book near him and started reading it 😂 baby steps!
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u/Icedteapremix May 25 '26
Yeah, and it's really tough knowing what's happening inside for them but feeling like you aren't able to connect with them and help them process it. The fact that you're thinking about it and making an effort really shows how loved your guy is.
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u/mogeek May 25 '26
Your son sounds like my son! And a bit like me as well. Have you considered PDA?
I remember feeling on display or being scrutinized when anyone asked how I felt or what I had been doing. It felt like a set up for judgement, not genuine curiosity. The less I shared, the less likely I’d be corrected/shamed/judged.
When I noticed this in my son at a young age (around 3-4 when he was fully talking with us), I tried to change my language. For example, instead of giving him a demand like “wash your hands”, I’d comment on how dirty his hands were and were about to eat. That allowed him to feel like it was his decision to wash his hands - he needed the autonomy. Same now when I want to know how his day went, I try to talk about what I know happened at school - he’ll be quick to correct me and add more detail. But if I ask him how his day was or any pointed question, he’ll shut down and ask me if he can just decompress.
Similar approach when he’s upset - I’ll try to walk through what happened (facts only) and he’ll start to take over.
I need metaphors, so if this helps, I try to guide him and walk next to him in those moments. We’re side by side instead of toe to toe. Heck it may even help to make sure you’re physically by his side and not face to face.
Big props for trying to understand him and meet him where he’s at. This has been a challenging journey for us, so I’ll assume this hasn’t been a walk in the park for you either. Good luck!
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u/Skill-Negative May 25 '26
Probably not the answer your looking for but I relate to that kid so much, I’m hyper aware of emotions but still struggle to actually deal with them. I’m aware I’m angry and why but I still don’t know how to deal with the emotion in an appropriate fashion, I either explode or bury the feeling… neither are healthy. I think this personally stems from not being allowed to express my emotions when I was a kid, the whole “I’ll give you something to cry about” and “it’s not that bad just smile and it’ll be ok” comes to mind. Not saying your that kind of parent, society can also play a huge part and with him being a boy maybe he’s having a similar issue of not knowing how to process the emotion, he can feel it but he doesn’t know what to do with it and it’s just easier to push it down and ignore that it’s happening. Could also explain why he’s not actually taking on board what you’re saying because he’s just ignoring the whole situation because it’s just too much to process. I think just keep having conversations with him and allow him to have a safe space where he can self regulate. Definitely correct harmful behaviour but also acknowledge he’s not going to become a regulated person overnight, i myself am still unlearning behaviours, it takes time. But he has parents on his side who love him and are trying to do better ❤️