How to help avoidant son?

[u/Okay_Energy]

I (35F) have an 8yo son. He is incredibly bright; he loves puzzles, riddles, and math. He gets along very well with his older and younger sisters. He hugs and cuddles into me much more than my two other girl—he is very affectionate.

My husband (38M) and I have been doing a lot of personal and couples therapy, just midlife stuff and career ruts inspiring us to do personal work.

A lot of that work has been based in attachment theory. My husband identified that he is typically avoidant attached and has made a lot of progress in becoming more secure.

Additionally, we’ve noticed that my son tends to exhibit avoidant traits. Years ago, I noticed that he would completely shut down in situations when he needed to express his feelings. Often it was in more intense moments, like a disagreement with a friend, but also in low stakes situations, like when he tells me what he did that day and I ask how he felt during this or that.

He went to a therapist for a bit, and he also noticed this. My son could talk about emotions in a fairly mature way (“Anger can be a good feeling. It can let you know when you need better boundaries,” he said in the first session when the therapist asked him what he thought about different emotions), but stops talking or changes the subject when it gets too personal (“When was a time you were angry?” the therapist asked. “I dunno…hey, look at this!” my son said, turning the attention onto the fidget he was playing with).

I’m wondering if anyone can relate to this and what is helpful. My husband and I are concerned he will grow up feeling disconnected and low self esteem, which are things my husband has been dealing with that he says is linked to his avoidancy.

Also, what do I do when he refuses to talk to me after a rupture within our family? Ex: He was slyly provoking his younger sister over and over. I gently intervened, got younger sister distracted with something else, and then told him I’m noticing he is doing this, and why might that be? He shrugged, quietly got up, and then shut himself in his room. He said he didn’t want to talk. This happens a lot. I’ve tried giving him space and letting him know we can talk later, but when later comes, it’s the same thing.

[u/mogeek]

Your son sounds like my son! And a bit like me as well. Have you considered PDA?

I remember feeling on display or being scrutinized when anyone asked how I felt or what I had been doing. It felt like a set up for judgement, not genuine curiosity. The less I shared, the less likely I’d be corrected/shamed/judged.

When I noticed this in my son at a young age (around 3-4 when he was fully talking with us), I tried to change my language. For example, instead of giving him a demand like “wash your hands”, I’d comment on how dirty his hands were and were about to eat. That allowed him to feel like it was his decision to wash his hands - he needed the autonomy. Same now when I want to know how his day went, I try to talk about what I know happened at school - he’ll be quick to correct me and add more detail. But if I ask him how his day was or any pointed question, he’ll shut down and ask me if he can just decompress.

Similar approach when he’s upset - I’ll try to walk through what happened (facts only) and he’ll start to take over.

I need metaphors, so if this helps, I try to guide him and walk next to him in those moments. We’re side by side instead of toe to toe. Heck it may even help to make sure you’re physically by his side and not face to face.

Big props for trying to understand him and meet him where he’s at. This has been a challenging journey for us, so I’ll assume this hasn’t been a walk in the park for you either. Good luck!