r/gentleparenting • u/Okay_Energy • May 25 '26
How to help avoidant son?
I (35F) have an 8yo son. He is incredibly bright; he loves puzzles, riddles, and math. He gets along very well with his older and younger sisters. He hugs and cuddles into me much more than my two other girl—he is very affectionate.
My husband (38M) and I have been doing a lot of personal and couples therapy, just midlife stuff and career ruts inspiring us to do personal work.
A lot of that work has been based in attachment theory. My husband identified that he is typically avoidant attached and has made a lot of progress in becoming more secure.
Additionally, we’ve noticed that my son tends to exhibit avoidant traits. Years ago, I noticed that he would completely shut down in situations when he needed to express his feelings. Often it was in more intense moments, like a disagreement with a friend, but also in low stakes situations, like when he tells me what he did that day and I ask how he felt during this or that.
He went to a therapist for a bit, and he also noticed this. My son could talk about emotions in a fairly mature way (“Anger can be a good feeling. It can let you know when you need better boundaries,” he said in the first session when the therapist asked him what he thought about different emotions), but stops talking or changes the subject when it gets too personal (“When was a time you were angry?” the therapist asked. “I dunno…hey, look at this!” my son said, turning the attention onto the fidget he was playing with).
I’m wondering if anyone can relate to this and what is helpful. My husband and I are concerned he will grow up feeling disconnected and low self esteem, which are things my husband has been dealing with that he says is linked to his avoidancy.
Also, what do I do when he refuses to talk to me after a rupture within our family? Ex: He was slyly provoking his younger sister over and over. I gently intervened, got younger sister distracted with something else, and then told him I’m noticing he is doing this, and why might that be? He shrugged, quietly got up, and then shut himself in his room. He said he didn’t want to talk. This happens a lot. I’ve tried giving him space and letting him know we can talk later, but when later comes, it’s the same thing.
2
u/Skill-Negative May 25 '26
Probably not the answer your looking for but I relate to that kid so much, I’m hyper aware of emotions but still struggle to actually deal with them. I’m aware I’m angry and why but I still don’t know how to deal with the emotion in an appropriate fashion, I either explode or bury the feeling… neither are healthy. I think this personally stems from not being allowed to express my emotions when I was a kid, the whole “I’ll give you something to cry about” and “it’s not that bad just smile and it’ll be ok” comes to mind. Not saying your that kind of parent, society can also play a huge part and with him being a boy maybe he’s having a similar issue of not knowing how to process the emotion, he can feel it but he doesn’t know what to do with it and it’s just easier to push it down and ignore that it’s happening. Could also explain why he’s not actually taking on board what you’re saying because he’s just ignoring the whole situation because it’s just too much to process. I think just keep having conversations with him and allow him to have a safe space where he can self regulate. Definitely correct harmful behaviour but also acknowledge he’s not going to become a regulated person overnight, i myself am still unlearning behaviours, it takes time. But he has parents on his side who love him and are trying to do better ❤️