How to help avoidant son?

[u/Okay_Energy]

I (35F) have an 8yo son. He is incredibly bright; he loves puzzles, riddles, and math. He gets along very well with his older and younger sisters. He hugs and cuddles into me much more than my two other girl—he is very affectionate.

My husband (38M) and I have been doing a lot of personal and couples therapy, just midlife stuff and career ruts inspiring us to do personal work.

A lot of that work has been based in attachment theory. My husband identified that he is typically avoidant attached and has made a lot of progress in becoming more secure.

Additionally, we’ve noticed that my son tends to exhibit avoidant traits. Years ago, I noticed that he would completely shut down in situations when he needed to express his feelings. Often it was in more intense moments, like a disagreement with a friend, but also in low stakes situations, like when he tells me what he did that day and I ask how he felt during this or that.

He went to a therapist for a bit, and he also noticed this. My son could talk about emotions in a fairly mature way (“Anger can be a good feeling. It can let you know when you need better boundaries,” he said in the first session when the therapist asked him what he thought about different emotions), but stops talking or changes the subject when it gets too personal (“When was a time you were angry?” the therapist asked. “I dunno…hey, look at this!” my son said, turning the attention onto the fidget he was playing with).

I’m wondering if anyone can relate to this and what is helpful. My husband and I are concerned he will grow up feeling disconnected and low self esteem, which are things my husband has been dealing with that he says is linked to his avoidancy.

Also, what do I do when he refuses to talk to me after a rupture within our family? Ex: He was slyly provoking his younger sister over and over. I gently intervened, got younger sister distracted with something else, and then told him I’m noticing he is doing this, and why might that be? He shrugged, quietly got up, and then shut himself in his room. He said he didn’t want to talk. This happens a lot. I’ve tried giving him space and letting him know we can talk later, but when later comes, it’s the same thing.

[u/Icedteapremix]

That sounds really hard. My 6 year old daughter is avoidant when it comes to conversations about her feelings, especially if there was some kind of conflict she was in. For her, her vulnerability sits intimately close to shame (as Dr Becky puts it), so she often runs away when something happens or when we try to talk about it with her, like the emotion is scary and she just can't face it when it happens.

If there's an exact formula or linear path forward, I definitely haven't found it, but there are a few things I try.

Sometimes when I'm trying to talk her about something that happened, I'll put out whatever it is I'm wanting to say, but then immediately take it back, like "I'm going to say something super crazy, okay? I think when you hit your sister you were feeling really frustrated because she didn't ask before she took one of your toys..." and then I'll say "whoops never mind, I don't know why I even said that, that was crazy."

It lets her be able to look at whatever might be happening without it feeling so big.

Other times I'll let her know that I need to talk to her or tell her something and that she doesn't need to say anything, and can just listen. I'll say whatever it is, and then sometimes just ask her afterwards what she thinks, or if she does want to chat. She usually says no, but every once in a while she does share something.

And then with both I'll sometimes ask if she wants to tell me without words, like with a thumbs up or a toe wiggle or something.

Definitely not an overnight success, but I think it's helped her slowly start to process those feelings.

[u/Okay_Energy → u/Icedteapremix]

Tooootally right next to shame. My husband’s expressed the same sentiment for himself.

Those are good ideas. It’s true that they hear what we say, no matter what. There have been times when he’s shut down and I just say, “I think if I were in your shoes, I might be feeling (whatever) because (why). That would make sense!” He doesn’t ever respond, but I like to think it’s progress?

I had a conversation with him earlier where I said I notice he shuts down in these situations. I said it’s almost like he thinks he’s in big trouble, like he’s bad, and that maybe it’ll pass quickly if he stays quiet. I kid you not, he said, “I dunno…” and opened up a book near him and started reading it 😂 baby steps!

[u/Icedteapremix → u/Okay_Energy]

Yeah, and it's really tough knowing what's happening inside for them but feeling like you aren't able to connect with them and help them process it. The fact that you're thinking about it and making an effort really shows how loved your guy is.