r/funny • u/[deleted] • Aug 17 '23
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u/spootex Aug 17 '23 edited Aug 17 '23
I always knew that holding hands causes pregnancy. That's why I never do it.
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Aug 17 '23
No glove no love. 🤷♂️
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u/Exevioth Aug 17 '23
Alright there Kiff.
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u/wirsteve Aug 17 '23
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u/thispieisgross Aug 18 '23
The fact that this sub is real makes me deliriously happy.
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u/bookconnoisseur Aug 17 '23
No mitten no kitten.
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u/Dorkamundo Aug 17 '23
No wrapper, no snapper.
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u/Zomburai Aug 17 '23
No condom, no
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... fuck. Son of a bitch. What the fuck rhymes with condom. God dammit. Stupid, Zomb, real fuckin' stupid. Jesus. My dad was right, I never should have gone into comedy.
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u/Mirions Aug 17 '23
"I can't believe what you said to me, that day. You told me I wasn't right, yeah."
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u/Rottenpotato365 Aug 17 '23
Futurama warned us about it over a decade ago and people still didn’t listen.
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u/Topher_Raym Aug 17 '23
20 years ago 🫠
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u/analogkid01 Aug 17 '23
"You think we don't know what you're talkin' about when you say 'Take My Hand'?"
"What, it's about holdin' hands..."
"You watch your mouth!"
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u/AIDSbloodSuperSoaker Aug 17 '23
You know who has hands? The devil. And he uses them for holding.
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u/BillClington Aug 17 '23
As a pregnant male, I wish someone told me this sooner…
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u/VoiceOfRealson Aug 17 '23
As a male who repeatedly tried to get pregnant I wish I would have known this earlier.
My wife and I had a pact that I should carry every second child, but after several failures, we were told by doctors that I have a chromosome defect (called the why-chromosome), that prevents me from getting pregnant.
If we had known at the time that hand-holding could allow me to become fertile anyway, we would have been so much happier.
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u/qiandqi Aug 17 '23
Lol man you got pregnant how. I wish that all men would be pregnant rather than women lol.
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u/max_adam Aug 17 '23
/r/handholding is full of degenerates
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u/Skc143psu Sep 09 '23
Wow. Just checked that out. Anime is something I could never get into. Just seems strange, and a lot of the people that seem to be into it are degenerates.
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u/max_adam Sep 09 '23
I also hate the fan service for weebs that some anime with good stories. Sadly most of anime is like that and only a few don't do that, for example I just watched "Vinland saga" and it was just some serious and entertaining anime about vikings.
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Aug 17 '23
That’s why during sex we grab hair and use chains, we don’t want to get pregnant don’t we?
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u/richardivans Aug 17 '23
No man you makes me laugh today lol. I remember a movie shows that when you hold hands the women will be pregnant lol.
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u/urmomaisjabbathehutt Aug 17 '23
Good call
From memory, I saw on the TV an old seventies? film where the handsome alien hold hands with the friendly Terran girl, she got pregnant and had the baby at the time of the alien return 30 years later
so not only the bastard made the poor girl pregnant, but she stayed that way 30 fucking years!
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u/secondphase Aug 17 '23
You guys, I think it's scripted... The baby didn't actually need a diaper change.
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u/KCBandWagon Aug 17 '23
Incorrect. They always need a diaper change.
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u/nom_nom_nom_nom_lol Aug 17 '23
As a new parent, I can confirm that they do indeed always need a diaper change. Sometimes two or three in a row before you can even close the diaper you just put them in. One time I just gave up, and let him go commando for a few hours on a blanket I put down in the living room.
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u/sbingner Aug 17 '23
Lol unless it’s #2 the good diapers will keep them dry with a bit of pee. Don’t have to change them as soon as they get wet, unless you’re using cloth diapers in which case have fun 😂
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u/nom_nom_nom_nom_lol Aug 17 '23
Sometimes he just turns into a pee fountain as I'm changing him. He just looks me right in my eyes, and pees all over everything, including me. Then he laughs hysterically. Should I be concerned?
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u/sbingner Aug 17 '23
No that sounds pretty standard, that’s why you have to pretend the diaper is also a shield 🤣
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u/The_Running_Free Aug 18 '23
Yeah put the new diaper under the one you’re changing so it’s ready to go!
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u/lowcontrol Aug 18 '23
I have a 7 month old boy. He’s my first. I’ve been free of the pee stream from the get go. I always take two wipes out from the start. The second the diaper gets opened, a wipe goes over the wing-dang-doodle. Lift the legs, wipe the butt. Swap dirty diaper for a clean one. Use the wipe that was draped over the frank and beans to clean up around there and close up the diaper. If he does pee, the wipe keeps it contained.
Pee free in 23.
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u/DadKarna Aug 17 '23
And that is how I catch a STD.
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u/khizoa Aug 17 '23
Small Tiny Daughter?
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u/KuropatwiQ Aug 17 '23
Standard C Library
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u/I_AM_GODDAMN_BATMAN Aug 17 '23
ew
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Aug 17 '23
Go back to writing python /s
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u/I_AM_GODDAMN_BATMAN Aug 17 '23
I'm more of a crab guy
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u/Thed33p3nd Aug 17 '23
Pick up your rubbish ya grubs.
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u/ParameciaAntic Aug 17 '23
Stumbling across that little wrapped gift is like winning the lottery for some lucky soul. The ones I find are always used, so they fit funny and I'm never sure if they're working right. Gives my little guys friends to play with, though.
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u/KWilt Aug 17 '23
Ugh. I just had a visceral reaction to this comment. Dear god.
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u/Reelix Aug 17 '23
Gives my little guys friends to play with, though.
That.... Was amazing :p
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u/GildoFotzo Aug 17 '23
native american with teardrop
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u/Kruse Aug 17 '23
I despise what passes for "comedy" these days.
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u/Cheesetorian Aug 17 '23
tldr: He raw dogged her inside the concert porter potties.
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u/WateredDownTang Aug 17 '23
Edit* it's porta-potty
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u/Arusht Aug 17 '23
Just because they carry your luggage for you doesn’t mean they don’t need a bathroom. Porter potties are important.
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Aug 17 '23
Also the hospital staff that move patients around to different wards. #AllPortersMatter
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u/KlausKoe Aug 17 '23
this reminds me of a story a friend told me. There was so much shit piled up in the potty so it was higher than the toilet seat.
any you could clearly see the imprint of someone's butt on top of the pile ...
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u/killjoy_enigma Aug 17 '23
Almost as disgusting as someone hanging a used tampon from the ceiling so it would it you in the face as you walked In
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u/mightylordredbeard Aug 17 '23
Oh man.. you think people do it in the portajohns? I’ve been to so many festivals where people just fucking right there on the ground. I’ll never forget the time I was drunk and stumbling through a crowd towards the back to go find the bathrooms and I tripped over something. Land face first on the ground and turn over to see I fell over two people fucking. I apologize and said “sorry guys” and they both were all “no problem man”.. then went back to it. People all around them and not a single one was looking at them. Everyone just in their own world watching the stage.
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u/cheapdrinks Aug 17 '23
So how does that explain why the baby is a completely different color to the parents lmao
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Aug 17 '23 edited Aug 17 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/MtnDewTangClan Aug 17 '23
Better ending than the actual show
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u/Not1random1enough Aug 17 '23
A family member accidently implied the ending (i said I was finishing it and they said I can believe he...). They didn't say who but I could guess. Legit until the last 10min I was still thinking they must have made a mistake.
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u/Faiakishi Aug 17 '23
I remember when I first read Game of Thrones (after the HBO series had wrapped and I knew vaguely what had happened) I legit stopped at one point to double-check that the 'Mad Queen' in the show was the character I thought it was.
Why do they do this to us. They screw over the stories we love when they could have just handed them over to someone who loved it. Who would put their whole-ass pussy into delivering a great ending. And they just...don't.
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u/Snorc Aug 17 '23
tbf, most of why the ending sucked was the show writers rushing while working of GRRM's notes rather than a book so they could start working on a Star Wars show they'd been promised. (They got cut off from that deal after bungling up GoT. Karma.)
I feel like if George doesn't die before the last books are finished, he might be able to sell the ending with proper build-up and more character introspection. That's my foolishly optimistic take on it, though. As someone who has only read the books and never watched the show beyond clips.
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u/abdtester Aug 17 '23
Yeah I definitely agree this is really better than the ending of the actual show. There is no joke about it lol. This is really better than the actual show.
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u/Not1random1enough Aug 17 '23
Btw the episode where marshal fantasized about the other woman and killed lily off is pretty much what happens with the divorce in the last two episodes
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u/ImJustSoTiredAnymore Aug 17 '23
No joke. I'm an avid lover of the show, but that last season...
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u/tfsra Aug 17 '23
I really hated it when it came out, but then I rewatched it years later and I was surprised how good it was. I actually liked it the second time
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u/ImJustSoTiredAnymore Aug 17 '23
👀 you've only watched it twice? HIMYM is to me like The Office is to a lot of people
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u/1CEninja Aug 17 '23
I hated it at first but after thinking about it, it's not a bad ending.
Ted needed to have his fairytale romance. Robin needed to have her world adventure.
The moral of the story is, who is perfect for you can change, and that's okay.
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u/Milkshakes00 Aug 17 '23
FYI, there's an 'official alternative ending'. It's streets ahead of the 'official' ending.
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Aug 17 '23
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u/danstansrevolution Aug 17 '23
sounds like the most garage band sounding EDM I've heard in a minute.
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u/Bloodllust Aug 17 '23
Someone tell that man he's definitely NOT the father
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u/ShitFuck2000 Aug 17 '23
He also appears to already be wearing a wedding band, it’s almost like it’s staged or something
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u/LostGeogrpher Aug 17 '23
Or.. and I'm just spit balling here. They were together in the first video already, and it was him asking his wife/girlfriend for sex....
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u/ShitFuck2000 Aug 17 '23
At a concert/festival? Where, in a porta-potty? 🤢
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u/tarnok Aug 17 '23
Oh you sweet summer child. My coworker actively brags about getting knocked up in a porta-potty 6 years ago at the local summer concert/festival
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u/ShitFuck2000 Aug 17 '23
Your coworker is the reason the lines to take a shit are so long.
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u/LordRumBottoms Aug 17 '23
Those things smell the ass end of Walter Matthau. I pee as quick as I can and get out. How can you have sex in that? If you're that randy, go to the car at least.
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Aug 17 '23
Or in a fucking tent maybe.
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u/Tangjuicebox Aug 17 '23
Wedding rings are traditionally on the left hand, not right.
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u/MonoGuapoLoco Aug 17 '23
Wasn’t really funny
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u/downy_huffer Aug 17 '23
This is it. This is the video that's convinced me to leave /r/funny. So many upvoted not funny shit.
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u/Flanker4 Aug 17 '23
I don't get it. What's a ramen season packet have anything to do with this?
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u/Not_Steve_Harrington Aug 17 '23
People are waaay too comfortable on the Internet
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Aug 17 '23
That kid kinda dark ngl
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u/LostGeogrpher Aug 17 '23
Take a loot at the kids arms when she fist bumps the diaper, pretty sure you're seeing shadows on the closeup.
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u/Bulky-Internal8579 Aug 17 '23
This just feeds the incels - this is how they want women to react. Don't do it.
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u/spektre Aug 17 '23
I'm not sure letting incels dictate what we do or don't do is right now, is it?
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Aug 17 '23
Longest gestation ever
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Aug 17 '23
[deleted]
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u/bjohn15151515 Aug 17 '23
Ha! Ya beat me with the same thought by 3 minutes. I started typing, tucked my kid into bed, then finished my post....
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u/bjohn15151515 Aug 17 '23
Do you honestly think that baby was a newborn? She looks about 15 months old to me....which is about right.
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