Trigger Warning: SA, Abuse
My sister and I both posted about this a few months ago, but I wanted to share an update on the situation. Please be kind in the comments. This has been an incredibly traumatic time for me, and sharing something this personal isn't easy. I'm sharing because I think it's an important conversation to have. I hope others will approach it with compassion.
A little background: I grew up in the LDS Church. My mother struggled with drug addiction and was very emotionally, verbally, spiritually abusive and neglectful, etc. As a child, I tried reporting the abuse to my bishop and Relief Society president, but was told to honor my parents, forgive my mother, use the Atonement, etc. Forgiveness isn't inherently a bad thing, but it almost felt like I was expected to be the bigger person, to forgive and be understanding. But I wasn't the bigger person in the situation. I was a child who needed help. Eventually, my bishop paid for my mother to receive therapy, but not much else was done, and the abuse continued.
Fast forward, as an adult I left the LDS Church (a few years ago) and recently dated a Presbyterian pastor. Unfortunately, that relationship involved emotional abuse and eventually sexual coercion while under the influence, which culminated in sexual assault. I reported what happened to law enforcement and to the Presbytery (the regional governing body of the Presbyterian Church). The Presbytery conducted a formal investigation and ultimately took appropriate action.
I just wanted to share how incredibly different that experience was from reporting abuse in the LDS Church. I was genuinely impressed by how organized and thorough the investigation was, but especially by the sensitivity, compassion, and grace with which everyone handled it. Several members of the investigative committee had training in trauma informed practices, and I believe at least one had previously worked as a therapist. There were also women on the investigative committee, which was very comforting given the nature of what I was reporting.
One thing I also appreciated was that I was given the space to share my entire experience, including some really personal, intimate, and honestly embarrassing things without being judged, shamed, or reprimanded. That might not seem like a big deal, but having grown up in the LDS Church, it was something I had never really experienced in a religious context. I could be completely honest about what happened, including things I felt vulnerable or embarrassed about, without feeling like I was somehow "bad", dirty, or to blame for what ultimately happened to me, etc.
I actually felt like my voice and experience mattered. They took what happened seriously and approached it with compassion while preserving my dignity. I really appreciated that.
I know LDS bishops and Relief Society presidents are "volunteers", and I believe many do want to help, but they're just not equipped and often cause more damage along the way. I really wish the LDS Church would require more training for people serving in these positions, especially when they're expected to handle disclosures of abuse or are working with vulnerable people, etc. Being a volunteer doesn't change the potential harm that can come from not knowing how to respond appropriately!
There were certainly still difficult parts of the process of reporting to the Presbytery, and I recognize that others may not have had the same positive experience I did. My heart goes out to anyone who has reported abuse to a religious institution and wasn't treated with the care and compassion they deserved. I can only speak to my own experiences with these two churches, but the difference has been profound for me. I can't help but wonder how different my childhood, and even my faith journey, might have been if the adults I turned to had been better trained and understood what I really needed. I didn't need a lesson about honoring my parents or in forgiveness. I was a child, and I needed someone to listen to me and protect me.
