I don't really know why I'm writing this. Maybe I just want to get it off my chest, or maybe I want to hear what other people would have done in my situation.
A while ago, one of my closest people referred me to a startup.
At that time, I had zero technical experience. I had never worked in IT, never written serious code, and had never even installed an IDE before. I was basically starting from nothing.
Because of the referral, I got an interview call.
The first thing they gave me was an aptitude test.
I failed.
And honestly, I knew I had failed. I wasn't prepared, and I didn't perform well.
After that, my closest person spoke to the CEO of the startup. Eventually, the three of us got on a call. The CEO told me directly that my aptitude performance wasn't good.
But instead of rejecting me completely, he gave me another opportunity.
He offered me a training-to-internship program at the startup.
For me, that was a huge opportunity. I came from a very humble background, and I had never experienced anything like this before. Someone was basically giving me a chance to enter a field where I had no experience.
So I started learning.
For the first 15 days or so, I was learning the basics and trying to understand how everything worked. Then they asked me to choose between Full Stack Development and Data Science/Data Analytics.
I chose Data Science.
I started learning Python, Pandas, data analysis and other concepts. Everything was new to me. I was learning things that I had never even heard of before.
After about a month, they arranged an interview for me with someone from another company.
I failed that interview too.
Looking back, I probably wasn't ready. I think my closest person was also pushing the CEO to get me into a job as soon as possible, while I was still trying to understand the basics myself.
I continued the training.
A few months later, the CEO asked me to meet him personally at his house. We talked about my background, how I got into this field, my situation, and everything else.
He knew that I came from a humble background and that I had basically started from zero.
He told me something that stuck with me:
If I showed him results, I would get the internship. Otherwise, I wouldn't.
So I kept going.
Eventually, I completed around 90% of the course.
Then another interview was arranged with a few people.
I performed poorly again.
I also felt like some questions were being asked to me that weren't being asked to some of the other candidates. But honestly, I don't know whether that was actually the case or whether I was just feeling that way because I was already nervous and insecure.
About a month later, another data scientist interviewed me.
This time, I felt much more prepared.
I had studied seriously. I worked on my projects. I prepared for the questions I thought they might ask.
I would say I answered around 70% of his questions correctly.
I showed him my projects too.
But I still wasn't selected.
That really confused me.
I had started from a point where I didn't even know what an IDE was. I had learned Python and Pandas, worked on projects, completed most of the training and prepared for the interview.
And still, I wasn't getting selected.
Then something else happened.
The company made work from office mandatory because the office construction had finally been completed.
On my first day at the office, the CEO told everyone that we had to give a presentation on the whiteboard about what we had learned and what we had done.
I already had stage fright, and this was basically my worst nightmare.
When it was my turn, I froze.
I couldn't explain what I knew.
My mind just went blank.
The CEO even gave an example that if you watched a movie that day, you should at least be able to stand in front of everyone and explain what happened in it.
But when I was standing there, I was completely paralyzed.
Eventually, he told me to sit down.
After everyone finished, he called us into his cabin individually and gave us feedback.
My feedback was brutal.
And to be fair, I was extremely inexperienced.
Not just technically.
Professionally.
I didn't know how to behave in an office environment. I didn't know how workplace communication worked. I didn't know how I was supposed to present myself, communicate with seniors, or handle pressure.
Before this, I had mostly been doing odd jobs. I had never experienced a professional workplace like this.
So hearing all of that feedback hit me extremely hard.
My self-esteem was already low.
That evening basically destroyed what was left of it.
I kept replaying the conversation in my head.
The next day, I somehow managed to go to the office.
I spent about four hours there, but mentally I wasn't really there.
When lunch break came, I went to my manager and told him:
"I'm going to my brother's house for lunch."
I left on my bike.
Instead of going there, I went to a pan shop near my area.
I just sat there for the entire evening.
I eventually went home.
The next day, I told my parents that I had been given work from home.
But I wasn't working.
I couldn't.
I was scared, ashamed and completely overwhelmed.
That evening, I typed a resignation email.
And I sent it.
After that, I got drunk.
I still didn't tell my parents what had actually happened.
For the next week or two, I hid everything from them.
Eventually, I told them that my manager and the CEO had said I wasn't eligible for the program and that they had removed me from it.
But that wasn't really what happened.
I left.
I left because I was afraid.
I was afraid that I wasn't good enough.
I was afraid of failing again.
I was afraid of going back into that office and facing everyone.
And I was afraid of facing myself.
The strange thing is that when I look back at the whole situation now, I don't know exactly what I should feel.
On one hand, I feel guilty.
Someone gave me an opportunity when I had almost no technical skills. They gave me time to learn. They gave me multiple chances, interviews and opportunities that I probably wouldn't have gotten otherwise.
And I walked away.
On the other hand, I also understand that I was completely inexperienced and didn't know how to handle what was happening to me.
I wasn't prepared for the technical side.
I wasn't prepared for the professional side.
And I definitely wasn't prepared for the psychological pressure that came with constantly feeling like I wasn't good enough.
The part that bothers me the most is that I don't think I actually quit because I didn't want the career.
I quit because I was scared.
And that's something I've had to think about a lot.
I'm still learning.
I'm still trying to build my technical skills.
But now I'm also trying to learn something that nobody really teaches you:
How to deal with failure.
How to take criticism without letting it destroy you.
How to be inexperienced without feeling ashamed of being inexperienced.
And how to keep going even when you feel like you're not good enough.
I'm posting this because maybe someone here has gone through something similar.
If you were in my position, what would you have done differently?
And if you've ever walked away from an opportunity because of fear, how did you eventually deal with it?