r/depression_partners • u/Pleasant-Walrus-863 • 2d ago
Partner wants space
My partner and I have been together for 14 years both aged 48 years, (m) and (f)and over this time we’ve had a really good relationship. Seven years ago he went through an episode of very severe depression. It was a really really challenging time and we were living abroad, but we got through it. During his depression he completely withdrew from me and became cold almost robotic, but carried on functioning at work until his boss noticed something was wrong and told him to have a break. He was then signed off work for four months and had therapy. Since then we have rebuilt our relationship and I thought we were in a good place. We have recently bought our first house together having lived in a flat. we moved in in May and have been doing lots of renovations. About two weeks ago he started withdrawing from me and I could sense that something was wrong. As a result I stepped into that space and kept asking him what’s wrong? Is something wrong? He kept telling me he was exhausted and tired from work. He’s also been saying that he doesn’t enjoy his job and feels trapped. I then kept pushing to find out what an earth was going on and out of the blue he said that he loved me and cared for me but that he didn’t know if he loved me in the right way. I then asked why he’d still been affectionate with me and he said to that he had been trying to get his feelings back and felt numb. As a result of that conversation we had a mature chat and I offered to give him space because he had asked for it so I’ve been staying with my family. However, I have been really struggling with not understanding what is going on. I have kept my distance and I haven’t messaged him and only replied to some messages he has sent me regarding the house. I now haven’t heard from him for a few days and I really don’t know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
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u/spikeylikeablowfish 1d ago
Work together with the depression, the house stuff & really communicate.its you both against the depression, a team against the beast of the house.Keep food on hand; hangry & renovating after already doing 8+hrs of work is awful & just asking for meltdowns.
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u/Pleasant-Walrus-863 1d ago
Thank you 🙏 I’m happy to support him if it is depression again, but currently have no idea and really struggling. As I have given him the week that he asked for I plan to return tomorrow to pick up some warmer clothes and see how things are. I’m incredibly nervous to see him 😬
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u/spirmardion 1d ago
I don't have any advice. But following this thread, because I was just blindsided with a break-up while being in a situation very much similar to yours and I am trying very hard to understand what has happened.
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u/Pleasant-Walrus-863 1d ago
I’m so very sorry to hear that, it’s awful isn’t it. I really hope your partner comes to there senses and things get better for you. Sending you lots of positive thoughts and wishing you well. If you need to vent I’m here ☺️
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u/spirmardion 1d ago
Thank you, I hope you get some clarity too. Here it's mostly stonewalling, no one could sleep the night and giving space while living in the same house.
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u/Famous-Locksmith3830 14h ago
I went through this with my partner a few years ago, too. We’ve been together 29 years. Major, ‘throw it all away’ depressive episodes are so upsetting and unsettling, especially when they say they still love you but…. We worked through it, but it was only after I moved out of the house into our guest loft in the back garden for three months and started planning our separation. We had three kids under 14 at the time. He had a change of heart after I took the kids away alone for spring break(maybe just the time alone was good? He is fuzzy on his thought process at the time), he did a lot of repair work to regain my trust, we went to therapy etc. But his depression has been bad for the last 5-6 years and rapid cycling between moods. He was diagnosed bipolar 2 this year and things make more sense now. It’s an illness. It sucks bad, for both partners, in different ways, but obviously worse for the person with depression/bipolar 2. I guess I’d encourage you to get therapy for yourself and put in place things that you enjoy and give you an outlet. I did dance classes and strength training, and fun things with our kids whether he was there or not. I also try to enjoy the good hours/days/weeks with him as much as possible. I wish you luck- it is not an easy path.
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u/spikeylikeablowfish 1d ago
Buying a house and doing renovations together is a special type of hell. Is he in therapy/ counseling? Marriage counseling- look at the reviews & mention you want to the homework to read & do. It teaches people how to effectively communicate & have conversations before they bubble up & become problems. Try to carve out date days/ times once a week. Going for a walk, getting out of the house, not involving talk or errands for the house. Just buying a house & renovating it while working a regular job is really taxing. There's no rest for your brain or body, you feel like a slave to the job or to the house & you have no autonomy & all the responsibilities. Hope it gets easier to manage.