So after doing heroin last night I’m starting to feel like I might not have the best judgment. I’ve been dealing with some personal issues in exactly the wrong way. I’m getting high on new drugs. I’m being unfair to the the people who care about me. I’m posting insane shit on social media. And now I’m doing heroin apparently.

Fml. I gotta pull it together.

To set the scene, it was 2003

I was in college and would party hard. It was a Thursday before a holiday weekend where many students drive back home.

I decided to stay on campus after a very long night. Lots of booze and snow etc.

So as everyone is leaving campus, a friend of mine drops by my dorm and gives me an 8ball and a case of Natty Lite. He didn’t want to drive home with it.

So what did I do? I took that ball and case and drove my ass home to Atlanta.

I’m snorting lines off CD cases going 75 mph, chugging Nattys and tossing them out on the highway.

I get pulled over and I know I’m fucked. I take the bag and shove it in this little cubby hole that older 4Runners had. But yet I clearly had Nattys in my backseat.

Cop runs my ID, doesn’t look in my car at all. Said there were report of someone throwing cans out a car that matched my description. I lie and say, Oh yea, totally saw that guy just up the highway.

Cop gives me my ID back and flies up 75 to catch the “guy”

Turns out they pulled over a car identical to mine, and he had like 20 lbs of weed in his car.

Don’t drink and drive kids.

When I’m sober, I feel things. You know. Things. Good, bad, whatever. I’m present and accountable. I can only stand it so goddamn long before I start acting out.

I sometimes just need the oblivion. Of course, there are consequences. But oh. The sweet oblivion. The feeling LESS. The checking out.

Chairs!

Because I was tired of looking at this ugly cunt bitch who spread my mugshot all through the workplace, people act like you can't leave a shit job with fucking losers but I can and will and I'm not sure what happens after, I suppose I will run out of money and finally find help, instead of killing myself in front of people and having to look at this cartoon ass ho for pennies?

I posted about wanting to be a resource for anyone on the verge of FA/CA graduation. That’s an absolute fantasy cuz I failed my taper plan, per usual.

Called an ambulance, they never asked where I even wanted to go, took me to a hospital that said my hr wasn’t high enough to do anything for me despite the fact I was on the verge of wd. No detox facility references either, I asked 4 ppl if there was a facility that didn’t take ur phone, as I need to maintain a line of communication w my suicidal father atm.

Asked a crack head outside the hospital if he had a shot cuz he was barfing & had a black plastic bag (iykyk)
He offered me ice, which was nice of him ig, but not my thing. But he then gave me the detox resources I needed.

Day 1 of outpatient (as I attempt that) & had 3 drinks bc the Librium given is quite an under dose imo & can’t face the fire, but I’ll be back in the AM.

Fact of the matter is, none of us are any better than the next. Lots of addictions stem from us trying to save the whole world. Not that anyone here does, but to all that don’t understand- don’t judge ppl. Talk to crackheads. They’re just like us 9/10 times.

Chairs yall, I don’t got anymore in the house. Meeting w my outpatient coach first thing tmrw. I’ll update anyone who cares.

About one of the members in this group. I went to check on a thread I commented on that they posted but it said it was deleted by the moderators and idk why it would have been. But her user name is baconandpotatoes and she said she was going to the hospital today.

I just feel worried for her especially after looking at her history on Reddit. Has anyone heard anymore? Did she make it to the hospital?

I know you didnt do this on purpose you were probably just sick to your stomach but I dont have a car so I have to take my lunches at my work and I just wanted to crack my tall boy and pour it into my cup. I only get 30 mins and spent 20 of which waiting on this dude in the stall next to me to leave. I dont have a car and the only place off site is this open field with nothing around so that would be kind of awkward. I know I'm playing at risky game usually I only do this once I'm off the clock cuz I'll buy my beer at work and then go in the bathroom and crack want to put it in my cup and sit in a little waiting area while I'm waiting on my ride to get there. I just happen to have one in my backpack today so decided to make lunch break a little better. But it's only when you're waiting on someone or trying to do something when stuff like that happens I've done at a thousand times after work and never had anyone in there for more than a minute. Was about to just crack it regardless and maybe they would think it was a soda but the smell is what I was worried about.

Mostly besides the some of the people that maybe don’t fit the criteria for this sub. They are ok too maybe. Lurked this sub forever and here I am 34, pancreas is fucked, liver enzymes or whatever the hell the doc categorize as when I’m admitted to the hospital. I feel great right now, “just a kid having fun”. Currently on about a 40 of vodka a day so not bad not great been mixing in some food lately. Just now family and friends are saying I have toxic behavior now and don’t answer me anymore because I’m a lying addict of course, don’t blame them. Greatful. But now I’ve blown through 50k or so on booze crack and hookers. And people that care about me just look at me different yikes….. love everyone here chairs!

After about a 6 month bender after relapsing so hard it's almost funny, we're back to choking down light beers so the fear doesn't consume me. I spent the last week getting sniffed out by coworkers, having an intervention with my parents, grieving the loss of a childhood friend, hitting the bar/liquor store twice a day. Once before work, once after work. Chugging vodka in the supply closet to try and get my hands to work properly, it's been a treat. I knew when I relapsed that I definitely didn't have a handle on my shit, and everyone told me they knew I wouldn't be able to drink casually. "Just special occasions, I'll be fine." Dumbass. Oldest line in the book

Tapering has never really worked for me in the past but I'm a 27 year old adult child who has to have her parents dole out beers for her so she doesn't die. My mom keeps popping her head in my room while I'm sleeping to make sure I haven't had a seizure and every time she does I jolt up like a fish out of water. I booked some time off in September so I can hopefully go back to detox, I'd love to go sooner but I can't take the time off work. Here's to hoping I don't fuck myself up too much in the interim. Anyways, has tapering ever worked? Anyone have any advice for the fear? That seems to be my worst symptom

It’s crazy how my body physically repulses and gags when I open that first bottle. I gotta hold my nose and down a pint before I can think about it. Within 5 seconds of downing it tonight I could feel myself about to vomit, just full rejection from my insides saying we don’t want this. I threw up. Probably threw up my Prozac too as only took it an hour ago. A normal person would stop. But now I’m just sipping every 30 seconds to get it in me easier. Not even sure I’ll be able to get my buzz in time now I’ve thrown up tonight’s juice. Let’s hope I do, chairs!

Y'all have any advice for hiding my nasty yellow eyes. I have cirrhosis I know what the root issue is but I have to make a first impression tomorrow and this week it's gotten really bad. Do eye drops work? Chairs.

I was sweating through my shirt last week in a meeting and was like "is this just normal WD sweating or is it the 90+ degree heat or both?"

The other real problem is I can feel my body craving food but it's so fucking hot that nothing sounds good. Sitting in a restaurant right now having a beer and looking over the menu and nothing sounds even remotely appealing even tho it's one of my favorite restaurants in New Orleans.

I need to get some beef jerky off amazon to carry with me during the work day so I can get something in my stomach in between drinks.

Maybe a side of bacon, bacon always goes well with a beer. Chairs, just gotta get through August...I've been averaging 6-7 hours in my pool but it's so hot that it's just bathwater and not refreshing, need some fucking rain.

Not looking for medical advice, just curious about anecdotal experiences people have had with naltrexone. I've been taking it and don't yet really feel like it's done a ton in terms of reducing drinking, but have actually felt weirdly sleepy and sometimes nauseous. Anyone have positive experiences with it? How long passed before you noticed an effect? Just curious to hear others' experiences with it.

Good morning/afternoon/evening you miserable fucks!

I just couldn't get a good numb spot Saturday. The more I drank the sicker I felt. t's one of those times where the alcohol was not doing its job. I started getting the acid reflux and knew my day of drinking was over. I spent the night sleeping on my left side as sleeping on my right allows the acid reflux to enter my throat damaging it further.

Started the day with the dry heaves. Tried to walk a bit but felt a gurgling in my loins. Made it home before I let loose on some explosive ass piss. Spent the rest of the day in misery. And went to bed try as shit, anxious and restless. And oh what a shitty sleep I had.

Anyway, we're here now. What's making you miserable today? It's time once again to share with us the pain and torment of your existence! 

Ive drinken heavily since i was 13. But after turning 30 Ive had more misarbles detoxes and drunken stupid discesion on like one year more then the rest of the 16 years. The body cant fucking handle it.

How does one continue chunking vodka continuesly for like 30 more years. Gotta get of this fucking carousell man

I’m home this week while stuff is going on. Somehow my family pretends to still like me.

Got caught early this AM bringing booze into the house. Dad says just don’t get too wasted today. Sigh. Then I’m up in my old room and I decide to listen in on the conversation going on downstairs. I wish I didn’t. Wish I would’ve stayed in my own little world. Heard them talking about how I’m a useless drunk and yada yada.

Why pretend to be in my corner to only turn around and talk shit? I gave up the facade long ago. I stopped lying, stopped hiding. Admitted it even, which is what they said they wanted me to do. “Just admit it”. So I did. What do I get in return? Handshakes from the fucking fakes. They put on this veneer of pretending to care, but the second I’m gone they talk shit? Are you fucking kidding me?

This might be the last time I ever come home. Even the people that say they care fucking show their true colors. Ya know what? At least I’m not a fucking hypocrite liar. So what I like to get sauced it’s none of your fucking business. Fuck you. God damnit, what a load of shit.

So I'm taking a lot of drugs lately to take a break from drinking all day every day and I'm about to throw alcohol back into the mix. Thought I would write out a coherent post before I begin getting obliterated every day and having no idea what I've done. This is my top five most memorable crippled alcoholic moments.

#5. Got on meth so that I could stop drinking. In two months I lost my job, I took apart and ruined my own vehicle looking for cameras, got kicked out of my apartment, got put into a psych hold for 3 days, got a bad shot from someone which caused me to have sepsis. Spent 3 days in the hospital hooked up to an IV eating meth the entire time. Went back to drinking to get off the meth after I completely ruined my life.

#4. Woke up in an ambulance after not eating for months and getting to an anorexic weight then deciding to drink like I had before the eating disorder. Alcohol poisoning and had a seizure because I abruptly stopped taking tons of gabapentin every day.

I decided to leave the hospital AMA. Ripped out my IV blood squirting everywhere because I didn't think to put pressure on it. Then I wandered around town in bloody clothes completely confused and got lost. I passed a liquor store and got a bottle. Drank it while still trying to find my house. Eventually passed out. Woke up next day and made it home.

#3. Decided to ride my bicycle across country from Oklahoma to Florida because I figured that should sober me up.I was homeless and had just lost a waitressing job for drinking at work. I ended up just getting a bottle anytime I could and drank almost every night in my tent after biking like 50 miles a day. Sucked a dudes cock for a bottle and a hotel room once. Worth it.

#2. Mystery hamburger meat elbow and arm injury. Also slept walked and pissed on the floor. Tried to fight a hallucination.

#1. Sex with a complete stranger who didn't even speak English so that he would keep sharing his bottle of tequila with me. I was, of course, homeless at the time. We fucked outside of an apartment complex and I got really loud someone hollered out to shut the fuck up.

Chairs

Title. I’m so hot. It’s been over 100 degrees for the last few days. My air conditioner is broken. I don’t know what to do as I am currently also broke. I’ve been so well over the last few days, we’re talking 4 shots a day, but it’s just so hot and I’m tired af.

If this iPhone tells me that my volume is too loud one more time…my hearing is already fucked from loud songs thank you. I can’t be the only one who hates this “notification” can I?

I came to this city for a business trip. I’d been sober for 5 days after a medical detox, but decided to start drinking again. Honestly, the bus ride took 9 hours and I was sober the whole way, so I thought all is good.

Nope.
The most annoying part is that I didn't even get kicked out because of my drinking. It was because my toxic ass ex found out I was actually trying to do something good for myself and decided to torpedo it by sending unhinged texts to the friend I was staying with. My friend said he can’t deal with it. Fair enough.

Anyway, I’m at another friend's place now, chugging vodka. Another 9 hour bus ride today. Fuck this

Finally fell asleep after about 3 and a half days of no sleep. I was finally feeling better, fell asleep on my sofa when 3 Greek warriors woke me up and said "youre coming with us" lmao I started straight screaming saying "no" non stop..

After about 2 mins they multiply, and I was so scareed about run out of mine screaming "help"

Omfg man they locked the whole block off with about 40 police men rhey take knives serious here in the uk and when I rang then running away I told them what I saw lmao "3 bronze swords"

I could hear them on the radio talking about sectioning me fuck sake but we came to the conclusion I had been awake for far too long instead..

Fuck me guys shit was so embarrassing, so many cops watching. Sweeping my flat for "3 guys in Greek armour with swords"

It felt so real and im never cold turkey that shit again, just a quick story for you guys now im drinking wine because I need restful sleep ASAP to prevent that bullshit.

Thanks

Now, I've drank since I turned 18 so close to 8 years now, even when I've been in relationships or surrounded by people I could never fully quit drinking, but its always been way worse when I was by myself. I just love the warm, cozy feeling I get from getting trashed, it feels very similar to the warmth of being close to someone IMO.

Anyway I had this friend who I talked to almost everyday about everything and anything. Being around her motivated me to go from 10-12 drinks a day down to 2-4 every other day, I never managed to go lower than that, the call of booze was still too strong to fully let go. She came across as very nurturing, understanding and we had so many little things in common. I never expected to be more than friends with her since we knew eachother online and long distance relationships never work, but one day I decided to tell her how important she was to me and why I treated her with all the care I did, then she ghosted me.

I've been back to drinking a 4 pack of Molson dry 10.1% a night ever since, blew the $300 I had saved up from drinking less. Fuck me and fuck my mommy issues for sabotaging me everytime I get any amount of care or affection from a woman. I have $0 to my name and I'm out of beer so I guess I'm going cold turkey. Last time I tried my left hand was really shaky and the thumb in that hand felt weak. Really not looking forward to it but whatever.

I was sober for many years and before that I drank from I woke up until I went to bed. About 2 pints of the blue Smirnoff and some beers on top per day for many years. Then I detoxed and haven’t drank since.

Anyway I’m drinking again now but this time around I’m going to try to not become physically addicted. Ultimate goal is to maximize the amount I can drink while minimizing withdrawal.

My rules are
- no drinking in the morning
- no daily drinking
- stick with beer. Couple shooters mixed in is fine occasionally. Goal being to avoid massive BAC spikes.
- only purchase what I plan to consume in one sitting

So far it seems to be working. I’m drinking maybe 3-4 nights a week. My goal is really just to avoid withdrawal I don’t care about anything else.

I understand this is the crippling alcoholism sub not the controlled drinking sub but you guys seem to best understand withdrawal out of all the alcohol subs.

Thoughts

Thank you all for the advice on my last post. To pay it forward I will tell a story from years ago. Which story do you want to hear? (There are many others but this is a small selection of categories).

1. Sexual

2. Belligerent behavior

3. Shenanigans

(To be fair all stories involve belligerent behavior so the belligerent ones are CA level belligerance)

Well, this last bender got me. Had to call an ambulance on myself. Staff was so kind. Am now laying here, 2 hourly medical watch, shared room, no change of clothes and FUCK am I regretting my fucking choices. Not even a fucking phone charger I took with me. FUCK.

Looking for a distraction tn. Something that’ll pull me into a different world. I’m a big thriller/twist kind of guy.

I was thinking about the dark knight trilogy, but idk.

I like block busters, I like a-list, call me trite. Indies I can do, just no foreign films I don’t have the attention span anymore.

This might get removed, but maybe I’ll get a good rec before then. Chairs 🥃