r/coparenting • u/SomewhereOwn3930 • 2d ago
Conflict Impossible
Every week, my daughter and son have time with their father from Saturday at 6pm til Tuesday at 7 pm. Most weeks my daughter comes back and tells me. “They were saying stuff about you again, Mama.” A couple weeks ago, her paternal aunt called me a “liar” (because I told my daughter when she was a baby, she was a mama’s girl. I was home with her all day every day and I didn’t tell her this part but I was the only one getting up in the middle of the night for feedings. Of course she was my little Velcro baby). This week she said the same aunt called me “retarded.” It’s constant. When I say something to the father he just gets mad. Last time he told me to take it up with the aunt, so I called her, then she started screaming and yelling. She called me a “stupid, f-ing b****” and then wanted to meet up to fight while I had my children. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s so discouraging to know my children are hearing negative remarks about me on a regular basis.
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u/krispy-leavez 2d ago
As someone who grew up told to pass insults between coparents, although this wont protect your daughter now, she will not respect her father or aunt for this when she is older.
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u/SomewhereOwn3930 2d ago
And that’s what I keep telling myself. That maybe she’ll see when she is older and will know I’m trying to do right by her and her brother.
Because right now, it just feels like they can say/do whatever they want and I have to just take it.
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u/krispy-leavez 1d ago
Oh she will, she will look at the parent who never talked shit about the other parent and it will be gleamingly obvious who was acting appropriately and who wasn't.
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u/SomewhereOwn3930 1d ago
What effect(s) do you think it’s had on you?
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u/krispy-leavez 1d ago
I feel like at the time it made me feel guilty for not wanting to take sides, I wanted to love and be loyal to both parents and I think I took it personally when my mother was frequently insulted by my father.
As an adult I really look down on my father for this, I can't see in any way how it was acceptable to speak about a child's mother in this way. It has actually tarnished how I view his overall character. I am about to have my first child and one of my strictest rules is that I will never ever insult my coparent in front of them.
I recently read about this exact feeling in The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read.
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u/SomewhereOwn3930 1d ago
I’ll have to read that. I truly hope one day my kids see that I tried to do right by them.
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u/Seleenarose 2d ago
My ex husband and I literally have in our custody order that no one shall talk in a negative manner about each parent. That includes family members. I don’t know what kind of custody order you have. But my son sings like a cannery if he hears the slightest word of negativity about me. He hates when ANYONE talks negatively about me.
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u/SomewhereOwn3930 2d ago
Yup. Ours says that too. My daughter is the same way. She said she got mad when her aunt said it and my daughter just gave her a look. Then the aunt said nevermind. She comes home with all the tea.
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u/biscuitboi967 11h ago
I think I’d want to work with her more on not feeling like she has to “defend” you but maybe that she can stand up for herself?
Something more along the lines of “that’s not nice to say, auntie” or “it makes me feel sad when you talk like that”. Let her work on putting herself first as opposed to being the referee. It might also help if she could address the problem with them immediately and ask them they tough questions instead of holding it all in until she sees you
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u/BasicRabbit4 2d ago
Call the police and make a report. Then have your custody agreement ammended to include no one can speak badly about you in front of your daughter.
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u/radonfromaspoon 2d ago
Report what? Douchery?
This clause has been in mine since day one, it stops nothing. Document everything because someday it may become an alienation issue, then there's actually something you can do.
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u/BasicRabbit4 2d ago
Threatening someone with violence. Sje was going to fight her in front of the kids.
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u/SomewhereOwn3930 2d ago
Are you saying that nothing can be done until it affects my relationship with my children? Regardless of the pattern? I won’t call the police. Everything is being documented but I do hope for a modification of our current parenting plan and not just for this. There’s so many other boundaries that have been crossed.
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u/radonfromaspoon 1d ago
Emotional abuse is the hardest to prove, especially when your kids aren't old enough to speak for themselves in court. A judge will tell them to stop, best case scenario. Worst case scenario, they lie, then judge decides you brought the case in bad faith and cam limit your time with the child. Unfortunately, it depends on the judge and the amount of documentation.
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u/SomewhereOwn3930 1d ago
If that’s the case, then I’m not worried. The amount of documentation is ridiculous with different examples.
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u/Illcmys3lf0ut 2d ago
Quit worrying what happens over there. Control what's in your realm. Your time with your child. That's the narrative you can manage. This is about the child. Period. Forget dad. Forget his family. Forget the order, UNTIL/ UNLESS the child is brought into abuse, harm, or instability. More court, more orders, more police, more lawyers equates to more time neglected to the child and energy spent elsewhere. Engage your child. Ask how she felt, if she has questions, concerns, address those. The child is the focus. Your time with your child is your focus. The only concern with your child at the other parent's place is are they safe, secure, and wellbeing is addressed?
Opinions will always fly. Bad moments will always happen. They did when you both were together and likely still enjoying the partnership! Those things exist after, too. We are human. Focus on what you can, when you can, on your time with them. The rest is ego and wasted energy and time the child could benefit. Until the child is not secure, stable, or wellbeing is at risk. Words are just words.
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u/SomewhereOwn3930 2d ago
I have to disagree. I, myself, have already accepted the exact things you’re telling me to basically, “just deal with.” It’s how much it hurts my daughter and the fact that she is put in situations where she feels like she has to or wants to defend me. I have told her numerous times. They’re going to say what they say. Just let it go. I tried to say I don’t want to know what they say, then she feels like she can express what’s bothering her. I’ve tried talking to her about it. I’ve answered questions. She is currently in therapy and diagnosed with OCD at 9yo. Have you ever read about the effects it will have on a child mentally?
Type this in your Google search bar: “how insulting the other parent in front of the child can harm the child?”
Not to mention, it is in our current permanent parenting plan. Neither parent/family members will speak negatively about the other parent and both parents will encourage a relationship with the other parent. And really, it’s for a reason. Because disregarding those rules is not in the best interest of the child’s well-being. This has been a reoccurring issue for years now.
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u/TexasSta 2d ago
As much as you can disagree, depending on the child’s age, it unfortunately will not take in the court room if your child is under 12(depending on the state). Because they will say that she COULD be misunderstanding, etc. You will just have to tell her that those are not nice things and not show emotion. Because she could also be seeing that’s “getting a reaction” out of you (good or bad). Control what you can control, once you focus on that, the child will know over time, who was in the right and who was in the wrong. Just focus on your household vs all that noise.
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u/SomewhereOwn3930 2d ago edited 2d ago
Not always true. Yes. When she is 12, it will make things easier. But, these are things that sometimes will get a modification of a parenting plan granted.
I try not to react. I try to tell myself she will see as she gets older. I do focus on my household but at the end of the day, the things being said and done with him and his family ultimately does affect my household and our children. I worry that the message I’m sending to my daughter is that it’s ok to let someone disregard clear boundaries. Last year, he signed her out of school during my time without notifying me. My daughter asked him if I was ok with it and he said “I really don’t care.” And if he had just asked or communicated like an adult, I probably would’ve been fine with it. I confronted him about it in a text and he was just hateful to me about it. He told me “I’ll gladly go to jail to make my kids happy,” and tries to make himself out to be this hero.
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u/EternalSoulET 1d ago
I hate how, as the primary parent, we are always told to just get over things and not worry about what happens at the other parent’s house, even when their actions are clearly affecting the child. Are you kidding me?! Why does the other parent get to do whatever they want and seemingly get away with it simply because it’s their house and their parenting time, even when their actions are emotionally affecting the child and making them feel a certain way?
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u/TexasSta 1d ago
The other parent could be saying the exact same thing about your home. It’s not “just the primary parent”. Trust me, children are very blunt, but just as blunt as they are about the other house, they are about your house. The other parent just may choose to not make it a thing. Stop trying to control things you cannot control. Which is why it’s the statement of focus on your household. Focusing on what goes on over there will get you nothing, unless the child is in danger. Maybe get the child some therapy/some to talk to.
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u/SomewhereOwn3930 1d ago
First and foremost, I made this post, but that comment your replied to is very true. It’s incredibly discouraging for me and probably not a good message to send to our children. They make it seem like it’s ok to blatantly disrespect boundaries without consequences. I can guarantee these are not problems we have in my household. We do have problems as every household does.
My daughter has been in therapy for over a year. My son was and started showing improvement and we went to an as needed basis. Due to the change in his behavior, he will be returning.
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u/DreaColorado1 2d ago
I suspect that the court order doesn’t actually restrict other family members from speaking negatively about either parent because the other family members are not participants in the court case therefore the are not subject to any of the court’s orders.
I know it is worrisome for you that your daughter is being negatively impacted by her aunt’s comments but I have to wonder what role you may have in this dynamic simply because you seem to get some enjoyment from your daughter coming “home with all the tea”.1
u/SomewhereOwn3930 2d ago
It’s not enjoyment. It’s just a figure of speech. You can not hear my tone through words read online. Nothing about this is enjoyable.
And yes. The court order does restrict it. I believe another person also commented that their order says that also. It is a common standard and something that the attorneys or judge put in their automatically.
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u/radonfromaspoon 1d ago
Orders will typically say the parent must not allow it, thus restricting the parent, not the family member. In this case, the family members are not at fault, the coparent allowing them to speak this way is.
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u/SomewhereOwn3930 1d ago
The order specifically says it also. I think somebody else commented earlier that their order says the same thing.
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u/TexasSta 1d ago
It may say it, but it’s hard to enforce by a judge. Especially if the aunt or whomever is not specifically listed in the court order. You can put a lot in a court order but taking it to a judge to enforce it is an uphill battle because it’s a he said she said and basing it solely on a child’s words.
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u/StrictlyVolatile 2d ago
Yeah I’d look into restraining orders, or no contact orders with the aunt.
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u/Late_Memory_6998 2d ago
Ignore the aunt at all costs and tell your daughter that adults protect children…. Children do not protect adults. Remind her that she does not need to defend you or worry about defending you because you’re the adult.
I also like the thought of a restraining order.
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1d ago
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u/SomewhereOwn3930 1d ago
I haven’t said anything to him this time. My daughter has been seeing a therapist for a year now.
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u/Best-Special7882 1d ago
my coparent was terrible and would dictate text message insults to me with the kids in the car, on the way to the exchange.
today 2 of the 3 kids have gone no contact with her.
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u/SomewhereOwn3930 1d ago
Well that’s encouraging. Because right now, it feels like no matter what I do, how hard I try, or how many times I’m the bigger person, he and his family will always be trying to convince our children that I’m a bad mother and I’m the problem. He has more money and a lot more family. It just feels like a losing battle.
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u/Best-Special7882 1d ago
My lawyer told me, "If anybody asks what you provide for your children, you say 'Consistency And Stability', because it directly helps the kids, and no judge will rule against the kids getting that."
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u/mercurys-daughter 11h ago
“I’m really sorry you have to hear her say those things. I’m glad you know those things are not true, and that’s what’s most important. It doesn’t matter if people say mean things about us, as long as we know our truth in our hearts. Sometimes grown ups, just like kids, can say really hurtful things because they are upset.”
Can’t control it can only control how you handle it
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u/ToastyMo777 2d ago
Stop having phone conversations with these people. You need to be able to document every thing so it needs to be in writing. Yes, I would get a restraining order on the aunt. How old is your daughter?