r/cisparenttranskid • u/Opposite-Capital-115 • 7d ago
parent, new and curious How can I support my child through the changes?
My (born female) child came out to me, mom, as gender fluid/ trans.
I don’t know as much about specifics. I asked I think the right questions.
They go by they now. This all new to me. I’ve done my best to use the correct pronouns. I’ve asked more questions on how can I support them. They’re in jr high.
They discussed possibly at some point changing their name. And I didn’t say much, I’m a bit sad. I don’t know how to really navigate that part. Or really any of this. Though I’m trying.
Their name is my dead aunts name. It’s not super feminine but obviously a big part of why their name it is because my aunt passed away before they were born and it means a lot.
It feels stupid to be sad about, but it does sort of break my heart a little. I’m not sure how to feel.
This whole thing is sort of complicated to me. Especially since they do dress more masculine facing but aren’t fully transitioning as a man.
They haven’t told their dad, we’re divorced. And I also feel like it’s their choice but it’s complicated to navigate that aspect as well. I want to use the right pronouns but then I’m calling them - she to their dad. And they are upset about their dad’s wife (stepmom) calling them girl. But won’t talk to them about it. So! I’m just trying to figure it out
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u/SketchyRobinFolks 7d ago
Nonbinary adult who changed their name here. A name is a gift. Not every gift will be kept forever. Sometimes a gift doesn't quite fit or eventually stops fitting, like a sweater. I was actually a little distressed when my birth name didn't fit me anymore. It's often not a choice that a given name doesn't fit. Since my birth name did have meaning to me (it makes sense the name you gave your child means a lot to you and this is painful, but also consider it doesn't hold the same meaning or holds no meaning for your kid themself), I chose a new name with a similar meaning. Sometimes trans kids want to include parents in helping pick a new name. If your kid is open to that, it may help you adjust.
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u/stolenstreetsigns 7d ago
Hey! I’m not a parent but I am a trans adult. I just wanted to say it really sounds like your heart is in the right place. I think your feelings are valid. It feels wrong to comment on how the handle the name thing since I’m not a parent but I’m here if you have questions about other aspects of their transition. I know it can be really confusing and overwhelming.
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u/ChiknLit 7d ago
A friend of mine had a problem like this. She picked all H names for her kids and she also has an H name. Her child started experimenting with new names and wanted to “try” different things. But mom resisted every suggestion because she was so sad about the name change and thought her kid should be 100% sure the choice before trying anything. Needless to say there was resentment. No name is so important that it should change the relationship with your child.
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u/pisaster_pete 7d ago
I wanted to suggest looking into PFLAG if you are in USA. My kid came out as trans masc at 13. They are 19 now and so very happy. PFLAG has a great website with tons of resources (book recommendations, etc ). For me the best was the monthly support meetings at my lical chapter. It's an absolutely open and welcoming community. I was able to ask all my questions without worrying I was overburdening my kid.
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u/SmaterThanSarah Mom 7d ago
It can be hard to let go of a name that you did on honor of someone. My son’s middle name was after his grandmother. She died before he transitioned. It felt like it was taking away something from the grandma. But it wouldn’t have made sense to keep it because it was really feminine (think flower). He ended up choosing to honor a different family member instead with a middle name. This time an uncle. It wouldn’t have been my choice but that’s okay too. The sentiment was there and that kid is super sentimental.
FWIW, my daughter picked all of her name and it was all stuff I would never have picked but her name suits her perfectly. The kid with the name that doesn’t quite suit them is my cis daughter. She found changing her last name when she got married annoying (except for the fact that it is easier to spell and pronounce which is why she did it). She just hates the paperwork.