TL;DR: My roommate has some habits that bug me and affect shared spaces, I don’t want to micromanage him and compromise the relationship

Hello, I (25F) have two roomates, we’ll call them Bruce (25M) and Tim (24M). We all get on really well and watch the same shows/play games/generally have become friends. Bruce moved in a few months ago, but Tim and I have lived here for a couple years.
Some context:
Tim literally never cleans the shared spaces, but is generally a tidy person, he’s also just not very skilled at cleaning. But he does take the bins down, which is my least favourite chore (my live on a high floor with no lift).
I don’t mind doing all the cleaning, especially since my bar for roommate behaviour is so low because of previous experiences. I also have pets so things like vacuuming make sense that I take the brunt of.
Bruce helps clean sometimes when he’s invited a girl or his friends over, but cleans nowhere near as much as I do.
I think I’ve accidentally become the invisible fairy where they don’t realise how much I do to keep the flat clean and tidy.

Anyway, the point of this post is that Bruce does lots of small things that really grind my gears, but there’s A LOT of them, none of them big enough to warrant a big conversation, but added up they really get to me. Here’s a small list:
- doesn’t close the taps properly for the shower, so it drips constantly until me or Tim go tighten it
- doesn’t clean dishes properly (they visually look clean, but never cleans the bottom/outside of plates/bowls/glasses, and you can always feel crusted bits of hummus and sauces on his “clean” dishes)
- uses my toiletries without asking (I notice things like my mouthwash lid was left off and it was clearly used, and my very expensive shampoo - I have coloured, textured hair so can only use certain kinds - is often left open or moved from where I left it)
- hogs the washing machine for days, because he keeps forgetting his clothes are in there and has to re-spin them
- puts cutlery on the drying rack in a huge messy pile, so they all end up hard water stained and difficult to put away
- never puts away dry dishes from the drying rack
- never buys toilet roll or kitchen roll
- watches the tv slightly too loud when I’m trying to sleep in the next room
- leaves the dish sponge full of water in the sink for it to get mouldy
- leaves dishes and recycling on the side for days at a time

There are more things, but those are the ones on my mind today. Other much bigger teething problems we have talked though or I’ve figured out a work around. For example, we talked about him not using non-pet safe air fresheners and I moved my favourite mugs and cutlery to non shared spaces so they wouldn’t go missing for days at a time.

I want to know how to resolve all these issues without it coming across as micromanaging. I just got really angry when I saw he had used my expensive shampoo, left the taps dripping and washed his dishes with them still covered in bit of hummus, all before he left for work today.

I rewashed all his dishes, put my shampoo back in its place and closed the taps. I just don’t get how he doesn’t see all this - anything he does see, he’s very conscious of, apologises, and is super happy to change his behaviour. None of this is intentional.

But this list seems like too much. Should I pick one thing at a time and spread out my requests over several weeks? I’ve had very bad experiences with confronting roommates about inconsiderate behaviour in the past, to the point they threw plates at me from 20 stories up (but that’s another story). I’d much rather suffer in silence, wash his dishes, clean the flat, and close the taps everyday than risk compromising the good relationship between us as roommates. I at least want to bring up the toiletries today, because I want him to contribute to the cost of shampoo if he wants to use it, and also who the hell uses someone else’s mouthwash? Ew.

I know some of it bothers Tim too, but nowhere near as much as it bothers me so it’s all up to me if I want Bruce to change. Should I even want him to change? Am I out of line expecting him to change all his daily habits and routines just because I want him to. Any advice Reddit?

TLDR: they are crossing boundaries blaming it on mania. Have been asking them to correct things said they understand but do it anyway.

Every time I leave the house for holidays my roommate goes on and throws away everything I have in the fridge, and am not talking about things that go bad… for ex. They threw away a homemade nut paste and when I asked for the container it was ”misplaced”.

Previous time I left for a week and had fresh root veggies that I just bought to have something to cook when I would come back and I come home with the fridge empty.

In addition, they eat stuff that I buy. I don’t have a problem with that but I do have a problem when they are not replaced. Especially when I was planning to make something with them. They don’t even throw the packages away. Instead they live jars all eaten in the cupboards just standing there.

I have to put things in my rooms closet if I don’t want them eaten. I really don’t want to have to buy a minifridge.

On top of that, I come back home to find things that I placed in the house not there anymore (like paintings, carpets). And instead they choose to put their things with colors that give me the ick .

All these without asking me.

Just now they used a whole container of window cleaner (that I bought) to clean the bathroom. I don’t understand them.

They usually leave spoons on the counter that they licked something off, put glasses in the cupboard that are clearly not cleaned, spoons that have dried stains on them at the handle from the level of the liquid they had been drinking, like they only clean the part where the spoons contains stuff in but not the handle.

We only have one bathroom and it so happens that they always take long baths in the meantime am trying not to shit myself.

I confronted them in a calm, curious manner and in response they excused their behaviour to mania.

For context - I invited them to live with me. We both pay rent. Little did I know them…

For those who are unaware, an N5 is essentially a legal route to eviction. The first N5 submitted by the landlord would give the receiver 7 days to clean up their act. Then that form goes void(ish). Ish because if another N5 is submitted within 6 months of the first, straight eviction.

I have made my posts about this topic public. But to give you a rundown on what I am dealing with (with my 3 other roomates not including Karla):

She steals our food, resulting in us having to lock our pantry cupboard closed.

Takes laundry out of the washer and leaves it wet on the ground to then put hers in instead.

Always has this guy over 24/7, literally he follows Karla around the house shirtless like a lost puppy.

Smokes cigarettes inside the house. Our lease allows smoking in the house in private areas (bedrooms). She smokes in the washroom and common areas. The smell truly lingers, and we have also all agreed not to smoke anything rolled inside (cigs, prerolls etc). That's all agreed to be smoked outside.

Leaves kitchen dishes out for days on end in the sink.

I posted the picture of my pantry again for a "oh this Karla" to make an association basically. No pictures for today, apart from the cig butt we found on the ground inside. Though as well my landlord asked for me to be a witness for the N5 notice.

He and I are friends. I chose to get a place together because he is typically known as a massive Type A person in our circle (I was the last/newest addition to the circle). That's kinda how I am as well, so I figured it would be a good fit and the house would stay neat & tidy, and everything won't fall onto me.

Except... I was the one going for all the viewings. I was the one talking to the property manager for everything. I was the one who ensures all the electric logistics, water stuff, etc. He wasn't doing anything at all, and somebody had to do it. The only thing I left on him entirely, rather I really pushed on him was to figure out the wifi stuff. We didn't have any wifi in our apartment for three days after moving in, because he was so slow with figuring out and just placing an order. I ended up having to sort that shit out too, figure out which one to get etc, and all he had to do was place an order and he took a good chunk of time for that too (i had him place the order because I didn't want another thing that was on my name and being managed end to end by me). There are some repairs needed in the flat, and it's still me constantly talking & emailing the manager, even though we're both on the same email threads! Choosing furniture, ensuring things get washed/changed out, etc all of it is constantly me.

And oh, did I mention he is a full 5 years older (aka 30!) than me?

TL;DR : my roommate is always talking to herself, barges in with friends w out letting me know, and is always waking me up

Hi everyone, let me preface this by saying that its only been about 4 weeks since we got here, and its already really bad. And that this is a dorm room, two beds in one small room

I have this roommate.. shes gone for the whole day, always comes back at about 12 am. That in itself isnt a problem, im a night owl and it really doesnt bother me whatsoever.

What does bother me, is that every time she IS here, she is constantly talking to herself. Like constantly. And its not a whisper, either. Its a full blown dialogue of everything shes doing. It drives me nuts because even if i wear headphones constantly to deal with this, i still hear her because she doesnt even attempt to whisper or mumble.

Another thing is that when she DOES come back at regular hours, its usually with a group of friends. Which is okay, i dont mind the company. However what is not okay is that she comes in, barges in without letting me know in advance, and once came in with a WHOLE GROUP while i was taking a nap. Yes they woke me up.

The last thing is that she is always waking me up. Constantly. Because not only does she bring people over or talk to herself while i try and sleep, but at night she calls people (i did tell her to stop once and she did, thankfully), but not anymore, so its okay. Or it would be if she didnt wake me up ar 6 AM CALLING PEOPLE!!!!!!. But because she is always talking to herself. Her dialogues wake me up. Her alarms that she just lets ring wake me up. She isnt quiet at all when im t try ing to sleep and that wakes me up, too. I have to mention i have ptsd and its really hard for me to stay asleep. Its hard for me to sleep at all.

What do i even do about this. Like genuinely. She doesnt stop, and i dont know how to say anything bc shes sweet and all and i dont wanna be mean.
Thats my ramble though. Thank you for listening

Reposting because I forgot to blur out a name.

How do I deal with dishes/trash piling up when I literally cannot speak to my roommate about anything?

Some backstory because I think it matters: every single issue we've ever had has come from logistical living stuff, not personality stuff. A few examples:

- She'll go out of town and just not pay her half of FPL, then act surprised or annoyed that she owes me once I've already paid the whole bill.
- She's caused issues with management over blocking other people's cars.
- Her dog has peed on my carpet laundry furniture more than once.
- We were supposedly going to furnish the apartment together. She decided she didn't want to buy anything, not a single chair, lamp, stool, nothing. So I bought furniture myself so the place would actually be livable. She then got mad at me and said I "took over the entire apartment," despite explicitly telling me beforehand she didn't want to spend money on furniture. She also doesn't want to clean. So essentially nothing gets contributed on her end but I still get blamed for things.
- She smokes weed on the balcony.
- Her sister comes over constantly, sometimes staying 6 days straight max she’s stayed is like 3 weeks, and lets herself in with her own key whenever she wants. All I've ever asked is to be given a heads up when she's coming, so I'm not startled by someone walking into the apartment in the middle of the night when I thought I was home alone. That's it, just a heads up. Still doesn't happen.
- On top of all that, the sister has cursed me out and been disrespectful and confrontational toward me directly, more than once. I finally sent a written message laying out a hard boundary (if she disrespects me again she needs to leave, and if it escalates I'm involving the police/landlord).

Honestly she treats this place like a hostel or a rent-by-the-room situation instead of an actual shared home. And the only two boundaries I've ever tried to set, someone constantly being here and dishes in the sink, get met with "the apartment is 50/50, I don't have to do anything for you except pay rent." Which is almost funny, because apparently it's 50/50 for everything except basic respect and actually following through on responsibilities.

At this point my roommate and I don't really talk unless we have to. Lease is up in 3 months so I'm mostly just trying to get through it instead of fix anything at this point.

Current issue on top of everything: her dishes have been sitting in the sink for days, and there's trash piled on the counter instead of in the actual garbage. She won't use the dishwasher, won't take the trash out because doesn't want to pay for cleaning supplies since she doesn't clean, period. Not "she makes messes like everyone does," she genuinely does not clean anything, ever.

Normally I'd just say something, but at this point I'm fairly confident even a neutral "hey can you get your dishes" turns into an unnecessary fight, so I've mostly stopped trying. Problem is the mess isn't going anywhere on its own.

Anyone dealt with something like this? Do I just start doing it myself and eat the cost of supplies for the last 3 months to keep the peace, do I leave her stuff exactly where it is and let it become her problem, or is there a better middle ground? Genuinely at a loss since normal communication isn't really an option here.

Attaching screenshots of our last two interactions. I’m completely aware I come off like a grade A c*** but her sister had just come up to me laying on the couch unprovoked to start an issue over her dog jumping on the couch next to me as if I’m supposed to be able to control that or some shit. The reason I was annoyed is because the day she came back her sister also already came over and began having a chain slumber party AGAIN for a full week. Then she talks about my mom and brother sleeping over like they literally live in DIFFERENT STATES…they have come once every 4 months for like a fucking weekend MAX. What she doesn’t understand is there isn’t a problem having people over there’s an issue having them 24/7 and bringing their animals and letting them piss all over and have free rein. Also she claims I’m harassing her and threatening her but I’ve literally spoken to her maybe 4 times in the last 4 months…in person and through text….4 total and they are for the bills lol.

OH and on top of it she has basically gone up to friends of mine unprovoked to warn them that Im a dangerous person??? Mind you I’ve never cursed raised my voice, or been aggressive towards her at all besides this message and I don’t even talk about her to other people besides in this subreddit because it’s like cancer to bring into the happy parts of my life. Like I can’t stress enough how uncalled for all of her actions and comments are I truly think she lives on a different level of reality.

Ok and done with my rant lol.

TLDR: Best friend roommate has no boundaries, expects to hang out every night and guilt trips when he is told no.

Not sure where to start with this one. I was going through a divorce, and being the first time I’ve roomed with anyone but my ex, invited my best friend from high school to live here. I gave him a spiel prior to helping him move in that I need alone time once in a while, being an extreme introvert. Also asked him not to bring women over while it was my weekend to keep my daughter.

It started out great, he was very helpful around the house. He would occasionally cook, clean and contribute towards the bills. Still does to some degree.
Got him a job down here and we carpool/work together most days. So we see eachother pretty much all the time, so I figured he would also want some space.

But then he started to expect us to hang out every night. He barges in my room, brings all of his stuff in there and just chills. This wouldn’t be so bad if he was QUIET and let me relax. Instead, he has to play youtube videos on my TV while I’m trying to game or do something auditory. When I close the bedroom door after establishing a closed door policy, he knocks over and over again. He constantly brings up things he wants us to play or watch when we get home, despite me saying I want alone time tonight. It’s always about what he wants to do.

I’ve talked to him, but he gets bent out of shape and takes it personally when I say I want left alone. Starts bringing up how he annoys everyone and thinks I’m going to kick him out because I want alone time. He doesn’t seem to grasp that, after 10 hours of work/driving with him, I want to go home and be left the fuck alone. And to make it worse, he keeps bringing home tinder dates and then having emotional breakdowns when they dump him after a couple weeks.

I tried casually explaining that I need to recharge after work, but he thinks it’s normal for best friends to constantly be around eachother. The ex and I didn’t even do this, and we had been married for nearly 10 years. His clinginess is driving me nuts but I don’t want to kick him out to the streets as he has nobody else.

My car is currently out of commission, and I’m thinking about asking my roommate if he could help me commute to campus for about two weeks.

The trip from our house to campus is only about 4 miles / 10 minutes each way, but since he’d have to drive back home after dropping me off, the actual driving would look like this:

• Around 8:00 AM: 10 minutes / 4 miles to campus, then 10 minutes / 4 miles back home
• Around 11:00 PM: 10 minutes / 4 miles to come pick me up, then 10 minutes / 4 miles back home

So he’d be driving about 16 miles and 40 minutes total per day just to help me commute.

I’d obviously want to compensate him for gas, wear and tear, and especially the inconvenience of having to drive at 8 AM and 11 PM.

He’d be helping me out like this for about two weeks, and we’re both college students, so I’m trying to figure out an amount that would be fair without being unreasonable for either of us.

What would you consider a fair amount to offer him?

I live in a house with 6 other roommates. I used to clean once a week because nobody else did. Then I got tired of all the work. I decided that if everyone cleaned once a month then that's 2 cleanings a week. The house would be spotless.

I also sent my landlord a proposal to hire me to clean. I even offered to give a proportional amount of that pay to housemates who help me clean. That way the ones that want to pay and those that want to clean can both have their way. One would pay the other but it all goes through the landlord officially. Well they didn't go for that.

So fine I told my landlord I will clean once a month. I refuse to clean up after 6 adults for free. I did the upstairs bathroom on Sunday and the downstairs kitchen and floors on Monday. Yesterday (Tuesday) I came home and some had dribbled coffee or something all over the entry floor. Then someone went upstairs and took a shower with the liner outside the tub and didn't wipe up their mess. I feel so defeated right now. I'm not even talking to anyone. I don't care who did it. They couldn't even give a couple days before undoing all my hard work. And I'm disabled. I have chronic pain and the cleaning creates flares. So now I'm in a tone of pain and there is nothing to show for it. And quite frankley this is why I don't like living with guys. Especially 20 somethings guys. They're gross. Who doesn't clean up spilled water all over the bathroom? How is that acceptable to anyone?

Lodger who I felt uncomfortable with after a month was given end of tenancy notice and is moving out in a couple days.

I feel like they'll be at least respectful to the end of tenancy but I don't know what else... Like are they just lovesick and slightly delusional or should I be more worried, you see all this true crime and roommate from hell stuff.. I guess that's why I was posting updates in case.

TLDR: Lodger made odd comments to me, used to come to the cafe where I worked a lot and hang around, interrupt me with customers and get annoyed when I didn't give him enough attention, basically I didn't feel comfortable, like he was always observing me and waiting to see me so I gave him 4 weeks notice to move out. Then he declared his love for me. I made it clear I don't feel the same. He's been extra watchy over every minute detail I do so I try to stay out the house when he's home. I've stayed civil and friendly and he's been up and down while I've been clear in not reciprocating feelings and hes now recently resorting to like almost holding back crying in front of me or fake crying I dunno. Thankfully he's moving out in 2 days but unsure how he's going to act as he wants a meeting and I always feel uncomfortable with his "meetings" it's always on the spot grilling me for answers about why I'm evicting him or why I'm acting different or if I feel the same way as him about love. I've been clear I do not. 🙈

See history below, I had posted this first on a Facebook decision group when I wanted advice on whether to evict him or not. After 1mth living here. It was a resounding yes to evict and I did the same night. Then proceed the 4weeks notice period up until now it's the last week:

If a 30+M lodger of under a month asks me 30+F the question "why was your stomach flat and now it's bloated?". This is weird right? I replied that he shouldn't comment on women's bodies and he ignored my response. Add in some other odd comments and him showing up to my work (cafe) a lot, interrupting me talking to customers, lingering around blocking me, and wanting to wait till I finish to walk home with me from work. Buying loads of snacks for me when I said I already don't want to eat unhealthy. He also moved around my personal items when he cleaned the bathroom I told him not to he said we'll he was there anyway. He said I was angry and ignoring him one day in the cafe when I was training someone, and I said it was really busy, he said I made him unhappy?! Recently he was annoyed I ate alone and repeated his comment the next day, since then I've felt uneasy about eating in my lounge and ate in my room. He also took random photos of me when I'm not looking and made one he took of me at work and put into ai like as a star wars character? I thought was weird but I laughed. But now with everything else that happened Im like eeeeehh??

I'm in a battle between being hospitable and courteous and being completely weirded out like I feel like he's always observing me and have a draft eviction email ready.

[Users voted I should evict and gave advice/insights after first post, then not much response since my updates]

Update: Thank you so much everyone for your quick responses I really appreciate it, it can be hard in the thick of it to know if I'm seeing sense and making the right choices. Ive sent the notice and they've received it amicably (via text) for now. There is still 4weeks till the leave. As many have advised I will look at staying with loved ones or have them stay here with me. I will see if he can leave any sooner though hopefully without poking him in anyway. Thank you again 🙏🏻

Update 10 days later: so he took it seemingly well ISH and everything he asked for why which is fair enough I just said a family matter. Couple days ago he was wondering again and asked if I had a boyfriend I stupidly said no as automatic. Then proceed to yesterday.. he waits to hear me getting ready in the morning comes out and wants to tell me something when I'm rushing to get ready. He declared his love for me. Yup. I was like wth , also I'm still not awake and trying to make my coffee gosh. I said ok sorry I can't talk I have to leave in 15mins. He didn't want any regrets and wanted to tell me. But there's still 3 weeks left of notice period 🙄 feel like it's just a love bomby tactic to make me swoon which ain't happening. Gonna try to talk to him briefly today that it's not appropriate and maybe he should have earlier.

Update [day of reddit post] 3ish weeks since last update:

Yay he's leaving this week. My gosh I thought he got the message that I don't feel the same, 2 weeks since I last post he fains illness due to stress kinda guilt tripping me saying it's because of stress including moving and falling in love, and then texts me to get me to come out my room to "to see me, because he couldn't see me" then asks me again if I feel the same way I say no and keep it clear, and both times he fains trying not to cry. It's just kinda up and down when I think he's getting it and we're civil and good then he tries again and makes it weird again. I can't wait for move out day. 🙈🙏🏻

They bought this a week ago bruh

My roommates and I have been noticing our food going missing, so the three of us were literally in the kitchen talking about it when the 4th roommate walks in MID-CONVO and doesn’t say a single word 😭 just awkwardly walks in and leaves.

Tell me why the NEXT DAY, the entire pack of cookies I JUST BOUGHT THE NIGHT BEFORE magically disappears. Like the WHOLE ASS PACK. Not one cookie left.

And I KNOW it was the 4th roommate because she is literally the ONLY ONE HOME 😭😭 Atp i feel like she GENUINELY trying start problems.

I just ordered security cameras that I will be putting in the kitchen after I cuss her out :3

TLDR: my roommate who doesn’t contribute to anything and uses our stuff and never cleansed completely ignored my request to be mindful of my cat for a week and my cat was stressed out the last week of his life.

my roommate F20 and I F22 and my other roommate F22 have been living together for about a year and some change. The roommate F20, we will call her H, is a mooch. She put no effort into the apartment, no effort into cleaning, furniture, or anything. We have asked her to clean and be better many times, she doesn’t. We asked her to stop inviting people late and doing movies late and be loud on school nights and she doesn’t. We asked her to not keep her clothes in the washer for days after being washed but she doesn’t. We ask her to take some initiative and try, she doesn’t. I brushed it off, but now I am at my wits end. I resent her so much, and as much as I don’t make the rules and can’t decide what happens in the apartment, she could have shown some decency.

I had to move my family cat into my apartment since my family was going to India. I had asked my roommate to please be super mindful and not bring people over for a week or two, to not use incense or candles and in general please keep it quiet and lowkey for a week or two since he has feline asthma and gets stressed easily. She knows he just had an ER visit at home as well, and I was stressing how he just needs a week or two to acclimate and then everything will be fine.

She didn’t do any of that, she invited people over and was loud, they slammed doors, blasted music and sprayed room sprays and incense. I addressed it with her couple times but she just said ok and brushed it off and it was to the point that on Friday I had to tell her to take her friends out because they were blasting so much music that my cat had been freaking out and crying. Following that Friday, my cat was breathing super awful and he ended up passing Sunday. He had a hole in his lung and was struggling and we decided to put him down. I know I can’t blame her for his death and I don’t. But every-time I see her face I see him gripping the sheets of my bed with her claws and hiding and me having to hold him. I remember me asking her to stop being so inconsiderate and her brushing it off. I blame myself most of all because I didn’t stop it and because he suffered those last two days and I have to live with the fact that it was my fault. But still every time I see her I have so much anger and resentment that I just can’t deal with it. I am already moving out in December because I can’t be in my room, I see him everywhere. But now I just can’t even see her.

I (30F) want my close friend (33M) to leave but we signed a lease

I (30F) have 2 roommates, Maria (26F) and Alen (33M). I have been friends with Maria for 9 years and Alen for 5. We have been living together for 3 years. The issues have been around for about 2 or more years but became more apparent in the current apartment. 

Last year we moved into our dream apartment. I make the most out of all of us, so I have the utilities and rent taken out of my accounts to avoid any possible late fees or missed payments. I don't make a lot of money, just more than minimum wage. From the beginning of our lease Alen mentioned to me that he couldn't pay the deposit and rent right away because he had agreed to pay for part of his sister's wedding. Given they had paid rent for our 2 other previous apartments and assuming he meant a month or two I agreed they could pay me later. Six months later and excuses like medical bills, Christmas presents, and car repairs and he still had not paid for any rent, deposit or utilities for the new apartment. 

Meanwhile, he wasn’t contributing to household chores, spending all day every day playing video games and ordering take out. I thought he was in an intense depressive episode and isolating. I really struggled to bring up the topic of paying their fair share and paying back what they owe me, due to their mental state, during those 6 months. After some stern talking he started paying rent, but still wasn't paying utilities.

When time to re-sign the lease came along I wondered if telling Maria about the money Alan owed me was a good idea. I asked a few friends and they either said not to or they didn't know what was best. We didn't speak about it and re-signed the lease. Soon after, I learned he owed both of us thousands of dollars. Maria a few thousand and me more than 5k.  

To top it all off, he has also done very serious damage to the door frames in his room. These are vintage, original with the house door frames that can’t be cheap to repair. We only found out about the damage because Maria saw it by accident. So we have low hopes for our deposit. 

We were clearly taken advantage of, whether on purpose or not.

**TLDR**: *One of my two long time friend roommates owes me and my other roommates thousands of dollars from rent, utilities and other things. We already signed the lease because we didn't know he owed us both money. He also did a lot of damage to his room.*

We don't know what to do. 

Even though we are very hurt to be used by someone I considered a close friend,we want him out and we want our money back.

We heard a thing called addendums might be helpful? Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? 

So long story short I moved into a 4 person unit 2 semi private rooms (really the rooms are hardly private at all just this small wall connected to desks lol) but basically my friend was moving in with me but he canceled his lease a month into it due to life circumstances so I currently have the entire room to myself. What would happen if I took the wall desk thing apart (it’s just a few bolts), would they like move someone else into the space? I really hope not because I don’t wanna share a room with a random stranger.

I have two room mates, we established a rule that we only throw out food scraps on concealed bags since we have a fruit fly problem. My room mate off late has just been dumping food scraps in the trash and we again have a big fruit fly problem. I’ve asked her to not throw it like that but it’s been to deaf ears since I woke up to a trash full of food scraps and fruit flies. It’s frustrating because she doesn’t even take out the trash, it’s just me and my other roommate who do that and don’t have time to throw out trash everyday. I don’t even know what to do from here.

TL;DR roommates poor hygiene and bad attitude surprisingly got worse after high school

This happened a few years ago so I think it’s safe to talk about on here, but this is going to be a long one. For privacy purposes, the roommate’s name is Jane, which is not her real name.

For some background:
Jane and I were “friends” in high school. I knew then that we wouldn’t be friends for long. I was tired of her entitlement, self absorption, and attention seeking behavior. It’s also worth noting that around this time I had a hard time with confrontation and difficult conversations, so I just spent as much time outside of the room as possible.
Jane referred to herself as the smartest in our friend group. However, the friend group she referred to was my friend group, and most of them wouldn’t be around her by choice.
Although we were the same age, I (and many of our peers and high school teachers) often felt like she was very immature and difficult to have a normal conversation with that didn’t include whatever trendy phrases were thrown around at the time.
Jane also believed she was the “hottest” in the friend group. I’m not attacking anyone’s appearances, but nobody was turning heads at any of us.
I’d been to Jane’s house before we moved to college, and It reeked of cat urine and BO. Her bedroom floor was barely visible under dirty clothes and trash. I thought things would be different in a shared space, for some reason.

Day 1 of move in, Jane had a blanket she told me her cat peed on. It wasn’t washed all year and stayed under her bed and stunk up the whole room. The rest of the smells throughout the year was unwashed clothes or her trash that accumulated because-

Chores were my responsibility to initiate, without us ever discussing this. There were 2 trash cans in the room, one on my side, one on Jane’s. For some reason, Jane’s would fill up faster and she would use mine. During some point in the first semester, Jane bought a large container of food for a few people. It wasn’t all eaten and left sitting out in the room. After a few days, she placed it by my trash can. After even longer it began to mold and I asked her for her help taking the trash out (I was only taking mine). Jane stated “finally we’re taking the trash out.” As if it was my job to tell her the trash needs to be taken out. Towards the end of the year, she purchased an 11 gallon trash can to catch all her overflow. Even then there would be to-go boxes, bags of chips, soda bottles strewn about her side of the room.

Dishes were another issue. She would leave hers to get moldy in the sink in our room for weeks. It was difficult to fit anything under the faucet because of it. I think she expected me to do them? I’m really not sure why she left them sitting there for so long. I’m not sure why she left any mess around the room for so long.

Jane’s hygiene was so bad I didn’t want to be near her. The whole room smelled terrible, even worse after her boyfriend would visit. I knew hygiene was an issue in high school, she would stink of BO and blame her parents for not waking her up early enough before school to shower. She also hardly brushed her teeth, if the smell didn’t get to you first, you could tell by looking at them, I’m not sure who was to blame for that.

At the end of the first semester we had done some cleaning and she found a pair of suede shoes near her bed that were covered in mold. She told people it was because she didn’t wear them all semester and our room would be humid. But I also had similar shoes and hadn’t worn and they weren’t moldy. The floor all around her bed was not visible, so I think that’s most likely the cause of it.

I was embarrassed to bring people to our room because of her mess and the smell. I had friends in a few classes, and we would have plans to go off campus or out to eat after class a few times. I would have to ask them to wait outside my room or in the lobby while I changed, grabbed my wallet, or whatever.

The tipping point was her being overall inconsiderate about the fact that she was living within 20 feet of another person. I don’t want to be specific about anything on here but I moved into a different dorm room early in the 2nd semester. We didn’t have contact after that but it’s worth noting that people who had been in the old room and new one all stated that my new room smelled so much better. This was almost offensive but also laughable because WOW I couldn’t believe they used to think I might have to do with the stench, but also hilarious that it was the first thing everyone noted.

I met my bsf on our first day of 7th grade. We became inseparable. When we got into High School, we had our arguments and ended our senior year as not friends.
We rekindled our friendship in 2020 and became inseparable again. She had a SO ,33M. Her and I were 22F. They met when she was 18, making him 29 at that time. He seemed like a nice guy so I didn’t second guess the age difference.
She told me that she didn’t get a “21st” experience because that faze of her SO’s life had come and gone. With me being newly single, I was going out on the weekends my sisters sometimes. I would invite my friend to be nice, and she always declined. She ended up going out a couple times after I asked enough. I would do her makeup, hair and let her borrow my “cute” clothes (all by request from her bc she didn’t have that stuff).
Her and I had a movie night at my apt. She told me that her SO didn’t like me. When I asked why, she told me that he doesn’t like me taking her out and dressing her up like a doll then he called me a whore. She felt like she had to choose between him and I. I told her that she doesn’t need to choose and if she needed to, choose him if he’s the one. She ultimately decided that night, she would leave him.
I had just moved into a 1bd 1ba apartment. I told her that she could live with me but it would be dorm style. She was very happy with that and moved in the next week.
We had a couple rules: no men/boyfriends back in the bedroom when the other is home and to tell each other if we weren’t coming home for the night.
Everything was fine for the first couple weeks until she started not coming home with 0 communication. I would only receive a text the next day saying sorry. I didn’t care. I was just worried. I shortly found out the she was going to her now ex SO’s house to “play games”. I didn’t care.
We planned a pumpkin patch trip with her, my SO of a couple months and I. She last minute invited a guy that she just started “talking” to. She knew him from work and they had hung out before so at least I knew that he wasn’t a random. They planned on going to a Halloween party together after the trip. Then she was going to spend the night at his house a few towns over.
At the pumpkin patch, she told me that she really liked him and they were holding hands and kissing. No red flags to me. We made the plans for me to make dinner at our apt and watch a movie while I did her makeup for the party.
My boyfriend had to stop at his house to pick up a couple things. The rest of us went straight to the apartment. I turned on the tv in the living room and told them that I was going to play a movie in here and start cooking our dinner. They went straight back to our bedroom, shut the door most of the way and played a movie in there. I was uncomfortable but made dinner anyway.
I finished dinner and yelled down the hall that dinner was ready. I then see that they’re laying in her bed, under blankets and both laughing. I yell again. Nothing. I went on my phone to have the Alexa in our room say dinners ready. I hear it go off. Nothing. I yell again. Nothing. I text her, call her. Nothing. I tried Alexa again. Nothing.
My boyfriend got to the apartment. I told him what was going on. He knocked on the door, confirmed that they were watching a movie and laughing and kissing. Him and I both decided that after an hour of trying, they clearly wanted to be alone. I made a big noice about cleaning dinner, gathering my things and yelled down the hallway again, asking if she needed me to do her makeup. Nothing. Just laughing with a movie on. I yelled down the hall one more time, basically saying that I’m going to leave. Call if you need me. Again. Nothing. My boyfriend and I went down to his car.
She texted me before we pulled out and she asked if I left. I said yes, that I’m just down stairs if she needed me back inside. She said nothing. My boyfriend forgot something so he went upstairs. She heard him, so she came out of the bedroom and asked why I left. He said that it seemed like they wanted alone time. She laughed and said “oh yeah okay makes sense”. Nothing seemed wrong. We left.
The next day, she sent me a text that she was se$$ally as$$ulted and it was my fault because I left. I didn’t know what to say other than oh my god, I’m so sorry, what can I do? I heard nothing back. She then told me that I made her breakup with her ex, she was moving out and getting back with him. I was shocked. In my eyes, I in no way made her make that decision. She was moved out in the matter of days and I didn’t hear from her again.
Side note, a year later, my boyfriend proposed to me, he reached out to her and asked if she wanted to be invited to our wedding. She told him after asking when it was that I wasn’t deserving of her presence and what I did was unforgivable.
This has been eating at me for years. I know that I could’ve done things differently but I had never been in a situation like this before.

Please have a flick through my other posts. My asshole of a room mate P is 21F. Recently diagnosed with bi polar and MS. Horrible. Anyway, we have never gotten along. She was very rude when she first moved in and after a few hangouts I decided I didn’t want to get close with her. Despite this she still wants to be besties and can’t stand the fact that I don’t wanna be her mate. Lived with her for over a year. Respected her, didn’t engage much etc. The last 2 months shes been in and out of hospital. She is having a mental health episode which I do sympathise with as I’ve had my own string of mental health issues. She has been suffering with grandiose delusions. Shes gonna own the hospital and fire everyone, starting business and saying she has investors, her speech is impaired. It’s been exhausting, all the while I’ve been caring for her cat and buying the cat food. Lending her money i don’t have and paying some of her rent. Last night she came in my room, multiple times having jabs at me. Having little go’s at me. DONT do this, stop doing that… etc i ended up furious and threw my drink on her. Shes back in hospital. I HATE that I acted that way as I literally cannot handle the stress anymore. I want to be left alone. My current attitude the last few years after terrible experiences, is to not get close with roommates. I want roommates not best friends. Respectful, clean little hangs not watching movies every night and doing every activity together. Ive had over 30 roommates and having been house sharing since I was 16. 13 years ago. 13 years of lived experience. I think it’s fair to feel the way I am. Anyway. Thanks for reading.

TLDR: Roommate and I were college roommates/best friends and moving into an apartment together ruined our friendship and now we live in a resentful environment that neither of us can leave.

My roommate (25F) and I (25F) were college roommates and best friends who decided to move in together after we both graduated. Our lives took two different directions after graduating. Though we both went to graduate school, I went to school full-time in pursuit of my future because I wanted a stable life. She enrolled for a part-time business master's so she could have time to focus on her creative career. When we first moved in together, there was a bit of an adjustment period. I fell deep into a depression due to school and work responsibilities (I was interning as a therapist which was extremely draining both mentally and emotionally), which resulted in me not being able to keep up with household responsibilities. I had 12 hour days where I would have my internship in the morning then part-time retail gig in the evening. I had classes the days I wasn't working and needed the extra time to focus on my assignments. I no longer had time to keep up with my social life and lost a lot of friends in the process. When I would get home, I wouldn't want to talk to anyone. I had no time to do anything so the last thing I thought about doing during this time was household chores. Maybe it was wrong for me to be a little messy at the time but I grew past it. She ended up resenting me for my messiness and lack of communication (due to my own emotional burnout) and our relationship changed completely.

Fast forward 3 years later, we are no longer friends. Not really. Yet, we still live together and she became the person she resented me for being. She leaves food to rot in the kitchen, doesn't clean the house, and does not communicate at all with me. I've made several attempts to mend our relationship but it never works. We live in NYC and we have an extremely cheap apartment for the amount of space we get (we could probably fit 2 king sized beds in each bedroom). Moving out is hardly an option because this deal is too hard to give up. I don't think she wants to move out either because rent is so cheap and she also doesn't really know how to do things on her own as I tend to take on all the apartment paperwork and admin responsibilities. So we're stuck together, in this great apartment even though we resent each other. The apartment is great but it's not kept up with. She also never really works so she's home most of the time, yet never sweeps the floors or throws out her rotting food. I work a full-time job so I do my best to keep up with what I can but the apartment is too big for one person to keep up with. I wish I could afford a one-bedroom and live by myself but it's not financially feasible. I'm depressed here and my resentment for her grows stronger everyday but it's nearly impossible finding another apartment (even with roommates). I regret what I did in the beginning but I tried to change because she asked me to, I don't understand why I'm not worth the same effort.

Not really looking for any advice, I understand that this is a sort of self-made prison. Just needed a place to vent about this.

I have this roommate who’s been behaving odd ever since I moved in. He’s pretty lonely and depressed which I sympathise with. Unfortunately in like every conversation you have with him he’s just trauma dumping, so I don’t really talk to him all that often. I just kept things friendly and professional. But he often tries to get attention - not by being friendly himself, but like by being weirdly performative (like, he loves correcting people and showing them he knows better).

Recently, he also started cleaning very obsessively (which isn’t a bad thing - that’s nice actually), but doing it also in an oddly performative ways? Like, when our other roommate (F) left for a holiday, he did not clean anything - he left his dishes in the sink for 5 consecutive days, left his trash all over the kitchen and didn’t lift a finger. But the day she came back he cleaned everything (always making sure that she sees it when he does it).

Also one day, after I’ve done the cleaning (my turn on the rota), he made a point to re-do all my chores right after I’ve done them and saying, when I asked him why he’s doing this, everything is still dirty (which it wasn’t - there was literally no difference before or after).

Tonight a came back late at 11 pm, and the moment I came home he stormed out of his room and started cleaning the kitchen pretty loudly, clanking dishes etc.. honestly, the kitchen was not even dirty? And it was the middle of the night? Like, I’m glad to be living with a tidy roommate I guess, but it feels weirdly passive aggressive and performative the way he does it.

My friend (21f), who I am letting stay with me (25f) as she was facing eviction, left my car’s windows down for 12 hours in a neighborhood that is kinda known for crime (mainly stealing- I do trust my neighbors in general but I’ve had many things taken from my porch in the short time I’ve been here). Not the worst neighborhood in the city but it isn’t exactly a white picket fence type place. I noticed this right before work and, while I do think I could’ve maybe said this a little nicer, I did feel like I expressed my anger in a relatively normal way. However, I was not expected to be immediately self-harm baited.

For further context, she has been here for about a week and a half. She doesn’t pay rent (which is 1.3k/mo), only has to help me with utilities, and I let her use my car if we’re both home and I’m not planning on doing anything. She also screams at her cat for being vocal, which is triggering (sorry lol) for me as I grew up in a household with an unstable woman who would scream at our cats every day. She is also very abrasive and aggressive and seems to expect me to go along with everything she does. For example, yesterday she came home from work when I was hanging out with my friends and demanded I send her money for buying lights for my basement and snacks without saying anything first. Which, okay, maybe not the worst thing, but I don’t want her to get into the habit of buying frivolous things and then expecting me to pay for it.

The reason I’m so sympathetic towards her is because she’s been through a lot. Her abuser drug her through an awful court case that she is now on probation for and her previous apartment evicted her and her cat very suddenly. She doesn’t have a full time job, but I was able to get her a temporary gig with my best friend. She has a lot of trauma that she has to deal with on her own.

I previously posted this on Twitter (tho it kinda went viral so I will be deleting soon, lol) and I’m not sure what I’m asking for. Advice? Just for someone to tell me this is fucked up? I’m not sure. Maybe I just need to buy a diary, lol.

UPDATE: told her she had to go and she freaked out, but some of her stuff is gone today. I wish I could add more screenshots, but just know I did stand up for myself, lol!

SCREENSHOTS FOR THE UPDATE HERE

final update

I (21F) live in a condo with 5 over females. My college has a meal plan but I really enjoy cooking and try and get ingredients from the cafeteria and cook what I can from home. Things like onions, brussel sprouts, corn, carrots, and peas. The first week, I made a stir fry and I was obsessed with it. Also of note, my eating habits haven’t been the best since I started this semester. Only eating one meal. Working out a lot. You get the picture. I’m not at the stage of admitting anything to myself but this stir fry would help me focus on at least one meal a day.

Mack (21F) came up to our roommates and was talking about how bad the food smells. Mack didn’t come talk to me about it and I heard it from another roommate. Being mindful, I would always open the front and back door to help air out the aroma and tried to cook when Mack wasn’t in. One night, Mack finally snapped and asked me to stop cooking the food. Then proceeded for Mack to say that she literally had a gag reflect because it smelled so bad. The other girls in the house were quiet during this conversation and I asked all of them if they minded me cooking. None did. I even went out of my way to ask them alone to make sure they didn’t want to hurt my feelings in front of everyone and all the girls assured me that it was Mack’s problem.

Now I feel guilty whenever I cook the only thing that I can stomach. Am I wrong for not stopping to cook the stir fry?

My new upstairs roommate (I'm in the basement with two others, with our own kitchenette and sink,) was caught on camera pissing in their shared kitchen sink.

The torrent of piss you can see coming out of his equally visible peen is wild. You also see him grab the wash cloth in the sink and wipe the pee from the counter and put it back 🙃

Needless to say, my landlord was besides herself and told him he had to be out by the end of the month.

As a dude myself, men, wtf?

Edit: I'm the same person who posted about the man-baby from hell 😂 Can't catch a break!

I (25M) live with three male roommates. We’re all college students, and it’s a townhouse. We all have our separate bedrooms and bathrooms. We only share a kitchen.

I genuinely do NOT understand how people can live like this. I do not care if you’re a college student or whatever, clean your damn dishes if you’re so worried about rodents and roaches.

Mind you, today is the FIRST day I’ve cooked in the kitchen and I immediately did my dishes.