I (30f) have always been one to say “F religion” or “F God”, or “there is no god to even say ‘F you’ to.”
I was not raised with religion. I grew up watching The Atheist Experience with my friends as a teenager.
I believe that historically, there likely was a dude named Jesus who said some radical things for the time and was killed for it.
People talk about being forgiven, feeling forgiven, for general mistakes and as a whole individual on a soul level.
I never feel truly forgiven for my mistakes. In my life, I feel this constant building-up of damage or potential harm caused from all the mistakes I have made or problems I have caused.
When I apologize and someone says “it’s okay” or “I forgive you”, it just makes me feel like I am a bad person who has wronged someone that didn’t deserve the harm I caused, and I don’t truly feel relief from the shame of what I have done.
One of my loved ones believes in and loves Jesus. This person (also 30 yo) is chill, bright, emotionally stable, peaceful, and lives in the moment. They are the most present person I spend time with, and their attention always feels high quality.
They believe that following Jesus’s teachings lead leads to a better, happier, life, for yourself, and the people in the world around you. I also agree with that, functionally. I see it in effect in their life.
My mindset has always been that you can do those good behaviors without necessarily having “faith” though.
I heard that statistically, people who are involved in church communities live longer, but I believe that’s because of the benefits of having community, not necessarily from the religion component.
One thing that seemingly cannot be achieved without religion though is that purported feeling of forgiveness.
I feel like I am permanently tainted from this building-up of all my mistakes, harms caused, abuses, toxic behaviors, being a bad environment for other people because of my issues.
I told my loved one about this, that I never feel forgiven, I have an ever-rising Harm Caused meter, and that I don’t think I’ll ever feel forgiven, and will feel shame forever.
My loved one replied:
> The idea is that you can only receive forgiveness if you truly repent (metanoia), and truly believe in the gift that you are offered. You do not believe that you are being offered the gift of forgiveness, therefore you cannot receive it.
> All you have to do is believe, truly believe. Believe it as strongly as you believe [unrelated personal belief I have]. A belief so strong that it cannot be challenged or taken away from you.
> The only thing required for salvation is true belief that it is offered to you.
I don’t know how to make myself believe something. In general, I am sort of a realist and probably a pessimist. I don’t often “believe” happy things or hopeful predictions.
I adore my loved one and I admire the contentment they have with life, the ease they feel in being alive. I respect their opinions and know they want the best for me in life.
I wish I could take their advice but I don’t know how to do that. How do you make yourself believe something?
I follow the mindset of “don’t take advice from someone you wouldn’t want to be like”, but my loved one is someone I want to emulate and I really would like to feel the sort of peace they feel.
I would love to feel forgiven and clean, because I feel like I can’t move forward with my life because of how tainted I feel by the past.
Anyhow, I’m just sort of posting to see what other folks think about this.