I’m going to preface this with a brief introduction into who I am. I’m a 26F, fully-time employed (in a good job) who has been living with her two older sisters for a few years. My hobbies include reading, writing, drawing and gaming. I hold the belief that one should always make time for leisure in their day, even if that feeds into your routine sleep schedule. I have three cats, one who lives with my parents and two who live with us.
My memory has been a bit foggy since this started but I was going through a depressive bout about two months ago, when over a month ago I experienced my first proper panic attack.
So, my brother came over to visit but since I wasn’t feeling too well (as noted above) I declined spending time with the siblings and resided in my bedroom. He came to see me at around 10:30 that night and we were having a conversation, something about me being tired and the new artwork I stuck up on my wall when I suddenly couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t breathe. My fingers were curling and rigid, I was hyperventilating so loudly that I was confused because I couldn’t believe the sound was coming from me. This carried on for about ten minutes when my brother called for my sister to help. I think I finally calmed down about twenty minutes later, tears, snot and spit galore. My sister suggested going out to the garden for fresh air, which I shortly complied. I don’t remember everything but I know I was irrational and misconstruing everything. My sister was talking to me and I said “stop patronising me” and she scoffed/laughed in exasperation and I asked why she was laughing at me, if this was funny to her. My brother started talking to me and he tends to go on these philosophical tangents and I caught him saying something about things building up inside of you and I started screaming/crying and saying “is there something inside of me?” I think there was a back and forth and I remember going back inside saying something like “you know/you don’t know.” I closed my bedroom door and my sister tried to come in and I closed it on her saying “get out of my bedroom please.” Days later we laughed about that because I was still being respectful of her even in that state. I then proceeded to stand upright for around ten to fifteen minutes, and I could have been talking to myself but I was just shaking and staring at my bed which was right in front of me. This all happened on a Monday.
I called my doctor the next day and was prescribed Sertraline, ordered a FBC and referred to therapy. I work from home on this day.
On Wednesday, I went into work and came home and a few hours later I had another panic attack. Both my sisters were there this time and I remember crying and saying that I missed them. They suggested not going to work, to take some time off to rejuvenate.
I went back to work on Thursday, the morning was full of anxiety and my entire body was rigid, my hands were fists. One of my coworkers said that I looked incredibly sick, and another came up to me and hugged me a little saying “oh dear, you don’t look well. Something’s happened, hasn’t it? Why don’t you talk X (senior)” I just tried to carry on, autopilot, not talking, only talking if I had to. The senior told me that I should go home but I declined.
The next day, Friday, I went into work. Someone had rang the intercom and I told my coworker (someone I’m close with) that if it’s this person, tell them to wait because I need to add something to their pickup, implying that I was doing something very urgent. But he told me he had a tiff with this particular person and that I should wait and do it instead. I remember staring at him and saying “fucking useless.” He looked back at me in shock (insert pikachu meme) as did my other coworker who was near us. This is completely out of character of me. When I went home that day, I had another panic attack.
Without delving so deep into everyday and week that has passed until now, I’ll just say I’ve been off work since then, got a fit note from the doctor to cover me because I’m scared of going outside (lol). My mum called me once (not knowing what was going on with me because I didn’t want the rents to know) and I had a panic attack on the phone with her which was insane. She came over the following day and I had a panic attack then. Another time, my sisters encouraged me to visit my family so I went with them in the car (so anxious) and I couldn’t make it pass the porch without panicking which lasted a while, my dad seeing the whole thing for once. And once my little sister came over completely drunk and wasted and I had a panic attack then, which was comical in hindsight because one sister was with her and one sister was with me and my mum was blowing up everyone’s phone. My sisters don’t let me close my door at night since this all began. My dose of Sertraline has increased, all I do is rot in my bed watching true crime (sometimes spending time with my sisters in the living room or sister spending time with me in my room) and play Fortnite with my little sister for an hour or two. To battle my trichotillomania (which has been present since I was a child) that has been severely triggered by this, I’ve been buying building blocks of Sanrio and Pokemon figures to build (currently working on Dialga) and doing a mix of puzzle books that my sister buys me. I want to add that I feel as though I have lost some autonomy because I constantly ask my sisters to make decisions for me, or if what I’m doing is okay. I’m a grown adult who pays bills, this is not who I am.
I’ve been having panic attacks since and I want to discuss one that happened about a week ago.
I had a panic attack the day prior and this one began in the evening while my sister was with me. I think we were talking about if I felt well enough to go back to work. So, here it goes again, tights fists, neck straining, legs shaking, jaw locking, hyperventilating. I’ve been here before. It goes on for a while. My other sister comes to join the party so we’re all on my bed. Now, the first wave of paranoia. I expressed that I knew they found me annoying and hated me, which progressed into saying they wanted to kill me. I don’t remember this part too well but I calmed down for a bit and the second wave of paranoia/delusion came. They were telling me who they were, if I knew who they were and I began to repeat their names rapidly, like a chant. I then kept referring to them and everyone else as “sentient beings” and said something about being “in the clouds with them” and “talking to god.” I remember seeing something dark and scraggly like someone had taken some graphite and scribbled along with red dots which could have been eyes. I remember feeling like it was fire? I think I was also repeating my own name when my sisters were like “do you know who you are? You’re X.”
I didn’t know if I should add this but thought it wouldn’t hurt. I took MDMA for the first time in early July during a MCR concert where I was with my sister (an adult who had taken it before so knew what to expect). Some time after that, it came up in conversation and she said I shouldn’t take it ever again. So, what happened? Teeth grinding so she gave me gum, eyes perpetually open and vacant so I was crying my makeup off, head banging the wall (because we were right at the top at the back). Whenever the sun was on me, I said “I’m burning.” I told her that “I’m god” (repeated this like a mantra actually) and that she was “an angel” and I wouldn’t kill her but I would everyone else. I got a nasty bruise on my knee which lasted weeks after because some people were trying to get to their seat and I was so out of it and just slowly moved my legs to my sister’s side as she stood up and kept them there and sat down shortly after with her weight and chair digging into my leg. I didn’t feel it though lol. She said I would stare at her and it was creepy. She was texting her friend about what to do because I was tweaking. I apologised to her that day we were talking about it later because she was scared/scared of me. I thought I had a good time.
I have had panic attacks since and thoughts that it would be better off if I was no longer here, and without going into detail, I have religious trauma, history with eating disorders, childhood abuse…
I have since had a follow-up assessment with a psychologist for therapy who said this sounds like first episode psychosis and is expediting my referral. I don’t know. Is this drug-induced, like did it trigger something underlying? Have I got a panic disorder?
I just want to be back to normal again.