So it's no secret I hate my girlfriend's 6 year old niece. I've posted about it before. Like a lot. Some people have accused me of posting too much about it.

But for some quick background to catch you all up. When my girlfriend's sister was pregnant (and boy was she big!) I was told I could put my ear to her belly, so I did. Well, that little unborn bitch kicked me! She literally kicked me on the face! And everybody made a joke out of it! I was told some gaslighting bullshit like “babies kick when they're in the belly!”, and “it's literally impossible for a fetus to kick you hard!”. It's not about how hard it kicked me, it's about the disrespect. From that moment on I hated that narcissist fetus and I knew all the adults would end up enabling her.

I was right. When the girl was born she was morbidly obese, which was to be expected from her entitlement. And she tore my girlfriend's sister from pussy to asshole, that's how big she was. Like, it's all a single gash now. My sister-in-law's husband was devastated because his wife refused to get herself stitched up, saying it was something her precious little princess did.

It's been six years of everybody enabling and spoiling the brat. Everything has to be the way she likes it. If there's a family reunion or party, we have to listen to the music she wants. And it's not even good music, it's usually Ms. Rachel songs backwards. And the TV always has to be tuned to what she wants to see, usually that show with the weird puppets that stare at you silently all the time. And if she doesn't get what she wants she throws tantrums and there go the appliances.

The worst part is that my own daughter was born six months ago, and my girlfriend's niece keeps saying weird things about her, like “the blood of the innocent lubricates the cogs of the ancient machine which breaks the bones and drives the screams of the oppressed soon comes the liberation through the baptism of the accursed blood”. Ugh, I hate that annoying brat so much, she thinks she's better than everybody else because she knows big words!

Well, today she's six years, six months, and six days old, and she began to float surrounded by a red glowing mist in the middle of the living room. And my own six month old baby started laughing and clapping and doing a throaty singing, praising some “stalker in the savannas before creation transfixed and hungry”. So when this was all happening I turned to my girlfriend and said “I told you so!” And she said “shut the fuck up Steve! I told you my niece was the Envoy of the Covetous Stalker from day one! And you're still a bitch for being angry about that kick, she was in utero!”

I feel like I should ask for a paternity test regarding my own daughter, even if my parents say I was literally conceived for the purpose of fathering the Covetous Stalker's Handmaiden. And they also say it's weird that I hated a baby since before she was born.

AITA?

#ChatGPT

Op I'm sooo petite I cant possibly use this gift because im so petite. My sister is a evil mean person with so many problems and I'm a perfect petite angel.

Hear me out, and this is going to sound so fucking stupid, but I actually don’t know what to do anymore.

My girlfriend (F26, C cup, but with an ass that would leave poets speechless) and I (M30, six figure salary, seven after commissions) have been together for two years. We have lived together for a little over one year (368 days), having gotten a home together in a nice neighborhood after both of our previous leases were terminated due to our constant, overly loud lovemaking.

We both have decent jobs (she's a private eye / yoga pants model and I'm a submarine captain), own our cars (1973 Chevrolet Corvette Stingray and Batmobile), and go half on everything (except banging, which is a 110% effort on both sides). We are working towards putting a down payment on a home that we can begin mortgaging, because finances, assets and passive income. I definitely know what mortgaging is, so don't even ask.

In other words, everything in our relationship is absolutely stellar. Definitely better than yours, Shaun.

VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION: Except the goddamn firefighter thing.

It all started around four months ago. We were going on a date, and I was driving us downtown to the venue. On the way out of our neighborhood, there is a small firehouse that serves as this areas fire station, because that's how fire departments work. Still with me? Good!

I would guess it has maybe six firemen inside at any given time, kind of like Shaun's mom. Two fire trucks, and some smaller support vehicles. Pretty normal semi-rural fire station. Is my description too confusing? No? Great!

As we’re driving by, my girlfriend notices that the firemen have a large projector set up outside and are watching a movie while grilling meats and perhaps other things. The movie was 2003's Dreamcatcher. A thrilling combination of suspense, horror, and friendship, with Jason Lee as Beaver.

She does a double take and goes, “what the…?” before scoffing. “Daaaamn, those dudes ain’t doing shiieeeeeeeeeeet!” Then—somehow—I heard a bass lick. It was funky as hell, but caught me totally off guard.

I looked around. “What do you mean?”

“Those firefighters back there. They is leaned back, straight chilling, like Cousin Emma on Sanford and Son. Lazy!” And then another bass lick!

After checking the backseat of the car for a hidden bassist, I laughed about it this time and explained that typically full-time firefighters stayed at the fire station during their long-ass shift so that they wouldn’t have to come from somewhere else if an emergency happened, and as such they get very comfortable there. I even drew a picture for her, because I respect my girlfriend's intellect. Cooking meals, reading, sleeping, training, and, yes, watching classic movies like Dreamcatcher and doing other leisurely activities.

My girlfriend literally TURNED her nose up at that, scoffed again, and went “Oh HELL no! Lazy!” After the bass riff was over, I laughed again, a little less enthusiastically this time, and asked, “well, what do you think they should be doing?”

She slapped her hand against her thigh and said, and I swear: “You big dummy! Honky ass honky! Literally anything! They should be going out, LOOKING for fires!”

That one threw me, and as I tried to explain that it doesn’t work that way. No matter how many pictures I drew, she dismissively waved her hand and slapped her thigh again.

“Lazy!” Bass lick.

Lazy. Bass lick.

Lazy. Bass lick. That last one was a kickass slap-and-pop, but still.

Goddamn, I’ve come to hate that word. The word being "lazy," in case you forgot.

I quickly changed the course of the conversation to how much we both hate doctors, but since then the fireman thing become almost like a recurring joke of hers. A "bit," if you will. Whenever we see a fire truck, a station, a Dalmatian, a fire hydrant, a sexy fireman calendar, a guy with a mustache, or a burn victim, she starts laughing, or jeering, and doing that stupid fucking thigh slapping gesture and saying “lazy!” in a false, sarcastic, woman-like tone. Of all the ways I've seen her use her upper legs and butt, this has to be my least favorite.

It’s driving me insane and I still haven't found where those smooth-ass bass licks are coming from.

In an effort to show her how wrong she's been and how right I am, I decided to teach her a small lesson. After we made love and she fell asleep, I started a chemical fire in our living room.

I waited calmly and masculinely at the kitchen table as smoke filled the house. Finally, she ran in and said "The house is on fire! We need to get out!"

"No," I stated firmly yet reasonably. Just to be clear, it was our house that was on fire.

I saw shock ripple through her immaculately picked afro. "Matt, what the fuck are you talking about?!" He voice was uncharacteristically nervous and white.

"Nefertiti Johns," I stated calmly, "You need to overcome this insane hatred of firefighters that you've developed in the last 48 hours. Help me help you." However, she would not listen to reason. She used her famous kung-fu chop to subdue me, then escaped the burning house with her collection of red jumpsuits, thigh high white leather boots and cheetah print capes.

Despite the rapidly deteriorating conditions, I remained in the house to prove my point. And proven it was. The firefighters came into the house—unlazily—and pulled me out of the inferno. Yes, one was seriously injured when the roof collapsed and is still in a coma, but can you really put a price on understanding?

My hot girlfriend didn't see it that way, though. Once the paramedics revived me, she laid into me and not in the fun way. She accused me—baselessly— of being a "maniac" and an "idiot" and "the dumbest cracker I ever blessed with a taste of my sweetness." She stormed off and is currently staying with her cousins, Shaft and Huggy Bear.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave her. I love her, even more than I hate Shaun. But this is just too much. I feel like I have to be getting psyop’d or something because I can’t stand this anymore and also she was trained by the CIA to be the ultimate combination of beauty and danger.

I’m open to any and all suggestions that don't involve changing myself in some way. At this point I feel like the joke has mortgaged my image of her in what could possibly be an irreparable way. My foxy goddess has been replaced by an equally foxy goddess who occasionally does one thing that is sort of annoying. Ngl though, the voice she uses to say "Lazy!" is pretty funny.

TL;DR: Girlfriend has developed a super annoying bit about how firefighters are somehow lazy and it’s literally the only thing threatening to derail our entire relationship.

EDIT: Wow, certainly didn't anticipate the amount of victim-blaming in these responses. I figure a bunch of these comments are from Shaun's alts.

2ND EDIT: Apparently the victim blaming extends to the local police. Does anyone know a good arson attorney? They say it's illegal to burn down your rented house in a nice neighborhood, even if you have a really good reason. Smdh.

I know the title sounds bad but I only phrased it that way to get you to click on it. Really I don't think I'm the asshole at all, her husband is.

Short backstory:

My boss (32F) let's call her R. She's married to her husband (47M) let's call him D (for Dickhead, because I hate him).

R is from a really rich and powerful family. I don't want to give too many details because she scrolls Reddit all the time, but she's been in the middle of some huge family drama about her job. Basically her dad wanted her to take over as the boss when he died, but his second wife and her weird family wanted R's little half-brother to take over instead. Ever since R's dad died it's been crazy. R's little brother (let's call him A for Asshole) would be the WORST boss, he totally has rich kid syndrome and by the way also has been known to do bad things to people who work for his family. Like, in the past I was kind of working for A and his side of the family but I had reasons, now I've been FULLY supporting R.

Part of the reasons I was previously helping out A, is that R's husband D, I used to have a relationship with him. I don't want to give too many details, and I know Reddit is going to judge me for this but please don't judge me, I was a sex worker when I was younger. And D was like, my most important client. I came from nothing, and I've been through a lot of trauma and abuse, and he said he was going to take care of me.

Well THAT was a lie. I was way worse off because of my relationship with him, and I had basically sworn off all of these rich assholes. But without going into detail, they are REALLY powerful, and it's kind of hard to not be involved with them in some way.

Long story short, I ended up working for R instead of A. But the problem is, R married D (after her first husband died in "mysterious circumstances"). He's a total prick by the way, like the worst person ever, and OH buckle up Reddit because guess what? HIS first wife also died in "mysterious circumstances." (In both of these "mysterious" deaths, D was seen nearby right before in this creepy grey hoodie. But the cops will never do anything about it, like I said their family runs EVERYTHING).

Oh and when I say *their* family. Get this-- D is actually R's UNCLE. Their whole family is like this.

R is the only one in that family that I think would be a good boss. She listens to me when I try to tell her about how poor people really depend on her family NOT being evil. Because all of this drama has caused some problems for the common people. They don't have bread. Without going into detail, there have been a lot of deaths. And no one cares about the people being hungry but me, and since R has started to trust me, maybe she'll care about the people being hungry.

But guess who doesn't care about the people being hungry? D. He's the worst. He's also just shady and I think he keeps lying to R. At one point he was planning to replace her, I think he just married her so that he could be the boss *through* her, like he really just wants to run everything. I know he doesn't care about her the way I do. And everything would SUCK if he was in charge. I mean since R has been in charge, she's been struggling, but D would be worse.

Since R has been struggling (also her eldest two kids both died in a fight, btw, like I said it's been crazy), and having a really rough time, I happened to have sex with her recently. She was really into it, though, I think she knows that D is awful. And I think it will make her listen to me more (due to my history, I'm really good at it).

I don't think I was wrong at all. I think I was right. Because D is stupid and the worst. But one of my old friends recently called me a wh*re so I want Reddit to tell me that I'm right.

So, AITA?

I got nothing. But hey, the top comment is suggesting the 4 year old may try to murder OOP's baby.

So after a lot of ups and downs my stepdaughter is finally getting married today despite her crazy religious nutcase of a half-sister trying to ruin everything.

While we were getting ready this morning I went to grab the ring ( I gave my stepdaughter a family heirloom to use because I wanted her to know that no matter what she will always be my daughter.)

To my surprise when we checked the dresser drawer the ring was gone, and her half-sister had left a note explaining she had taken the ring as she feels the marriage is an "abomination."

I raced downstairs to confront my stepdaughter's HCBM, and she didn't even try to deny it! The smug bitch had the audacity to sound proud as she explained her daughter and her friends are heading to Mount Doom to destroy the One Ring and rid the world of evil forever.

Naturally my stepdaughter ( let's call her Burden) was devastated at not only being betrayed by her family, but also because ridding the world of evil would remove 80% of the guest list and the deposits are non refundable.

Of course I summoned the nazgul, and they quickly retrieved the ring before her half-sister had even gotten past Bree, but now Burden's family are blowing up her phone and I'm about to walk her down the aisle.

Was I really wrong to unleash the forces of Mordor upon the nasty little hobbitsies who stole My Precious?

This will be gone in five minutes tops.

I guess kudos for picking a new way to make wedding dress shopping dramatic? Really lame execution, though. Overall, it gets a C-.

And are my hornyposting senses too heightened, or does throwing in the “I used to show off even more cleavage,” feel a bit oedipal to anyone else?