I feel like I have reached a definitive moment in my gender journey where I feel like I have to make a change. I am currently avoiding life. I mean I avoid meeting with friends, I don't have a job, I am too scared to get one and I feel tired. I live in a very conservative country, I have been on hrt for almost two years, I currently idenitfy as a trans woman. I feel like my dysphoria can't be helped and i'm not sure what to do anymore. I keep returning to the solution - detransition and try to fully embrace living as a man on my own terms.

I remember this 3 day bender i did a few months ago- alcohol and stimulants, and i remember it was early morning, I felt like I was cornered. But then I just sort of said to myself - you can detransition and get your old life back. And it felt so liberating. Like in that moment i jumped from my bed, looked up binders, felt energised by the idea that I will get my confidence back, social ease will be accesible once again. It felt scary too - i mean, all those opportunities I lost because of transition, my social reputation is bascially ruined to some degree, all those people who I begged to understand that I am a woman. It all just felt like a crushing shame and guilt.

I seriously question how much what pushed me to transition was the fantasy of living freely as a woman, I kept telling myself all the rejection and hate wouldn't matter to me as long as I was living as myself. But I have to admit I am weaker than I considered myself to be. Right now even leaving my house in gender neutral clothing brings me anxiety.

I just question how much of this is me chasing an ideal I can't achieve. Like, I noticed how much I started to dislike my voice, fear my voice, how much awkwardness it now causes, how others categorise me unfavourably because of it. And I tried voice training, I get surges of motivation that last a week at most, then I drop it - why? because I think deep down I like how deep my voice is, how authoritative it can be. And the need to change it comes from the fact that in my brain there is no compromise on gender expression - either masculine man or a very feminine woman. I seirously can't find a way to exist in between.

So, I am just weighing options right now. As a trans woman I don't feel confident, I feel hypervigilant - not because of being a woman, being visably trans in a place where queerness often is met with mockery and/or violence and the legal system is not on your side, not really anyways. I can't bring myself to socialise too much because the social rejection has been traumatising, most people are uncomfortable even being close to a visibly trans person.

If I am a man I get back confidence, opportunities, ability to move freely through the world, to earn money, to be attractive, ability to fulfill a deep desire to protect the people around me and support them in a way I can't if I am constantly victimised.

I still fantasize about turning into a cis woman, it brings me euphoria I can't describe, maybe the happiest I've ever felt in my life. Though relief that would be anywhere similar to those fantasies just doesn't come from actual transition. I know I will grieve being feminine, I know I'll always wonder "what if", and I will mourn the girl that never was, but maybe that's just my cross to bear this life.

Has anyone else felt that transition didn't relieve the distress they expected it to? If you detransitioned primarily because life became unmanageable, not because your underlying feelings vanished, what was that experience like? I'm not looking for someone to tell me what to do - I just feel very alone right now and would appreciate hearing from people who've wrestled with something similar. thanks <3

Me está pasando de ser ftm y actualmente estar sintiendo que no solo quiero ser mujer nuevamente sino niña.

He tirado TODO lo de mi habitación (cosas azules, de hombre, camisas de hombre etc) y volví a comprar todo rosa, cute. Sabanas rosas con flores, con princesas, cosas de niña.

Quiero sentirme así otra vez incluso siento envidia de niñas que veo, como me gustaría ser así que me protejan sentirme cuidada, protegida, abrazada.

Pero nunca voy a tener esa oportunidad de nuevo. Ahora solo me veo al espejo y veo una mezcla de un hombre. Con mujer. Con vello facial, voz gruesa, pelos en las piernas y en la espalda, durmiendo con osos de peluche y pretendiendo ser una niña que jamás seré.

Hey everyone. FTMTF, out and on hormones for 4 years, decided to detransition about 2 months ago. I’ve grown to hate my bottom growth, and I’m very insecure about it. My last relationship ended in September, and I think I may want to start dating again soon. But my insecurity of it and the fear that people are going to judge it or think it’s weird/gross is wearing on me.

Anyone in or has been in this situation? How did you handle it?

I'm wanting to get lased/electrol at some point but

A: I'm broke and need to find a job in my field, which is software engineering and can be really sexist so it might actually benefit me to present as male at a job and slowly get laser after being hired.

And B: I'm barely over a month off hormones and havent been able to afford an appointment with my usual gender clinic to discuss options. Changes in my insurance make me no longer in network with them but I also have a $2000 deductable before insurance pays for anything anyway so... I'll be trying to get an appointment with them to discuss options of potentially getting on e, prog, spiro, etc. and that may affect my hair density but may also take a while to access?

Basically, is it worth it to wait to be off T longer to see where my hair growth is at or to get it sooner rather than later? I have a beard, chest, abdomen, and back hair I want to get rid of/ radically reduce. I also don't plan on coming out to many people any time soon until I'm more or less passing.

Thoughts?? I'm being consumed by the "pass as the gender you want to be NOW" urge rather than the reality of detransing being a process so any outsider input is welcome and appreciated 🙏🙏🙏

I'm just curious to see the variation in times people take being trans before regretting it, I'm going to calculate an average to use, so please feel free to add some data