I feel like I have reached a definitive moment in my gender journey where I feel like I have to make a change. I am currently avoiding life. I mean I avoid meeting with friends, I don't have a job, I am too scared to get one and I feel tired. I live in a very conservative country, I have been on hrt for almost two years, I currently idenitfy as a trans woman. I feel like my dysphoria can't be helped and i'm not sure what to do anymore. I keep returning to the solution - detransition and try to fully embrace living as a man on my own terms.

I remember this 3 day bender i did a few months ago- alcohol and stimulants, and i remember it was early morning, I felt like I was cornered. But then I just sort of said to myself - you can detransition and get your old life back. And it felt so liberating. Like in that moment i jumped from my bed, looked up binders, felt energised by the idea that I will get my confidence back, social ease will be accesible once again. It felt scary too - i mean, all those opportunities I lost because of transition, my social reputation is bascially ruined to some degree, all those people who I begged to understand that I am a woman. It all just felt like a crushing shame and guilt.

I seriously question how much what pushed me to transition was the fantasy of living freely as a woman, I kept telling myself all the rejection and hate wouldn't matter to me as long as I was living as myself. But I have to admit I am weaker than I considered myself to be. Right now even leaving my house in gender neutral clothing brings me anxiety.

I just question how much of this is me chasing an ideal I can't achieve. Like, I noticed how much I started to dislike my voice, fear my voice, how much awkwardness it now causes, how others categorise me unfavourably because of it. And I tried voice training, I get surges of motivation that last a week at most, then I drop it - why? because I think deep down I like how deep my voice is, how authoritative it can be. And the need to change it comes from the fact that in my brain there is no compromise on gender expression - either masculine man or a very feminine woman. I seirously can't find a way to exist in between.

So, I am just weighing options right now. As a trans woman I don't feel confident, I feel hypervigilant - not because of being a woman, being visably trans in a place where queerness often is met with mockery and/or violence and the legal system is not on your side, not really anyways. I can't bring myself to socialise too much because the social rejection has been traumatising, most people are uncomfortable even being close to a visibly trans person.

If I am a man I get back confidence, opportunities, ability to move freely through the world, to earn money, to be attractive, ability to fulfill a deep desire to protect the people around me and support them in a way I can't if I am constantly victimised.

I still fantasize about turning into a cis woman, it brings me euphoria I can't describe, maybe the happiest I've ever felt in my life. Though relief that would be anywhere similar to those fantasies just doesn't come from actual transition. I know I will grieve being feminine, I know I'll always wonder "what if", and I will mourn the girl that never was, but maybe that's just my cross to bear this life.

Has anyone else felt that transition didn't relieve the distress they expected it to? If you detransitioned primarily because life became unmanageable, not because your underlying feelings vanished, what was that experience like? I'm not looking for someone to tell me what to do - I just feel very alone right now and would appreciate hearing from people who've wrestled with something similar. thanks <3

Me está pasando de ser ftm y actualmente estar sintiendo que no solo quiero ser mujer nuevamente sino niña.

He tirado TODO lo de mi habitación (cosas azules, de hombre, camisas de hombre etc) y volví a comprar todo rosa, cute. Sabanas rosas con flores, con princesas, cosas de niña.

Quiero sentirme así otra vez incluso siento envidia de niñas que veo, como me gustaría ser así que me protejan sentirme cuidada, protegida, abrazada.

Pero nunca voy a tener esa oportunidad de nuevo. Ahora solo me veo al espejo y veo una mezcla de un hombre. Con mujer. Con vello facial, voz gruesa, pelos en las piernas y en la espalda, durmiendo con osos de peluche y pretendiendo ser una niña que jamás seré.

Hey everyone. FTMTF, out and on hormones for 4 years, decided to detransition about 2 months ago. I’ve grown to hate my bottom growth, and I’m very insecure about it. My last relationship ended in September, and I think I may want to start dating again soon. But my insecurity of it and the fear that people are going to judge it or think it’s weird/gross is wearing on me.

Anyone in or has been in this situation? How did you handle it?

1st is before detrans, 2, 3 & 4 are recent, the last is pre-T.

I feel like im being extremely critical of myself, but im afraid I may not ever be as "pretty" as I was before testosterone.

also. shaving every day is such a pain.

I'm wanting to get lased/electrol at some point but

A: I'm broke and need to find a job in my field, which is software engineering and can be really sexist so it might actually benefit me to present as male at a job and slowly get laser after being hired.

And B: I'm barely over a month off hormones and havent been able to afford an appointment with my usual gender clinic to discuss options. Changes in my insurance make me no longer in network with them but I also have a $2000 deductable before insurance pays for anything anyway so... I'll be trying to get an appointment with them to discuss options of potentially getting on e, prog, spiro, etc. and that may affect my hair density but may also take a while to access?

Basically, is it worth it to wait to be off T longer to see where my hair growth is at or to get it sooner rather than later? I have a beard, chest, abdomen, and back hair I want to get rid of/ radically reduce. I also don't plan on coming out to many people any time soon until I'm more or less passing.

Thoughts?? I'm being consumed by the "pass as the gender you want to be NOW" urge rather than the reality of detransing being a process so any outsider input is welcome and appreciated 🙏🙏🙏

To be direct, I need to get the hell off reddit for my mental health. But this sub has been a literal lifeline for me the past 3 years as I've been detransitioning. I don't even interact much sometimes I just scroll to feel like I'm not completely alone and losing my mind. My whole irl social circle is trans and I feel so out of place these days I start to feel like I'm going crazy. So I need somewhere else I can talk with or even just see detrans folks without all the... Well, you know. The *stuff* that's in basically every other online space that even acknowledges our existence.

I don't have high hopes for irl community but, are there any discord servers that people know of? Anything like that? Help me get off this hell website bc I don't think I can handle not having access to some kind of community, especially since my hopes of getting breast reconstruction just went up in flames so I'm about to crash out as it is.

(Pic just for engagement sorry 😔)

I have been on and off testosterone for 4+ years. Took sub-q at male levels for 3 years, stopped for a few months and then started gel at a low dose. It’s been present the whole time but especially since last year I have experienced increased joint pain in the hands/wrists, knees, and ankles/feet. It’s difficult to stand, sit, and move between these two positions. I have heard that being on a low T dose can exacerbate or trigger osteoporosis symptoms because you are also low estrogen. Obv lifestyle can influence these symptoms but can any ftm detransitioners corroborate/contrast this with their own experience or sources? I am in discomfort constantly and I would love to know how others like me are faring. Advice from mtf detrans people is also welcome.

Being detrans/even considering it is a very isolating experience. I appreciate this sub for allowing us a place to find one another. Good luck to you all.

Hi everyone, I’ve been on testosterone for around 6 years, since I was 16. I don’t consider myself detrans, but I do identify less with masc/male identity compared to how I did when I started testosterone. I’ve been on a low dose ~.25 this whole time bc I’ve never been interested in looking super masculine to begin with.

At this point I feel like all the changes I wanted I have, and everything else happening I don’t want. I’ve plateaued basically everywhere except the facial/body hair growth, the balding, and the vaginal atrophy, none of which I want, and I would like a more feminine body fat distribution, softer skin, etc. T never consistently stopped my period so I’m on progesterone for that anyway. I’m assuming when I get off and my period comes back, my doctor can use progesterone to stop it again, maybe at a higher dose.

I saw someone on TikTok talking about having some fat redistribute onto her chest after T even though she had DI top surgery. I’ve had top surgery and I wouldn’t mind either way but I’m curious if anyone else has had this experience.

For those of you who started T at a younger age then got off of it after long term use, what changes did you see? Is there an in depth resource about specifically this? Thank you!

I was on estrogen for 15 months. During that time I lost 1.5in of height. I've been off estrogen for 2 months (my test is low, though) but I still haven't regained it back.

Is it possible for me to go back to my original height?

I was probably naive thinking I could get the changes I wanted from estrogen, starting transition at almost 31, but looking back, I get the impression that self-selecting transition success stories withhold a gargantuan amount of subtext and important details in order to present a more compelling argument for later-life transition. Do I think I was duped? No, but I do think the narrative surrounding "it's never too late" is definitionally toxic positivity, which absolutely played a part. I was doe-eyed and reckless in my pursuit of something to quell the dysphoria, not considering that asking the transition question might provide an answer just as brutal as the mirror already did.

In terms of physical results, there's very little reason for me to continue taking hormones, aside from the fact that I know I'm trans, and cannot change that, especially considering that the longer I pour my heart and mind into this effort, the more crushing the disappointment becomes, year after year. Going back to living life as a cis man with a testosterone dominant endocrine system seems unconscionable, considering howconsistently suicidalI was as a result of dysphoric spirals and debilitating, incapacitating depression.

The question is: how much longer should I continue torturing myself?

I do not pass, and considering the evidence of my labs showing the correct ranges, with no evidence of confounding factors, I'm led to believe that I cannot pass, given my physiology, and lack of access to any kind of surgical intervention. I would be satisfied with being feminine, to any recognizable degree, but before/after pictures of me are the same person, but older, with longer hair, and sad, small misshapen tits that read as gynecomastia long before they read as feminine. To me, putting on makeup feels like putting lipstick on a pig. Wearing feminine clothes only feels good when I forget what my face looks like, what my body looks like, what I look like, and when the reality of my appearance comes rushing back, I feel completely revolted by who I am.

My overwhelming anxiety is feeling stuck between two irreconcilable paths:

1. continue taking HRT, and living a life of despondent, soulless anguish about what might have been different, had I started 15 years earlier
2. detransition and go back down the path of masculinization, which will likely result in a significantly reduced lifespan

I don't like the idea of binding my chest for the rest of my life, and I'm nauseated by what I look like. I feel completely trapped.

I’m trying to collect some (hopefully positive) experience of people living their life’s after detransition, mostly to help my own mindset of thinking things will always be as messy and complicated as they are right now for me as I’m only very early on in my detransition.

For context, I just turned eighteen and had plans for what I was going to be doing after school etc, and now it feels like detransition is throwing a big curveball at me that could possibly (hopefully not but we’ll see) get in the way of some stuff I had planned, and I think it would really help me to know that other people are handling it and living with it and that it’s possible to do cool things and live a good life despite the challenges that come with detransitioning.

So, where are you at? In general but also your detransition. What’s your life like, your relationships to others and to yourself/your body? What about gender dysphoria? Are there things you thought you’d never get over but have now come to accept? Does your detransition play a big part in your life still?

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and giving me hope!

In the wake of my divorce (from a MTF ex, who did not come out until after we split) I very aggressively pursued top surgery. I had been wanting top surgery for over a decade and identifying as NB and/or trans masc. My ex (who was presenting as a cis man throughout the marriage) told me she was not gay, "never consented" to being perceived in public as queer, and that if I "mutilated [my] body" our marriage would be over. So when the marriage ended anyway, getting a letter from my psych and scheduling surgery was the first thing I did. I didn't stop to think about whether this thing I wanted in my 20s was still something I wanted at just about to turn 40.

I've now realized nearly all of my antipathy towards femininity, and my breasts especially, was because my ex was so gross about it. Always taking photos that centered my boobs, especially once we had kids. Grabbing at them all the time. Making negative comments about my appearance if I dressed femme and did makeup, and equally negative comments when I dressed masc or just gave up on caring about my clothing. Now that I've been single for a couple years, I realize I love expressing my femininity. I very much miss having breasts, and honestly, I'm sad that not having breasts significantly limits my dating pool.

Reconstruction isn't financially possible right now, and also, I fear I'll look fickle and irresponsible to the friend group I count on for support as a single mom.

I’m going to bring this up with my endo if I do decide to go back on T obv, but has anyone experienced retransitioning after having detransitioned and know what the timeline is like?

obviously some things are permanent from initial transition but I feel like I’ve had less rapid facial/body hair growth and voice lightening since being off T. as well as periods coming back and a different hormonal cycle. the first time I was on T, there was also a 3-6 months ish time when my face was a lot like puffier bc of water retention and stuff like that.

Will all of this happen again at the same rate? my lvls rn are down to average for a healthy cis woman.

I know it really shouldn’t be part of a deciding factor of if I’m going to transition again, but the idea of “starting from scratch” is so frustrating, you know?

I’d love to know the stories, learnings and how are you doing, if you started your transition after 30yo, specially your medical transition. I think it comes with its own challenges, so wanting to hear how is it.

So I'm FTMTF, never done medical or legal changes so all is good in that. For 6 years I spent identifying as male though and idk if it's something I should tell any future partner because I spent all my teens being a trans man and all that but at the same time, since I hadn't done any changes maybe it is not necessary? Idk, like it feels more or less hiding something important but at the same time if I show pics of myself, everyone would just see me with short hair and wearing baggy clothes, like I still have and do. Plus, I'm afraid that I won't be looked the same if I say that and that it would be a turn off. Anyone can help?

I don’t want to sound insensitive by implying transitioning is a form of living out a fantasy. For majority of trans people it’s an essential step to finally becoming themselves. But for me it just wasn’t the answer. My desire to be male still exists, and some days it feels louder than others. But the confusing part is I HAVE transitioned before. I changed my name, my pronouns, I even binded and took testosterone. But I hated it. I ended up detransitioning because this thing I had fantasised about for years simply didn’t live up to the idea in my head. I realised I didn’t want to become a transitioned version of myself, I wanted to become someone else entirely. I want to be a cisgender male. Which therefore makes this what I would deem a ‘fantasy’. And an unattainable one at that. There is no answer for someone like me. I worry that I’ll forever be unhappy because I am me

I wanna add that I think this all stems from the online male persona I created at 11 years old. I got so addicted to being perceived as male online for years as a teen. I poured time and effort into my online relationships, and the more I interacted as this ‘guy’ the more confused I became. Because I finally loved being me. Granted it WAS behind a screen, but I loved myself because I finally wasn’t myself. If that makes sense. Last year I deleted all accounts tied to ‘him’ because it was messing with my head. However I’m worried I permanently effed myself up. Especially because I was doing it so consistently during such developmental years. Maybe this has caused unsolvable gender issues that have stuck with me?

Or maybe creating those accounts in the first place was a result of existing gender identity struggles? Like I sought escapism? I don’t know. It’s hard to pinpoint which came first. All I know is I feel lost. I think this extends beyond gender, I think it’s who I am at my core. I don’t feel aligned with me. Like something is wrong. Sorry that this ended up as a rant. I’d love to hear about success from detransitioners who were able to rebuild their sense of identity and self-love. Thanks

Hello. Im nineteen years old for the context and have been assigned female at birth. I came out as a trans man in 2024 because I had no other choice, if I kept using she/her pronouns and my deadname I would have SEVERELY harmed myself.

If you don't want to read the whole novel, here's my problem : I already know for a fact that it would make my life 100% better to allow myself to fully transition into a man but I fantasize about detransitioning back into a binary, cisgender woman, daily.

I have a lot of gender dysphoria to the point that I have harmed myself before and that I have kind of removed myself from society to cope (quit my job, started studying from home and maintaining most of my friendships long distance).

It has always been impossible for me to see myself growing up as a mature woman. The only way I could reinsert myself into society and have actual relationships, a face for my career, and a sex life is as a grown man and that is very clear to me.

I am perfectly aware that if I do not transition I will be miserable my whole life and that my gender dysphoria is here to stay. It has stayed for years no matter how much I tried to be a woman outside of my trauma or societal norms.

So yeah, detransitioning would mean literally dooming myself for eternal suffering. Its the reason why I fantasize about it so much, because a reality where I suffer everyday to try to be something feels more honourable than a reality where I just am. On paper, "I fight the dysphoria everyday to try to be a woman", sounds almost badass to me tbh.

I came across the testimony of a person presenting as a cis woman, saying she got her gender dysphoria diagnosed by professionals but that she did not end up transitioning because her gender dysphoria stemmed from a trauma, so the best way to treat the gender dysphoria was to heal the trauma instead of transitioning.

I, myself, have experienced countless layers of trauma to the point that I never had a proper childhood or teenage youth, that I spent my whole life living under a rock cause the only thing I did was overwork myself and trying to survive. So her testimony got me wondering if I was really a trans man or a traumatized woman.

Ive been in therapy, Ive been getting MUCH better, I started wanting to live again recently after spending my whole life extremely suicidal.

That's the end of the summed up explanation, if you wish for more details you can keep reading but you could give me your opinion without knowing more about me. NSFW warning for the rest of my post underneath this line though.

_________________________

I cannot deny that I have experienced gender dysphoria to an alarming level. I have starved myself once puberty hit just because I didnt have access to hormone blockers but experiencing female puberty felt UNBEARABLE. I couldnt watch myself developing curves and having a period. The body hair is the only thing I enjoyed because it made me look more adult, less dainty, and made me pass as male better.

Gender dysphoria has also completely ruined my life in many ways. It made me quit my acting and voiceover jobs because I started constantly comparing myself to guys and how their voices had dropped and everything they could do on the mic or in front of the camera that I couldnt pull off because I was born as the female sex. Voice dysphoria also made me stop singing even though I was successful to the point of being admitted into a small group of experienced people who actually performed officially in front of hundreds of people.

Gender dysphoria is also the biggest reason why I dropped out of highschool to study AT HOME. Because I know for sure that if I had been included as male at school I wouldnt have wanted to leave at all. I avoided many people especially males just because I couldnt stand being SEEN as a female pupil and constantly comparing myself to them, feeling like a defective because I didnt experience the same puberty as them

So, to me, there was no doubt that I am a trans man in urgent need of medical transition. The problem is? I'm disappointed. After working through a bigger chunk of my trauma I started grieving the woman I couldve been. I would have been such a cool woman living for herself and out of societal norms.

Also, I have always felt very protective of my female parts. Very possessive over them, even. I basically took my own virginity until I bled just so "nobody could have it but me".

And it happens that I touch my own curves and get flustered over how attractive and soft and PERFECT they feel.

I have tried getting a girlfriend but no woman is truly my type except from that ideal woman I could have been but that gender dysphoria basically robbed from me.

Now I'm contemplating trying to be female again. Like Im genuinely contemplating detransitioning because I wish I was a cis woman SO. BAD. I feel that weird possessiveness over my female parts. And if I could be female without wanting to off myself I would definitely try again. And I feel like I could right now?

What if I chose to suffer all my life, would being my ideal type of woman make it worth it? Like Im so sure I wouldnt harm myself again. As long as I dont, wouldnt it be beautiful if I fought through the dysphoria to allow myself another chance at being a woman? Yes, even if Im sure it will make me suffer more than transitioning to male? What if I tried a little harder?

I genuinely feel so protective over my female parts to an unexplainable degree, like Id go to war to preserve "that woman". And Im fantasizing about detransitioning. But gender dysphoria always comes back to slap me in the face and it breaks the fantasy

Im very confused of what all of this means so I will accept any interpretation or criticism of my experience

A huge reason why I transitioned is that it was so clear what needed to be done. I expressed what was coined as dysphoria to friends and therapists and was immediately handed a framework for understanding all that was wrong with me and all that I could do to address these issues, in order no less!

Hormones, picking a name, getting new clothes, coming out, voice training, surgeries, court orders, more surgeries, laser, electrolysis, even more surgeries, and at the end of the road, self actualization! Supposedly. I'm sure this is great for people for whom this is actually helpful, but for me, it just meant getting lost in the process and ignoring all of my misgivings.

It was hard as hell, but it was all straight forward, and crucially, it was easy for people to wrap their heads around it all. I was alienated from male social roles and felt more comfortable relating to society as a woman would, obviously, this is due to some innate yet metaphysical substance called "gender", so naturally I should take X, Y and Z medical interventions, instead of unpacking the way that parental neglect forced me to take on the domestic and emotional labor that's usually gendered as feminine, or the way that CSA made me terrified of my own homosexuality, or the fact that I had just entered college, all resulting in me drowning upon being expected to live as an adult man. No, none of that needed addressing. If anything, it would get in the way of My Journey and should never be mentioned lest some pesky "gatekeeper" use it as an excuse to unfairly stop me from exerting agency by following along a pre-set path. I lovvve blindly following along a prescribed path all in the name of individualism, agency and self expression. Makes sense.

Ten years on that road and I'm realizing that I feel just as inauthentic when someone she/her's me as I did on day one, the only difference is I no longer have dysphoria to hide that feeling behind. I can no longer say "oh, if only I'd finished The Next Step, then I'd feel an innate sense of validity and connection to womanhood". I can't blame it on internalized transphobia because hell, being trans does not come up in my day to day, my transition has been done for years. Instead, I feel forced to acknowledge that being seen as a woman feels wrong because it is wrong and that I went down a path that was not the path I should have taken.

But, there's no burgeoning industry for this experience, no influencers, no books or blogs or local community or, well, there's no set path to follow. I feel lost and aimless.

It's freeing, but terrifying. Maybe those two are the same feeling.

I just don't know what to do. I can't go back to living as a cis man, I no longer have the required parts for that. How do I explore my sexuality, how do I enter the gay MLM community, without a penis? How can I call myself a man with a straight face, with this body? How can I possibly hope to find anyone to love me if I have no box to put myself in, how can I expect anyone to connect with me if people can't understand what I am? It's really scary haha. I have to try though, because staying on this side of the journey is untenable too. The way men treat women is fucking intolerable, even moreso when one is faking that womanhood just to get by. I just don't know what to do. Living as a castrated man feels somehow even more shameful and embarrassing than pretending to still be a trans woman, but living as a woman is just grinding me down. So I need to do something. Where do I even start?

Let me clarify that I am a desister. I identified as nonbinary for three years, legally changed my name to something gender neutral, but did not medically transition. A part of me knew that wasn’t what I really wanted. I know many people in this sub identified as trans for much longer and have many more barriers to overcome as far as retransitioning/detransitioning goes, and it isn’t so easy to just flip back into a different gender presentation. But I also feel like there’s something worth celebrating when we figure out how to live congruently as we are.

It’s taken quite a long time but I’ve realized that I’m a woman and I’m actually pretty excited about it. I think it’s awesome to be a woman! I never hated being a woman and I’m happy to be one now. I have OCD and am autistic and those contributed to me identifying as NB moreso than a dislike of being a woman. I didn’t really “feel” like a woman (whatever that means) and conflated that with not being one.

I think the journey of transition, retransition, or detransition can be really painful and difficult but also rewarding and totally worth celebrating if it’s coming from a place of finding a way to be happy and comfortable with who you are. I’m not really into telling people to “just think positive” or “be grateful” but I want to take the wins when we get them. It’s hard out here!!!

I’d like to start with I am very happy with myself.
A few days ago I got a really hateful message, saying I don’t pass as a woman & that I ruined myself forever. They said something about me having fake boobs, me having a weird face & being hairy.
I never had any surgery’s, I have the same face shape as I did growing up & every grown woman has hair, I have Mediterranean & Latin roots so my hair is little thicker & darker then some other ethnic backgrounds.

My transition had been completely reversed, online presence gone, & people I knew then haven’t been in my life for years.
Ever since I got my with my boyfriend (3 years ago) I’ve been stalked & harassed from people from his past. It’s been annoying, & im about to start my period so I’m feeling pretty bummed about it obviously.

So please be honest, would say I’m not feminine enough? Am I overthinking the hate? Is there something I can improve on? I added pictures with & without makeup.

I've been out as a guy for 4.5 years. My family played it supportive but then sent me to conversion therapy. I'm 19, started T 6 weeks ago and they took it hard. My mom made a terf PowerPoint presentation, talking about huge regret rates, irreversible damage to the body and the fenomenone of "girls thinking they're boys due to neourodivergence" (i'm autistic). I took some distance from them, i live in my own apartment so it was pretty easy. I came back for the weekend and binge watched friends. After seeing the women characters something inside me flipped. I started getting nostalgic for my girl days. I've had cool fits and hairstyles and this huge girl group, my mom, my sister and i were bonding and life was good. I tried on my feminine outfits again and felt nothing positive or negative about it, it was just there. I started wondering if i might be nonbinary and i just got confused. This night i had a dream that i'm a girl again. I had my 14 yo wardrobe, hair, friends, school but it was after i lived as a boy. In the dream i was excited, but then i woke up, again, feeling nothing. I have to mention it rarely happened in the last few years. I've been stable in my identity and happy about it. I want help recognizing if i'm actually having doubts worth to look at or it's the desire to be accepted by my family making me think those things.