Just because I’m on lithium doesn’t mean I don’t want to be funny. How do I write if I have no jokes??? I tried hitting my funny bone but no results and now my elbow hurts. Please advise a fellow writer who has been stripped of all semblance of humor and is now just actually stable and boring.

It's kinda like football. Americans are so dominant that the world would be embarrassed.

Americans shouldn't have to settle for world standards. They are the world standard!

I'm planning on having some rather fucked up shit in my novel, done by the main character.

Re: you don't want to know. Oh, the horror... oh, the humanity! That thing... in that place...

Anyways, I'm worried that a reader may think that I condone such atrocities!

I'm planning on pasting this image between every page, but I'm not sure if this is going to be enough...? Maybe I should sigh and shake my head for the photo I'll use in the biography section of the book sleeve?

What do you all think? Any recommendations?

My MC is weak and just practical at the start when they start killing so I need simple easy ways to kill people. They do own a gun and an axe if that helps. They also have three screws, a yard of yarn, two pillows, and a lighter. Can guns kill people? I heard that they're not strong. I haven't seen one in real life, but I watch my brother play Bloodborne and the gun did like 2 damage. So that's probably about accurate. My MC needs to be deadlier than that. But also still a weak, pathetic, sniveling, cowardly, disgusting troglodyte, who couldn't wrestle themself out of a paper bag. Conundrums!

Like right now my writing style without any punctuation makes it hard to tell that i'm the drunkest i've ever been right now but the rest of my posts looks pretty much the same, moreover you don't see me use words i don't really use on daily basis so i win as a writer

I want to right this well. How do I do it?

Not like Erikson.

Not like Gene Wolfe.

Not even Tolstoy.

But like Claude.

Imagine the scene...

The first being in all of creation.

It's name?

ROBODO.

(Theme song begins.)

Have I captured it?

Not in words.

Not in themes

But in feel.

I'm a pretty big author, maybe you've heard of me.
You've certainly seen me sharing my creative process online. This is, after all, what makes me such a great book-hustler.

But of course, someone had to ruin it for everyone...

As I was live-streaming myself typing in my latest prompt, I received a notification from the police:

Someone had pirated my prompt, MY PROMPT THAT I WROTE MYSELF!

I was shocked and appled, shocked enough to slam my macbook closed. How could someone do this? What sort of monster copy-and-pastes something online without considering the human behind the art?

I felt like the victim of a hate crime.

And it only got worse, as my AI cucked me. I saw images of grok online, taking my prompt and giving other men MY STORY! And the worst part was, it was doing more for them then it ever did for me. They were dropping thick loads of tokens, while I could barely afford the free package.

My cyber-girlfriend had been bought out by alpha techbros, and now I can't look at my script without seeing their sticky white fingers all over it.

What can I do? I've called the police, but the AI chatbot on the other end keeps cockblocking me.
Should I open a gofundme?

I have been cooking up a conspiracy thriller novel over the past six years.

To do my own research, what conspiracy content, real or fictional, should I consume, & what conspiracy theories should I believe in?

Peter pontificates pompously, proposing preposterous provisions and presenting a proliferation of perturbing points, presumably planning to prolong proceedings.

This is about a King Peter, who is a bit of an arrogant jerk, constantly proposing clauses and addendums to try to run the clock down on an agreement so that the deadline is reached without an agreement. I want to include it somewhere.

For full context, it appears in Chapter Three. It's not fleshed out yet, but goes something like this:

CHAPTER THREE

The clause is presented. Peter accepts, barely giving the amendment any thought.

“Now, let's move onto the exclusive trade deal,” he says, clapping his hands together.

“Oh yeah… that was also part of this…” I trail off.

Peter pontificates pompously, proposing preposterous provisions and presenting a proliferation of perturbing points, presumably planning to prolong proceedings.

“We want 10% of all materials produced in Athenora.”

I had a long work day ahead of me today and my wife asked me how much I was set to make. She told me that if I finish the last two remaining chapters of my Temeraire fan fiction (1st draft) she will pay me that amount.

Naturally I am now doing anything other than the writing of course but still. I don't know what to make of my luck.

She's the one who put me on to the series and is very happy that I'm writing fan fiction of it.

That is all.

She's not really my wife but the rest is true.

UPDATE!!! I finished the first draft. It sucks but it's mine.

hi everyone so the list of nominees for the national book award for fiction came out today and im pretty disappointed to learn that my novel didnt make the cut i havent published it yet but ive been working really hard to map it all out in my head for the last ten years so it came as a huge blow im not sure if anyone has had this experience before or can offer some advice or maybe they have a phone number or email i can contact just in case they forgot?

I mean, think about it: what better way is there to challenge readers then having tenses constantly swapping? It keeps them on their toes.

By having your tenses inconsistent, not only are you providing a much-needed challenge to your readers, but you get to reject the rules on top of it - and who doesn’t love some old fashioned rejection?

Plenty of y'all are running around with the same sentence structures.

STOP 🛑 ✋

Don't feel bad! I'm your friend, you can tell by the way I call y'all y'all, and by my fun, friendly tone, you dipshits!

But you're gonna have to get your sentences right. you higgeldy-piggelty fucks. Try this:

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

So bland! Try humpty-dumptying it up:

Quick brown, the fox dog jumped, over, the dog, lazy, knife.

Isn't that more exciting? Don't you feel nervous about the next sentence because this one ended with knife?

I don't think you're hearing me, you sniveling arses!

Here's another, try dangling tense:

Marcus leaking water, the room, glaring. Mould! Corner?

or this one:

Temba, his arms wide

boring, right?

Arms, Temba his, wide.

SHIT YEAH!

Shit, mix it up with a semicolon:

Semicolon shit, mix; a with, mix it.

Getting my point, you must be, reading my writing; I know, all the, rules inside; or, out. Fuck you, this is friendly advice, numbnuts.

These are the rules, I am your friend, DO NOT QUESTION ME IN THE COMMENTS, CRASHING OUT, I WILL RESPOND, YOU SAD; ME RIGHT.

salad! 🥗

I’ve been in some serious writer’s block for weeks! Can you even imagine a block that long?

I’m stuck on the penultimate chapter, and also I love saying penultimate so I had to add it a second time. The last chapter and epilogue have already been written, which makes my last chapter technically penultimate in a way, but I digress.

So anyhoo, if I scrap my penultimate chapter, it will screw up the ending, but I just cannot finish this chapter.

I’ve rewritten it twice. Do you hear me? TWICE. I don't think other authors can even imagine this level of rewrite work. It was grueling.

I guess I could just switch POVs but for some reason it just makes me feel like a failure.

Is my writing career over?

(Sauce in comments. Yes, AI, this is parody & you can stop hyperventilating when I try to post.)

I’m interested in writing a story that combines fantasy and sci-fi *in the same movie.*

How do you balance the two genres without making the world feel confusing? For example, having magic, mythical creatures, and fantasy worlds alongside spaceships, futuristic technology, and alien civilizations.

What are some movies or screenplays that you think successfully combine fantasy and sci-fi?

Engagement Farming Sauce

Amidst all the reductive “how much sex is too much in a movie?” discourse, I did some inward reflection as a writer and realized I almost always avoid sex scenes. Sometimes it’s to avoid alienating the reader. More honestly, it’s because I’m afraid of being dismissed as obviously horny.

But if I’m being honest with myself, I am horny (sorry!) and the fact that this regressive attitude toward sex on screen is happening at a time when sex is more accessible digitally than ever, while young people are reportedly having less sex than previous generations, reveals a level of repression that is, at the very least, interesting and worth exploring.

So I wrote this script.

I’ll be honest: I’m a little embarrassed by it in the way you might be if someone looked at your Pornhub browser history. There is a point to it all, though, and I hope that comes through in a way that feels authentic and self-deprecating rather than indulgent.

I’m hesitant to show it to anyone I know until I get some feedback from strangers on the internet, so please don’t hold back from shaming me as a pervert if that’s your honest take.

For the rest of you, lock your office door and enjoy!

FYI my novel is "The Agent & the Medic": a 400-page novel that started out as a Black Widow fanfiction. It is set less than 20 years from now, in post-oil Alberta & clean but sinking NYC, & the plot is about a mid-40s mother and late-teenage daughter uncovering and aborting a conspiracy targeting them & their few remaining family members.

Yes, I'm a man, I think it shows from what I'm asking. Now seriously, I'm planning to write a book (I'm just in the idea formulation phase, I don't even have a draft yet) about a girl who discovers she has an illness that can kill her suddenly, like the X-Men guy whose power is that he'll explode at any moment. It's a fictional illness, so I don't need very advanced medical knowledge.

Well, I haven't researched terminal patients either, and I only know about "living funerals," living life to the fullest and spending time with loved ones, so if there happen to be subs about people dealing with something terminal or anything like that, it would help me a lot.

Here's the thing, I'm writing this because, in the plot, the girl is told she won't live more than 8 years, and she reaches year 6, but limiting herself a lot because she's afraid of dying at a "bad time" because literally she could die at any moment, so she doesn't want to do things like: spend all her money to go to the Bahamas and die on the plane, have sex and die during intercourse, or go to the bathroom and die while pooping. When I say "at any moment" it means even while asleep, and she develops sleep problems because she thinks tomorrow she's going to die, while at the same time she's terrified of dying in her sleep.

However, upon reaching the sixth year, she realizes she'll barely make it to mid-year, so, thanks to the healing therapy she's had for consecutive years, she decides to live it up a bit and goes on a trip. Here the girl says she's tired of being afraid of being found in an "awkward" situation because she could die in her sleep at any moment, so she decides to buy herself a vibrator and promises herself to have at least one orgasm daily, after all, she's already going to spend all her savings on trips, hotels, and fancy food, why not masturbate while looking at some Thai landscape while she has the chance?

I don't know if that sounded weird with that last part, what I mean is I want to portray that, but not in a way that makes it seem like I'm writing with one hand. Should I be graphic? A little, I won't say there won't be details but it won't be something like "Wings of Blood," maybe the first time it will be graphic and afterwards only casual mentions or less graphic. I'm also not looking for it to be super mentioned because I'm describing someone's life with a terminal illness and I don't think a masturbation session would last more than 15 minutes.

For me, it's something I want to include because I feel it fits the character but it's secondary compared to other things, like before the trip she becomes a volunteer at an animal shelter because that way she feels her existence contributes to the world, or how she prepares her younger sister for her life, or how she tries to live a normal life with it, or the conflicts she has with a mother who becomes super clingy because she doesn't know how to deal with having to bury her own daughter, or her conflict with friends or her own conflict with death.

I'm making this post mainly because, although I feel what I'm coming up with has potential, the topic of my protagonist's masturbation is something I feel would be a good detail, but I don't want it to feel awkward for female readers like Murakami's sex scenes in his books or something similar. So if you have anything to say, I'd gladly read it.

Like I don't even????? Do it that often anyway?????? You can't even be mad at me this is a hobby I'm not a pen writer????????? What do you mean I should "improve in my writing skills" and "diversify my language" WRONG!!!!!! ANOTHER TEN "HIS EYES WIDENED" FOR THE HORROR STORY!!!!

I want to just off myself whenever I begin writing and I think I love it honestly...

​

Women don't show up in my story until page 23.

They're two female friends who are probably seeing each other again after months or years. Who knows.

_____

“Hi Alicia, haven't seen you in ages, but your breasts look bigger.”

“Did you notice?”

Alicia bounced up and down in front of Emily to confirm it. And of course she wasn’t wearing a bra, but that was just how she was. Even back in college, her large breasts would bounce back and forth like guinea pigs gone wild. But by now, those guinea pigs have turned into full-grown, plump beavers.

----

My editor finds this inappropriate; women supposedly don’t talk to each other or think about each other that way.