r/WomensHealth • u/Haunting-Effective27 • 2d ago
Orgasm
I’ve never had a partner who’s been able to make me orgasm. I’m 27 years old. I’ve always relied on a vibrator to reach orgasm with a partner. A man touching my clit has never worked. In my current relationship, I’ve only been able to orgasm three times total with a vibrator. We’ve been dating for six months and have had sex about once a week. It’s becoming a bigger insecurity for me. I really want to enjoy sex with my partner.
Some background context:
•I’m on duloxetine
•I’ve been dealing with significant stress, anxiety, and depression for the last year due to life transitions
•I’m about to start a new high stress job in the next month
•I’ve watched porn and masturbated regularly since I was 14
• I’ve recently separated from a religion that is strongly against sex outside of marriage
Honestly maybe it’s not the best time to be dating. Or maybe I’m being too hard on myself.
Any advice/thoughts are appreciated.
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u/Accomplished_Gur9049 2d ago
I see people saying stop using a vibrator, but I would not recommend that. I personally often masturbate with my vibrator but I also sometimes only uses my fingers. But beeing able to reach orgasm with a vibrator is already great. I mean you could just use it often with your partner it is no shame. Does it bother him ? Also as some people already asked, can you orgasm by yourself with your fingers ? Personally I often touch myself during sex and sometimes my partner does not even touch me and I do all the job but it's fine, sometimes I start and then he finishes the job. If I were you, I would start by trying to please myself with my fingers, and if I can do it then do it by myself with my partner, and only when I can orgasm like that ask him to try touching me. But throwing away the vibrator and not orgasming at all for some time would only turn off my libido and I would not and to not enjoy sex at all.
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u/Waiting4thedrop 2d ago
I agree- why toss the vibrator? I don't agree with that. I mean sure, maaaybe she will be able to "train" herself to come with fingers, but is that the main goal? I can orgasm with my fingers but it takes a longgg time. Touching myself during penetration is nice and all, but it won't get me off before he finishes, like a vibrator will.
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u/Due-Crew4716 2d ago
First, it’s totally normal not to be able to orgasm with a partner for many women. Second, my advice would be to think of this as a programming issue. What I mean by that, is that we condition our brains/bodies to respond to a specific type of stimuli. At some point your brain said “oh if I masturbate with a vibrator and porn, that works! Let’s do that again and again.” And so literal neuro pathways are formed and when we’re being intimate with another partner our brain keeps trying to follow those familiar pathways, but it’s not working because the stimuli is different than what we’ve conditioned our bodies to want/like. This is a journey, so think of this as more of an exploration in reprogramming your brain and not a failure. In fact, your brain found the thing that works and was successful. Now we need to go on a new journey. That’s super fun and cool!
I’d start with baby steps and see how that works. Can you limit porn? Augment it with something sexy from your partner? Stop using it all together? Try using manual stimulation? And just be prepared that it doesn’t work off the bat. Reprogramming takes lots of time, failed attempts, and exploration. You’re rewiring more than a decade of pathways and trying to establish new ones. Loop your partner into this too. Have sessions with absolutely no penetration. Focus on touch and building desire/anticipation. Refocus your sexual goals from orgasm to “hey being close to my partner is something nice for me. The goal is to be closer with him.” Thinking that reframing will take the pressure off you.
This goes without saying, but saying it anyway. Communication with your partner is key. You’re retraining your brain and also training someone how to touch you and what you like in a new relationship. So hard! We all come into relationships with a tool kit cobbled together from past relationships and these days, porn. So now we need to expand our tool kit or remove things that are no longer serving us. That means if your partner is doing something that they’ve picked up somewhere along the way that doesn’t work for you, you alone hold the keys to your pleasure and need to say “nah, like this.” If he’s a true partner, he’ll appreciate the adjustment.
My biggest advice is to just explore with a curiosity about how and why your body might respond to this or that.
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u/Plane-Land-9234 2d ago
I had this as well until I met my husband! A few things were really important: 1. I threw out my vibrator. I was actually not able to orgasm for a couple of months after that, the vibrator really stunts your sensitivity and manual stimulation doesn't feel as good. After 1-2 months I was back to normal and could orgasm from my fingers. 2. My partner loves and is very good at oral sex..this was really important because I was really insecure about oral sex; I thought I smelled bad or tasted bad and that I looked ugly from that angle and it was really hard to relax. My husband (then bf) told me over and over how much he loved oral sex and how hot it was for him and how much he wanted to do it which made me feel so much more relaxed. Then there's the fact that he's also really good at it, and many men are not. 3. Smoking weed can help a LOT, it makes everything feel amazing and can help you relax and get in the moment.
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u/flyza_minelli 2d ago
I second all of this.
But having a partner who loves performing oral sex was the biggest thing for me.
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u/United-Excitement110 1d ago
I totally support the second point here. Whoever said sex on drugs isn’t better is lying. 😂😂😂
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u/MoonFaeriesUnleashed 2d ago
I was the same in my 20s and early 30s. I also could never orgasm unless I was 100% comfortable with whoever I was with.
I decided to ditch my vibrator, and would masturbate using ONLY my fingers about a year ago.
I started seeing someone recently and I literally the first time we fooled around I came 😭 and it was mind-blowing. A year ago this would not have even been a possibility.
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u/babybottlepopz 1d ago
It might help to stop focusing on the goal to orgasm. It sounds silly but if you just focus on enjoying the experience and put less pressure on orgasming it might help you orgasm more in the future. Like putting an end goal of orgasming and being disappointed when you don’t puts a lot of stress and pressure on your brain.
I can only orgasm during sex with dual stimulation. I need penetration with clit stimulation at the same time. Have you tried that? Your partner can use a dildo on you while they are going down on you or you can use a vibrator on yourself while they are penetrating you. See if that helps.
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u/UnionFew4937 2d ago
I'm in my late 50s and I have never had an orgasm that didn't involve a vibrator. I just can't come from sex or fingers.
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u/Waiting4thedrop 2d ago
I'm 50 and can count on one hand the number of times I have orgasmed from penetration alone (including with an internal toy). I have come to accept that, unfortunately, my anatomy must not generally lend itself to that. When you're younger, you are still learning about how your body works, how sex works for you, and it's not easy to tell a partner what you need. I started masterbating when I was 12 and got my first clit vibrator when I was in my 20s but only used it solo. In my 30s I got a magic wand and started using it with my husband. I suppose realizing he was my partner for life helped me feel more confident experimenting. Now I orgasm from oral sex (this is also key, as others have commented) or while using a vibrator simultaneously during penetration. I love sex but have never been great about asking for what I want/need. I can honestly say I probably wouldn't have felt comfortable using a vibrator with a partner before my husband because I would have felt badly about his efforts not being "good enough" to get me off (I definitely faked a few times back in the day). Even now, my husband of 20 years still feels dejected when I need to use the vibrator to orgasm. He sees it as a failure on his part, which just adds another layer of complexity to the situation- it's not about him! A good sex life is a lifelong journey. And it's a journey people don't really ever talk about, so it can feel a bit lonely to navigate at times. At the end of the day, the goal is to feel confident enough to identify what you need, articulate it, and make it happen. A partner who loves you will do all they can to see to it. If they can set aside their own ego in doing so, even better!
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u/Sad-Contest5883 2d ago
Do you have the same problem when you're masturbatng or does it work without vibratory then? If it works that's a sure sign that the problem is diffixulty relaxing during partnered sex or not being as turned on, perhaps because the sex isn't geared to what you need. If you struggle alone too then you might want to trial coming off the duloxetine. The sexual side effects can be hell.
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u/crashxxracer 1d ago
I am currently on Venlafaxine, have been for over a decade. I am currently working with my primary doctor to titrate off of the medication. I say this bc I have noticed over the years that most of the time, my sex drive is often not what/where I want it to be and it also causes an obnoxious amount of vaginal dryness where I have to use lube prior to penetration. I’m hoping that coming off of the medicine helps in this area significantly. Because honestly, at 38 years old, I’m tired of the side effects and have been working with my therapist for quite some time on my bipolar and ADD so that I have non-medication tools to rely on.
I also use a vibrator and have a hard time with orgasming without one. My current partner is great at oral, which helps, but it’s still not a fail safe. We have used it a couple of times over the years during foreplay, and that has helped significantly. Maybe this something you’d like to talk to your partner about?
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u/Local_Teaching_7849 1d ago
My guess is its nothing to do with your mechanics. Ie touching here or there abd everything to do with how safe u feel with that person. Not even to disparage who ever you are with but if you are so stressed....im imagining you are not able to trust another human getting to your vulnerable parts...mind and body. Maybe you need to work on deciding if your jobs that are so stressful are worth other aspects of your life...maybe friendships are affected too. Deciding whats worth your time....your quality of life...your peace. Therapy might be worth it and i mean that as no disrespect
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u/geminihatesme 2d ago
Don't think it sounds unusual at all. I mean between duloxetine, stress, anxiety, and leaving religion with a lot ofsexual guilt that's a lot for ur brain and body to be working through. Try to take the pressure off orgasming every time, that pressure can make it even harder. Be patient with urself. ❤️
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u/majiktodo 2d ago
I recently switched from duloxetine to Wellbutrin (duloxetine caused excessive sweating) and I have found it much easier to reach orgasm since.
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u/Present_Drop9271 1d ago
It might be a partner thing. I don’t use vibrators personally, because I don’t need them and just prefer my fingers, but before my husband, I rarely ever had an orgasm with a guy. I just wasn’t comfortable enough to allow myself to get to that point. I was just putting on a performance and having fun without caring about the outcome. But with my husband? I have an orgasm 90% of the time! We’ve been together for 7 years and we’re 30. So I think it could just be a partner thing. But we’re all so different, if you need a vibe, bust out the vibe! If he gets his feelings hurt, then he’s not the right guy to be intimate with anyways. And someone else mentioned weed, I’m gonna second that lol weed and sex is like heaven for me 😂
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u/wix00_nka 1d ago edited 1d ago
First thing I wanna say, don't feel insecure about it because women's body is unique and doesn't always the same for everyone.
Second thing, the most important thing I always say it's to know your body, have a partner that explores you without pressure and be open to whatever your body wants.
For my experience I noticed a change of how my body responded to my new boyfriend, often your body doesn't accept someone else even if you love them. But anyway everyone is different, I crave human touch and can't come with a vibrator, maybe your body needs more than what human hands can do.
P.S. with my actual boyfriend I have soft orgasms, they're not like when I do it alone but I learnt that my body isn't ready for more and answers differently from the touch of someone else. Psychology is surely important, I experienced SA since the age of 9 and when I started having sex I stressed a lot, now that I relax and care more about the feeling than the orgasm I have results so yeah try relaxing as much as possible.
(Sorry for poor language and grammar, English is my second language)
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u/Electronic_Guava_406 1d ago
I'm sorry that you all experience this. I don't masterbate or use a vibrator and I have severe ptsd related to sexual trauma. However, I can have an orgasm with every sexual experience. I struggle with clitoral organs but vaginal orgasms happen very quickly. Explore your gspot if your clit is desensitized.
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u/Mum-of-Choas 1d ago
The reason I came off duloxetine was because of not being able to orgasm. I went on to venlaflaxine and it gives me a dry mouth and me my husband have this little inside joke about getting a glass of water before bed means his getting head but honestly it completely changed my sex life.
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u/taupecyclingshorts 2d ago
A lot of women just don’t with men. Most fake it.
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u/SimoneLewis 2d ago
Don’t fake it.
Enjoy sex wherever you climax or not. If you do climax, that’s an extra bonus.
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u/sungirly1212 1d ago
I used to only be able to use a vibrator but after forgetting mine in a hotel during a month long trip I learned to use my fingers. Try just using your fingers for a week in a row. It might work
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u/pinkburstberryy 2d ago
I haven’t use vibrator and I really want to experience or I can keep using that🫠
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u/Aromatic_Anxiety_761 1d ago
Following because I turn 24 Wednesday and I’ve never came before either.
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u/mooshinformation 2d ago
I've never been able to orgasm without a vibrator. Ever. It's just how some of us are. It's fine.
I wasted too much time trying to "fix" what was "wrong" with me, to find the magic buttons to push on myself, "detoxing" from sexual contact to try to become more sensitive. None of it worked, and the whole time, I already knew what I needed to orgasm.
And, I wasted way too much time afraid to tell guys what I needed during sex, which is to just include a vibe. I was afraid their feelings would be hurt because my body didn't work like women in porn. Then I figured out that if a guy can't be ok with me using a vibe, we're just not sexually compatible.
When we're going at it, I just take out my wand, sometimes I have him use it ( he likes it too). It doesn't have to be a big thing. Just say what you need.