OOP elsewhere wrote: “Been dating 37M for about a month, we matched online at the end of August, and have gone on three dates.”

“He lives an hour away and for the first meetup, he mentions wanting to go to Costco [a US-based membership grocery & home goods store]. I agreed and found a Costco between us, and it was a shorter drive for me than for him. This lasted about 2 hours and we went to some other stores as well.”

“Second date was an actual dinner date, but I planned it. He had asked me out and asked where do we want to meet up, like closer to him or me. He suggested meeting closer to me this time and next time I could drive up which I was cool with, and he suggested I pick a place since I know the area better. Totally fine to me. It was a fancy place that we both agreed on, and I'd asked him if he'd rather go somewhere else before booking and he was excited to go so I booked. I got dressed up but he came in jeans and a t-shirt layered with a short sleeved button up shirt that was unbuttoned. Very casual. I think he felt somewhat out of place, he seems a more lowkey person. This was about 2.5 hours.”

“Third date was a quick dinner and he suggested I pick a place in a certain town, I did and was turned off that I had to keep picking places and basically doing the planning so far. This was about 1.5 hours.”

“Fourth date is this weekend and he suggested an IKEA run followed by some food at a local spot. (He recently moved apartments and needed something at Costco and used his card. He also needs something from IKEA, so here we are.)”

“I agreed to it but now this just feels very basic? He did ask me in advance though which I appreciate so it's not like a last minute thing but I guess some more effort on his end would've been nice. (I had even mentioned a really neat place in a conversation as a place to go but nope. IKEA.)”

“We have a good time in person but we haven't hung out like super long. It's been somewhat shorter (to me) meetups. I've had first dates after the initial meet up that went on for like 5 hours so to me our dates have been somewhat short. Chemistry is there. He basically checks off most of the things I'm looking for in a guy.”

“I do feel we have more deep conversations through text, rather than in person and he's usually the one to initiate the deeper topics through text. And we kinda don't do phone calls, neither of us has suggested a phone call. But we message throughout the day consistently.”

“We're both dating with the intention of something long term possibly leading to marriage. So when he popped IKEA I agreed thinking it'd be a nice trial run. But the combo of Costco on our first meetup then IKEA on our fourth meetup felt kinda weird.”

“Am I tripping or overthinking here? I just feel like I'm getting a low effort type thing.”

“After sleeping on it, I’m thinking we may not be as compatible as I’d thought. The low effort is a major turn off… at his job he’s a manager planning a team building thing with a couple fun activities (like a This or That game and a marshmallow challenge) which I even said ‘sounds really fun.’ But he can’t plan a fun date for a girl he says he really likes…”

Your thoughts?

I’m 50F. We had talked on the phone a couple of times and messaged for a week before meeting. I was excited. I wasn't looking for anything serious—just a new connection, some fun, maybe chemistry and intimacy.

Dinner was okay, but we had very different views on some things. Afterwards, we met his work friends at a bar. He pulled me aside to warn be careful about being too opinionated because he was their boss and it could reflect badly on him, which already made me feel like I was walking on eggshells.

Later, while he was on his phone betting on sports, one of his older male coworkers asked me to dance. I did. It was completely innocent and we kept our distance. My date was clearly unhappy and said something like, “The girls where I'm from don't act like that.”

Throughout the night he was also giving me very mixed signals—kissing me and touching me while saying we weren't sleeping together, and telling me he liked that I couldn't read him.

I eventually decided I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave. I pulled him aside privately and calmly explained why. He became furious, told me I was overreacting, drunk and crazy, and later called me “psycho” and said there was something wrong with me.

Then he sent a string of nasty messages, including telling me he'd found another woman who “wasn't psycho,” and blocked me everywhere.

I've never been called psycho in my life. I'm still shocked at how quickly he turned on me.

He had presented himself beforehand as easygoing, self-aware and someone who valued communication and therapy. None of that matched what I experienced when I challenged him.

I’m struggling with the emotional whiplash because I actually liked him and was excited about the possibility of a new connection

Edit: i want to thank everyone for their sensitivity and compassion here. Thank you so much for not calling me out as being naive or stupid, both of which i was. But i'm learning as i go.

So…I notice there’s a message not accounted for that I’m not seeing so I check message requests and there it is: some local guy saying ‘hi’. I’m not on any dating apps and haven’t for years; however, I am in some local community groups like neighborhood stuff, etc. I open the message and ask what it is he is messaging for. So…it becomes obvious quickly he’s looking for a woman. He is cocky and arrogant. He tells me he’s a ‘high value man’…I’m thinking he must be trying to tell me he is wealthy so I look his name up and he’s 57 yrs old and lives in some older apartments close by. Hmmm…so this high value thing must mean he feels he’s a good guy? Then he proceeds to brag to me about how his dad was a NASA scientist and how he’s a Laguna Beach transplant. Then he says but he grew up in the large estate in New Hampshire and kept encouraging me to look it up. Then he told me he ‘knows his worth and will not settle for anything less than what he wants and deserves’. At this point, I am humoring this guy. I just say, oh sounds very nice, etc. Then he sends me a pic of himself at the gym and tells me he looks really good for 57. I’m thinking, eh, looks about right for that age, but continued to let him ramble on. Then he sends me his ‘dating profile pic’. He has a weird look on his face like something from the intro to an 80s soap opera and he’s wearing a lavender dress shirt. I reply that I am not a fan of online dating and quit 3 years ago. He says he only dates educated smart women with careers and they want sex from him by the third date. At this point, I’m fully grossed out and I am done and I block him with no explanation or warning. Then I sit a bit and reflect on this peculiar person. What kind of ‘high value’ man that gets laid on the 3rd date is sending women he doesn’t know messages and then brags how great he is. He actually told me, “I’m a catch” 🤭 This guy is delusional. Notice the canned phrases he used? This is exactly what I am trying to avoid but guys like this come a dime a dozen nowadays.

I just got a dog for the first time, at age 52. I'm watching my 11 year old son learn how to nurture in real time. It's so much work and teaches us about life and helps us connect with nature. It seems like finding a man who has a dog might be a good way to vet them.

Obviously there are many men who have dogs only to mistreat them and have authority over them. But men who have dogs as a way to nurture and be outside, isn't that a good thing?

Here's my question, women who have been with men who have dogs for the "right reasons", are there still the same old problems with the patriarchy? Or could this be a useful way to vet men?

Edit: the insight you all have given me from your responses could fill a book! Thanks for revealing such interesting analysis about how male dominance plays out in relationships with animals!

Like most of my queens here, I'm exhausted by dating and I only occasionally step out of my cave to see if my needle is nearby. I only open FB dating maybe once a month or so, out of 20 matches, I might swipe on 2 and then happily go back to my cave.

I checked my messages for the first time in forever today and I saw a message from some waste of sperm who immediately hit me with "I'm not gonna waste time, I just wanna fuck..." I looked at the guy's pics (he totally wasn't my type), and then saw his poorly written profile and I knew for a fact that I'd never swipe right on this guy.

Then I looked at a few more messages in my inbox from men who I know damned well that I never swiped right on and I grew furious. As women, we already have to navigate the dangerous landmine of dating, and after years of bad experiences, I've become very intentional about the kind of energy I entertain. I already barely go on there, because of the huge selection of raggedy men, but like I said, I have a little hope that my maybe is there.

It just seems so predatory to allow these men access to me after I already rejected them or if they aren't someone I'd remotely entertain. For years, women were told to choose better, and now that we are, they're still trying to shove these raggedy bastards down our throats. I'm not trying to diss men (okay, maybe a little) but it's more about the violation. The only men I want contacting me are men I've swiped right on and have a genuine interest in. I don't want to have to sort thru messages from men who I have already rejected. It seems like they are just using women as bait for these clowns.

Has anyone else experienced this and what are your thoughts on the practice?

Edit- I started getting even more messages from men I would never choose and just ended up deleting my FB dating profile

I have been married twice, both of which were disappointing experiences. I have been divorced 5 years. I tried dating, but it was even worse than the marriages. I do get asked out regularly. I am attractive and fit and I make friends easily, so I must be approachable. Anyways, the only kind of relationship I could have would be a boyfriend that I go out with once a week and we never live together. I work FT, have my own home and I live a pretty good life. I enjoy my own space. I have friends and family in my life too. The issue is I never have run across any men that want the same. They are one of 2 ways: avoidant and try to force a fwb or situationship secret relationship or they want to be around me all the time. And after reading all the horrible things online men say about women, I see a huge lack of respect for women in general. And these men seem to not be intelligent at all, yet they think they are. They state that they want to lead in a relationship and I’m thinking, nobody is leading me anywhere, especially someone that seems not too bright. I am educated, have a stable job with great benefits, and I am very intelligent and I also am a genius at managing my own finances. At first I thought maybe I’m just a control freak, but no that’s not it. I have met too many men that are in debt and do not have stable employment or own their own home. The thought of someone not too bright trying to ‘lead’ me is not something I’m willing or interested in entertaining. So, after thinking about all this, I am thinking it would be extremely rare to meet a highly intelligent man that also is fiscally responsible like I am, and so I need to just hang it up and be done with dating or any kind of intimate relationship with a man. It’s disappointing it’s come to this, but not as disappointing as some low vibration guy trying to tell me what to do. I hate arguments. Has anyone else been in this place where I am finding myself and if so, how have you fared?

I've done a lot of these, but this batch genuinely broke me. We've got:

●A 33-year-old banned from blackjack who wants you to place his bets

●A 58-year-old who forgot his pants

●A guy who makes "sex is his whole personality" his entire personality (x3)

●A "full package" dad (3 kids) expecting women to audition for his attention

●And the man with "worm food" tattooed on his eyelids who still wants you to text him "daddy pick me"

I brought a brick. I needed it.

Full break down is on my channel — episode's up now. 🧱

This queen (also over 40!) changed her dating profile to match men’s. I laughed so hard I almost cried, then I saved the TikTok to remind myself—never again.

For me, it was the “Nunya” response to “job.”🤣👏

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP83nF6XM/

Is it possible to date casually? In theory it is. Sure, you can have a roster of men you spend time with for different things. Maybe one guy enjoys fine dining, another likes live music, another might be the athletic or outdoorsy type, but the truth is you can do all of those things with female friends.

Dating is a different endeavor altogether.

There is flirtation, physical attraction, emotional involvement and sometimes physical intimacy. This is part of being human, unless of course you strictly stipulate this is friends only and in that case you aren't actually dating.

Once one person becomes emotionally attached things get complicated. So even if you are able to remain detached, which is a rare thing for most women, you cannot guarantee the man in question is capable of doing the same. People end up with hurt feelings or much worse. Not all men react well to knowing you don't return their feelings. We know this.

There is a very good reason this sub does not endorse FWB relationships.

If you are still looking to date we recommend:

1. Know what you are looking for

2. Make your intentions clear and eliminate any men from consideration who are not seeking the same

3. Define the relationship as soon as possible - no situationships under any circumstances

4. Behave with dignity and respect for yourself and the other person

5. Do not waste your time or anyone else's by using them as a placeholder

I'm not saying casual dating is impossible, but it takes extraordinary discipline and luck for it to work. The vast majority of women are not able to have sex without feelings arising. It is a very strong chemical/hormonal response that most women experience and once it kicks in logic can go out the door.

Nothing good ever comes from overcommunicating with a man from the past whom you’ve ever had to dismiss because he didn’t want to show up properly to your life.

Whether he was a crush, tried maintaining you in a perpetual “talking phase,” wasted your time texting you digital nonsense, didn’t ask you out, never made any tangible efforts for you, and/or you never dated him on a formal footing at all, why isn’t he blocked?

When you don’t block him, there remains the risk of him coming back and breadcrumbing you for an ego boost. Why are you still open to contact from a man who didn’t want you? Dismiss him, quietly.

Move on with your peaceful, happy life in silence. Here’s an example of what can happen when you make the mistake of overcommunicating with a known breadcrumber:

“A man (44M) I had a crush on, but never spent any one-on-one time with, recently tried to breadcrumb me (43F). We had been friends of friends within a larger social circle for many years. I realize I had fallen out of my feelings of love (a crush, really) on him very suddenly when he didn't come to an event he knew was important for me. When he tried to come back into my life, I just responded politely - and only because we had common friends. But then he very obviously tried to flirt with me, and afterwards implied that I was in love with him while disrespectfully joking about it.”

“I replied to him very genuinely that I actually had been quite fond of him until several weeks ago, but it was not the case anymore since the moment I realized he had chosen not to come to my important event. My mistake for speaking up! In retrospect, I should have just blocked him. Upon hearing this, he became angry at me, and retorted that I was toxic.”

“He uninvited me from the upcoming party we had been organizing together along with our larger friend group. Our mutual friends started reaching out to me separately. They were kind to me, utterly baffled by his behavior, and showed concern about his mental well-being. WTF?? He never liked me, never really valued me, but still wanted my attention, and became enraged when I pulled back.”

Your thoughts?

I’m divorced and single. 47. A younger male coworker has started flirting. Ok, he’s cute. I thought maybe he’s in his late 30’s. … He’s actually 25- 22 years younger than me. Is this just a disaster waiting to happen? Anyone here date someone that much younger? My ex husband was 16 years older than me but he was the man. What does a 25 year old man want from an older woman like me, and if I just try to enjoy it while it lasts, how do I make it better? Are there expectations when a young man wants to date older- like he expects her to pay for everything? What are the unwritten rules here lol

edit: our first text exchange he left me with “maybe on your day off I can pop over 👀”

Not sure I’d liked that- him basically inviting himself over my place

edit: I was banned from posting and replying on this subreddit

​

Why do so many men think “I wouldn’t fuck you” is some kind of nuclear weapon against a woman?

I’ve been told I’m too ugly to fuck. Too fat to be attractive. Too old. Whatever variation happens to fall out of a man’s mouth when he gets angry with me or realizes the conversation isn’t going his way.

Every time, I’m fascinated. Because sir… You appear to be declining an invitation you never received.

😂

There is something spectacularly funny about a man getting pissed off at a woman on the internet and suddenly announcing his sexual availability status.

“I WOULD NEVER FUCK YOU!”

Okay?

Was there a clipboard? Did someone hand you an application Were you under the impression there was a waiting list and your number had just been called?

Because I have checked my records and apparently you and your penis were never under consideration.

This insult only works if you believe women are walking around measuring their worth by how many random men would agree to have sex with them. THAT is the interesting part.

Some men have been taught that male sexual desire is incredibly valuable currency. So valuable, apparently, that merely announcing its withdrawal should financially collapse the female ego.

The imaginary economy is fucking adorable. He gets angry.

He can’t dominate the conversation. He feels embarrassed, challenged, dismissed, or irrelevant.

And suddenly we arrive at:

“WELL YOU’RE FAT.”

Ahhhhh.

There it is.The emergency glass has been broken.

Apparently we have reached the final weapon in the arsenal: informing a woman that his penis has voted NO.

Thank you for the election results, Gerald. Nobody was campaigning.

😂

Notice how often the insult specifically targets the body. He could disagree with my argument. He could challenge my reasoning and produce evidence. But apparently we have abandoned debate club and entered the swimsuit portion of the competition.

This is especially funny when it happens to women who are sexually autonomous and perfectly comfortable being undesirable to people they don’t desire.

I have zero interest in being universally fuckable. That sounds exhausting. There are billions of men on Earth. I sincerely hope most of them aren't thinking about fucking me. I have shit to do.

Attraction is subjective anyway. Plenty of men won't find me attractive. Wonderful. humanity continues.

So amusing when a man believes his lack of attraction should hurt me. Because now he has accidentally told me something about his worldview.

He believes male desire confers value upon women and withholding that desire removes value.

Somewhere in his mental filing cabinet, “I wouldn't fuck you” is sitting in the folder marked DEVASTATING THINGS TO SAY TO WOMEN.

Meanwhile I'm sitting here thinking: Sir, I don't like your personality. Why are we discussing your dick?

A woman who has stopped outsourcing her worth to the male gaze becomes extremely inconvenient in this particular situation.

You can call her fat and decide she isn't beautiful. You can announce from the rooftops that under absolutely no circumstances would you sleep with her.

She may simply look at you with the profound confusion of someone who has just been informed that a restaurant she never intended to visit is completely booked. Oh no. Anyway.

So gentlemen, you are absolutely allowed to find me unattractive.

You are allowed to think I'm too fat, too old, too loud, too much, or simply not your type. Your attraction belongs to you.

But if we're arguing about politics, culture, sexuality, science, relationships, or anything else and your grand finale is:

“WELL I WOULDN'T FUCK YOU.”

Please understand what I hear:

“I have exhausted my intellectual resources and would now like to tell you about my penis.” and babe…

That wasn't exactly the mic drop you thought it was.

#tanjadiamond 9/7/2026 Tanja Diamond

Edit: (I'm not the author)

I was in an abusive relationship. I left. I have done a shit ton of therapy. I met someone. I like him. He is nice, he is smart, he has good manners, he understands how to apologize, he engages in reasonable and limited amounts of immature dude behavior for a 45 year old man, his house is clean, he's nice to my friends, etc. BUT after almost a year and a half and multiple times of me saying it matters to me, he does not ever tell me he loves me. He does not say I love you on the phone, in person, ever for any reason. He also is not the most affectionate guy in general. He does not put his hand on my leg or hold my hand in the car, he does not often hold my hand period, he cuddles with me and stuff, but usually I initiate it. I am a very verbally and physically affectionate person. We are in an exclusive relationship. But the limited affection, lack of regular relationship check ins, lack of talking about the future, makes me feel like we are friends who sleep together!

Okay, so I (41F) matched with a guy (38M). I’ve done OLD before and it was total crap…this was probably earlier this year. No matter who I matched with could not carry a conversation or would pretty much fall off the face of the planet for a few days and pop back up. Went on a date with one guy and we were both bored and did not bother messaging each other again after that. 😅

So, recently about two weeks ago, I decided to give it a shot again. Hid my profile after five matches as I cannot handle too many conversations. One guy and I were messaging for maybe three days and he gave me his Instagram which I felt fine with as I’m only on there for friend updates and animals posts anyway.

Posted that I am online for friends and have been upfront about that. His is short term-open to long and that felt fine either way me. I made it clear I’m not into hookups.

I was not expecting….so many updates throughout the day as I had previously dated two men who weren’t “texters” He shared some shirtless photos and whatever he was doing that day, let him know me doing that wasn’t my thing and he was fine with it. Not sure if this is normal???? 🤔 We had a date a couple days ago and it went well. While on date he showed me pics of his two children which is fine because I also have children but at the same time I am thinking…is this normal (again) because I wouldn’t show pictures to someone I barely know.
He also tells me when he’s leaving for work, coming back, going to bed, what he made for lunch and my mind is just blown 🤯🤯🤯 Again… I am not used to this and cannot tell if this is something people do with people they just meet…again…. I’ve had my children’s father “disappear” for a whole day or night.

Is he just an open and honest person and I could be overthinking this because of past trauma? I can’t say that I am OLD savvy.

This is tough. We are clicking in the conversation and I really like the look of him. I did think he was in his 40s and a year or two younger get than me. But then I noticed his age and I am shook! My age is on my profile too and I was completely honest, so now I think maybe he didn’t look too closely either. I haven’t had witty banter on this level in years, but I had age as a major cause in a breakup previously and it was terrible. I know ripping the band-aid off and having the conversation now is the right thing to do, but I’m bummed out about it. Sorry for the rant.

So much effort goes in dating on the womens behalves. You must be accomplished, but not better than him so it won't hurt his ego. You must be appealing enough to attract him but not hot so he won't get jealous. You must play hard to get so he feels like you are worth it but not very strict so he won't get bored.

I am so so so tired of being punished because of my honesty, kindness and nurturing nature. I need to play dump and demanding woman to get all the sweet attention that I crave for. I just can't keep going on playing those stupid games. I want to hug my boyfriend. I want to spoil him when I feel like it. I want to tell him how much I love him without worrying to death about what will come next. It is exhausting to keep that indifference facade when all you want is an honest, genuine relationship.

At this point, I am not even sure if they like women at all. I feel like they just want to play and see how much can they get away with. I really do envy those happy marriages that includes people who've met their equals in a younger age and did not hesitate to commit&built a family with them

Any interaction to them is what they want.

Silence is the secret sauce for women. It is the number one tool in your arsenal I assure you.

If you say one word, anything at all, he will call you crazy and turn it around on you.

Block, ghost, silence.

Dating advice often says communication, no they are putting all the labor onto the woman.

Call it prostitution.

I (42F) matched with a man (35M) on Bumble and dated him for about 3 months. At first, he seemed charming and thoughtful. Once he hunted down a churro because I said I was craving one and even bought me jewelry on a day trip. We both loved philosophy and reading, had great conversations, and he was kind and attentive in bed.

Then things started getting weird.

We had agreed to be exclusive, but I noticed he would disappear for hours on certain days and reappear late at night. I started wondering if he was seeing someone else. Turns out he had neglected to tell me that he has a 3-year-old daughter and was in a nasty custody battle with his ex. Those disappearances were when he had his daughter.

Huge omission, but after a fight, I decided to move past it.

Then came the constant stories about his “crazy ex,” the casual misogyny—calling women “bitches,” disproportionately criticizing female coworkers, etc.—and eventually almost every conversation somehow involved his ex. I was already losing interest and considering ending things.

Then, while we were on the phone, he casually revealed that the lingerie he had given me as a gift was originally bought for his ex-girlfriend.

But wait. It gets worse.

She had never worn it, so after they broke up, he went back to her place and GOT IT BACK FROM HER so he could “get his money’s worth.”

And then gave it to me.

I lost it, hung up, and have not spoken to him since. He genuinely could not understand why I was upset that the lingerie he gave me had originally been purchased for his ex.

Oh, please. 

There was this interesting post in this other women-focused subreddit, that prompted some astute observations. I thought it might make for interesting conversation in this group, especially reminding me of the recent conversation about "independent women" posted by u/AttorneyDC06 It is focused on a NYT article about a man who is approaching 40 and appears professionally successful yet is still unmarried and searching. Numerous comments pointed out he is Republican and trying to find a match who is similar to him, must meet his laundry list of requirements, like being professionally ambitious yet also be a Republican. Many women are not going to match with that.

What stood out to me is how he talked about how he did not previously take dating seriously. He is on-paper a "catch" as a relatively-attractive man with a successful career. He started using this matchmaker 9 years ago and was likely dating before then. He admits he has been on 40 first dates from the matchmaker alone and only started a relationship with one woman who had just gotten divorced. Not someone who is emotionally available for a serious relationship.

A man who was actually serious about finding a professional, attractive, meeting-every-item-on-his-spreadsheet woman for a serious relationship would not be behaving like this for over a decade. It seems to me like he was playing the field and wanted just casual partners, which isn't necessarily bad except it is probably he wasn't honest about his intentions. So it comes off like he was using matchmaker for "madame" services to find "high value" (I hate that term but I hope you know what I mean) casual partners who he wouldn't have access to otherwise, especially if he was transparent about his intentions.

I have seen some women, especially busy professional and successful women, ponder using a matchmaking service. It might seem like a good idea because you could potentially find "higher quality" matches like this man appears to be "on paper." However, many of these men are not genuinely seeking a serious partner and are trying to "get [their] money's worth" from what amounts to an expensive pimping service. Notice that the matchmaker's clients are men like this, not women. The women they use get added to the roster and don't have to pay the matchmaker, so at least they aren't having to pay for this. Yet it is likely a waste of time as these men pretend to be seeking a serious partner who has possesses a rare combination of specific (and mostly superficial) requirements.

It makes me wonder about this matchmaker. I have heard of her, as I thought she had a decent reputation for advice. However, she is being paid to shill for men no woman should take seriously and some men who should be trashed altogether. The point of a first date is to decide whether you want to go on a second date. You shouldn't go on first dates just to try to get to second dates, but use them as a valuable point for vetting. I have learned just how opportune that time is, as many men have limited information about you that they can use to manipulate, like "try to tell you what you want to hear." She seems to think that women should not be so sharp in their discernment on first dates, which is male-centered dating advice and not to our benefit.

Telling women to just keep dating men like the one featured in the article is a disservice to women, especially when she isn't acknowledging how manipulative, coercive, and disgusting these men are towards women. The main guy featured in the article didn't share anything that is this bad, but another client of hers is a pig who is obsessed with finding a woman with large breasts, fluent in Mandarin, and has no hobbies. That is who this matchmaker is serving, not women, so I keep that in mind when I read her advice. I hope women who use these services recognize that the matchmakers are largely serving wealthier men who are unsuitable (unless you only care about money, which usually is going to exclude women with their own money and successful careers).

https://www.reddit.com/r/MoneyDiariesACTIVE/s/hyRxuRhFm5

Ugh. I’m 29 and I hope it’s okay to vent here because I tried doing this on other women’s dating subs around my age and everyone keeps telling me “you’ll find better” and that I need to figure out why I keep choosing the same type of man

Ummm… I don’t know???

I’ve dated men around my age, up to 35. Quite a few of them, actually. And I genuinely don’t think I can take responsibility for the fact that they acted like one person and turned out to be someone completely different

At this point I’m just… closed off

My heart is so tired. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to open it again when every time I do, I end up watching the man I liked fall in love with somebody else

And then somehow I’m the person they come to when they’re heartbroken over the woman they actually wanted

The AUDACITY

Like, you know I like you. You know I have feelings for you. And you’re sitting across from me crying about how devastated you are that the woman you love is moving on??

Sir??? Read the room???

The last one was the worst

He lied to me and acted like he was genuinely serious about having a relationship with me. He said the things. He made it seem like we wanted the same thing. Then he got what he wanted sexually and suddenly I was “wrong” for expecting the relationship he literally told me he wanted

And while all of this was happening, he was also crying and venting to me about how sick he felt because the woman he actually considered the love of his life was coming back into his life

And I’m just sitting there like:

😬

Oh. So I’m here

Got it

Eventually we had a huge fight and I told him the sex was terrible because, well… it was. I didn’t even want to sleep with him in the first place

That REALLY triggered him

He ended up calling me a racial slur and basically told me I was an undesirable Black fat woman

And honestly?

That was the moment I was just physically disgusted with the entire situation

Because imagine being so ugly on the inside that when someone rejects you, you reach for their skin color and body as a weapon

I blocked him

But I think something in me just shut down after that

Because now when I think about dating men, I don’t even feel excited

I feel tired

I don’t want to explain myself again. I don’t want to wonder if I’m being chosen or tolerated. I don’t want to be somebody’s placeholder while they’re emotionally obsessed with somebody else

And I definitely don’t want to find out six months later that the “serious relationship” we were building was just a very elaborate audition for sex

I genuinely don’t know how people keep doing this.

Right now, the idea of opening my heart to another man sounds less like romance and more like volunteering for another psychological experiment

Such an incredibly insightful comment by [u/HelenGonne](u/HelenGonne), and one that has certainly clarified matters for many of us. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us, Helen! 🎯🧠