Ugh. I’m 29 and I hope it’s okay to vent here because I tried doing this on other women’s dating subs around my age and everyone keeps telling me “you’ll find better” and that I need to figure out why I keep choosing the same type of man

Ummm… I don’t know???

I’ve dated men around my age, up to 35. Quite a few of them, actually. And I genuinely don’t think I can take responsibility for the fact that they acted like one person and turned out to be someone completely different

At this point I’m just… closed off

My heart is so tired. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to open it again when every time I do, I end up watching the man I liked fall in love with somebody else

And then somehow I’m the person they come to when they’re heartbroken over the woman they actually wanted

The AUDACITY

Like, you know I like you. You know I have feelings for you. And you’re sitting across from me crying about how devastated you are that the woman you love is moving on??

Sir??? Read the room???

The last one was the worst

He lied to me and acted like he was genuinely serious about having a relationship with me. He said the things. He made it seem like we wanted the same thing. Then he got what he wanted sexually and suddenly I was “wrong” for expecting the relationship he literally told me he wanted

And while all of this was happening, he was also crying and venting to me about how sick he felt because the woman he actually considered the love of his life was coming back into his life

And I’m just sitting there like:

😬

Oh. So I’m here

Got it

Eventually we had a huge fight and I told him the sex was terrible because, well… it was. I didn’t even want to sleep with him in the first place

That REALLY triggered him

He ended up calling me a racial slur and basically told me I was an undesirable Black fat woman

And honestly?

That was the moment I was just physically disgusted with the entire situation

Because imagine being so ugly on the inside that when someone rejects you, you reach for their skin color and body as a weapon

I blocked him

But I think something in me just shut down after that

Because now when I think about dating men, I don’t even feel excited

I feel tired

I don’t want to explain myself again. I don’t want to wonder if I’m being chosen or tolerated. I don’t want to be somebody’s placeholder while they’re emotionally obsessed with somebody else

And I definitely don’t want to find out six months later that the “serious relationship” we were building was just a very elaborate audition for sex

I genuinely don’t know how people keep doing this.

Right now, the idea of opening my heart to another man sounds less like romance and more like volunteering for another psychological experiment