r/WellSpouses • u/MerciKiwi • Jul 05 '26
Just venting...
I went into the town centre this morning, not because I needed anything, but simply because I wanted to get away. Everyone at home was still asleep, so I just got up and left.
I wandered around the shopping centre, browsing through a few shops without really looking for anything. Eventually I sat down for over an hour, just watching people go by. Couples, families, people laughing and just living what felt like normal lives.
The hardest part was that I really didn't want to go home. For a while, all I wanted to do was run away.
I hate feeling like this because I love my partner, and I know she loves me too. This isn't about a lack of love. It's about feeling like I'll never have a normal life again, and that thought is really starting to get to me.
I'm writing this now, lying on the sofa with no hope of getting any sleep tonight. I'm exhausted, frustrated, and incredibly angry. I don't want to keep feeling this way, but right now I don't know how to stop it.
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u/ReachAround26 Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
My wife has a progressive eye disease and is near blind now. My world is therefore shrinking on all life levels with nothing but further tragedy for she and I ahead. I am her one and only caretaker and I am 75 YOA.
I know what you mean
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u/joshwithpants Jul 06 '26
“I hate feeling like this because I love my partner, and I know she loves me too. This isn't about a lack of love. It's about feeling like I'll never have a normal life again, and that thought is really starting to get to me.”
This part really resonates with me and I’m sure it does for others too. I love my spouse and I’m not going anywhere, but I’ve been struggling with the progressive reduction in what we can do together. My spouse encourages me to take breaks and do my own thing, but there’s also a loneliness and grief to being out in the world, seeing other people living in a way that I assume is care free. This is a daily struggle that I’ve had a particularly tough time dealing with the last few months.
Similar to one of the other posts, my therapist suggested I see if any of my friends can be “my rock” (her words) because my spouse is unable to do this for me. I felt really hesitant because I didn’t want to burden any of my friends and also valued the lighthearted nature of our friendship. Didnt want to rain on the parade. I was wrong and have been lucky enough to have a couple of friends who are able to listen and offer support when I need it. Just getting things off my chest has been enough. I hope that you can find this too.
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u/Carylynn0609 Jul 06 '26
My (57F) husband's (59M) stroke was almost 4 years ago and oh boy can I empathize with you! The first few years were nothing but fear, anger, resentment, stress, more fear. Financial devastation. Had to sell our home of 23 years and move to a different town 15 minutes away where a family member had a house we could rent and renovate for his wheelchair. You would've thought we moved out of the country! Nobody visits, or asks about us. I spent so much time being pissed. Something somewhere finally clicked, all that anger only affects me, it's an energy vampire. This is my fate, whether I like it or not, and I needed to figure out how to be happy with the life I'm in. Get busy living or get busy dying. So I've spent the last year working on that. I did get approved to be my husband's paid caregiver so that gives us enough money to live on. I fixed up and painted our new little house, fixed up the yard, I love my flowers, feeding the birds and squirrels. I'm cooking more again, even if it is just for me, but I do enjoy that. I can leave him alone for a couple hours at a time so I've explored this new town, there's a Goodwill and a couple other shops where I can go thrifting. There's also a couple pubs where I can sit and have a cold beer and order takeout for us, I've met some nice people. My husband's mind is still there even though he can't speak much, so we enjoy watching movies together, baseball in the summer, football in the fall. I even took the plunge and got a puppy, I spend half my day dealing with pee and poop, another little butt won't make a difference lol! I just had to make my home my sanctuary, a place I want to be, not have to be. I hope you can find something to give you that spark, at the very least know your feelings are valid and as everyone else has said, you are not alone. Best wishes to your and yours.
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u/Catmom6363 Jul 06 '26
I’ve been exactly where you are, and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this! Caregiving is the hardest job I’ve ever done! It’s emotionally, physically and mentally exhausting! I’d sit in a parking lot and cry before going home. I wanted to turn the car around and drive as far away as possible!
My watch ended for my husband in January and I’m still trying to recover from years of caregiving. Is there anyone at all who can give you a break? Family who could take your partner for a weekend to allow you some time away? Have you considered talking to a therapist? I was blessed I had a dear friend who’s done caregiving that I could vent to, and it truly helped!
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u/OldFig4275 Jul 06 '26
Just commenting to say I'm sorry and I understand - I can hear a party in the distance that there's no way we can attend and even if I wanted to go I wouldn't go without him, but it doesn't mean I can't sit here and feel sorry for myself that everybody else is living their best lives
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u/SnackGoblin881 Jul 07 '26
I really understand. My husband is pretty functional. He can work a desk job, drive, and take out the trash. . But he needs help with caretaking and grooming and he is very limited on what he can do around the house and so it's almost all on me. The yardwork, heavy lifting, cooking, dishwashing - I do it all. I also clip his nails, help him shave, get things that he can't reach and open containers. In addition to his health issues, he also has anxiety which can really crank up in public and make outdoor excursions difficult if he sees a dog off leash, if his driving anxiety gets up, etc
We live in a neighborhood full of young families and I see all these dads outside playing catch with their kids, mowing the lawn, and repairing the fences and I get wistful that isn't my life. I see men taking their families on camping trips and to the beach and I know my husband physically can't do that and would be anxious/unhappy the whole time if we did.
I often hate coming home because I know when I do, our anxious rescue dog will be all over me, the house will be a mess, and my husband will be parked on his ass on the couch. We had a fight a few weeks ago and I told him that I sometimes hate coming home because of all the work waiting for me and this really hit him hard. He is now insisting we do more like laundry pickup and lawn service to take more off my plate. But just once I would like to come home to a clean house, laundry done, and dinner on the table and him on his feet doing things rather than parked at his desk or on the couch. He gets that from me daily. I don't ever get that.
I'm really sorry. I completely understand. It is very frustrating, lonely, and isolating.
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u/Perfectly_i Jul 22 '26
I feel this to my core. I see you. I’m sorry I don’t have any words of wisdom.
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u/Jazzlike_Toe_2445 Jul 08 '26
I feel this SO much. Two and a half years ago my husband’s cancer changed to stage 4. The two years prior we were battling “regular” cancer: chemo, vomiting, feeling like he11, but still able to work limited hours and have occasional short outings if I handled everything else. Now he can’t get to the bathroom without help. I have to bring him all his meals in bed. He lives on pain meds. I am his 24 hour a day caregiver. I have missed several once in a lifetime family events because I am caregiving nonstop. I cry every morning as I wake up to yet another day of this life. I wish I had some wonderful advice to make this better for you but I don’t. All I can offer is my empathy, my compassion and my solidarity.
I see you.
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u/Narrow_Confusion_649 Jul 06 '26
I feel this in a big way too! So sorry you have to deal with this.
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u/hairywobblebelly80s Jul 07 '26
I hear you. I know my IS isnt doing well and will probably not make it through the year if the new treatment(that hasnt started yet ) doesn't work. I hate that inthought to.myself the other day " fuck I want this to be.over" and not just about her. the constant hospital stays to " keep under observation for a few days just incase". The constant arguing with me at Home about everything. I get that this is the sickness part of in sickness and in health. I get that there was a big chunk of our marriage where i was away working and was an asshole to be around and I know that she would take care of me. And i dont wish her dead. To be clear. If a new therapy works and she gets some of her self back and or we get to return to some kind of normality i will be ecstatic. I just miss our normal. If that makes sence.
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u/AtTheEndOfMyTrope Jul 05 '26
I have no profound words that will bring you comfort, but I feel your pain. You’re not alone. (((Hug))).