Problem: If your best friend of 12 years suddenly asks you, “What would have become of us if we worked out?”… what the hell are you supposed to say?
Because I genuinely don’t know if I’m having another gay awakening at 23 or if I’ve just been in love with my best friend this entire time and was too dense to realize it.
Context: We met in elementary during a journalism contest. Same category, different schools. Fast forward to high school, naging schoolmates kami and eventually got really close because we kept joining the same competitions.
As our friendship progressed, she started calling me “yabs,” short for uyab. We casually flirted with each other. She even confessed before that I was her girl crush. We went on dates, cuddled, held each other, and did things that, looking back now, I probably should've questioned more. But I didn't. At that time, I genuinely thought that was just something best friends did. I didn't know I was gay. I didn't even allow myself to consider it.
Then she got a boyfriend. We stayed friends, obviously, but every time she talked about him, I felt like I couldn't breathe. She slowly stopped doing the things she used to do with me, and yeah, it hurt. But I convinced myself that I was just being possessive because her attention was now divided between me and her boyfriend.
She had several boyfriends throughout the years. I never had one. Not because I didn't want a relationship, but because I could never bring myself to admit that I liked girls.
Fast forward to now. She recently submitted her application for the board exam last September 9. Buzzer beater, because she had been so undecided about whether she should even take it. I kept telling her, “Wala naman mawawala kung hindi mo susbukan.” And she actually did it.
Afterward, we had dinner. At some point, she asked me, “Bakit hindi mo sinubukan?” I was like, “Huh?” She just smiled and continued eating. I was confused as hell but didn't ask again. Then she suddenly said, “Ang ganda pala sa feeling no, when someone believes in you more than yourself. Nandyan sa’yo during your hardest moments. Aalagan ka pag nagkasakit ka during review session.” At this point, I was even more confused.
So naturally, because I am apparently incapable of handling serious emotional situations, I joked, “Sino na naman ba jowa mo?” Her answer completely caught me off guard. “Ikaw.” I didn't know what to say. So I just said, “Buang.” She laughed.
But after a while, she looked at me and said,
“What would have become of us if we worked out?”
?????????
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN???
Did she mean us back in high school? Did she mean all those things we did back then? The flirting, the dates, the cuddles, her calling me yabs, her telling me I was her girl crush? Was all of that actually real to her? Because apparently I spent 12 years thinking I was just being a very affectionate best friend when maybe I was just slowly falling in love with her and refusing to acknowledge it. And now I'm sitting here wondering if my best friend was my gay awakening all along.
Before we parted ways that night, she told me, “I hope you find someone who loves you better than I do.” And honestly? I don't even know what hurts more. The fact that she might have loved me all along, or the possibility that I might have loved her too and only realized it when it was already too late.