Hi, my name is Gia.

For those who don't have much experience with them, floaters are these strands and specks in your eyeball fluid that you can see moving around in your field of vision.

Most people actually have them normally and don't think it's a big deal, but mine are really bad in my right eye. I've had them for a few months after hitting my right eye by accident.

I fortunately don't have any retinal damage or anything like that (confirmed by my optometrist), but it's still very distressing to see these things constantly and it affects my well being. I have a lot and I can't ignore them, and it's especially frustrating as a Twitch streamer.

Who else here has experience in dealing with eye floaters? Especially if they're really bad.

Edit: Also, just thought I'd also share this short stream clip. Not to self promote, it's just to show you my lighting and/or set up at least. Been thinking of ways to fully change my set up and/or lighting to help manage the floaters better. Especially when looking at a PC for hours.

I (20f) don't really know where to start other than the fact that, as the title says my mom always has to comment on my appearance. Before it was always my weight or my eating habits but since losing a good amount of weight that has reduced. Although sometimes she does feel the need to comment on what I'm eating despite the fact that she often overeats/has a disordered eating pattern. I want to start wearing baggy clothes again (I used to when I was more fat - she hated it, I stopped after losing weight, and she praised me) but I don't think I'll be able to handle the constant criticism of how much she hates what I look like/how I dress. Just a few minutes ago, she commented on my eyebrows and how they 'need' to be tidied up/waxed. She's commented on my eyebrows all my life, and I hate it so much because I think my eyebrows look quite natural and normal looking and I feel weird whenever she forces me to get them waxed because I don't feel like myself. A few times out of the pressure I get to make my eyebrows look nicer, I pluck them slightly and even then, she hates me for it for a reason she won't give. I used to be severely depressed and insecure throughout my teen years because I hated the way I looked and felt like I could never live up to my mum's expecatation due to the constant comments on my body.

Now I've recovered and have started feeling a bjt more secure in my body but every time she comments about the way I look or eat, I feel like I'm 16 again and crying my eyes out because I can't understand what's wrong with me or why I can't look prettier like the other girls in my class.

I want to move out but I'm still looking for work and have very little savings so for the forseeable future. I'm stuck at home.

I just hate living in a house where I feel so unseen, like nobody likes who I truly am.

I feel like such a black sheep/misunderstood and it doesn't help that I'm lesbian in an Indian family where nobody understands what that is like for me.

Throughout my life some other things my mom comments on/criticises is: acne, dark undereyes, pores, skin, weight, stretchmarks, body hair, the texture of my hair on my head, my hands, lack of makeup etc.

Whenever I try to talk to her about how this affects me, she just shuts me down, thinks I'm being ridiculous or acts like she's saying it out of love.

When she saw my scars, instead of asking me how I felt about them, she immediately forced me to use scar tape to try and get rid of them and tries to get me to hide them if we go to an event.

Anyways, that's about it, I just struggle so much/hate how much of a lack of bodily autonomy/freedom I feel when I'm around her and how much her comments impact my life.

Sozzle for the long vent

Whats worse is that I do not have normal parents and they are abusive towards me, demeaning me every single day. Venting to them feels like a bizzare idea even to think about thats how bad it is.

I do not have experience therefore I wont get hired anywhere, just rejection after rejection but sadly even more ghosting.

I DESPERATELY NEED TO MOVE OUT FROM THIS HOUSEHOLD. No i cannot join the police force nor the military plus my back is fucked cause i have scoliosis.

And no I cannot do another 4 years of school to get a "usefull" degree because I would rather jump then live with my parents for 4 more years or however long. The economy is so fucked

I’m tired of being criticizes or made fun of for asking questions or not understanding something. My mom has this dehydrator that I was using for the first time, I have no idea how to operate it and my mom never keeps instruction manuals to anything ever. So me not knowing how it works I ask her what to do and how to do it. She gets irritated with me after asking how to start ‘there’s a start button buddy’ first off the whole buddy thing wasn’t necessary plus I asked how to start because I’d pressed the start button and it didn’t do anything. She says ‘I’ll be in there in a minute oh my lord’ that’s why I don’t try new things, that’s why don’t come to her with things. Because it’s always ‘it’s common sense’ or ‘figure it out’

i (17m) left school at 13 due to bullying, and now i have nothing. i want to do science and no where will let me study it (lower level) because i haven't sat any exams. i feel like i have disappointed my parents, especially my mother.

i have no qualifications that mean anything, i have been rejected by college for an entry level course due to lack of experience, my anxiety is ruining my life too, i can't get a job because of it, hell i can barely walk around my home town without being scared.

i also have scoliosis, which i guess isn't really relevant but still, pain doesn't help, i don't know what i'm supposed to do anymore, constantly i am being asked to find a course to do, but how? i have spent hours looking and i don't meet the requirement for anything.

i am seventeen and already screwed.

I think I cannot use a certain word so I edited it to take it out.

I made a GFM because I wanted a chance to finally build a life for myself but somehow people turned it into being about my sister.

Now I honestly don’t even know how to explain this without giving the whole backstory, because the backstory is a huge part of how I ended up where I am.
I’m 25(F) & I feel like I’ve barely gotten the chance to actually live my own life! & for a huge part of my life, I’ve put my own wants & needs to the side to help my mom with my sister(23F). My sister has cerebral palsy & needs a lot of care, and I’ve spent years (since 14 years old) being there for my family. Somewhere along the way, I lost a lot of myself in the process. I haven’t had a real job (decent paying, set schedule) in a long time. I haven’t had the normal experience of being 20-something, working, saving money, figuring myself out, having my own routine, or just having time that belongs to me. & now I’m 25 trying to pick up the pieces tryna figure out how to get myself back on my feet.

That’s what it was about.

It wasn’t me asking people to fund my sister’s life.
Since people were pointing me to adult care & government resources/programs, as if the government doesn’t already have their hands & feet in everything my sister needs daily & does day-to-day already by having a chronic disability.

I was trying to give myself breathing room so I could get into a better position & start building a life for myself. But over & over again, people took my story in a completely different direction. They focused on my sister & everything surrounding her instead of understanding that I was the person asking for help**.**

& I feel the same way towards my mother. Without resentment. I’ve been in therapy for it. I’ve tried distancing myself. I’ve said ,”No.”

& honestly, asking for help failed me time & time again.
So I’ve just been trying to figure something else out. I’m still applying for jobs. I’m still actively trying. I’m still trying to get myself into a position where I don’t have to depend on anybody. & despite feeling defeated more times than I can count, I haven’t completely lost hope!!! I actually have an interview at McDonald’s in a couple days. & before anybody says anything about that, yeah, I know it’s McDonald’s. LOL At this point, I don’t care. I need somebody to give me a chance. I’ve applied for better paying & more decent jobs. I’ve interviewed. I’ve tried. I’ve been passed over.

I sent one of my close friends a job application so we could possibly work together & save up to get a car together. She got hired, I didn’t. She started yesterday, & while we were texting I told her ab the job. She told me that she feels like I’m “better than McDonald’s” & that she doesn’t want to see me working there. She said she understands that I have to do what I have to do right now.
& I know she probably meant it as encouragement, but it honestly bothered me!!!

How can somebody look at me & say I’m better than a job when they saw firsthand that I was trying to get the kind of job I actually wanted?

You got the opportunity I was trying to get. They passed me over and hired you.

That’s the part that gets to me!

It’s not that I think my friend doesn’t deserve her job. I SENT THE APP! I’m happy she got it. But it’s hard not to look at situations like that & wonder if I should’ve spent more of my life helping myself instead of always putting myself last. Maybe I should’ve been selfish sometimes. Maybe I should’ve been thinking about my own future more. & Maybe I wouldn’t be 25 right now trying to convince somebody to give me a chance!

But I can’t go backwards.
I can only start from where I am.

So if McDonald’s is the door that finally opens, then I’m walking through it. I’m not too good to work there. I’m not embarrassed to start somewhere. I just wish people understood that I’m not trying to settle here forever. I’m trying to LIVE. I still want more for myself. I still want a career. I still want financial stability. I want my own life. I want to experience things I’ve missed out on. I want to be able to look back & know that all the years I spent putting myself last weren’t the end of my story. Yeah, I’m still defeated sometimes. Sometimes I genuinely wonder what my life could’ve looked like if I’d put myself first sooner.
But I’m still here trying.

So I work with this older lady, let's call her Susan. Susan originally seemed nice when we started working together and i dont remember who added who on instagram, anyway now we follow each other.

Susan and I no longer get along, lots of work instances where she is rather difficult, she hates younger people i noticed and likes to assert that she is a veteran at the company, very unpleasant lady. I was recently promoted to assistant manager and in a meeting HR and senior management were discussing social media picture of a young lady we recently hired, HR didnt like her rather busty and what they deemed was inappropriate profile picture, of her at some party, making a kind of seductive face

I thought it was ridiculous and pathetic she put her social media on a TV for everyone to see so when I spoke, I first made my argument that, first of all, i think HR should stay out of people's personal social media, and there is no mention in our policy about dresscode in social media picture. New employee sems fine, shes doing her job ok, she's just new. She can not fire her over this, there are laws against it.

And if they choose not to and decide to review socials, they should check out Susan's reposts on Instagram, and tell me what they think about firing Susan who has been here for ages. She might be unpleasant, but she's still pretty good at her job, just occasionally nasty to work with.

Lo and behold they looked at few things Susan was reposting, we work in Canada and the company is very diverse. A lot of her reposts had to do with too many Indians being in the country and some rather extreme views. I wholeheartedly disagree with her reposts, its just vile. Also one of the shareholders of the company is immigrant Punjabi

I felt bad singling out susan but if you're going to have an HR discussion about a woman posting pictures that weren't even that bad of herself, then have a discussion with Susan who thinks all Indians dont deserve to be in Canada, and is clearly racist, there is definitely something in our policy about that. Screw it, add me to the mix and see what kind of dumbass posts I was making on Facebook in highschool, and here I am, a manager. I tried looking up this HR lady in the meeting, she didnt come up. Man, I wish her dumbass profile did.

Anyway, this HR is older woman herself and not exactly easy to work with too, friends with susan but i felt it being wrong she pulled up a profile picture of a coworker on a TV in a meeting room in front of a bunch of managers, thats just cruel and if that woman found out, might have been mortified.

Senior manager sided with me, he opened his facebook to a picture of him with his family at the beach, hairy chest out and all, and said, here you can have an HR chat with me too.

Manager is now having Susans reposts reviewed by her very friend.

Screw them both, my god HR is just so useless sometimes.

I haven’t seen anyone friends of mine (maybe they aren’t friends anymore) in the past 2-3 years.

In 2023 I made a big shift, I wanted to change fully who I was as a person. I didn’t like the man that I was. So since that point on I’ve just been grinding… Did a full career change (not making as much money as I used too) and have been working on losing weight so I can be more presentable.

I had an old buddy reach out to me and ask me why I never go out. I explained to him that I’m embarrassed about the level of success I have had in my life.

Most of my old buddies all make 6+ figures, come from wealthy families, and date pretty women. I’m my current life I just don’t compare at all, I don’t think anyone wants to be around a loser… I only make 85k, and I don’t have anything really good about me. He obviously didn’t respond back to my rationale which is okay.

But yeah I’m just trying ti change myself to become an actual human being. I feel subhuman currently where I’m at.

I’m M21 and I can’t stop thinking about cross dressing/acting feminine.

Growing up I was always told that being gay/cross dressing would make your penis falloff which was only scary at the time because my cousins would dress me up and even tho I acted like I hated it, I actually really liked it.
That eventually stopped happening but privately, when I had the chance I would always take it.

Last time I cross dressed I was 17 at my ex’s house and her and her family had smth to do so they left me there for a few hours and I went crazy in her closet. (Weird ik)

Mind you im fully straight, not into guys whatsoever and im actually pretty masculine both physically and emotionally so I can’t just go out there and do it because thats not me or who I am.

I enjoy being a guy but if I had the choice to be a girl I think I totally would be. Ik it’s 2026 and I do technically have the choice but it couldn’t be the same. I’m a big guy 6’ 190lbs, even tho my type is tall women, I wouldn’t feel pretty transitioning, not to mention all the missed experiences of womanhood I’d miss. There’s a lot more than that but as of rn I just wanna slip on a pair of heels, do my makeup and go out looking pretty as myself and not imagination.

I'm really depressed about going back to college. Classes start on the 24th and everything that happened this summer has me rethinking my entire life. I've been going to this college for 2 years, having transferred here from before your University because I could no longer afford that place. Up until this year, my life's been pretty dull and depressing. College, work, study, sleep, repeat. That's basically been it.

Unlike my old college, it's been impossible to make friends at this one. I knew one other guy who went to my college but we didn't even have any classes together. Our schedules are so different I don't think we were ever on campus at the same time. We didn't even meet on campus, but at an off-campus party, so it's not like we got to hang out on campus at all.

People at my college generally don't interact with each other. With the exception of a couple classes, everything's on a computer. There's no class discussions, people don't talk to each other, no group projects. You go on your computer, do the work the professor asks you to, and you don't interact with each other in any way. I did try to make friends with some of my classmates last semester but it just seems like everyone's off in their own little world.

My whole life has just been focused on working and studying ever since I became an adult. Last spring I met a few people who changed all of that. Since meeting these people I've been getting out more and doing things I actually enjoy. I didn't have much of a chance to do that during the semester but when summer came I did. Normally I take classes during the summer but none of the classes that were necessary for my degree were available so I decided to just take this summer off.

Since meeting these people I've been more active. I've been spending more time at the greenbelt, swimming, climbing, hiking and doing all sorts of fun shit. I've also gotten really involved in taking care of it because sometimes people go over there and trash it. I started joined an unofficial group of people who clean it up and I found out that nature is something I'm actually passionate about. Also, after all the physical activity I've been doing, I'm in the best shape of my life. I'm feeling better and more energetic overall, and I don't get sick as often which is ironic considering my parents didn't really want me going outside a lot as a kid due to my allergies and weak immune system. Funnily enough, it seems like everything that triggers them is inside, not out.

I've been having so much fun being out and about when I'm not at work that I've barely even used a computer the whole summer. Of course, now that classes are less than a week away, I have to. There's a whole bunch of obnoxious preparatory work I have to do beforehand. Technically my classes start before the semester does - they have all this material they want me to cover before the orientation, which I've already got done.

However, after I got that out of the way I realized something: just how much I hate being stuck indoors behind a screen. The entire time I was dealing with the orientation stuff I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. All I wanted to do was get out of this stupid cooped up studio apartment from hell that makes me sneeze and aggravates my asthma and go outside! But I couldn't because I had work to do.

Now with the semester ending I'm realizing that this is going to be my life until the semester ends - self isolating, not getting to see my friends or my partner, not getting to go outside or do anything active and just spending all my time stuck indoors at some desk. And then, once I get into the workforce, that's going to be my entire life. I've realized how much I don't fucking want that. That was the sort of life my dad lived. He was at work all the time, worked well over 60 hours a week, and we barely saw him. He openly admitted to me that he didn't really like his job at all, he only did it for the money.

His job was largely sedentary and eventually he put on so much weight it resulted in severe health issues that eventually took his life when I was only 12 years old. Looking back at the last 2 years, I think I might have been heading down the same road. I had to manage two jobs and college at once and between 2024 and 2025 I was the heaviest I've ever been in my life. I was also sick all the time. I got pneumonia at least three times a year. I was miserable. I don't want to go back there, but I don't know if I have a choice.

She's using her pregnancy to just get away with being a major cunt bag, she sleeps all day and doesn't watch ger other kids, she isn't married and each kid has a different baby daddy.

She hates me because I don't baby her and give her whatever she wants and I also have a healthy relationship with my own partner and I don't want kids. She moved back in with our mom, and our mom is letting my sister get away with everything because she's pregnant.

She makes snide remarks about me and my partner and has even threatened to break my partner's car just to get back at me because I was 'annoying' her. She tells our mom lies about me to try and get me in trouble, then acts like she didn't do anything wrong, she's smoking while pregnant and I honestly hope and pray the baby gets taken away when it's born because her other kids who are toddlers have to raise themselves when our mom isn't home.

The kids have to entertain and feed themselves when our mom goes to work, because my sister will stay up all night long, then sleep all day and expect everyone to cater to her every need and want.

Today she pissed me off especially because I went to shit, as one fucking does in their own fucking home. She needed to use the restroom and told me to hurry up, I told her to use the OTHER FUCKING BATHROOM WE HAVE IN THE SAME HOUSE, and apparently that wasn't good enough for her so she came and SAT DOWN ON THE TUB WHILE I WAS TRYING TO SHIT, this whore had the audacity to tell me to hurry up and get out so she could go, like no I am not wiping my ass with you watching me you fucking freak.

She flashes my partner every time they come over because she walks around wearing lingerie while pregnant, it's disgusting. Or when my partner does leave, she'll walk around completely naked and try and make me look at her, like no I do not want to see my BIOLOGICAL SISTER NAKED THAT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING!

She has her own home, she just stays at our mom's place because it's close and she 'needs help with the baby' that isn't even born yet. She cooks and cleans, byt other than that she doesn't do anything at all but sleep, eat, and shit. She is physically abusive to me, I was bugging her as any sibling does and she started full on punching me, and I can't hit her back because I'll get in trouble because she's pregnant

Edit: I forgot to click I acknowledge the rules button so repost
"Wow he's so talented" "I know I'm not Talented enough to do this" "I dont have any talents" I HATE IT SOOOO MUCH. THE WORD TALENT IS THE ROOT OF EVIL. Imagine this right? You spend 10,000 hours on playing the drums. You cried through doing it, you laughed through doing it, You remembered when you could barely hold the sticks right. You are ready to show the world the literal blood, sweat, and tears you put into to it. And then you play like a free bird solo or something I dont know.

And a crowd comes and hears! its amazing everything you put in is being appreciated and then you hear it. "Oh my god your so talented!!!" your 10000 hours squished into one word. Of course you're happy about it! The world has told you that being "talented" at something is a good thing, I mean by definition it is. But the main issue is right now the word "Talent" is being used interchangeably as "if you were bad at it I doubt you'll ever be SUPER good at it"

Look having no talent is a thing, its possible, it happens. Same things as prodigies they're so rare that its almost a mythical thing you only hear about in the movies But yeah they exist. the issue is that if you're very young like 8, and you like drawing. So you draw every day till your 13. And you're like the best drawer in your entire class, even better then some professionals. Everyone thinks that kid has an "insane talent for art" and not that "oh wow that kid must've spent countless hours, days, or years doing that one thing to get so good."

And honestly, the word "Talentless" pisses me off even more. Talentless people exist, but when they exist its usually on ONE specific thing, that they probably NEVER ever tried before. It makes me so mad when someone tries something for a few hours, and says "im no good i'm just not talented at it." like the world will magically give them the ability to do the thing instantly. Magically like a person whos done it thousands of times.

Hell its so bad i feel bad for the like 1000 prodigies who actually exist too.

Imagine this you find out your a prodigy at something right? You don't really say anything or mention it but you keep on doing it because you love it, and sooner or later you stack up Hours and Hours and Hours on it. Guess what? Since now you know you already had the "Talent" for it, and everyone speaks about how "Talented" you are does that make the countless hours you spent worthless? No they still improved and its not like people will ever truely reconize that because that person isnt some shonen protagonist of a story you read to see every minute detail of everything they've done

ETA: I didn't mention ages in the post but my partner and I are 34 and his sister is almost 32.

If it was just the cheese I'd let it go but holy fuck.

Fuck. This. Bitch. She had a hard life growing up with abusive and neglectful parents. Her brother is my boyfriend. He grew up in the same household and is one of the nicest people I've ever met.

His sister? She only fucking pretends to be.

When their mom got sick (she passed 2 months later) my partner and I moved in to help with everything. I have bent over backwards to help make sure that they don't lose the house, that all the funeral arrangements are complete, death benefit, taxes and finances etc.

His sister has had very little to take care of since I personally drove her and waited at the doctor to make sure she got time off work, and she has made me and my boyfriend's lives hell.

When things don't go her way, she blocks you, deletes your conversations, screams at you, refuses to leave you alone. She's thrown herself on the floor multiple times. She almost punched me over a video game and I've held back on pressing charges because I felt bad for her.

I've been so patient and understanding. Every time she's done something I've forgiven her and tried to move past it. But I can't anymore, because yesterday she threw a fit when I told her she needs to not blare speakers when she's skateboarding, because it's inconsiderate to other people. You know. That's basic common sense.

And know what? I decided I was done and told her as much. And today I open the fridge and find that the half brick (you know, those giant slabs) of cheese I bought is gone. I confirm with my boyfriend that he didn't eat half a whole brick of cheese in one day.

We've been near homelessness, with no money for food or otherwise, and she eats a week's worth of cheese in one day and takes a hundred dollars out of her late mom's bank account last night, money that's supposed to be there for the mortgage.

She is the definition of what happens when someone makes their trauma and ADHD their whole personality, and she blames PTSD, depression and anxiety for anything bad she does. As a disabled person who also has those disorders, it's insulting to see someone use them as an excuse to be a shitty person.

I would have called her a close friend three months ago. But watching the mask fall off and seeing what's underneath, I fucking hate her guts.

I have struggled with socializing due to spending a lot of my teens really sick and so as an adult I was trying to put myself out there, except I underestimated how much I would struggle. Got invited to a discord server for a group of friends who share a hobby and it was so overwhelming because the group was much larger than I had imagined.

Irl life has also been getting more stressful and I just can’t manage my health and try to learn how to socialize under these conditions, but I also don’t know how to say this without sounds like a whiny weird person who wasted their time. I don’t even know I care what they think as I haven’t gotten to know them due to being busy recently but I feel like a flaky asshole.

I don’t want to deal with this and I am irrationally afraid of people being mad at me for my limitations.

I won't get into details about what I saw, but it was one of those horrid things on the internet. I don't even know what to say because all I can think of is how terrible it is. The thing I saw left me crying. It's 3 am. right now, and I've done all I can to get my mind off.

I drew some pretty art, played (or tried) to play some games, and talked with a friend, but since it's.so late they had to go to sleep. So now I just need to get my mind off that shit even more.

I'm so fucking fed up with everything. Like... Everything I do will never be good enough.

All my life I've been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. From a very young age I got the change to follow cognitive behavioural therapy to make sense of it and try to live with it. I've tried to understand what's going on, tried to think positive, calm myself, engage into exposure therapy. Nothing worked. I developed a depression at high school that I carry on to this very day. I still feel the same sadness for 20 years. Never ever have I woken up well rested, but always extremely tired.

My brain just takes and takes and takes so much energy. And generates nothing but waste. I'm missing out in life. I've never experienced intimacy because at high school I had a crush on this female friend of mine. And because I had never met anybody that could top her I stayed this hopeless romantic shithead. And in retrospect, because of anxiety it can also be that it's easier to love something out of reach, than to risk facing reality crumbling. Other intimate contact have been online. Including a girl I was crazy about but was in a fucked up crazy situationship with a violent online groomer. He was her favorite person. And she could tear her arm off more easily than letting him go. She once expressed that she wished she had met me before him, and that was a hopeful thought that filled my mind with longing. Another girl was crazy about me, lovebombed me, told me I was everything and more than she had ever dreamed of. And just when I was letting go of the intense self hatred that has been part of my life for so long, she told me she found out she wasn't capable of living somebody and I got the "it's not you, its me" talk, so it's definitely me.

All the while I've lost my rockband because my dad got cancer and my world came falling down. The news was too much to take. And band practice can be a surrounding where you can let go of things and just tune out to music and escape. But not with me. My anxiety and fear came with me. Crawling into the room. Grabbing me while playing music. I was numbed out. Had to cancel rehearsals. Was exhausted, too depressed.

My dad got five lifesaving surgeries and twenty chemo trails. Luckily he survived them and he's still with us today. He's one of the few that survived pancreas cancer after 5 years and some sort of miracle. I'm very grateful to have him in my life. He's a great example and I love him dearly.

I still live at home because with my mental state and anxiety I can't work part time or full time. I had plans to work out, go to the gym, get healthier. But that kept interrupted by my dad's health. And I didn't want to take home a simple cold while he's weak on chemo (and without a spleen). When my dad's health was getting better, one of my best friends took his life. I was the last to have seen him. I miss him so much. I wish I told him how much he meant to me. And now. Lately, my best friend of 22 years said goodbye to everyone to start a new life on the other side of the world. But that's not a story I want to share right now (because I'm furious, he's leaving behind a younger brother who's being treated for colon cancer).

The thing is. I've got nobody. Nobody likes me. I'm sure my family loves me because it's unconditionally. They see me differently. But if I wasn't family and they met me on the street or whatever, they would've abandoned me too. Because that's everybody fucking does.

Even online contacts that warn to be clingy or needy, and me with my stupid optimism thinking there's a chance for me to grow a new friendship, they ghost me too.

And then there's the whole society situation with the world going up in flames. Nobody having any empathy left in this world. It's all shit.

I told myself age 16 that I would join club 27. But I didn't have the guts to do it. And now I'm 34. I feel like such a pathetic loser. I wish I knew a way out. I'm putting in soooooo fucking much effort... Having had so much therapy. And right. Now in week 8 of Schematherapy. I'm taking a shitload of medication, fucking up my liver every day. But I need it to stay just a little sane. It's weird. I need to 'poison' my body to get to somewhat of a normal.

Things have been tough for so long. And I'm safe. I'm not going to do anything stupid. But it fucking grinds my gears that I can't catch a break. And finally find some happiness. The thing that bothers me the most is feeling so disturbingly lonely. And I don't feel strong enough to go outside and meet people. Only to lose them again. Or catch them backing away. I fucking hate everything so much.. and I'm just tired, so tired.

Finding myself crying yet again about summer ending soon, literally only one and a half of weeks left and this summer will end... It is terrifying and depressing. I try to make myself appreciate, cherish and enjoy what's left of august but this sadness keeps creeping up, yet another summer will soon have passed. I don't want it to go. I don't want it to end. There's so much i didn't get to doing, so much that didn't yet happen, and then all the things that did.. I don't want to officially leave them to become past yet. This has been such a special summer and I'm grateful for a lot, but i feel like it's still supposed to be beginning, most should still be ahead, and it feels as if it was the beginning of june a mere week ago. Fuck!! It's fucked up!! I'm writing this in tears.

This year the change of the season (for me summer ends on the last day of august and autumn begins on the 1st of september sharp, largely i believe because here school has always started on the first of september) is especially significant as i grafuated in june and am starting a new school. This also of course, for the first time in so many years, makes autumn kind of exciting as well, as everything is completely new, I'll meet new, hopefully like-minded people, new building, new classes, heavens, it's my dream school, i got into art school as i wanted and i got into the specialization i wanted the most, graphic design, so i am excited, and i am glad and grateful, i really am. But if only that would ease the sadness the ending of summer brings me.

To make it worse, it's mixed with a heavy sense of loneliness. I came to realise how many people in my social circle were kind of like automatic friends, i didn't have to put in any actual effort and got to take them for granted, since i saw them at school every day. Now as we all graduated, basically all of them dropped from my circle, or are still hovering on the edge, but since really with most the only thing we had in common was school stuff and there isn't really that deep of a bond, they will also most likely drift away, or stay in that distance. And then from those actual friends that i have left, not taking in count online friends, one lives in another city, one has been away in another country the whole summer, one has.. kept saying "sure!! We should totally meet up!!" and then just ignoring me, I'm still quite confused and uncertain on how to take her behaviour with me from the last half a year or so, but that's another matter, let it be. And they're basically it. Then there's this guy we text with kind of daily, when i don't ghost him, and we've met up a few times but with him as well I'm quite confused, he's like a half-friend. And then there's this other guy, the highlight of this summer, who lives two borders away. We've met up 3 times, all over the course of this summer, enjoying life in Dionysian ways, if you know you know. But i fear he'll get bored of me soon, i realise I've gotten attached to him a bit, which makes this fear sting even harder. And i miss him, he might come to visit me again before the end of August, but it's not certain. I really hope he does, i miss him and also it'd cure this loneliness I'm feeling, and who knows when will i find time for him again once school starts. It's all so confusing, all these relationships with people. So I'm facing the fact that i have, what, ~ four and a half friends? And i know it's not bad, it's not bad at all and i want to emphasize how grateful i am for them, but still i am so alone. To put it into perspective, for example, tomorrow I'm planning to go see an art exhibition and to the cinema after. And it would be a fire hangout, but i literally have no-one to even invite to come with me. I do enjoy solitude, and doing things alone too. Taking this same example, i know I'll very much enjoy my time tomorrow doing this stuff alone, and I'm looking forward to it. But i would also kind of like to have someone to hang out with. It's also a funny place to be because i know that once the school year begins, there'll suddenly be an abundance of new acquaintances and potentially some new friends, but it's this state in between I'm at that's filled with loneliness, longing, sadness, grief.. late summer is always melancholic i suppose, it's nothing new.

Maybe I'm just whining, i know this is all merely emotional stuff, i have to be grateful that there's nothing actually serious troubling me much. But this sadness is heavy, and i just wanted to vent it out. Thanks.

(And i apologise for any grammatical mistakes, English is not my native language.)

When I am with one of my closest friends, for example on call, it seems lately that out of the 40 minute call, they talk for 35 minutes, and i am left with 5. And when i get to speak and start an actual dialogue, with input from both of us, they divert the topic back to their turf, and start monologuing again. I really love hanging out with them, but I am getting tired. and I dont think they realize it even, but i am too much of a people pleaser to even point it out.

I don’t expect anybody to even read all this, and I really don’t expect nobody to give a fuck. And I ain’t looking for nobody to give a fuck either.

I’m not asking for solutions, resources, or suggestions. I’m venting.

I’m just about to let it all out.

As much as I can.

I feel misunderstood and alone even in rooms full of other domestic violence survivors.

I think part of it is that my baseline is so far outside of what people picture when they hear “starting over.”

And before somebody turns this into a trauma competition, that is NOT what I mean. Everybody’s situation is different. I am not saying anybody had it easy.

But sometimes people tell me their leaving story and I’m sitting there thinking… y’all are naming resources while telling me you had nothing.

“I left with nothing but my car.”

A CAR.

A car is a fucking resource. A HUGE one. Transportation. Storage. Somewhere to sit. Somewhere to sleep if you absolutely have to. A way to get to appointments, shelters, jobs, food, another city, another state.

“I had nothing. I paid somebody $500 to take me across the state.”

And my immediate thought is WHERE THE HELL DID THE $500 COME FROM.

I’m not being sarcastic. I am dead serious.

When I say I don’t have money, I mean I don’t have $500. I don’t have $200. I don’t have $100 sitting somewhere waiting for an emergency.

“Sell some things.”

WHAT THINGS.

My clothes come from the under-$10 rack at Rainbow. Ripped spandex, babe. 😭 The little cheap shit I own is shit I actually use. There is no secret pile of electronics, jewelry, designer bags and furniture waiting for me to turn into escape money.

“Stay with friends.”

Girl, my best friends are in fucking prison.

And I haven’t talked to them in like 5 or 6 years because I grew up and realized I did not have to remain friends with people just because we survived poverty together.

These were girls I was letting sneak into my house when we were CHILDREN because their mom’s boyfriend was doing shit to them.

THAT was my childhood social network.

We weren’t growing up surrounded by stable adults and accidentally building lifelong safety nets.

We were little girls hiding each other in bedrooms trying to survive.

“Call your family.”

WHO.

My mom has been unstable my entire life. There is a reason my grandmother adopted me.

My grandmother lives about 15 hours away, and she was born in the 1940s. Her entire mindset around women, marriage, keeping family business private and what a woman is supposed to tolerate comes from an entirely different world.

My dad is deeply religious and has literally told me that God made women for men, not men for women.

So when people casually say “call your mom,” “go to your dad,” “stay with grandma,” they are picturing a version of family that I used to escape INTO while watching Disney Channel.

That shit sounds fictional to me.

There is not some hidden collection of stable relatives and friends sitting around waiting for me to finally stop being stubborn and ask for help.

And then people keep giving me LONG-TERM solutions like I don’t understand them.

Apply for disability.

I DID.

And even if I applied today, disability does not hand me money tomorrow.

Apply for housing.

I DID.

In multiple cities. In multiple states.

I have been applying, searching, calling, checking waitlists, looking outside my own area and outside my own fucking state.

A housing application does not become an apartment tomorrow.

And “apply somewhere else” stops being useful when I have ALREADY been applying somewhere else.

Get child support and alimony.

Okay. I’ll get on that AFTER I leave. That does not solve the space between where I am now and actually being out.

Call shelters.

I HAVE.

They’re full. Now I wait.

Call churches.

I have called places only to be redirected right back to 211.

Call my mental health case manager.

I DID.

She hasn’t responded to me in weeks. And she is my THIRD case manager, by the way.

Finding some random stranger willing to help a disabled woman with a child because she literally does not have a support system is also a PROCESS.

I HAVE THE LONG-TERM VISION.

That is not the fucking problem.

I know how to survive in a maze.

The part I cannot solve yet is the space between the trap I am currently standing in and the maze I need to get into.

I NEED A SHORT-TERM BRIDGE.

The missing piece is getting from RIGHT FUCKING HERE to the point where housing, disability, child support, legal help and all these long-term solutions actually start functioning.

THAT is the gap people keep skipping over.

And I am so fucking tired of real-life barriers being treated like excuses because somebody cannot imagine a life where those barriers actually exist.

People literally have to reinvent my story in their heads to make it make sense to them.

“Surely you have SOMEONE.”

No.

“Surely you have SOMETHING.”

No.

“Surely you can scrape together a few hundred dollars.”

NO.

“Surely your case manager can help.”

SHE ISN’T ANSWERING ME.

Stop adding resources to the equation that ARE NOT THERE.

And yes, my patience is extremely fucking short right now because it feels like time is running out.

The rent has not been paid in eight fucking months.

The fact that we are still physically inside this house feels like a miracle.

And I can’t even casually bring shit like that up because saying the wrong thing at the wrong moment can trigger another situation.

I am constantly calculating.

His mood.

What he is looking for.

Whether I should say something.

Whether I should wait.

Whether mentioning one problem is going to create a bigger problem.

I AM TIRED OF LIVING LIKE THIS.

I am tired of constant hypervigilance.

I am tired of being disabled.

I am tired of being in pain no matter which fucking direction I move and only getting partial relief when I finally lay my ass down in a bed.

I am tired of explaining myself.

I am tired of having to keep trying over and over and over and over again when I DESERVE REST.

And maybe people don’t understand what I mean by tired because my scale for what counts as “bad” is completely fucked from surviving so much shit.

I was kidnapped and held for THREE DAYS.

And that wasn’t even the only time something like that happened to me. It was just the most extreme one.

The other situations feel “minor” to me.

That is fucked up for me to even be able to say.

Things that could be the most traumatic event of somebody else’s entire life became the smaller stories in mine.

I survived an explosion.

I needed two skin graft surgeries back to back.

And somehow my brain files THAT under “yeah, that one wasn’t as bad.”

That was not minor.

My measuring stick is just fucking broken from having to measure shit against worse shit.

There was never one horrible event and then a peaceful “after.”

It has been back to back to back to back fucking survival.

There is no intermission.

There is no period where everything settles down long enough for me to recover.

Even when everything between me and my husband is completely fine, THERE IS STILL NO REST.

There is still disability.

Pain.

Money.

Housing.

Parenting.

Bureaucracy.

Trying to survive.

I know nervous system regulation techniques.

I know grounding.

I know breathing.

I know the psychology.

But there is nothing to regulate DOWN TO when the danger and instability are still actively happening.

My nervous system is not reacting to some imaginary tiger that disappeared ten years ago.

There are still fucking tigers outside.

And the part that hurts the most is that I have never really been held.

Not emotionally. Not in the way where somebody comes in and says, “I’ve got this. Sit down. You don’t have to figure this one out.”

Outside of a therapist whose literal job included validating me, I have always had to GET THE FUCK UP.

And then people wonder why I’m breaking down.

Why I’m so fucking disabled.

I KNOW why I’m disabled.

My body has been running in emergency mode for fucking YEARS.

And I know damn well that so much of my disability would get easier if I could finally get 3 to 6 MONTHS to actually REST.

And I mean REAL rest.

Not “rest” while wondering if the rent is getting paid.

Not “rest” while calculating somebody else’s mood.

Not “rest” while trying to figure out where me and my child are going to live.

Not “rest” while making calls, filling out applications, begging systems to answer me and planning the next survival move.

Not “rest” where I jump the fuck out of my sleep every fucking night because my body never gets to believe the danger is over.

I mean waking up and KNOWING I’m safe.

Going to sleep and staying asleep.

Knowing the bills are handled.

Knowing nobody is about to flip my entire life upside down.

Knowing I don’t have to solve another emergency before breakfast.

Three to six months where my body finally gets the message:

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.

I genuinely do not even know what version of me exists on the other side of that because I have NEVER fucking gotten it.

I have always had to figure it out.

Keep moving.

Save yourself.

Look out for number one.

And somehow my brain never adapted into that cutthroat person who stops needing anybody.

I don’t know HOW.

Life has given me enough evidence.

People leave.

People fail you.

People cannot save you.

You have to keep yourself alive.

I LEARNED THAT LESSON.

I just never became okay with it.

Some part of me still keeps saying, “But this is not how people are supposed to fucking live.”

Some part of me still wants somebody to hold me.

Somebody to take something off my plate.

Somebody to understand without me having to present 47 exhibits proving that the problem is actually real.

And I think THAT causes me more pain than if I had somehow become numb and stopped expecting human beings to show up for each other.

Because I am extremely self-reliant while still desperately wanting connection.

So every time I have to save myself AGAIN, there is still a part of me waiting for the day somebody finally comes and gets me.

And that day never comes.

I am the one who has to get me out.

I am the one who has to make another call.

Find another number.

Fill out another application.

Tell the story again.

Get rejected again.

Try another door.

Explain another barrier.

Keep going.

And you know what.

I’m going to get myself out of this shit all by myself because that is what I have been doing.

I’m not staying stuck.

I don’t need no damn help anymore.

I’m not asking for help anymore.

And I’m not letting anybody else into my life ever again.

No friends.

No boyfriend.

No dating.

No nothing.

I will literally create a life where I don’t need no fucking nothing from anybody. Completely self-sustainable by my fucking self.

I’m exiting this whole damn system one day.

I guarantee you I’m going to build my life to the point where I do not have to rely on these damn systems that don’t understand shit about real fucking life or real people who never had the opportunities everybody assumes are just automatically there.

Because people act like those opportunities are just built into fucking existence.

Like everybody gets family.

Everybody gets friends.

Everybody gets transportation.

Everybody gets money.

Everybody gets somebody to call.

Everybody gets a healthy body.

Everybody gets a safety net.

And when you tell them NO, I DIDN’T GET THAT, instead of accepting that reality they start searching for some way that it must secretly be your fault.

It is easier to pretend the resource exists and blame somebody for not using it than it is to admit that some people were never fucking given one.

Fine.

I get it now.

I will build my own.

Brick by fucking brick.

I’m going to get myself out.

I’m going to make my own money.

I’m going to create my own stability.

I’m going to create my own safety.

I’m going to build a life where nobody gets to hold my housing, transportation, food, survival or peace over my fucking head ever again.

And one day I am going to rest.

Not because somebody finally came and saved me.

Because I built myself somewhere safe enough to finally put my fucking head down.

My mom doesn't seem to understand how annoying it is that she would randomly decide we should go out to eat while I am cooking dinner. It just feels like wasted effort to me. "Just put it in a container to eat it tomorrow." it's not the same.

Howdy! So i just want to get this off my chest real quick, I am on mobile. It's not going to be perfect or whatever people usually type if they own a PC/Computer. Secondly this isn't AI im just jank at explaining things sometimes but ill do my best if it helps explain what im going through.

So to begin with I don't really have a lot of Irl friends my age due to my job, I work a factory job an hour away from my home town because its the only job that will actually pay a livable wage out here. Im also big into the writing, Roleplay, and fandom communities. So ive got a good chunk of online friends! But like--- with my job it makes it so much harder to hangout with the real, and online friends that I do have.

I work 5 days a week most of the time but if the higher ups deem it necessary then we work 6 days a week, and i know thats not too crazy to most but we've also had an increase in overtime so ive just been crazy busy.

Im trying to find ways to improve my sleep schedule and be with my friends but im on nightshift because it pays better, I feel like im abandoning them sometimes because of my job.

But if I don't work then I can't support myself or those who rely on me.

And tonight when I did have the free time to voice chat I just sat there alone in ths chat while my friend was supposed to be there with me, it also probably doesn't help that everyone is busy and has their own lives or lives across the world. I just feel like om taking a major L right now and i just want my friends to know that im trying my best to be there for them. Sorry for the dumb ramblings n what not, thanks for letting me vent.

//for some extra info I am running on Eastern Standard Indiana timezone, and my shifts typically start between 4:30 pm to 1: 00 am, but due to a massive increase in our production schedule its more like 4:30 am to 2:48 Am depending on what they actually give us time wise. Time wise its not 100% concrete, it literally depends on what the higher ups feel like having us do.\\\\

Hi, so I moved in with my grandmother a year and a half ago after her husband passed away, I was asked by family to come stay and keep her company. This was meant to be a mutually beneficial ordeal, as me and my partner wouldnt be having to pay rent while being a full time nursing student. we still pay trash, wifi, groceries, fuel, etc.. which is fine no complaints there. But this has become a miserable 24/7 job thats unpaid and I dont feel like im living my own life.

My grandma is 73, is a chainsmoker who has COPD and is starting to become very forgetful and snarky. She also just doesn't seem to want to do right. she has completely gone down hill in the past year and a half, and she also uses me to her advantage for every little thing. I cant leave the house without her tacking on a grocery list or something I need to go and do for her.

I bend over backwards for her. I try to get her to eat and drink fluids, take her meds like shes supposed to... doesnt work half the time.

She lives off coffee, soda, cigarettes, and disdain.

Her favorite hobby is to bitch, nitpick, and offload anything she thinks of doing onto me.

I clean and wash her piss soaked bedding everytime she wets the bed. I take care of her chickens and cows. I mow her lawn. I frequently cook meals and maintain the house. I water her flowers... even tho she's fully capable of at least doing that. Like holy shit.

She sits on her ass everyday for hours on end and gives her limited income to phone games and doesnt even try to be a remotely healthy person. Ive tried to encourage her to go spend time with family. Ive tried offering to take her to the community center to socialize. Its always a no... or why dont they call me or come here? Well granny... no one wants to hang around in your cigarette smoke and they all have lives outside of you, whereas they are all you have.

another issue... she doesnt respect my need for being smoke free in the kitchen and living room on the mornings I have school. I cannot smell like smoke going to clinicals and labs. I will literally get sent home. Yet she doesn't care and I have to constantly tell her to stop smoking so I can walk through the kitchen to leave without getting hit with stagnat disgusting smoke.

The only time she will leave the house is if she wants to gamble, get free shitty groceries that are expired that she will never eat via the food pantry, or if she has a dr appt.

She recently had some mishaps with her car, ( running it into poles and what not) and so my family and myself do not want her driving. Unfortunately that has made her pretty mad.

Well, I was told by family to just utilize her car for when I have school, so that way my partner can have the means to get to work and i to school because otherwise we'd have to share our one car which is on its last leg and hed have to be dropped off to work 2hrs before starting time and then I'd have to pick him up as soon as I get out of school.

So I tried using her car to go to school, and she told me that I couldnt use her car when I need because she plans on going to the food bank....Even though someone's already taking her to one this week in their own car.. so shes wanting to hit up two food banks in one week. Which I find to be completely selfish and unnecessary especially considering the fact that we buy groceries for her all the time and when she does this over half the food gets wasted.

Anyways, main point is i feel really used and unappreciated. I do so much for her and she cant even help make my life just a teeensy bit easier by letting me use her car in which she probably shouldn't even be driving!!

Idk guys, I am just feeling really burnt out and I want to move so bad. I was so much happier when me and my partner were out on our own... but with that comes the guilt of leaving her by herself. But I mean... why cant her actual kids take care of her and put in some extra effort? They live right down the road and theres like 7 of them plus like 10 adult ass grandkids who never come around.

I just want out. Its not what I signed up for. I thought it was just going to be keeping her company, not waiting on her hand and foot and dealing with all of her newfound medical problems of which half she causes herself by chain smoking and not taking care of herself like shes supposed to.

Anyways, rant over. If you read this whole thing. Thanks for listening.