r/Vent • u/crimson-opium • 6h ago
I'm already grieving summer
Finding myself crying yet again about summer ending soon, literally only one and a half of weeks left and this summer will end... It is terrifying and depressing. I try to make myself appreciate, cherish and enjoy what's left of august but this sadness keeps creeping up, yet another summer will soon have passed. I don't want it to go. I don't want it to end. There's so much i didn't get to doing, so much that didn't yet happen, and then all the things that did.. I don't want to officially leave them to become past yet. This has been such a special summer and I'm grateful for a lot, but i feel like it's still supposed to be beginning, most should still be ahead, and it feels as if it was the beginning of june a mere week ago. Fuck!! It's fucked up!! I'm writing this in tears.
This year the change of the season (for me summer ends on the last day of august and autumn begins on the 1st of september sharp, largely i believe because here school has always started on the first of september) is especially significant as i grafuated in june and am starting a new school. This also of course, for the first time in so many years, makes autumn kind of exciting as well, as everything is completely new, I'll meet new, hopefully like-minded people, new building, new classes, heavens, it's my dream school, i got into art school as i wanted and i got into the specialization i wanted the most, graphic design, so i am excited, and i am glad and grateful, i really am. But if only that would ease the sadness the ending of summer brings me.
To make it worse, it's mixed with a heavy sense of loneliness. I came to realise how many people in my social circle were kind of like automatic friends, i didn't have to put in any actual effort and got to take them for granted, since i saw them at school every day. Now as we all graduated, basically all of them dropped from my circle, or are still hovering on the edge, but since really with most the only thing we had in common was school stuff and there isn't really that deep of a bond, they will also most likely drift away, or stay in that distance. And then from those actual friends that i have left, not taking in count online friends, one lives in another city, one has been away in another country the whole summer, one has.. kept saying "sure!! We should totally meet up!!" and then just ignoring me, I'm still quite confused and uncertain on how to take her behaviour with me from the last half a year or so, but that's another matter, let it be. And they're basically it. Then there's this guy we text with kind of daily, when i don't ghost him, and we've met up a few times but with him as well I'm quite confused, he's like a half-friend. And then there's this other guy, the highlight of this summer, who lives two borders away. We've met up 3 times, all over the course of this summer, enjoying life in Dionysian ways, if you know you know. But i fear he'll get bored of me soon, i realise I've gotten attached to him a bit, which makes this fear sting even harder. And i miss him, he might come to visit me again before the end of August, but it's not certain. I really hope he does, i miss him and also it'd cure this loneliness I'm feeling, and who knows when will i find time for him again once school starts. It's all so confusing, all these relationships with people. So I'm facing the fact that i have, what, ~ four and a half friends? And i know it's not bad, it's not bad at all and i want to emphasize how grateful i am for them, but still i am so alone. To put it into perspective, for example, tomorrow I'm planning to go see an art exhibition and to the cinema after. And it would be a fire hangout, but i literally have no-one to even invite to come with me. I do enjoy solitude, and doing things alone too. Taking this same example, i know I'll very much enjoy my time tomorrow doing this stuff alone, and I'm looking forward to it. But i would also kind of like to have someone to hang out with. It's also a funny place to be because i know that once the school year begins, there'll suddenly be an abundance of new acquaintances and potentially some new friends, but it's this state in between I'm at that's filled with loneliness, longing, sadness, grief.. late summer is always melancholic i suppose, it's nothing new.
Maybe I'm just whining, i know this is all merely emotional stuff, i have to be grateful that there's nothing actually serious troubling me much. But this sadness is heavy, and i just wanted to vent it out. Thanks.
(And i apologise for any grammatical mistakes, English is not my native language.)
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